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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my 3mo in nursery one day a week

114 replies

Changerazelea · 01/10/2017 19:25

Feeling utterly crushed by being at home all day with my 3mo DS2 and now considering putting him in the nursery 1 day per week which my 3yo attends. He is feeding well (BF) but only cat napping so I have no time for rest at all and feel all consumed by the weight of being his carer. As he also takes bottle well I am considering putting him in nursery so I can have a break. WIBU?

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 01/10/2017 20:08

Go for it if you can afford it! Baby will be fine, that's why nurseries have baby rooms...

I wish I'd done the same, but there's no way we could have afforded it. We registered DD at eight weeks old to start nursery at 52 weeks, which is what we did do in the end, but I spent an awful lot of that awfully long year on maternity leave fantasising about dropping her off at nursery for a day a week so I could have a rest! Once she did start I ended up with three weeks leave to use up in my first three months so enjoyed some blissful alone time then, but it would have made maternity leave so much more bearable if she'd started nursery sooner. Her nursery will take them from six weeks.

Ginfernal · 01/10/2017 20:09

Nursery rooms for babies have a smaller ratio than child minders - 1 adult to 3 small ones

MessyBun247 · 01/10/2017 20:12

I've worked in a nursery. I would say get a childminder, or do 2 mornings in the nursery rather than a full day. Nothing wrong with needing a break and fuck anyone that tells you otherwise.

Tallulahoola · 01/10/2017 20:12

YANBU. I don't know why everyone is saying choose a childminder/au pair over a nursery. There are a couple of babies around that age at my DC's nursery and staff give them loads of attention. Plus they're totally happy, much happier in fact than babies of 9-12 months which is when the separation anxiety kicks in.

If you just want to get stuff done, like go shopping without the faff of taking a baby with you, or having a cup of tea and a biscuit in piece, then two half days might be preferable for you. But if you actually want to go to bed and have a lovely sleep for three hours then you'll need a full day.

RidingMyBike · 01/10/2017 20:13

I'd never have considered a childminder - there's more people around at nursery so safer (colleague's childminder became ill and passed out with three small children in the house with her, including a baby she almost dropped, and no other adult!) and nurseries have keyworkers so the baby gets used to a couple of people in particular.

Tallulahoola · 01/10/2017 20:13

*peace, not piece Blush

Autumnleaves7 · 01/10/2017 20:23

I agree riding, nurseries are utterly reliable too. We went for a nursery because it was more regulated, cheaper, more reliable and the staff gave the babies lots of attention. My dd had the same care giver in the nursery for the 9 months she was in that room. You have to go with your gut on these things, my gut told me this was the right option and my sanity needed it.

tistheseason2bjolly · 01/10/2017 20:24

YANBU. I would do 2 mornings a week. If you can afford it, definitely do it!

HerRoyalFattyness · 01/10/2017 20:26

I'd never have considered a childminder - there's more people around at nursery so safer
This.
At least with a nursery you know you're child will be taken care off even if their key worker became ill. With a child minder that isn't the case.

SnowWhite33 · 01/10/2017 20:27

In the Netherlands where I live maternity leave is 16 weeks, starting 6-4 weeks before the due date. A lot of mums work part time but most do have a job to come back to. You do the maths when the babies start nursery.
And apparently according to the studies the Dutch children are the happiest in the world 😄
Now im not saying its too early or that everyone has to put babies to nurseries, im just saying its OK. If you need a little break, go for it! It will benefit you and your baby because happy mum, happy baby.

Pooshweens · 01/10/2017 20:33

Totalllt fine! You're still with her the other days and you need to take care of yourself too

I really don't see it an an issue

ThePurpleOneWithTheNut · 01/10/2017 20:40

Well I soldiered on through many incredibly hard times with newborns and toddlers. Well done me. Except not well done me at all really. I think back to then and would do it differently. A break would have been hugely beneficial to us all. I was on my knees, crumbling and on automatic pilot through much of it. I wouldnt and couldn't admit to it. And no-one near me realised quite how much I was struggling or could have stepped in even if they had.

I wouldn't want my dds to soldier on to the point where they were overwhelmed like I was.

To have even written the op's post would have been a huge progressive step in the right direction for me. Changer has and I think that's fantastic. Do what you feel is right Changer If you feel better for it, it can only be a good thing for your baby too.

Justanothernameonthepage · 01/10/2017 20:44

YANBU a regular break would allow you to recharge and be more yourself the rest of the week, happier and better able to cope, making you a better parent. You don't get points for needless struggling

Justanothernameonthepage · 01/10/2017 20:50

Also, a good nursery I'd pick over childminder and you'd probably struggle to find a nanny willing to do one full day out the house (not much of a break if the baby is there) and for less than nursery. Having a sibling there might also help settle in. My 4mo, loves picking up her big brother and all the kids know her name and love talking to her - even the kids in the 2-3 room who I never interact normally with.

