My dc are dirty - abnormally so

[whhhhhyy]

I have name- changed for obvious reasons.

They are boys aged 8 & 10 and the following behaviours are driving me to despair:

1. They keep leaving the toilet in a foul state. Time and again I go in and it’s not been flushed, no wiping has happened and presumably hands not washed. Twice in the last weeks I have had to bin pants of ds2 due to not wiping and, I suspect, partially messing in his pants due to not going till the last fucking minute. He also wet himself the other week. Constantly denies needing it then does an absolute torrent and insists he ‘just started needing it’. I have read the riot act countless times but he carries on regardless. DS1 is dirty but at least goes when he needs to. This is new behaviour from ds2.
2. I am a lp and have an en suite so they are the only ones using the main bathroom and I realised a few weeks ago that no soap, shampoo or shower gel had been used for a few weeks.
3. Ds2 constantly puts his fingers in his food and basically is a very messy eater. As soon as the plate goes down in front of him it’s like a reflex – in goes his finger. Food all over the floor after eating as well. I’m constantly embarrassed picking him up from school with food all over him. We eat at the table all together regularly and have done all his life so why his manners are so appalling I have no idea. Both hold their cutlery ridiculously and I’m starting to dread mealtimes as I find myself barking orders which I know is wrong and I sound like a right cow.

What do I do? I know the first issue is the worst one and it just makes me so angry. My usual reaction to anything they do wrong is to inwardly blame my ex, but I can’t imagine he would be best pleased by the toilet stuff so I just don’t know. They have both become quite clingy to me and each other over the last few months (maybe divorce related, though ex moved out 3 years ago) too so I don’t know whether that is a factor or they are just lazy.

It’s not normal though is it?

My DS will languish in the bath or shower for ages without actually washing, so when I shout him to get out, I say "wash your hair, wash your body and get out."
It seems obvious but I think he forgets what he's in there for and just enjoys the water.
I also do the "stinky breath test" to check he's done his teeth.

As a fellow lone parent I relate to the end-of-tether tone of this post. Solidarity. And have some more (((((hugs))))). You are doing great ❤

Are you sure there aren't other things at play here? DS2 could have impacted poo :/ Could be bowel issues for sure and at his age, embarrassment will prevent him from seeking help.

Also, hate to be the only one to raise it, but are you 100% sure nothing more sinister (abuse?) is going on outside of the home? Soiling and being dirty is one way of keeping abusers away.

It could well just be that they're soap dodgers, but tbh, I think there's something more going on here. They shouting out for help :(

Lobster perfect 5 year olds have a habit of rebellng and change so much over the next few years so don't count your chickens. OP it sounds like they need constant calm reminders. My 9 yeR old still needs reminders to flush, have a bath, use shampoo etc which us fine as he is still young. They do outgrow it, trust me in time it happens but for now it sounds like they need calm and reminders.

Op it's really really commen love and it's frustrating and annoying but you need to be 100% confident and consistent.

Sit them down and tell them how things are now going to be. Keep insisting. Checking and reminding and if there's a transgression then there's concequences. You know what punishment will hurt most so implement it. Don't be angry just be determined.

Food wise warn that it's table time. They wash hands, pick up cutlery ready and then put plates in front of them.

Any finger use and plate removed and they go wash hands and start again.

Keep going it will get better.

Lobster my dds 'perfect' friend just had a baby. She's 16. Never be smug love. It bites you in the arse.

Sometimes when it comes to subjects like this, you have to be cruel to be kind, those who think I’m being “nasty” are obviously those who have poor hygiene themselves

Yesterday another poster told you to fuck off because of an offensive comment you made, today people are getting irritated by your rude, unsupportive comments. Have you asked yourself why?

Lobster

I don’t know why you are being so snide and sanctimonious on posts. Your life and relationship are very far from perfect. Stop acting superior to everyone else. It is t going to make you feel any better about your own life

Surely Lobster a moment's thought would have told you that if I was so scummy myself I would be neither surprised nor bothered if my children were. They were trained in all these things but have suddenly realised they can, to an extent, get away with not doing them.

Clearly I need to be 'on it' more. Everything is so stretched in the evenings and I have got into the habit of ironing uniforms while they shower, so I'm near but not in the room. I suppose that will have to stop for a bit. I do still help ds2 get out, so do check him still, but ds1 is/has been completely independent in this area.

Some worrying thoughts about ds2 regarding constipation etc so will look into that. I think they just don't get the consistency at their dad's as well.

Lobster my dds 'perfect' friend just had a baby. She's 16. Never be smug love. It bites you in the arse

Wow. This is incredibly offensive to those who did at that age !

DS1 was always great at hand washing and loved bathing, until he was about 10. He seemed to reach the smelly armpit and greasy hair stage not long after, making it even worse. I'd have to watch him clean his teeth and sniff his hair etc to check he'd actually shampooed. Under no circumstances would he have let me wash him in the bath at 10!

What has worked well is latching onto his love of science and games to reinforce the message. We watched lots of documentaries about viruses and bacteria - there was a great BBC one about norovirus a while ago. He plays Plague Inc. and the board game Pandemic so I could bring up how the diseases were spread when playing.

