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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking DH not to go on a work trip

81 replies

sizeofalentil · 02/10/2017 00:30

I'm really not sure if I would BU to do this…

DH's boss has to go on a work trip abroad for one week, but doesn't want to go, so has asked DH to go instead of him. And DH has asked me if I'd mind or not.

Trouble is, I'll be around 32-34wks pregnant at the time of the trip. So not sure I want DH to be a 2hr train ride, 10hr flight, then however long away from the airport at the other end he'd be, journey away from me in case something happens.

I'm 28 wks pregnant and he's on a work trip now, returning when I'm 29 wks, but feel like this is my cut off point.

WIBU to ask him not to go? He won't be penalised work-wise if he doesn't go, but obviously going would put him in the good books.

Hate that DH + boss have said it's up to me to decide!

OP posts:
ElizaDontlittle · 02/10/2017 08:20

If your pregnancy is going well (no pre eclampsia etc) then I think he should go really. 2/3 of babies approximately that are born spontaneously are born after their due date and 1/3 before, so as long as there are no medical complications, the odds are overwhelmingly in favour of you still being pregnant on his return.

Time to ask friends who say "let me know if I can do anything.." to help with eg. walking the dogs, or whatever.

Orangebird69 · 02/10/2017 08:24

I think yab a bit u. I was on a different continent to my dh from 36w to 39w. It was fine. Of course it's anecdotal and anything could've happened but it didn't and the likelihood of anything happening whilst he's away is pretty remote. Not sure what pet related issues you may have but I was still sorting out 2 cats and walking 2 dogs that time dh was away.

littlebird77 · 02/10/2017 08:24

I wouldn't want to do it if I were your dh, he will miss the birth of his first child, that would be a terrible shame for all of you.

So no, if has the option I would ask him to stay. You need to have someone with you, and with it being your first pregnancy reassurance too.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 02/10/2017 08:27

I would be OK with it if DH is coming home at 34 weeks. You are very unlikely to have your baby before then (of course I know many do, but statistically it’s still unlikely).

For me personally my cut off would be 36 weeks - possibly because DC1 was induced at 37 weeks!

chocolateshortcake · 02/10/2017 08:30

I am 26 weeks with twins, dh currently away for a couple of weeks but this is his last trip (out of the country anyway). With dc1 I think he travelled until about 34/35 weeks but this time we have noooo idea what to expect!

thatdearoctopus · 02/10/2017 08:36

I wouldn't have a particular problem with him going away at that stage.
But I sure as hell would have an issue with doing all the cooking and laundry that you mention. Why isn't he doing his share? You're both working, after all.

Justdontknow4321 · 02/10/2017 09:51

Let him go, your only be 32 weeks.

Binge watch Netflix, get all your fav food in, relax in between work.

Your be fine :)

Equimum · 02/10/2017 10:01

These things are so tricky. Is there anyone who can be near-by at the time?

My DH had to do a week long trip when I was 36-37 weeks with DS2. DS1 came down with chicken pox the day before he left. I was only really partially happy as my mum agreed to stay for a few days 'just in case'.

Gottagetmoving · 02/10/2017 10:02

I have spoken to my midwife and she advised against it afer 30 weeks

I wouldn't lie about it! You have been asked if you are ok with him going...and you aren't, so just say that!
Why make it complicated when it's not?
Unless you can find a way to cope with him going away...and do give that some thought...then just say no.

Myheartbelongsto · 02/10/2017 10:06

You're being a little precious. I'd let him go.

Timeywimey8 · 02/10/2017 11:09

I have spoken to my midwife and she advised against it after 30 weeks

Did she misunderstand and think YOU were making the trip? In any event, lots of pregnant women are going away for work way later than 30 weeks. I did, admittedly within the UK, but I was some distance from home.

Original poster
sizeofalentil · 02/10/2017 13:40

Hello! Thanks for all the replies. Answers to a few questions (and some points I probably should have included in the OP, sorry for dripfeed!)

Glitterball No parents/family around to help. Mine are 2+hrs away and his are 5 hrs away. And mine aren't really the sort that would help, even if my legs dropped off.

Glitterball He doesn’t want to go - he is a natural worrier, which is why he is making me decide. His stress is actually making it quite stressful for me - as he is abdicating responsibility for his decision. So, if anything goes wrong, it would be my fault, not his.

Glitterball The travel isn’t in his job description, in the last 5 years no one has had to go to these other two offices once. So is really a one off. They couldn’t decide if it was ok for him to go, and his boss doesn’t fancy it, so told me to decide.

Glitterball I normally love it when he goes away. Without being too mean, he is useless domestically and it gives me time/a chance to catch up on some chores and relax a bit. But getting quite aware of how large and ungainly I am getting (already have agonising back pain most days) so not sure what I’ll be able to do at 34 wks. Got stuck in the bath for 15 minutes the other day because it hurt too much to winch myself out.

Glitterball All of my mum’s births were premature. I was born at 33wks, so this has added an extra layer of stress.

Glitterball Realistically, he’d be 24 hrs away from getting back home this time - if you factor in flights times, getting to airports, check in etc. if anything happens.

