To be upset that my best friend won't go out in the evenings or at weekends

[Pavonia]

I have been divorced for nearly three years now. My kids spend alternate weekends with their dad and some holidays. There have been some tough and lonely times since the separation.

My friend says she is too tired to go out in the evenings and she is busy with her family at weekends. I am hurt that she isn't willing to spend the occasional evening with me. I do have other friends and I do go out alone but there have been many lonely evenings/weekends/holidays and it would be really nice if she would make the effort for my sake.

I am self-employed which means my work is flexible, but I need to work as much as possible Monday to Friday to build my business. I usually meet up with my friend on a weekday but much less than we used to as I can't spare the time when I need to work. The pattern was established when my kids were younger and we were both SAHMs, although our friendship is older than that. I have come to resent the fact that I have to make time on a weekday as it stresses me out. It ends up being a large chunk of the day as there is travel involved. I wonder what would happen if I had a job with standard hours, would she make the effort then or would I just never see her?

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should be willing to meet up occasionally in the evening (never once in all this time). It isn't a childcare issue as she has a perfectly competent and available husband.

I think we have to expect that as we grow in life dynamics change...

The unfortunate fact is some people mean more to you than you do them...

At least once a year I try to blank friends and see how long it takes for them to notice, sure to say you get to know how much you matter but you also might surprise yourself to see how many other friends you have!!!

It’s harsh and if you feel it a necessity hold on to the relationship otherwise let go and go find new friends on your level and put the same energy into the relationship as you...

P.s sounds like you’ve come a long way and doing well for yourself nights may be hard but just remember how far you’ve come 🌈

When I first had DS as a single parent and we were making mummy friends at nursery, it soon became clear as other parents paired off and would meet at weekends with their husbands and everyone getting along famously, that I did not fit into this.

I'm really surprised that your friend, with primary and secondary age children, is too tired to meet you in an evening. Her husband could easily feed the kids while you two go out, or take them out while you enjoy some time together at each other's house. There are so many options that a friend would be happy to find time for.

Abother angle is that your friend might be jealous of your freedom and be putting up barriers just being awkward because she can't keep control over her green eyed monster.

Pavonia "I just wanted to add that it isn't just about filling the hours when the kids are with their dad, it's about have some quality time with a trusted friend to help get through all the difficult times and to talk about the things that I can't talk to the kids about. Those conversations that you can't have with casual acquaintances (at least not without sounding like a lunatic)."

Talk to your friend and see what she can manage, make it clear it is not about going out or filling time but about reconnecting with her. I would say one fabulous thing you may be able to afford once in a blue moon is a spa visit or even overnight in a spa hotel. This works well if you have a birthday, especially a significant (not sure what these are, end in an 0 or maybe a 5 or I would say a 9 !!). If the cost is prohibitive then you could plan a visit post-Christmas, and save a £5 or £10 a week. Then go one day to a local spa or salon. You could go for a walk first, you could suggest it as a post Christmas treat together.

If your friend doesn't like this, ask what she would like.

If nothing then I would seriously make some new friends and find he intimacy there, new friends are sometimes quite a lovely surprise. Good luck.

ShatnersWig I am sorry about your grandfather. I hope you will not be too hard on your friend. She may genuinely not know how best to help you. Not everyone wants to talk when going through a hard time. And she said let me know how I can help or if I can help, or something similar. I lost my dad 13 years ago and my mum last year. I am not sure what my friends could have done differently to make things better. I do know that one kind friend came to my mum's funeral, alongside my extended family. That really meant a lot.

Your friend is tired in the evenings and busy at weekends. You are being a bit unreasonable. My dh works late and the weekend is when I get to see him. He's often home late on weeknights so I can't rely on him for childcare, even if he has the energy. I rarely go out with friends, and now I work I don't get to go and have coffees either. I do occasionally go out but it takes planning and would have to be for a special occasion, not just popping out. (My dh does try to ensure I get to do my hobby by being early one night a week btw!) I suspect your friend is in the same situation. She probably can't understand why you can't meet up when she's free in the day. Have you explained why?

the intimacy there...

I’m glad I don’t have friends who expect things like this from me as I suffer from epilepsy and M.E. Can’t really get out much all my spare time is trying to squeeze in more sleep. Can’t drink alcohol either so people tend to find me a spoil sport.

TBH my DH works shifts (have two kids) and I jump at the chance to go out at the weekends and evenings if he is around. TBH though this isn't very often. If he was in, in the evenings at around at weekends all the time, maybe I wouldn't feel the same need to get out and about when I can As for family time, we all want quality family time but for us it is an idealistic notion, cannot take boys out together as they fight. DH and I have recently found a babysitter so we have decided to go out once a month and make it a priority. To me going out with my close friends in the evening is a hgh priority as well, probably only get to do this twice a month or so but it is hugely important to my sanity and mental health. Goes to show we are all different. I totally get the finding meeting in the day thing hard, I am self-employed as well and have been trying to make a bit more of an effort to do this but know what you mean about the time thing. Guess the answer might be to join something or maybe try your local Mumsnet local so that you can get out and about a bit more.

It really stresses me out when people want to socialise with me at all in the evenings. I work weekends so that isn't a big problem. I have literally no desire to socialise in the evenings. I'm knackered. Dh and I both work full time and see little of kids each other. We like just having our kind of bubble.
I'm happy to meet friends at lunchtime on my days off or even on my break but evenings? No.
She isn't responsible for your loneliness etc and I know that sounds harsh but you don't seem to be listening to her.

I feel for you OP, quite understandable that you are upset she won't spend the occasional evening with you. If she is a SAHM to older children it seems a little strange that she is so tired that she can't spare a single evening due to tiredness. I guess she is telling you that seeing you isn't a priority or only on her terms. A good friend would show a bit more empathy for your situation and be a bit more flexible. You have been flexible with arrangements but it doesn't sound as if she has.

