To be upset that my best friend won't go out in the evenings or at weekends

[Pavonia]

I have been divorced for nearly three years now. My kids spend alternate weekends with their dad and some holidays. There have been some tough and lonely times since the separation.

My friend says she is too tired to go out in the evenings and she is busy with her family at weekends. I am hurt that she isn't willing to spend the occasional evening with me. I do have other friends and I do go out alone but there have been many lonely evenings/weekends/holidays and it would be really nice if she would make the effort for my sake.

I am self-employed which means my work is flexible, but I need to work as much as possible Monday to Friday to build my business. I usually meet up with my friend on a weekday but much less than we used to as I can't spare the time when I need to work. The pattern was established when my kids were younger and we were both SAHMs, although our friendship is older than that. I have come to resent the fact that I have to make time on a weekday as it stresses me out. It ends up being a large chunk of the day as there is travel involved. I wonder what would happen if I had a job with standard hours, would she make the effort then or would I just never see her?

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should be willing to meet up occasionally in the evening (never once in all this time). It isn't a childcare issue as she has a perfectly competent and available husband.

Those fancy free divorcees with the gall to not be tied to kitchen sink 🙄

Many of my friends have children around the same age as mine trills so we do activities together and get to spend time with our families and friends. Best of both

I do find it difficult to maintain friendships with women who insist on 'girls only' time (often because their boyfriends insist on boys nights out). Make me choose between family and friend and yes I do tend to choose family. But then DH and I were friends before we got together and we do actually like spending time with each other, unlike some married couples

Also, as mumonbus said, many social events involve drinking so if, like me, you don't really drink then they are not appealing. I may also give 'time with family' as an excuse rather than 'you are all boring when pissed' and I suspect many people also do this

It really annoys me that when you have a partner people think you are able to accept every invite that people give you because he's around. People think you can't possibly be tired or stressed or have lots on if you have a partner.

I have teenage children and live with dp. I can't think of one time I have not gone out on my own to meet a friend in the evenings or at weekends ever. I see friends during the day or in the evenings when we have the kids around. I doubt we even talk to each other on the phone past 5pm.

I also run my own business.

I think you are being a tad U. Your life is completely different to your friends. You want someone to entertain you when you are free of dc but the other person isn't free of dc or husband etc.

I do find it difficult to maintain friendships with women who insist on 'girls only' time (often because their boyfriends insist on boys nights out). Make me choose between family and friend and yes I do tend to choose family.

^^This!!!

Just to give you another perspective, I'm 6 months pregnant and struggling a bit with a friend who has recently separated and wants to meet up more frequently.

TBH, I don't have the emotional capacity as much as the time. Job is full on, home needs renovating, pregnant hormones etc. I have only so much emotional energy and it's going into my life right now. I'm doing meet ups more out of duty than actually wanting to have deep and meaningful heart to hearts. Right now, that's not what I want to be doing. My friend is not unreasonable to seek support, but she's asking something of me that I don't have a great deal of. Our lives are at a slightly different point, and that's ok.

I tend to have a network of friends with different purposes. Some people I just hang out with, some are my oldest friends, some are just fun.... I had a thing years ago where a delightful friend became serially unreliable. I didn't want to lose her company so I just changed the purpose of our friendship in my head, and stopped expecting her to be there in a way I had previously. It saved a lot of heartache and I got to continue enjoying her company with no angst.

I have two teenagers, live with DP and have a pretty decent freelance career.

And I go out without any of them to see friends a lot. (I also have left them all to go and see other friends/family on another continent for two weeks.)

I totally understand how it is for those of you who have health problems, are pregnant, are trying to juggle full time work with home commitments, have husbands who work long hours etc. I really do get it, I'm trying to earn enough to support myself and my kids and am sole carer to my kids 12 days out of 14. I choose to stay home most evenings if my kids are at home, but I make exceptions to see people or do things that can't be done at other times.

