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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset that my best friend won't go out in the evenings or at weekends

139 replies

Pavonia · 02/10/2017 09:06

I have been divorced for nearly three years now. My kids spend alternate weekends with their dad and some holidays. There have been some tough and lonely times since the separation.

My friend says she is too tired to go out in the evenings and she is busy with her family at weekends. I am hurt that she isn't willing to spend the occasional evening with me. I do have other friends and I do go out alone but there have been many lonely evenings/weekends/holidays and it would be really nice if she would make the effort for my sake.

I am self-employed which means my work is flexible, but I need to work as much as possible Monday to Friday to build my business. I usually meet up with my friend on a weekday but much less than we used to as I can't spare the time when I need to work. The pattern was established when my kids were younger and we were both SAHMs, although our friendship is older than that. I have come to resent the fact that I have to make time on a weekday as it stresses me out. It ends up being a large chunk of the day as there is travel involved. I wonder what would happen if I had a job with standard hours, would she make the effort then or would I just never see her?

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should be willing to meet up occasionally in the evening (never once in all this time). It isn't a childcare issue as she has a perfectly competent and available husband.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 02/10/2017 17:52

Id never heard someone use the word pedestrian as an insult before!

existentialmoment · 02/10/2017 17:56

The usage predates the meaning of pedestrian meaning person who walks. Pedestrian means dull, unimaginative, dreary.

Branleuse · 02/10/2017 18:00

Really?. I would have assumed that it would have originally meant on foot, from the latin

existentialmoment · 02/10/2017 18:01

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pedestrian

Branleuse · 02/10/2017 18:01

the other meaning, I had to google

Wishingandwaiting · 02/10/2017 18:03

By the sounds of it, she is your best friend but you are not hers.

BanyanTree · 02/10/2017 18:36

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect some accommodation

I think you are being unreasonable to expect her to drop everything and accommodate you.

I have a few friends who can't spend as much time with me as I'd like due to their different circumstances. I know that one day their DC will have left home and hopefully we will have a lot of time to spend together. I can wait because they are longterm friends. It works both ways for us.

I think you need to make some new friends who want to go out.

Pavonia · 02/10/2017 19:01

"Drop everything" that's hilarious, I'm talking about getting together once in a while for natter over a meal or drink. But no worries, I'm clear that some of you think that is an unreasonable expectation.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 02/10/2017 19:11

I'm clear that some of you think that is an unreasonable expectation

Well it is, to be honest. In your shoes I'd be upset too but I would fully be able to accept that human nature is what it is. We grow up and take different paths in life, characters change. To put it bluntly she's already shown you - more than once - that you aren't a priority and her priorities lie elsewhere. ie not in line with yours. You have to accept that.

My best friend doesn't go out at all. She only makes the effort if its a funeral, and sometimes not even then! Her son is 25, the other day he told her 'Mum - the only time you dress up and show up is for work. Thats not living'. She took on board what he said for a while then reverted to type. She's a homebod, thats her way. She is still my best friend, just not the friend I go out and socialise with

Its what you do about it now that matters. Complain. Or move on.

seasidesally · 02/10/2017 19:17

but op did you go out weekends with friends when you were married??

or has this only started since you became single

Pavonia · 02/10/2017 19:21

MistressDeeCee genuine question, when do you see your friend then? Does she invite you to hers?

OP posts:
Coastalcommand · 02/10/2017 19:30

I too am glad my friends don't expect this. Birthdays, Christenings and weddings aside, I try to keep weekends as family time and evenings out are miserable.

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/10/2017 19:33

It is normal to prioritise family over friends at weekend and evenings. My best friend lives a 30 minute drive away. I see her maybe four or five times a year.
We do chat and text in between.
At different stages of life you have to prioritise different people.

MistressDeeCee · 02/10/2017 19:33

Pavonia we talk and Whatsapp quite regularly but only see each other very occasionally. I will phone to see if she is in if Im in her area, if she is and is free I will pop round. Last time we met was at a park festival we go to once a year with other friends. In that respect we know the date is coming up so we talk a bit more in the month leading up to it

We've been friends since we were little. I accept the way she is. But I have other friends - some I only met in later years - and its fine.