If I were you I would try to get to know more single friends via hobbies, etc and perhaps let this friendship slide.

I lost my best friend over similar. My mother died unexpectedly and she didnt acknowledge it. I let it go but we moved back to the same town and she told the "incredibly lucky story of how her father survived a heart attack. Miracle Man is now his nickname" very loudly and repetitively at a function to several people while glancing towards me each time. (I wasn't in her social group when we returned)

Losing my mother was devastating, she knew it, i was happy for her but it felt personal the way she ignored me and then boasted abt hers.

OP, sometimes best friends are for certain times of our lives. I'm sorry, i don't think this is about you. I think it's her life that is pulling her along right now. You never know about a marriage unless it's your own.

I understand how you feel. I have a kind of similar situation with a couple of my cousin's, who I happened to be really close to before I got married.
I do however understand that she has her priorities that does come first. As someone else has mentioned, have you tried telling her that you'll be busy during weekdays. Maybe she thinks those times are convenient for you too as you accept meeting up with her ?
Not much advice to be honest but I understand how being lonely can feel. :(

I can see it from both points of view really.

You’re expecting her to swap to seeing you in the evening time, when it’s always been before that you meet in the day time.

So really it’s you changing the parameters of the friendship.

Evenings aren’t good for her she won’t comprimise.
Days aren’t good for you and by the sounds of it you aren’t willing to compromise/put yourself out any longer.

Impasse 6 of one half a dozen of the other.

I'm glad none of my friends expect me to go out in the evenings or meet up at weekends. I just cant be doing with all that. Im knackered in the evenings, and weekends are family time

Then if your friends work [during the day, Monday to Friday], does that mean you never ever see them?

I agree with Jessikita - You're saying daytime is no good for you and your BF is saying evenings and weekends are no good for her So TBH, it's not just her really. That said, I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.
Compromise? Could you finish work early one day and meet for a coffee and a nice chat once in a while? And maybe she could meet you on a saturday for an hour or two while her DH looks after the children?

I think you are being unreasonable. You seem to have double standards. You're upset she wants to meet on a weekday as you're busy but she has a family and is busy weekdays. Maybe compromise?

only on mumsnet are people so exhausted that they can't function past 9pm (ill health/young kids/shift work etc. excepted). Most people have friends that they like to see, They have husbands they aren't attached at the hip to. They go out and do stuff.

I genuinely don't know anyone (who isn't totally socially isolated) as a SAHP with a built in babysitter who doesn't want to get out sometimes. I think it's odd and needy. You can't make your friend want to see more of you, it's a shame that she's putting all her eggs in the husband basket., I need more than that and thankfully so do my friends.

If she didn't meet evenings and weekends before your divorce, I don't see why she should now, unless you were having a crisis.

You said that her DH could look after the kids, but if she's a SAHM, maybe she thinks that it's her responsibility and that it's unfair to leave the kids with DH after he's been all day at work and after the kids have been all day in school. She probably thinks that she can make arrangements to meet people whilst everyone is at work / school and doing it when they are at home is a bit unfair on them, because it's forcing them to do things that is part of their arrangement as SAHM? Not saying that's how it needs to be, but if my kids were both at school and I were a SAHM, I'd meet friends at those times, not when the family is back, because I'd feel very guilty about leaving them to cook and clean and deal with the whole evening routine just so I can go for a chat that I could have arranged during the day. It's not right, it's ingrained sexism, it's society's expectations on the division of labour... But I'd feel guilty and I'd avoid it unless my friend had a crisis or really really needed me. Otherwise, I'd not think I was doing anything wrong, I'd not feel as if I was not caring... I'd probably not understand why it has to be evenings or weekends, when it's an inconvenience to my family life, when we can see each other during the day and it is not impacting your work or family, it's just that you prefer those times to meet... Again, I think it depends on the relationship you had before. Your life has changed but hers hasn't. Being that you can still meet during the day, I'd think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable to expect her to change when she can meet, unless she used to do it before. I'd expect the same of her as from before the divorce.

The OP has been the one to compromise for many years according to the OP. The friend has not at all. The OP's reason for not wanting to meet during the day is different from the friend's too (needing to work to earn money) as opposed to choosing not to sacrifice 'family time' at all ever. As the friend has older children, family time isn't quite the same as it is with little ones and I think she is just making excuses. She sounds uncompromising and selfish or she just doesn't doesn't want a close friendship or both.

I am very protective of our weekends, I guess I may have some friends who think of my like the OP does of her friends. My reason being that our weekdays are too busy and the weekends are the time to get our house sorted family time. I am less precious of my evenings during the week (I mean I happily would make the time to meet up with a friend) but I do not drink during the week, so if the gathering involves drinking wine at a friends' or going to the pub, I tend to decline. Happy to meet for coffee/lunch near my work though. So I kind of empathise with the OP's friend.
I guess this arrangement doesn't suit the OP.

*think of ME, not MY

People who talk about being protective of your weekends - if I'd heard that in another context I'd think you meant you make sure you don't agree to things you don't really want to do.

Are you also saying you won't say yes to things you DO want to do, unless they include the whole family?

That sounds very limiting.

Working with a family is hard. I am exhausted in the evenings and I do prioritise the kids at the weekend as my time with then is so sparse. I don’t think I’m a shit friend but it’s different for my friends who are separated as they get whole weekends off so have more time.
I have low maintenance friendships luckily and it’s not a problem for anyone.

Blimey, it's nice to meet friends sometimes on a weekend, no? H and kids perfectly happy to do their own thing.

OP’s friend is a SAHM with primary and secondary aged DC.

Sugar, you really think your single parent friends have more free time than you?! Wow.