Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking DH not to go on a work trip

81 replies

sizeofalentil · 02/10/2017 00:30

I'm really not sure if I would BU to do this…

DH's boss has to go on a work trip abroad for one week, but doesn't want to go, so has asked DH to go instead of him. And DH has asked me if I'd mind or not.

Trouble is, I'll be around 32-34wks pregnant at the time of the trip. So not sure I want DH to be a 2hr train ride, 10hr flight, then however long away from the airport at the other end he'd be, journey away from me in case something happens.

I'm 28 wks pregnant and he's on a work trip now, returning when I'm 29 wks, but feel like this is my cut off point.

WIBU to ask him not to go? He won't be penalised work-wise if he doesn't go, but obviously going would put him in the good books.

Hate that DH + boss have said it's up to me to decide!

OP posts:
thiskittenbarks · 02/10/2017 05:22

I personally would tell ask him not to go.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2017 05:23

I think you should encourage him to go. You'll be fine.

CiderwithBuda · 02/10/2017 05:30

I think it's odd that your DH has been asked because his boss doesn't want to go!

However when I was pg with DS DH and I were living in separate countries so my perspective is probably different to many. And he was booked to come on my due date as I was convinced I'd go over. I didn't! But only by a few days and I felt things were starting to move so DH came earlier than we had planned.

You say you will be 32 OR 34 weeks? I'd prob be ok at 32 weeks but 34 might be pushing it. Especially being so far away.

CariadzDarling · 02/10/2017 05:44

"I have spoken to my midwife and she advised against it afer 30 weeks"

What about all the fathers to be who have jobs that meant they have to travel routinely after their wives are 30 weeks pregnant? Would they give up work?

OP, I can't see why your husband can't do the trip. The reality is that you can't put plans in place for all the 'what if's' and rather than get upset about the unlikely possibility you may go into labour I think you should turn it round in your head and say off you go, nothing is going to happen.

Scrumptiousbears · 02/10/2017 05:46

I know it's your first which means you are nervous but I'd just let him go. What will be will be. It's unlikely there will be any issues. Enjoy your single self for a week cause once that baby comes life will be so different.

Pregosaurus · 02/10/2017 06:09

Personally (and I've been in your situation but more extreme and more than once), I'd thank him for asking me, organise a back up birth partner and try not to worry.

If you are so anxious you don't think you can cope, talk to him - it may be that this isn't really something he can wriggle out of, or maybe there's someone else who'd be happy to go...

Don't, for heaven's sake, start ordering him around. Who does that?!

Grah0SoontobeaFitty · 02/10/2017 06:16

@sizeofalentil

Come on your a modern woman, what do you need a man around for? Wink

Think of the positives, prezzies, job recognition, opportunity, not the world is about to change and it is going to happen in the most inconvenient moment.

Is his job just going to hang around and wait 6 to 7 weeks and then send him the first week after the baby is born
or is the opportunity going to go to someone else in the company?
....
Say yes go, get the promise he will be on the fist flight home if anything happens 6 weeks early.

You are lucky, you can ask about the consequences of not going and let him know your fears, then tell him to decided what is best long term for your family.

SmashyCup · 02/10/2017 06:22

If somebody else could do it and it won't cause him major problems at work then I would ask him not to. Even if the baby doesn't come early you'll be exhausted in late pregnancy and be likely to need support. Does he regularly go away like this? I think he certainly needs to try to ensure he doesn't take trips like this for he first few months after the baby arrives if at all possible.

Wallywobbles · 02/10/2017 06:30

Good time to be thinking of a B plan. Who could take his place at short notice. My exh refused to come to the hospital on a Tuesday because he was teaching on the Wednesday and yes he's an arsehole. So I had a back up birthing partner. I did go into labour on Tuesday and he came but sulked seriously the whole way through. I regret not going with the b plan. My alternative birthing partner would have been way better.

KERALA1 · 02/10/2017 06:54

Never got beyond 35 weeks they can be early.

ineverbakecakes · 02/10/2017 06:57

I think it would be sensibe for him to go. It is very unlikely that you will go into labour, and it will make his work more understanding if he needs extra time off after the birth. Believe it or not this time is the easiest you are going to have it for ages, as newborns are exhausting.

