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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking DH not to go on a work trip

81 replies

sizeofalentil · 02/10/2017 00:30

I'm really not sure if I would BU to do this…

DH's boss has to go on a work trip abroad for one week, but doesn't want to go, so has asked DH to go instead of him. And DH has asked me if I'd mind or not.

Trouble is, I'll be around 32-34wks pregnant at the time of the trip. So not sure I want DH to be a 2hr train ride, 10hr flight, then however long away from the airport at the other end he'd be, journey away from me in case something happens.

I'm 28 wks pregnant and he's on a work trip now, returning when I'm 29 wks, but feel like this is my cut off point.

WIBU to ask him not to go? He won't be penalised work-wise if he doesn't go, but obviously going would put him in the good books.

Hate that DH + boss have said it's up to me to decide!

OP posts:
IrregularCommentary · 02/10/2017 00:34

I think I'd have said yes when pregnant with dd, but then she came at 36w completely unexpectedly and arrived within 3.5hrs!

As/when/if I'm pregnant with dc2, I'm not sure I'd say yes.

Original poster
sizeofalentil · 02/10/2017 00:42

IrregularCommentary - my main problem is, this is our first DC, so I'm unsure what to expect in terms of how I'll be physically, as well as no idea if the baby will come early or late. I also have a long-ish commute and will be working still at that point. There's also pet-related chores might struggle with.

On the other hand… A week without having to cook meals, pick up someone else's laundry, or be disturbed with snoring Grin. I could work from home for a few days, and binge watch movies where the lead actress is called Jennifer.

UGH. I don't know what's the smartest thing to do here…

OP posts:
Dilligaf81 · 02/10/2017 00:42

I dont think it's unreasonable to ask him not to go, stress isn't good in pregnancy and a week of worry is a long time.
Personally I would have let my dh go other than when I was expecting dc4 as I was told it would be early and to be prepared from week 30. Dc4 was a day late!

RedastheRose · 02/10/2017 00:46

YANBU to be worried about him being so far away. Statistically it's unlikely that you will go into labour but it's not as though it's impossible that something could happen which might mean you want/need him home in a hurry. I think you could ask the question how quickly could he get back to you if you needed him back home and will he just be able to cut and run from the business trip if it becomes necessary. If he can't leave in an emergency then the answer probably is no you don't want him to go. It sounds as though he is going somewhere quite out of the way so how long would it take him to get back to you if you rang in the middle of the night to say you'd gone into labour? Lots of questions no clear answers I'm afraid. Oh and yes it is rubbish of them to put this decision on you. I would want to know why the boss isn't going and if it's just because he doesn't want to then that's not a good reason to have pushed this off into your husband at this time.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/10/2017 01:07

Does your H want to go? And do you have other people around (your mum, your sister, a close friend) who can give you a hand when necessary while he's away?
If your H would rather not go, you can do the 'poor PG me neeeeeeeds him at home', and if you have no one else who can help, then it's perfectly reasonable to ask him not to go.
Another factor is: how is the pregnancy going? If things are running smoothly and there aren't any known increased-risk factors, then things will probably continue to run smoothly until after your H has been and gone. First babies are often a bit late in arriving, though not always.

Butterymuffin · 02/10/2017 01:12

Tell him not to go. They've handed the decision on to you, so make the decision you want. I think not being so far away just in case is a sensible call.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 02/10/2017 01:14

Sorry OP, but imo YABU.

Much better for him to do an extra abroad trip when you're pregnant than in the first couple of months after the baby is born.

Yes, of course you could go into prem labour, but there are thousands of bad things that can happen every day. The huge likelihood is that you will go to or post dates.

Most women continue to work FT under 37+ weeks, no reason you should be incapacitated at that stage. You may of course get terrible PGP, but chances are you won't.

If this was your second and you had a lively toddler to look after too I'd say YANBU, but as it stands, get some comfort food in, some DVDs you want to watch and relax. Or invite a parent/friend to stay if you want company.

You'll be fine.

WayUp · 02/10/2017 01:21

I didn't mind my DH going at similar times (and later!) during my pregnancies although I wasn't too keen when he was away the week before DD2s expected birth date (luckily she was a week late).

