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Original poster

To hate the phrase ‘hands on dad’?

79 replies

Lightsoutandawaywego · 01/10/2017 19:08

If this is a thing, why isn’t ‘hands on mum’ also a phrase? I’ve just had a baby, and so many people are praising my DH for being a hands on Dad, but I am doing the same amount of parenting (actually probably a bit more because I’m at home and he’s at work), yet all he gets are comments like “Aw look at him - he loves his little girl - isn’t he a good dad” etc. Yes, he’s a very good Dad but why wouldn’t I get the same sort of praise for being a good Mum?! Seems like in this day and age that shouldnt be a phrase and a 50% share of the parenting should be standard and not something to be constantly praised.

FYI, I’m not complaining because no ones complimenting me - I just don’t get why men get such praise for doing the same thing we Mums do.

OP posts:
speakout · 02/10/2017 07:42

It's odd that people have so few expectations of dads

But men can support in other ways.

My OH never fed our babies, did few nappy changes, but paid for us to stay at home and have fun for many years.

formerbabe · 02/10/2017 07:46

My OH never fed our babies, did few nappy changes, but paid for us to stay at home and have fun for many years

I'll hazard a guess that even if your partner/husband had remained a single, childless man, he'd have still gone to work to earn money...if he earned enough for you not to work then surely that's just reflective of his earning power rather than anything else.

DeleteOrDecay · 02/10/2017 07:51

My OH never fed our babies, did few nappy changes, but paid for us to stay at home and have fun for many years.

My dp goes to work, provides for us whilst I stay home with the dc AND gets stuck in at home. He actually wants to be involved in their care and how they are raised. I would be incensed if he didn’t, to be honest. Your oh is

jaseyraex · 02/10/2017 07:51

speakout my DH pays for us to stay at home and "have fun", but he's also fed the boys and changed nappies and takes them out and spends time with them. He's a multi tasker.

DeleteOrDecay · 02/10/2017 07:54

Pressed send too soon. Your OH is doing nothing that he wouldn’t otherwise be doing if he was a single man with no dc.

Suzietwo · 02/10/2017 08:00

When I tell other men that my bloke stays home to look after the kids, they tend to say how lucky HE is to have me...horses for n all

echt · 02/10/2017 08:03

An interesting thread, OP. My DD is now in her early 20s and when this phrase first surfaced I thought it meant an actively playful person, which my last DH was, someone who involved DD in cutting down trees, DIY. Literally hands on. I am not playful by nature and was the one who did the washing, cleaning, etc. and was glad to do so as it suited my temperament. DH did all the food shopping and cooking too, so I was well pleased.

Only lately have I come to see the phrase as you do, a way of crediting men for what women do every day. Yes, it's bloody annoying.

RedBlackberries · 02/10/2017 08:04

It's such an annoying phrase. My mum is a big fan of it. Dh is often praised for it for driving dd to school, like it's a real task (we're a one car family and he goes to work after. Also I'm the one getting her up, feeding her, sorting school stuff, helping her dress).

It's often said by people of a certain age and it's meant as a compliment to both the couple. Things have changed a lot over generations.

MattAlbie · 02/10/2017 08:05

I think it's still going to take time to break the cycle of Mommy does the baby thing while Daddy brings in the money.

Nowadays anyone who can comfortably get away with just one wage coming in is 'lucky'. I hardly know anyone who manages that.

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2017 08:09

You're right matt but it still seems the case that the dad has the career which is prioritised while the mum has the little job to fit around the family commitments

Birdsgottafly · 02/10/2017 08:11

"It's odd that people have so few expectations of dads"

No it isn't, it's been constructed that way and perpetuated by everyday sexism.

All of our employment laws/policies, housing/welfare, Children's law has operated on the assumption that the Mother will be the Primary Carer and Dads would be considered a good Dad if they paid for their children. If they then had contact as well, they are a fantastic Dad.

But the Women who don't work/are bringing up children alone are the scourge on Society.

That's dropped a bit, because we have the immigrants to blame, now. Only a bit, because the benefit changes still showed that we are set up to support the right sort of families.

Original poster
Lightsoutandawaywego · 02/10/2017 08:13

Echt- I also used to think hands on meant really getting involved with the kids, I.e. sitting on the floor and playing with them, taking them swimming, playing games, etc. but these days doing one nappy change a day seems to mean hands on.