SimplyNigella · 01/10/2017 20:51

My 3 months old went to nursery 2 days a week as I had no choice but to go back to work. It was fine, he was fine and he's no traumatised by it three years later. Do what you have to do and don't listen to the guilt, it isn't helpful.

positivity123 · 01/10/2017 21:09

In your update you said you were finding it hard to get back to sleep at night. I found this as well and found listening to a podcast would really help. I'd download woman's hour and the history hour on my phone before I went to bed and is have my earphones plugged in ready and I'd listen to them while I was breastfeeding then continue once I'd put the baby down. I found it helped my brain switch off and I'd drop off more quickly.
I found 3 months the hardest stage, adrenaline worn off and tiredness was a lot to deal with.
I'd stick it out for another couple of weeks then see how you feel

waterrat · 01/10/2017 21:18

Op please take whatever childcare you need. It will help you survive and thrive and you will be a better happier mother.

Some mums have lots if family support. .some have none. I saw paid childcare as a replacement for family support I didnt have.

I personally chose a childminder as i think babies need to bond to a single carer in a home style environment. But a good nursery with low turnover might be okay

Remember a 3 month old needs to be held a lot and feel safe. They don't need shinynew equipment at a flash nursery

I wanted a childminder who was older...not a young nursery worker...i preferred a woman with her own grown up kids who was very good with babies

A good childcare relationship can enrich family life - i love my childminder and she is like another grandparent to my children...my youngest has been there since she was 4months

It is absolutely right that you deserve time to sleep and have time to yourself

Blueberrysandgrapes76 · 01/10/2017 21:24

I found the 'rain on a tent' noise on YouTube recommended on here helped with getting back to sleek - I'd definitely recommend - its adult white noise!

penstemon · 01/10/2017 21:40

I think two shorter days would be easier for both of you. You wouldn't have to pump so much and the baby would get used to it more quickly as it would be there more often.
This is purely anecdotal but, at the DC's nursery, there was often a very young baby. Only ever one less than 6mths as most parents do take more time than that off. The baby was in a sling for busy times (pick up, drop off, meals) and otherwise napping or playing. Having initially been horrified, I realised it was an absolutely fine environment. The baby was just getting even more exp

penstemon · 01/10/2017 21:45

Pressed send too soon...
The baby just got even more exposure to nursery rhymes, stories, bubbles, sensory play than it would have done at home. I think nursery is more appropriate setting than a childminder as the baby room of a nursery will be totally focussed on the needs to babies. Some will be as old as 15 - 18 months (depending on the set up of the nursery) so there will be a spread of needs but I think it is different to a childminder who will
probably have toddlers & pre-schoolers and will set the day up around them. A childminder may also have school aged children before & after school which will just add to the noise & busyness. A childminder would also mean you have to get used to another set up.
As for germs & things at nursery, obviously there will be germs but this is DC2 and your DC1 is probably bringing all of these germs home anyway.
I hope you manage to get some sleep soon!

hibbledobble · 01/10/2017 21:53

I wouldn't either. I really don't think a long day at nursery is suitable for such a young child.

You say they take babies from 6 weeks bubut how many young babies do they actually have?

Can you either have a nanny or use a gym crèche for a couple of hours?

TheLegendOfBeans · 01/10/2017 22:02

Off topic OP but I cannot recommend "In Our Time" on the iplayer radio app as a sure fire sleep bringer. I'm yet to finish an episode and they're only 40mins long, lots of interesting stuff on there too x

BackforGood · 01/10/2017 22:23

Oh and you'll find that the best place for a baby is with responsive caregivers, if the mum/primary carer is utterly exhausted, it's not a case of just getting on with it and toughening up.

This ^ x 1000
Sad how many people are making the OP feel worse than she alread is.
Do those of you saying how terrible it is realise that many people have to go back to work when their d are tiny, for economic reasons ? Hmm Also that a whole generation have grown into prerfectly well adjusted young people despite the fact that we only had 3 months maternity leave in those days.

Original poster
Changerazelea · 01/10/2017 22:25

Thanks legend and positivity just downloading some apps for podcasts and think this may help.Smile
Really appreciate all the kind replies and to think I was worked about posting on AIBU....
Think I will see how we go this week and decide what is for the best.

OP posts:
ihatetosay · 01/10/2017 22:30

a baby needs to be with its mother not some stranger you did know this before having a baby

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