My kids were al later though so I guess after the first one I felt more confident.

Are you parents around?

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/10/2017 01:21

"I have spoken to my midwife and she advised against it afer 30 weeks"

Then they can blame the MW and not you. Sorted.

I would say no too.

Want2bSupermum · 02/10/2017 01:31

For DH and I the first time I had issues so he didn't travel past me being put on bed rest at 34 weeks. With the other two he got as much travel in before. He was traveling up to the weekend before my due date.

MistressDeeCee · 02/10/2017 01:35

Boss shouldn't have asked and its a cheek leaving decision up to you. In your shoes no, I wouldn't want him to go and his boss is very insensitive. But he should have immediately reminded his boss that you were due to give birth very soon. & hence he couldn't go. Instead you've been left to stress over it and feel vulnerable. All because his boss can't be asked. Rubbish situation sorry its been landed on you

"I have spoken to my midwife and she advised against it afer 30 weeks"

^I like this one

Rainbowqueeen · 02/10/2017 01:40

If he goes now does that mean he could turn down trips later once baby is here?

Can you outsource the pet related jobs? Can he get some easy meals in for you before he goes? And do you have family or good friends close by?

On balance I would agree to him going if you can answer these questions positively

SpareASquare · 02/10/2017 01:44

YABU

At 38-39 weeks, sure, it would probably be reasonable for him not to go, but not at 32. It does seem a little precious.

pallisers · 02/10/2017 01:55

I went on a work trip myself 10 hours away at 32 weeks pregnant.

But in this case, if you don't want him to go just have him say to his boss that your medical people have said there are circumstances which make it advisable he sticks around.

His boss sounds a bit weak really.

GoBigOrange · 02/10/2017 02:25

My husband went off for 10 days on a trip when I was 34 weeks. I did feel a little nervous about him being 9 hours travel-time away at that point in my pregnancy, but didn't want him to have to stay at home either when the likelihood was that nothing would happen and it would all be fine.

If the pregnancy is uncomplicated, and there are other people to call on for support if needed, then I would say he can go if he wants to.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/10/2017 02:35

Does DH want to go?

If not, but he doesnt want to say no to his boss, then use the MW excuse. If he does then tell him to make the decision himself rather than put it onto you.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/10/2017 03:22

I would totally say yes.

Actually I have a feeling this sort of thing happened with both DDs because DH was travelling a ton back then. I remember it being quite a novelty that he was around for so long (1 week paternity leave + no travel for 2 weeks or something) when DD1 came along.

But that is me and everyone is different and if you are not comfortable OP you should find a way to say so.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/10/2017 03:22

How many days long is the trip?

topicOfTheDay · 02/10/2017 03:28

I think it's quite precious and controlling OP.

I think he should be 'allowed' to go.

HerRoyalNotness · 02/10/2017 03:36

I'd say it would be fine. My DH worked away my whole pregnancy, came back the week before scheduled CS and I ended up having her a few days before that date due to preeclampsia.

midsummabreak · 02/10/2017 03:42

Like RainbowQueen says, would you be more confident with him going if you can outsource heavier tasks & can arrange some friends/family members to be available for you if you need support? Would be a win- win if he can say yes, with the understanding he can say no to some trips so he can be a doting Dad to his new baby & support you as a new mum.

Binghasalottoanswerfor · 02/10/2017 03:44

Is it really worth it? Is he going to gain something from going on the trip, besides brownie points?
Is he potentially risking missing the birth of his first child?

Personally, the risk outweighs the gain.

I def wouldn't. If the absolute worst happens......

God forbid of course x Best of luck for the birth anyway x

midsummabreak · 02/10/2017 03:45

Not precious or controlling to want support from the other parent responsible for Op's predicament!!!

MillicentFawcett · 02/10/2017 03:45

You might be better building up good will before the birth so that he's got more leeway afterwards when you're much more likely to need him around

SandBlue · 02/10/2017 05:18

I banned DH from going on a stag do on my due date (and baby arrived on his due date).
34 weeks I was ok with.

Policy here for husbands who work away is home leave from 37 weeks, unless indicated otherwise.

I think I'd let him go, have a lazy week, and keep one in the bag for after baby is here.

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