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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the phrase ‘hands on dad’?

79 replies

Lightsoutandawaywego · 01/10/2017 19:08

If this is a thing, why isn’t ‘hands on mum’ also a phrase? I’ve just had a baby, and so many people are praising my DH for being a hands on Dad, but I am doing the same amount of parenting (actually probably a bit more because I’m at home and he’s at work), yet all he gets are comments like “Aw look at him - he loves his little girl - isn’t he a good dad” etc. Yes, he’s a very good Dad but why wouldn’t I get the same sort of praise for being a good Mum?! Seems like in this day and age that shouldnt be a phrase and a 50% share of the parenting should be standard and not something to be constantly praised.

FYI, I’m not complaining because no ones complimenting me - I just don’t get why men get such praise for doing the same thing we Mums do.

OP posts:
Albertschair · 01/10/2017 19:11

Because, sadly, it is still a somewhat unusual thing to have two completely equal parents.

So dads that do more than the average get praised.

Still better than when they were vilified. Baby steps in the right direction

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 01/10/2017 19:14

YANBU. All those phrases are ridiculous and stupid.

"Look at Dad, babysitting whilst Mum goes out!"
"Look at Dad, helping with the baby!"

He is not helping, he is not babysitting, he is parenting. It's his own, actual child. Unfortunately, I can't see this changing any time soon.

formerbabe · 01/10/2017 19:14

There's a great phrase I've heard on hear. It's something like...it takes very little to be called a bad mother and very little to be called a good father.

TheChineseChicken · 01/10/2017 19:15

I'm with you OP. My mum even makes similar comments about DH. When I call her on it she gets all offended Hmm

Shouldnotwouldnot · 01/10/2017 19:15

My husband does equal childcare and I'm often told how 'lucky' I am.....

bellasuewow · 01/10/2017 19:17

Agree with you completely op, everyday sexism.

Prusik · 01/10/2017 19:20

DH found this when he took the baby swimming on his own when I was away for the weekend. The mum that took her baby every week on her own never had a single comment. It's frustrating

ThymeLord · 01/10/2017 19:21

It's awful. I hate hearing it. Also hate being told I'm lucky because my partner pulls his weight in the home. Far far too many people have very low expectations of men, yet it's feminists who get called men haters. Go figure.

Suzietwo · 01/10/2017 19:23

"Daddy day care"
"Mothers guilt

Come a bit closer and say that, fuckface

DeleteOrDecay · 01/10/2017 19:25

YANBU, it’s ridiculous, everyday sexism.

Can’t stand the whole “look at him helping Mum out by babysitting so she can do X”. You don’t babysit your own kids ffs, it’s called basic parenting.

Worriedaboutboy · 01/10/2017 19:25

Drives me mad too.

Screwinthetuna · 01/10/2017 19:28

It's because there are so many shit dads who don't lift a finger in regards to the parenting. It does seem to be mainly older generations though!

Sayyouwill · 01/10/2017 19:29

My mum was buzzing about how hands on DH is/was. She would tell everyone that he changed nappies! He did nighttime cuddles!
I pointed out that I also did that and was met with "well yes but your his mum".
My Mam always says that my dad never changed a nappy or anything like that. I think that's why she was so impressed.
My dad now babysits DS and he changes his nappy etc. I think seeing my DH do it highlighted how poor my dad's parenting skills had been and he's making up for it now with his grandchild.

MattAlbie · 01/10/2017 19:53

YANBU, it’s ridiculous, everyday sexism.

Yet practiced only by women.

No man would ever use the phrase about another man (maybe about themselves if they were bigging themselves up and being a tube about it).

Dahlietta · 01/10/2017 20:00

My husband does equal childcare and I'm often told how 'lucky' I am.....

Yup, my mum does this. Aren't you lucky that your husband changes nappies etc.?
And yes, I've never heard it from a man!

Whatsername17 · 01/10/2017 20:11

My dh and I have split parental leave. I was off for 6 months, we had 6 weeks off together, now dh is off until dd2 is 1. The comments we have received are ridiculous. One person actually said that it didnt matter what kind of a parent dh was because 'a father is never as good as a mother'. MIL insists dh wants yo go back to work, even though he actually wants to go part time. Apparently, there was no point in me having kids, because I've just left them. I wouldn't mind but I'm a teacher. I have 13 weeks holiday per year. I'm home by 4 3 nights a week. (I do my work when they go to bed). Still, dh couldn't possibly be satisfied staying at home and there is something wrong with me for leaving my baby according to half the world. (Or so it seems).

Handsfull13 · 01/10/2017 20:16

We have twins and I'm sick of being told how great it is that OH helps out and does some night feeds. He might be going to work during the day but I still have to get up and deal with two climbing 8month olds while still maintaining the house.
I have to give it to OH he is in the bad books with a few friends after pointing out how much he does without even being asked. He has never complained once about being a parent and doing his half

ILoveMillhousesDad · 01/10/2017 20:24

I hate it.

A woman in work was agog when we were arranging a night away. She asked if my daughter would be staying at her nans. I said that my husband was home so he would be looking after her.

She couldn't believe he was such a 'hands on dad' Angry

DeleteOrDecay · 01/10/2017 20:36

Yet practiced only by women

Yep, internalised misogyny is alive and kicking.

Original poster
Lightsoutandawaywego · 01/10/2017 21:25

Ugh, a dad who “babysits”. Angry

OP posts:
outabout · 01/10/2017 21:40

I was a SAHD and found it embarrassing that people would comment on me looking after my DC.
NO, DC is mine and I am looking after DC today, in the same way that mum would have done. It is not 'rocket science' they need food, warmth, changing and 'looking after' OK so looking after DC is not as technically difficult as what I did for a job but I enjoyed it and in some ways, miss it.
Just women being patronising I suppose.

MerchantofVenice · 01/10/2017 22:21

Just women being patronising I suppose

Either that or, perhaps, after centuries of men doing fuck all parenting, it's taking society more than one generation to get over the shock of men starting to muck in. Hence the gormless comments.

Dancingfairy · 01/10/2017 22:40

Not just women at all. My ex use to say he was "helping me out" or "doing me a favour" when he had our kids.

toomuchtooold · 02/10/2017 06:41

It's the bloke equivalent of working mum, isn't it? Nobody ever says working dad.

We have twins and I'm sick of being told how great it is that OH helps out

Oh man I would find that very hard to take. When our twins were small DH used to fully admit he was relieved to get out the house to work.

missarcher · 02/10/2017 06:44

Apart from if you dare say someone's a good mum it's apparently 'condescending' (happen to both me and 2 other people I know so definitely wasn't the way I said it!)

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