Find a local teenager to help with the pets for pocket money, or ask a friend/neighbour.

My DH had to travel when I was 39 weeks with my 2nd. I asked a friend to be on call and be my stand in birthing partner just in case. In the event she wasn't needed but it took the stress out of the situation.

C0untDucku1a · 02/10/2017 06:59

Much better now than when youve a newborn

Auspiciouspanda · 02/10/2017 06:59

I would actually tell him to go, but only because that's one in the bank for when you baby's here.

OllyBJolly · 02/10/2017 07:07

Much better for him to do an extra abroad trip when you're pregnant than in the first couple of months after the baby is born

This!

NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown · 02/10/2017 07:10

I'd struggle with this a bit. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and DH is abroad with work this week - but, he's only in Dublin which means if needed he'd be able to get home in about half a day.
I'm feeling more vulnerable than usual as my parents who live 15 mins away are also abroad so can't be here to support me either.
Do you have anyone else close nearby? That mighty swing it for me.

splendidisolation · 02/10/2017 07:28

He should go. You'll be fine!

jaseyraex · 02/10/2017 07:37

If you have other people nearby like your parents or good friends then I'd probably be okay with him going. Other than that I'd personally ask my DH not to go.

We had a similar situation with our first. He was going to a work conference down south when I was 33 weeks, he was gone a day when I went in to labour. Smooth pregnancy, no high risk or anything, but baby decided he was coming early and it was all complications from there. With our second baby he didn't go away for work at all, he turned it down every time just in case. You just never know with babies unfortunately.

SoupDragon · 02/10/2017 07:45

I think he should go.

"I have spoken to my midwife and she advised against it afer 30 weeks"

No, don't lie.

Penhacked · 02/10/2017 07:58

Fuck it, just say no. His boss is opting out but expects a man with a heavily pregnant wife to go instead. Make the decision that suits and don't feel guilty. The good books are not actual books after all.

ChicRock · 02/10/2017 08:06

For the record it wouldn't bother me - I'm pretty sure DH was travelling up to me being about 37/38 weeks.

But I think it's shit of your DH to put the decision onto you.

That's so that if something does happen he can absolve himself of all guilt or responsibility because, well, "you said I could go".

I'd put it firmly back on him, "DH if you think you should go on this work trip then go".

BendydickCuminsnatch · 02/10/2017 08:08

I'm in a similar situation, 34 weeks pregnant and DH away for work a lot. I don't mind this at all (planned c section hopefully, was 11 days over with DS so doubt I'll go into labour before c section!).

DH might have to go to New York for a week the week after paternity leave. That I am not so OK with!!!!!!! But I don't think I'd ask him not to go, that's life.

1frenchfoodie · 02/10/2017 08:14

Personally I'd be fine with it at 32-34. I worked til 38 and travelled solo for a wedding just after c. 10h by train/bus. First babies are a bit more likely to come late - though don't bank on it! (DD1 came at 42wks). Do you have support for practical stuff (dogs etc) and the birth if you are struggling at the time of the trip or baby comes early?

Flyinggeese · 02/10/2017 08:15

I'd ask him to make the decision, but personally would not mind him going.

Crumbs1 · 02/10/2017 08:16

At 34 weeks pregnant with a healthy pregnancy many women are still travelling for work. I'd not give him going a second thought - as you say, chance to have a lazy week. I too would save goodwill for when it might be necessary after the baby is born.

TammySwansonTwo · 02/10/2017 08:18

My perspective is different - one of my twins spent 2 months in nicu, after needing an ecs at 35 weeks. Pretty much every mum I met in those first two months had their babies before 34w and there were a lot of them. I would absolutely not be happy for my husband to be so far away past 32 weeks. I went from just feeling a bit odd to having my twins in a few short hours under traumatic circumstances and would have been awful to go through it alone - there's no way anyone would have been able to fly back in time. Maybe you'll go full term and it won't be an issue, but it doesn't seem that unusual to me for babies to be born this early, or what if you get pre-eclampsia etc? Not worth the risk in my opinion.