To be upset that my best friend won't go out in the evenings or at weekends

[Pavonia]

I have been divorced for nearly three years now. My kids spend alternate weekends with their dad and some holidays. There have been some tough and lonely times since the separation.

My friend says she is too tired to go out in the evenings and she is busy with her family at weekends. I am hurt that she isn't willing to spend the occasional evening with me. I do have other friends and I do go out alone but there have been many lonely evenings/weekends/holidays and it would be really nice if she would make the effort for my sake.

I am self-employed which means my work is flexible, but I need to work as much as possible Monday to Friday to build my business. I usually meet up with my friend on a weekday but much less than we used to as I can't spare the time when I need to work. The pattern was established when my kids were younger and we were both SAHMs, although our friendship is older than that. I have come to resent the fact that I have to make time on a weekday as it stresses me out. It ends up being a large chunk of the day as there is travel involved. I wonder what would happen if I had a job with standard hours, would she make the effort then or would I just never see her?

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should be willing to meet up occasionally in the evening (never once in all this time). It isn't a childcare issue as she has a perfectly competent and available husband.

Rivers that sounds really tough. Sympathies.

I'm not asking to see her constantly, just once in a while.

Yes, divorce has changed what I want to do but also my kids are getting old and that changes things too. I guess we are at different life stages at the moment.

We did used to see each other with our families at weekends but that doesn't work well now that the kids are older.

what are you interested in and like OP? there must be something you like and think, yeah I could do more on that avctually

for me it would be gardening, environmental type stuff or church

I am only saying that to prompt you to think of some examples for you

I don't like late evenings and during the weekend I love spending it with my family, even if I give DH a bit of a rest, I'd be dragging DD to a meet-up with someone else.
If I have a day off where DH has DD, I actually love spending it completely on my own, with no meet-ups, lunches or whatever, i.e. no socialising as I really find it great to have the time to myself without this being at work or in the car commuting.
I think I get your friend more than I get you, TBH. Doesn't probably make the best friend in the world but I am content it it.

if its just once in a while, then it should be ok if you do it on a weekday shouldnt it. Maybe be more strict about the time, and just meet for lunch or a coffee, and dont let it turn into an all day thing

So she's a SAHM? How old are her DC? If they're small and/or have any SN or sleep issues she may genuinely be too tired to travel to go out in the evenings.

How far away in travel time do you live from each other?

If you need to do paid work in the week, during the day, and care for your DC, that's a high priority. Suggest you deprioritise travelling to meet her during your work day.

It may be that you see less of her than you'd like, but can still enjoy her company and chat on the phone.

"but I value this friendship and would like to continue in a meaningful way."

Have you suggested doing stuff at the weekend that would be meaningful to her values too? Like, IDK, camping with the kids? Or going round to hers for a cuppa and a piece of cake?

I've been on both sides of this myself, and I do remember well wanting to get dressed up and go out out when I was a SP and my older kids were at their dad's.

But equally, I've long since settled down with my second LTR and have full sympathy for anyone who thinks weekends are for donning your best pyjamas to eat a takeaway in.

You might find it easier in the long run to focus on friends who are at a similar life stage to you if you want to pursue a weekend social life that's beneficial to both of you.

Branleuse that is what I have been doing for the last few years, but I am finding it tougher. As a self-employed single parent there are many calls on my time.

stop I'm not incapable of finding things to do on a weekend, but this is about this particular friendship.

Loopy I'm sure she is telling the truth when she says she is tired.

SaucyJack you clearly get where I'm coming from. I'm struggling to find the common ground at the moment.

I guess what I was trying to say is focus on something else OP . As you can't change people but you can change how it Makes you feel I guess ?

Of as saucy says make plans that are more family oriented , i.e. Have them over , meet for a walk etc?? Then test the ground but fundamentally she is not BU so best to spread wings reallly

OP I liked what you said about "investing in friends" - that's what I always try to do and yes sadly this is entirely about her choosing not to spend time with you - its not can't, its wont. I had a similar situation but my friend would say she was far too busy to see me then posted pictures of herself on facebook actually out with my next door neighbour who'd she met through mutual friends. When I asked her about it she lied said a family member had been ill so she'd been too busy etc We're both well into our 50s so this is clearly ridiculous!

That was very hurtful, she couldn't even bear to spend an hour with me for coffee. So I simply stopped contacting her and when finally she asked me for coffee after a year I said no I was too busy. I moved on. It was sad, particularly as my two very best friends died over the past few years, but now I am investing in other people. Do you feel able to let this friendship go?

I think this is the real reason "I guess we are at different life stages at the moment." But because you are more at a loose end now, you are needing people to socialise with and possibly being over-reliant on people who can't fulfill your needs. A good exercise is to take a sheet of paper and make 2 columns. One one side write down all the things you like to do with other people. Then other side write a list of people you see often, occasionally etc.
That might show you if you need to broaden your 'friends/others' base in order to meet your needs.
Like your current friend met your needs when both her and your needs were matched. Now they don't match. That doesn't mean you two aren't good friends....it just means that your requirements for the friendship have changed due to your changing circumstance. And she is not to blame for this.
But if you are stuck for people to socialise with, then your mind will start 'blaming' the people who won't co-operate with you.

Stop I understand and you are right. I have been busy with other things/people but for some reason this was troubling me this morning.

Staple I have allowed the friendship to become less significant. I don't want to give up on it as we have been friends for decades and have a lot of history.

Thanks everyone, I value all the different perspectives.