I hope you join a Meetup group to get out and about occasionally. You don't have to go to all the events. Some people just meet for a coffee. Some over various shared interests. Not trying to sound patronising at all just that there are so many people in your situation and its solvable..its a shame when people change but all you can do is get your social life sorted out and then its not so bad

Pavonia · 02/10/2017 19:35

SeasideSally that question has been asked and answered already but the issue re timing is about me working not about me being single.

OP posts:
Disabrie22 · 02/10/2017 19:37

I’ve had a few friends get divorced and have done as much as I can to support them - dropped everything and been on the phone sometimes up to 6 times a day.
But I found it impossible to give up weekend time - it’s the only down time I have and the only real quality time I have with the kids and my husband and he works more hours than me. Sometimes to give a lot you have to save some boundaries.

Yvetteballs · 02/10/2017 19:37

One thing I've learnt is that if someone doesn't want to do something, we can't make them want to.
My good friend wouldn't dream of going out for drinks with me in the evening. It feels odd but I can't make her want to.
If it bothers you, move on to others who are more in tune with you.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/10/2017 19:45

Yanbu. I'd be really disappointed. If she has free time in the day to meet you, why can't she get her chores done then and meet you in the evening? Like you say, not every time but sometimes.

My dc are 3 and 5 and I go out Any evening of the week that suits. I probably only go out 2 or 3 times a month so that still leaves a lot of evenings at home with dh and the dc. But my friendships mean a lot to me and I make an effort.

I'm not sure what you can do about it apart from point out the obvious, that you can't always meet in work time so can she suggest an alternative.

Pavonia · 02/10/2017 19:46

Yvetteballs I think you are right.

Disabrie22 thanks for your perspective. I guess I just have to accept it and not let it upset me.

I'm not dependent on this person, but she is one of my oldest friends, I guess I use the term "best friend" as shorthand for that. I have other friends, single and married, who I go out with. I have hobbies and interests which keep me busy.

OP posts:
Pavonia · 02/10/2017 19:48

Xmas that's exactly it.

OP posts:
Pavonia · 02/10/2017 19:56

I just wanted to add that it isn't just about filling the hours when the kids are with their dad, it's about have some quality time with a trusted friend to help get through all the difficult times and to talk about the things that I can't talk to the kids about. Those conversations that you can't have with casual acquaintances (at least not without sounding like a lunatic).

OP posts:
LadyGagarden · 02/10/2017 23:09

If she is a SAHM then maybe she feels bad doing things on an evening or weekend when she has all week ‘free’? Maybe her DH has made comments? You say you do meet up still just not as often so it’s not like she has ditched you. It sounds like you both have different expectations of the friendship, that’s all.

Turquoise123 · 03/10/2017 17:26

does not sound like a best friend.....or any friend..,

falange · 03/10/2017 17:50

I feel your pain. I was single for a long time when my children were young and sometimes found it hard to find friends who would go for a night out. I didn’t have anyone to go on holiday with either when my children were away with their dad. But when a couple of them were suddenly dumped they were begging me to go out. I’ve also had friends now talking about us going on holiday if they are widowed. They will be disappointed. Your best bet is to try to meet other people because she isn’t your friend. Easier said than done though. Good luck x

mumto2two · 03/10/2017 17:50

I can totally understand your issue OP, although I also understand your friend's perspective too. I've been in a similar situation with my oldest friend, only in my case, she is the one who wants to do weekends and I'm the one who has family and an OH I want to spend time with at weekends. Of course we did nights out and weekend events, before I had children, and she divorced her lovely husband and embarked on a life of dating men who treat her badly. When she is dating, I hear little from her, but when it all goes pear shaped, she wants to go out and I feel like she wants some kind of fishing buddy! We're just at different points in our life, and rather than fall out over it, we've just accepted it is how it is. Our priorities are different, and it's more circumstantial than personal.

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