Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the phrase ‘hands on dad’?

79 replies

Lightsoutandawaywego · 01/10/2017 19:08

If this is a thing, why isn’t ‘hands on mum’ also a phrase? I’ve just had a baby, and so many people are praising my DH for being a hands on Dad, but I am doing the same amount of parenting (actually probably a bit more because I’m at home and he’s at work), yet all he gets are comments like “Aw look at him - he loves his little girl - isn’t he a good dad” etc. Yes, he’s a very good Dad but why wouldn’t I get the same sort of praise for being a good Mum?! Seems like in this day and age that shouldnt be a phrase and a 50% share of the parenting should be standard and not something to be constantly praised.

FYI, I’m not complaining because no ones complimenting me - I just don’t get why men get such praise for doing the same thing we Mums do.

OP posts:
LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 02/10/2017 06:46

YANBU it gets on my tits too. My gran was guilty of saying such things but I let her off because she was born in the 1920s and I suppose men didn't really do much parenting in terms of actually taking care of the children.

But women of my generation say shit like "you're so lucky he helps with the baby" in an incredulous voice or whatever there's no excuse. Have higher standards ffs.

Bearsinmotion · 02/10/2017 06:49

DP and I both work full time. He drops DD at school, I take DS to nursery. I then pick both up. DP is frequently told how great he is for doing drop off. Strangely no one says the same to me...

speakout · 02/10/2017 06:51

Depends on the parent.

MY OH has never fed our babies. Rarely changed a nappy.

HappyGoFucky · 02/10/2017 06:52

I got told my husband was a ‘keeper’ because we shared night feeds (he was on paternity leave)Hmm

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2017 06:53

There's a thread on here where the pp has been told by quite a few posters to be grateful her dh helps so much with their newborn.

HappyGoFucky · 02/10/2017 06:58

I think if you are grateful to have a partner who actually parents his own child you need to seriously rethink your standards. I know not everybody is ‘lucky’ enough - I wasn’t with my eldest daughters dad. He was a lazy arsehole. Thats why I’m not with him anymore....

Timmytoo · 02/10/2017 07:01

I can relate to this. My brother gets praised for being the dad of the year even though she to a temporary work transfer he currently only sees his son once a month, yet his wife gets criticized for not giving up her whole life and career to join my brother and she gets criticized for having a full time job and a nanny watching their child!! This is by my own mother - the rebel in me will never have a child as I won’t be criticized and my partner complimented and to live with thus sexism.

speakout · 02/10/2017 07:02

My Oh is not good around babies.
Being "hands on" is not the only way to support children.

My OH earned a good wage which meant I didn't have to work for many years, and when he was at home did all housework and cooking meaning I did nothing except look after babies.

newmumwithquestions · 02/10/2017 07:09

My husband does equal childcare and I'm often told how 'lucky' I am.....

But you are. It's the way it should be but it's not the norm. It's the biggest cause of arguments in all the new parent relationships I know. So if you haven't got that battle I think you are lucky.

speakout · 02/10/2017 07:11

Newmum- exactly.

My OH had a total of one day paternity leave- not physically possible to do 50% of childcare.

why12345 · 02/10/2017 07:13

I hate it aswell. I think it's still going to take time to break the cycle of Mommy does the baby thing while Daddy brings in the money.

Notreallyarsed · 02/10/2017 07:14

DP got very irritated by being labelled a hands on Dad, to him it’s parenting the same as me, why wouldn’t he do everything he does?

speakout · 02/10/2017 07:15

I think it's still going to take time to break the cycle of Mommy does the baby thing while Daddy brings in the money.

Works for us.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 02/10/2017 07:22

It's not something I've experienced. Uh oh, does that mean I'm a shit dad then?

NoWordForFluffy · 02/10/2017 07:26

I was told that I was lucky my DH let me go out to work while he stayed at home with the kids (I’m the higher earner).

I also got told that I should be grateful he supported me through a career-change / re-training, which made me snort a bit as I did that before I even met him!

Luckily DH sees that it’s all nonsense and we have a bit of a joke about it all on occasion. But it actually is ridiculous, isn’t it?

LaurieMarlow · 02/10/2017 07:28

speakout harsh as it sounds, I laud anyone as being a good father who can't tend to his child's basic needs. Unless there's some physical reason why that's impossible.

He may be a good provider, but that's as far as it goes.

And plenty of men AND women earn good money while managing to still feed and change their children.

LaContessaDiPlump · 02/10/2017 07:29

DH is just as capable of looking after the dc as I am, and always has been. The number of people in our circle of friends who seem to vaguely disapprove of this is scary though Sad

jaseyraex · 02/10/2017 07:29

My DH got asked if he was a single dad when he took our boys out on his own the other week "because dads never take the kids unless they have no option" Hmm

LaurieMarlow · 02/10/2017 07:30

Sorry that should have been don't laud

MagicFajita · 02/10/2017 07:31

It's all ridiculous, dp and I laugh about these kind of things all of the time.

When dp had a period of employment between fixed term contracts he took over all of the housework and kid stuff while I was working , this makes him Godlike apparently...Oh and we both work in support/caring professions and he regularly is told how amazing he is.

He's rather offended by this "hands on dad" type crap and I can't blame him.

ADayGivingMeHope · 02/10/2017 07:33

My DH does equal childcare with me and people say to me that I’m lucky he’s so good and I do feel lucky but only because I know a lot of other dads who are arses and do nothing so I feel lucky to have found a good man but we both see it as both our jobs to look after the dc!

speakout · 02/10/2017 07:34

I’m lucky he’s so good

Halo

Love it.

ADayGivingMeHope · 02/10/2017 07:38

Haha, I think they tend to be referring to being good about looking after dc not just being good in general 😂
My MIL is a nightmare for this!

speakout · 02/10/2017 07:39

ADayGivingMeHope I realise that.

AtlanticWaves · 02/10/2017 07:39

It's odd that people have so few expectations of dads.

Where I am there are more dads doing the morning school/nursery drop off than mums. Although this is often because mum goes to work earlier so she can get home earlier to look after the DC. The dads start later but also finish later (thus being more visible in the office...)

For various reasons DH didn't do his fair share of baby care when DS1 was little but by the time DS2 came he had to muck in as much as me because I couldn't do it all. I still do all the night wakings (!) but that means I also get all the lie-ins at the weekend and any naps that are going Grin