Starting secondary school seems to have helped too. He doesn't want to be the smelly kid in class.

DS2 is only 5 and pretty good at teeth and hand washing and would spend all day in the bath if he could. He is too lazy to lift the seat of the loo up though - and ends up dripping wee all over it then just leaving it! Sheer laziness and I have to dash up and remind him to clean up every time. He must think I'm obsessed.

7&10 year olds here they never bloody flush. After months of calling them to wipe the seat with loo cleaner and toilet tissues they slowly learnt to lift the lid...

Ahhh ok Lobster so MNHQ have hygiene issues then as they deleted you? Riiiiiighto...

IamImportantToo

I never once said my life was perfect I wouldn’t want it to be, but I am happy in life. I do not need to make comments to make myself feel good or happy I’m not that person also I am not trying to act superior, I would say the exact things I am saying here if someone asked me in real life.

All I have left to say is as parents it’s our duty to teach our children about hygiene and cleanliness and it should be taught from a young age it is an important life skill. If a child is taught well, they will not have any disgusting habit or forget to do the most simplest things.

It is crazy how a lot of people here with older kids are openly admitting that they have to remind their children to take a bath and to wash their hands before eating.

Funny you say that you give advice and support where necessary Lobster I've never once seen you do that, I've seen you be a right twat a-plenty though, weird

Op, my ds is 10, I still have to be on his case about shampoo, proper washing and teeth brushing, DD (6) is much happier to do all of the above off her own back.

They'll get there

My two boys always loved the bath because it was about more than just washing, it was about fun, and with their dad it was about them spending time together and chatting. Once they were in, it was tough to get them out. My youngest got to about ten before we had to convince him that he was old enough to start doing it himself. We still had to supervise though because with our eldest DS we discovered very quickly that he would take one of his gadgets in with him and just play on that for half an hour, brush his teeth, splash his face with water, and wet his hair without getting in the tub or shower.

OP......... It sounds like you're gonna have to start from the beginning. Show them how it's done, by doing it for them at first, then go from there to supervising, and then just checking to make sure that they have done it. Do not start nagging them.... You don't nag kids of that age. You ask them to do something, and if they don't, you tell them to do it. Most kids (not all) of that age respond well to strong disipline.

lobster aren't you a peach? I wonder if your children, clean as they may be, are as sanctimonious as you? After all you lead by example...

donajimena - This subject is about hygiene and cleanliness, I have OCD (so as you can imagine anything to do with hygiene is a trigger)

But you don't have to make assumptions about other people and put them down lobster I haven't seen your other posts on other threads but you haven't covered yourself in glory from the sounds of things. Have a think about yourself.

Lobster. I've taught my 9 year old hygiene and cleanliness. Funnily enough tho he us a normal 9 year old who gets caught up in his own world and dies need reminding, about any things. It is normal. One day for perfect 6 year old will grow older and you might get a reality slap and realise it's not as simple as you seem to think.

It is crazy how a lot of people here with older kids are openly admitting that they have to remind their children to take a bath and to wash their hands before eating

And why do you think that might be?

Do you think we're all scummy parents who can't be arsed to teach our kids hygienic habits OR do you think we've done just that but some teens need reminding because teenage years bring lots of distractions and personal hygiene isn't seen as a priority?

It's more usual lobster to have a child who forgets to wash their hands, than one who spends 'too much time' doing so. Maybe your OCD has meant that he is very used to obsessive cleaning. Be careful that you don't give him anxieties about the little things. And if you say these things face to face to friends with similar problems looking for advice, I'm surprised you have any at all. You're so judgemental but yet offer no helpful advice. I regret spending time recently offering support to you your own thread.

notgiving

Fair point and I wasn't criticising anyone who gave birth young. I did at 20 and my mil did at 17. We did ok but it's hard abs not ideal.

My point to Lobster was ste sounds very much like dds friends mum who has always been obnoxious to other parents in her sanctimonious judge ways and fairly cruel to her own dd.

It's absolutlry true they being a smug parent is pretty stupid as somewhere along the parenting journey there are rocks in the road.

lobster

My 18 year old dd has developed OCD. It's a hideous incidious anxiety illness. It drives me nuts when people claim they are 'a little bit OCD or seek to claim they are to feel superior about their houses.

If you have diagnosed OCD you won't be parading it as a badge of honour or use it as a positive way to teach children the value of cleanliness.

It's a vile illness. are you getting help?

Lobster: "If a child is taught well, they will not have any disgusting habit or forget to do the most simplest things."

Excuse me while I roll around on the floor, clutching my stomach and weeping with laughter! You are so funny! Clearly you haven't been responsible for that many children... howling at the idea that all you have to do is teach them properly...!

If a child is taught well, they will not have any disgusting habit or forget to do the most simplest things.

This made me laugh too. But in fairness to Lobster she isn't the only parent of a young child who thinks like this - that it is down to her excellent parenting skills that her child does X, Y. or Z and that other children don't do X, Y or Z is down to their parents' inferior skills. The teen years usually bring compassion and humility.