Glitterball The trip would be one week, hopefully, if not maybe 10 days.

Not sure why people are calling me controlling - they’ve asked me to decide, I haven’t laid down the law or anything. This is our first baby, and for all I know, I might turn in to a Violet Beauregarde blob with legs at 34 weeks, or all pregnant women have their tits drop off at 33 weeks, and I didn’t realise so have just not factored that in my thought process.

I’m just going to tell him I don’t mind him going, then it’s up to him to decide what HE wants to do.

This has actually been really helpful - one point I didn’t consider before a PP pointed it out was that it’s not like he is massively helpful round the house, so him going away for a week won’t exact leave me in the lurch too much. And hopefully our building work will be finished by then so I’ll be able to hire a cleaner (and I’ll buy one of those grabbing sticks to pick up my pants from the floor before she comes over).

OP posts:
FfionFlorist · 02/10/2017 17:08

I think you've made up your mind and you're looking for support for that course of action, not advice from mn. For what it's worth I think you're being a bit snowflakey and controlling unless you have any medical reason to think you'll give birth 2 months early.

blackteasplease · 02/10/2017 17:52

I would probably say yes on the condition he adds, when telling his employers, "yes, it's good I'm doing this trip now as obviously I won't be able to for a while after the baby comes...."

Flyinggeese · 02/10/2017 17:56

Sounds like a fab plan OP, you'll be better than fine I'm sure. Enjoy the rest!

Original poster
sizeofalentil · 02/10/2017 18:05

FfionFlorist - it's less to do about giving birth 2 months early (If he went at the date that would put me at 34wks, and he was gone for 10 days, I'd be 1 month off giving birth when he returned) it's more about the physical aspect. This is my first pregnancy, so not sure how mobile or active I'd be around 34-36wks. It'll also be December then, so icy paths etc. meaning if I slipped and injured myself (unlikely, but happened to two friends last year - one pregnant, one not) I'd not have any support.

Would also mean taking on all of the chores (although, he only really does the pet-related ones. And as PP said, I could pay someone to help), the shopping etc. with no support if I was in a lot of pain or struggling.

Anyway, have said it's cool with me if it's ok with him. But I am not happy that I was asked to decide.

They're quite disorganised at his workplace, so won't book the tickets for a few weeks yet. So if it all changes, and I am a bed-bound grub, then we'll have to rethink it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sizeofalentil · 02/10/2017 18:07

blackteasplease - I'm probably being a bit naive here, but I'd much prefer it if he went AFTER the baby was born Grin

That's the time where I'll be flooded with offers of help and visitors. And I feel that he might be a bit of a spare part around then anyway.

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/10/2017 18:19

I think that is a good alternative, either the boss goes or they put it back until after your baby’s here.

I wouldn’t suggest anyone went that far away when their wife is in the final weeks of pregnancy.

Your dh has asked, your reply doesn’t have to be yes.

Want2bSupermum · 02/10/2017 18:42

lentil You think you want him to go after. Right now your baby is getting fed on demand and is in the best damn stroller with you not able to hear cries because it's all insulated. Trust me when I say you want him to do all his traveling now. Afterwards you are dealing with a baby who is totally dependent on you and you will be recovering from having said baby. At 3am in the morning you don't find my visitors are around and the ones that stay overnight don't expect to help with that shift.

ForalltheSaints · 02/10/2017 18:57

Would he want to miss the birth if your child arrived early? YANBU to want him not to go.

Oly5 · 02/10/2017 19:01

I think at 34 weeks he still has time to go on a work trip. I think yabu

Original poster
sizeofalentil · 02/10/2017 21:17

Want2bSupermum - this is kind-of a moot point as he doesn't have to travel for work, this is a very rare thing. And if he did, he would be on paternity leave for the first two/three weeks of the baby's life, so wouldn't need to go then anyway.

Also, with the best will in the world, he won't be helping me at 3am, either. He'll be a brilliant dad during daylight hours, but from past experience, I know his limitations. So have an older female relative coming to stay to help with the night shifts/housework/batch cooking for a while anyway.

But again, this is a moot point.

OP posts:
famousfour · 02/10/2017 23:00

Sounds like you've sorted it all out which is great. The abdication of decision making would bother me most.

I frolicked of to work (after a fashion) until week 39 with mine and they came when they were due (obedient children - never since!) but not everyone is the same.

Just have your plan of action in mind should the unexpected happen but frankly that applies whether he is 2 hours away or 24..,

SunnyCoco · 03/10/2017 08:08

Icy paths and not being able to pick up your knickers 😂
Think you're reaching a bit but you clearly already made up your mind so crack on!

Llareggub · 03/10/2017 08:24

Trip or not, there is no reason to think that at 34 weeks or whatever you will be physically incapable of doing stuff. Better to be as active as possible. Your body will be better for it; my second pregnancy was much better because I had a toddler in tow so less time to laze on the sofa.

If your husband is as domestically challenged as you suggest then use the rest of your pregnancy to sort it. Then you won't be back here in a year complaining about doing all the wifework.

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