Don’t get me wrong, DH does do his share (almost) but it does bloody irritate me to see family cooing over how amazing he is when I’m doing exactly the same things. Hmm

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 02/10/2017 08:13

Just to add, everyday sexism doesn't always hit you until you've got children in your life.

Witsender · 02/10/2017 08:14

We both worked part time for a few years around the kids who are home ed, that provoked a lot of compliments for him, and how lucky I was to have someone who agreed with me. Making the assumption that everything was led by me and he just followed along. See also threads about co-sleeping etc, it is always the poor husband whose wife is making all the decisions etc.

Even my own mother felt sorry for him...not being able to work full time etc. Luckily in the home ed community there were a lot of dads doing similar, not that it would have bothered him.

Now I'm due with #3 soon he is back full time and I'm at home, and it's hard! We all preferred our old set up.

AtlanticWaves · 02/10/2017 08:17

Actually thinking about it, "hands-on" for me means mucking in and physically caring for the DC.

Whereas what some PP have said about their DH's earning money so they can be SAHM is actually a "hands-off" dad - yes he's contributing to the family but from a distance so to speak.

sharksDen · 02/10/2017 08:33

I think you nailed the answer in the first post OP.

Your husband's at work all day and then comes home and parents. If the division of labour is split with the father earning and the mother looking after the children (as is often the case, for obvious reasons) then I don't think praise or acknowledgement is out of order and nor is it sexist.

We (as society) comment on mothers who work as well as being terrific parents so why not men.

I had an extended maternity with DC1 and swapped with DH when our second was born. He was a SAHP for 2 years, working very reduced hours from the house whilst I went back to work quite quickly.

I found it more exhausting to be at work all day, then come home and be with the children until bed time than as a SAHM.

To hate this phrase smacks of 'but what about the womenz'. A stick we love to beat men with.

As for it being sexism but purportrated by women, how is this possible? That just feels like a weak excuse for women. A small step away from blaming the 'patriarchy'.

formerbabe · 02/10/2017 08:58

Whereas what some PP have said about their DH's earning money so they can be SAHM is actually a "hands-off" dad - yes he's contributing to the family but from a distance so to speak

I disagree. If these men were single and childless, they'd still have to go to work. In these cases, the man earns enough for their salary to fully support the family...they are not necessarily working harder because they have a family.

Besides, in a lot of cases, a woman can work full time too and still do all housework and childcare. If the father is willing to do his share of these, you'll find he does it regardless of whether his wife works or not. Likewise, if a father does nothing, you'll find he would be like that if his wife worked or not.

speakout · 02/10/2017 09:01

a woman can work full time too and still do all housework and childcare.

How can you work full time and do all the childcare?

Surely someone else is doing the childcare?

TammySwansonTwo · 02/10/2017 09:13

When our twins were a couple of months old, the smaller one came home and immediately was sick, ended up readmitted with a serious virus and I had to stay in hospital with him for 11 nights. My husband had to stay at home with the other twin for that time. You'd honestly think he'd cured cancer the way people reacted. The idea that it would somehow be harder for him to take care of a baby on his own than for me was just insulting and annoying.

speakout · 02/10/2017 09:29

DeleteOrDecay My OH does as much as he can.

However working a 60 hour week and not getting home until 8pm does limit time with small children.

Suits us just fine.

My youngest is now 17 and I only work 15 hours a week- loads of time for the gym and having fun!!

echt · 02/10/2017 09:54

To hate this phrase smacks of 'but what about the womenz'.

Er...that is rather the OP's point.

A stick we love to beat men with Less of the "we", thank you very much. Speak for yourself.

formerbabe · 02/10/2017 10:29

My youngest is now 17

I'd say that if your youngest DC is 17, you're no longer a sahm but a housewife.

formerbabe · 02/10/2017 10:30

Oh sorry, just saw you do work part time.

formerbabe · 02/10/2017 10:31

How can you work full time and do all the childcare?

All childcare when you're not at work. So if both partners have worked all week 9-5...mum will do everything for the children in the mornings, evenings and weekends.

Firesuit · 02/10/2017 11:20

"Hands-on dad" and "working mum" are acknowledgements that a cultural stereotype is being deviated from.

There is nothing wrong with a "1950's housewife" role being performed by a partner of either sex, as long as it's something they've signed up for voluntarily. So all the people in multiple threads on here who are angered by the mere fact of inequality asymmetry are being narrow-minded and judgmental.

A man parent not doing nappies/night feeds is not a problem in itself. It's only a problem in the context of a relationship where the person doing it is feeling conned/short-changed.