I will continue to try to find ways to meet up with my friend, some of you have made good suggestions, I would just like her to meet me in the middle and perhaps she will if I do a better job of explaining my situation. [For those who accuse me of BU because I have "changed the parameters" we have been friends as students, when working pre-children, and during the years when one or both of us had children, I never thought a real friendship had "parameters" it's not a contract]

Some of you seem to think I'm being difficult about daytimes but the thing is I really do need to be working during those hours. It's tough earning enough and I really do need to feed us and pay the bills. Unfortunately the bills don't halve just because I'm single.

I think there are a few different issues that affect things:

• self employed people are often expected to be more flexible than employed people, but if I'm not working I'm not earning, no holiday pay no sick pay [no doubt someone will say that's my choice but after years as SAHM I find my employment prospects fairly bleak]
• single parents often go for long periods without another adult to talk to, perhaps friends assume more importance than for someone in a couple
• single people have to bare all the responsibility for earning for the household, that can be stressful!
• as women, whether single or coupled up, we tend to find ourselves being responsible for more than our share of child and household responsibilities, it affects me and my friend
• SAHMs seem to be saddled with an unfair set of expectations and may feel the need to behave in a certain way especially if all their children are school age (despite the short school days, long school holidays and emotional needs of teenagers)

We all have different issues which affect our priorities. Many of you have been sympathetic and helpful, for which I thank you. I have taken on board everyone's comments and I will adjust my expectations and approach.

I do hope your friend finds time for you OP. I'm surprised how many people on here saying they rarely go out in the evenings with friends any more. Most of my friends have kids. None of have stopped doing this. It's normal to want to see a friend on their own and not family centred fun. My two close friends and I have 2dc each, all under 7. Sometimes we all get together and have happy child centred days trying to maintain a conversation while following the dc round the playground. Other times we meet up just the three of us and have a proper conversation. We work hard at finding quality time for each other and this is utterly normal to me. I didn't have kids til I was 35 so I had very strong friendships by then, and it means a lot to me to keep them going.

I'm sorry your friend doesn't share your values. I think she's lacking empathy. I have a couple of single, childless friends who have a lot of free time at weekends and I try to see them then.

I'm sorry, I don't have any amazing ideas how to improve things with your friend and I think you will need to focus your energies on building new friend ships.

I feel your pain OP - I sustained an injury and am now a couple of months on without a couple of people I thought were good friends even managing to text me to ask me how I am. I was really seething about it but have now resolved things in my head - just won't be making any effort back.

Having a family or a partner is not an excuse for being a shit friend. You can have a family and still be a good friend and it's not like you are asking her to go out boozing or on the pull with you (as some posters have implied). However I do think as a single and/or childless person you are more aware of the importance of friendships or place more onus on them. Some of the replies on this thread from people who can only be described as 'smug marrieds' only prove that.

I think it is easy to be v insular when you are in a relationship but it is ultimately foolish. Things can go wrong or something unexpected can happen. Also one other person can't necessarily fulfil all of your needs.

Also one other person can't necessarily fulfil all of your needs.

Which is why the OP needs to broaden her circle of friends rather than expecting her friend does, IMHO.

I may come across as a "smug married" but the fact is that I have quite a few friends with whom I have deep relationships of many years, but don't expect to see every two weeks (some I manage once a month, others twice a year depending on where they live -- thank goodness for Whatsapp).

The OP needs to be less dependent on this one friend who has other obligations when the OP is free.

Whatsapp is excellent for not making much effort, yes.

You need to lower your expectation from this friend OP. What I think regarding friends is that compared to family a friend is 10th banana really. People tend to care about their partner (if they still like them) and kids and dont really give a flying foxtrot about much else really.
You need to get out and join some meet ups, groups, church, voluntary work anything, that gets you meeting other people and see how it goes.
Regarding his friend, if you cant do weekdays and she wont do evenings/ weekends then just see her once or twice a year and catch up by email instead or phone calls.Theres plenty of people who will make time for you out there.