My dc are dirty - abnormally so

[whhhhhyy]

I have name- changed for obvious reasons.

They are boys aged 8 & 10 and the following behaviours are driving me to despair:

1. They keep leaving the toilet in a foul state. Time and again I go in and it’s not been flushed, no wiping has happened and presumably hands not washed. Twice in the last weeks I have had to bin pants of ds2 due to not wiping and, I suspect, partially messing in his pants due to not going till the last fucking minute. He also wet himself the other week. Constantly denies needing it then does an absolute torrent and insists he ‘just started needing it’. I have read the riot act countless times but he carries on regardless. DS1 is dirty but at least goes when he needs to. This is new behaviour from ds2.
2. I am a lp and have an en suite so they are the only ones using the main bathroom and I realised a few weeks ago that no soap, shampoo or shower gel had been used for a few weeks.
3. Ds2 constantly puts his fingers in his food and basically is a very messy eater. As soon as the plate goes down in front of him it’s like a reflex – in goes his finger. Food all over the floor after eating as well. I’m constantly embarrassed picking him up from school with food all over him. We eat at the table all together regularly and have done all his life so why his manners are so appalling I have no idea. Both hold their cutlery ridiculously and I’m starting to dread mealtimes as I find myself barking orders which I know is wrong and I sound like a right cow.

What do I do? I know the first issue is the worst one and it just makes me so angry. My usual reaction to anything they do wrong is to inwardly blame my ex, but I can’t imagine he would be best pleased by the toilet stuff so I just don’t know. They have both become quite clingy to me and each other over the last few months (maybe divorce related, though ex moved out 3 years ago) too so I don’t know whether that is a factor or they are just lazy.

It’s not normal though is it?

Ah yes, I remember it well. When I was a young teacher, before I had DCs. my eldest was a truly challenging child from birth. He's a delight now at 21 but my word it's taken some doing to get here.

My DS NEVER flushes. There is also no evidence of wiping either . "We" therefore have the same filthy underpant problem. All I can say is I go nuts at him and make him sort it. Every. Single. Time.
I also don't hold back on telling him if he smells.
I've come to the conclusion some kids are just stinkers.

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I do not blame you for binning underwear. When my dc were at nursery and soiled their underwear - I threw then straight into the bin.

For now, you will have to drill it into their heads and check once you know they are going to/have been to the bathroom.

Are they distracted or in a hurry to get back to their phone, game, laptop?

You could issue warnings of removing phones, ipads, devices if you do not see a improvement. Stick to it however hard it may be. As you said they have been taught how to stay clean over the years and are just choosing not to.

Motherhood is tough. Nobody tells you. There is always one challenge or another.
No parent or child is perfect however it may look from the outside.

This sounds hard, and sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Kids are funny aren't they, they'll be mortified if you remind them of these soap dodging ways when they're teens I bet! I'd echo the other posters, check up on them and only allow wifi/gadgets when they have properly scrubbed up and left the toilet in a decent condition. Good luck!