Blimey I'm surprised at the amount of people who see weekends as family time only! If I felt like that I wouldn't have any friends just work colleagues and mums at the school gate! I think that once or twice a month having an evening away from the family is no big deal at all. In fact I'd say it's pretty important. Sadly OP if your friend doesn't want to come out with you then there's little you can do (assuming you are regularly inviting her out).

OP, I completely get where you're coming from. I have DH and DD, but have always felt it important to put time and effort into friendships as well. Also, I think it's healthy to have social time/strong relationships outside of family.

However, sometimes you need to little nudge out of your domestic sphere. I remember when a good friend of mine practically insisted that I get out of the house in the evening. Honestly, I didn't feel like it - just wanted to make dinner, take care of DD and watch telly before going to bed early. But once I'd put something on that wasn't made of stretchy material, applied some lipstick and had a double espresso, I was ready to roll. I had a wonderful evening and realised I'd been in a bit of a rut.

I would suggest being quite straight with her. Tell her how much you value your friendship, that you know weekends and nights can be tricky, but could she manage an evening once in a while? Then put something in the diary.

If she says no, I couldn't ever do that, then it's possible that sadly, the friendship has run its course. FWIW, I think you sound terrific.

I also have a friend like this who won't meet me. If we arrange something she will "forget". I know this is a lie because she told me she had used this excuse on another girl because she couldn't be bothered to go out.

I have had a difficult few months and when I really needed someone she was nowhere to be seen. Not even a text or call.

It's made me sad we've ended up like but I don't see why I should keep trying for someone who obviously can't be bothered with me.

YANBU - friendships should be give and take with both parties making an effort, at the moment your friend seems to be all take.

Blimey I'm surprised at the amount of people who see weekends as family time only! Agree with this, let's hope that all those who are in their family time bubbles don't end up divorced and on their own EOW.

OP, I understand and have had a similar thing with an old friend who's a lovely person but just completely inflexible. I live far away and would try to see her when staying with family and she would still make me come to hers and fit in around her weekly supermarket trip. I would try to see everyone in a few days before going home and if I couldn't fit in with her, she was unable to move her shopping time! Literally, wouldn't even swap seeing me round with it, cos that's not when she does her shopping! I did everything to stay in touch with her. I even sent her some flowers. She thanked me by text. Text!!

I think there comes a time when you have to decide what you want for your life and move towards that. I'm not saying cut her out. Just start doing a lot more of what feels good to you. She'll either step up or she won't.

Good luck with it.

Hi OP, I have a friend in the same situation as you and she has the same issues about her oldest friend from school. The trouble is, I can see it from her friend's pov too-works, 4 kids, lots of extended family to see etc. Plus, unless someone has been in your situation, it is really hard for them to empathise. Most of us are guilty of this to some extent.

Don't take it personally, find other single friends who have more time to spend with you on weekends. What I also find with my divorced friend, is that she doesn't really appreciate that when her kids are with their dad, she can go out drinking/late nights and have a lie in in the morning whereas for me and her other friends, we still have our children to look after at the weekend which is no fun when tired/hungover so your friend may be thinking that too?

If you're self-employed, is there any reason why you can't occasionally work in the evening or at the weekend and leave yourself free for a few hours during the week?

It's understandable that you are upset, but it's BU to expect your friend to organise her life around you (and neither should you)

If she has kids, evenings are busy. By the time everything is done, kids are asleep, it is too late for many to go out and meet friends!

If her partner works full time, weekends must be the only time they see each other, so why should she give up on that? You could suggest meeting her for a hour or so, but it's unreasonable to expect her to go out all evening if she doesn't want to.

The problem is that you hear of posters on here who start clubbing 3 weeks after giving birth, or are happy to dump the kids somewhere at the weekend to go out or go on holiday. Not everybody is like that, and some parents genuinely prefer spending their weekends within their family and not spend a fortune going out with a friend.

let's hope that all those who are in their family time bubbles don't end up divorced and on their own EOW.

maybe the fact that they enjoy their busy weekend together means they won't end up divorcing.... Goes both ways

cod I'm often tired in the evenings. But you make time and effort for people who are important to you. The OP isn't expecting her best friend to come out all night clubbing, but don't tell me the friend couldn't make an effort once in three or four months to spend two hours one evening to have a meal somewhere.

Can I ask what it is you will be doing on your weekday nights out and weekends? I had a single friend who wanted me to go out with her at night. We ended up going to pubs and having loads of blokes come over to join us. She welcomed it but I used to get really annoyed as she would be really happy about it and I would end up having to let some guy down gently at the end of the evening whilst she swapped phone no.s.

I am not saying you are like that, but she may think you want to go out and meet people and she doesn't want to get involved in any of that.

Gosh! It doesn't have to be a late night, it doesn't have to involve alcohol, and it definitely shouldn't cost a fortune (self employed single parent = little money), just wanted to clear that up.

I'm not looking for a night on the town just quality time with a friend (occasionally).

Probably why so many older lonely people - over emphasis on family at the expense of everything else.

Agree with nicenewdusters my approach too.

Lower your expectations cast around for new friends.

"I'm not looking for a night on the town just quality time with a friend (occasionally)."

Have you made this explicitly clear to her?

I must confess, I did assume at first that you wanted to drag her out with you while you did the clichèd post-divorce "single and ready to mingle" thing. But if you don't want that any more than she does, then I don't think you're being that U TBH.

She is being a bit tight with her weekends if she never wants to do a day at the beach with the kids, or have you round for a quiet glass of red on the sofa or whatevs.