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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not wanting MIL to come stay with us?

94 replies

CheesecakeAddict · 30/09/2017 19:55

I had a thread a while back really upset with my MIL. Basic backstory is that she was a complete bitch to me when I went to stay with her and she manipulates everyone around her to do exactly what she wants and constantly complains about my domestic capabilities.

Anyway, just found out that my MIL has just booked a one-way ticket to come and stay with us, 2 days before my due date. We live in a 2 bedroomed flat, so she assumed she could come live with us, but the second bedroom (box room) is currently my office/crap room and in 6 months time will be DC's room, so I have no where to put her. I've told DP she will need to stay in a hotel (as I have told my parents). But AIBU to not want her around? She will be the grandmother after all and maybe I am just seeing this like this because of the way she treated me when I was in her home. I just know she will be here 24/7 trying to take over childcare, judging the way I run my home (I am not untidy, my flat is spotless, I just make her DS do his fair share of the cleaning, laundry and cooking - we work like a team).

And maybe I am being selfish, but I wanted time to adjust to having a baby just me, DP and DC and enjoy baby being with us without visitors constantly popping around.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 30/09/2017 19:56

Yanbu in wanting her to stay in a hotel at all

MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/09/2017 19:57

Oh god, I wouldn't want her there! You can't stop her getting a hotel, I suppose, but no way would I have her staying there. But I think your partner should tell her why.

Leeds2 · 30/09/2017 19:58

Same rules for her as for your parents.
How does DH feel about her visit?

DooWhaaDiddy · 30/09/2017 19:59

Yanbu, is pass on local hotel details and also be making sure she can't just turn up either

Aperolspritzer123 · 30/09/2017 20:02

No no no no no. Just no. Don't even give it another thought - she's a cheeky cow. Nip that in the bud right now! First few weeks post Partum are the times you feel most vulnerable and you need to be able to relax and adjust in peace.

Maelstrop · 30/09/2017 20:07

YANBU and I would also insist on limited visiting times. Very limited.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2017 20:11

She has booked a one way ticket, to arrive a few days before your EDD? Blimey.

How long is she planning to stay? And yes it needs to be in a hotel.

FuzzyOwl · 30/09/2017 20:13

YANBU. I wouldn't want anyone staying two days before my due date let alone someone I don't get on with.

Esspee · 30/09/2017 20:27

I see no problem in having the same rules for both sides. Your husband needs to let her know ASAP.

krustykittens · 30/09/2017 20:32

I don't see why your MIL shouldn't have the same rules as your parents! And a one way ticket?! Sod that. Did she even discuss this with your DH before booking it? I assume she didn't discuss it with you!

FizzyGreenWater · 30/09/2017 20:33

No. Start as you mean to go on.

She's clearly going to be a problem, so you might as well be straight and cut out a lot of heartache. Better to say this all now than end up screaming at her and falling out with a five day old in the background.

But, you need DP on side. Is he aware of how you felt when you stayed, and how she treated you? If not, he needs to be.

Tell him that firstly, this is precious time for both of you. Yes, people will want to visit - but if his mother thinks she is going to encroach on that time, she can think again. It isn't going to happen, if she tries to push it, there WILL be a row, and then she won't be welcome at all. And given the way she's treated you so far, you a. don't believe that she will respect your boundaries or be kind to you and b. you don't want her around any more than a small amount as she isn't a person you feel close to - and that's her fault. Of course she is going to see the baby. She isn't going to get to impose her will on what happens before, during and after the baby is born and if she suddenly expects to be in there during such a personal time - well, she should have been nicer and kinder to you.

So, ground rules.

  1. She does NOT come until the baby is born. Absolutely NO WAY is she going to be hanging around hassling you in very late pregnancy. The baby could be two weeks late. You do not want a constant visitor even if they stay elsewhere. You need peace and calm and when the baby is born, you want to make sure that you don't end up with visitors encroaching until you are ready. That might be straight after birth if easy, it might be a day or so if things aren't going well. She is to stay away until after the birth and then come when invited. This goes for your parents too.
  1. Nobody is staying in the house. Nobody.
  1. The person in charge here is you, the person giving birth. It's not just about the baby, it's about you - your health and mental state. Hopefully everything will be fine. If it isn't, for whatever reason, you expect 100% loyalty and backup from your DP. What his mother wants matters not one jot if it conflicts with what you ask. This is one time when your needs come first second and third. The same will go for your parents.
  1. If this doesn't happen, and she spoils those first few days, it's not going to be something you ever forget, and that's going to impact on future relationships. So it might be a good idea for him to bear that in mind.
hidinginthenightgarden · 30/09/2017 20:33

YANBU. Fingers crossed the baby is late!!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/09/2017 20:35

How far away does she live? Ie did she get the ticket cos it would be a nightmare to organise when the baby arrived?

Did she not discuss it at all with your DH?! Did she assume she could just come

Also might be worth your DH having a chat to manage her expectations. Hopefully she isn't under the impression she can pop in every day. You need space when the baby arrives (and before!) the last thing you need is a visitor all day every day demanding entertaining

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 30/09/2017 20:35

How rude, to not even ask you.

No, sorry - say no op, this will not end well and you may well be very ill after the birth with stitches and goodness knows what. No./

Dont worry about it - do not be wishy washy about it just say no, sorry and in fact get her to come a few weeks after the birth, A vulnerable woman who has just had a baby does not need insensitive, domineering thoughtless MIL. No,

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 30/09/2017 20:39

This goes for your parents too Hmm

No it doesn't, if her parents are respectful, kind and supportive and she doesn't mind then of course her parents can go and come as SHE/OP pleases.

Why should lovely people get banned due to one who is out of control?

  1. If this doesn't happen, and she spoils those first few days, it's not going to be something you ever forget, and that's going to impact on future relationships. So it might be a good idea for him to bear that in mind

YES ^^ this is what happened to me and I have never got over it because it ruined memories of such a special time.

DeadDoorpost · 30/09/2017 20:39

I don't think YBU at all.. I've got no advice for you as I am currently trying to prevent the same thing from happening to me so good luck and I really hope she stays out of your way... for your sanity and im sure a possible murder if she keeps pushing it.Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 30/09/2017 20:47

Bornfree - if you read what I've said, the bits that go for her parents too are the very basics. No one to come until invited. No one's wishes to take precedence over hers.

That DOES go for her parents too, and everyone. I think it helps to point that out, to impress upon her DP that this isn't just about keeping MIL away. It's big, serious stuff - far bigger than MIL's wants, and it isn't about drawing distinctions and who is the favourite.

OP might well invite her parents first. Her parents sound like they won't need managing by DP because they won't need to be managed but will respect OP's wishes.

EggysMom · 30/09/2017 20:51

You could always hope the baby arrives a week early to spite her ...

Original poster
CheesecakeAddict · 30/09/2017 20:54

Thanks. I spoke to DP about it and he is also anxious about her visit (she enjoys chastising him as much as me). He agrees on the hotel and the set visiting hours, I just hope he keeps to that. And I completely agree with those saying what goes for her should also be the same for my parents.

I feel a part of me is just holding a grudge and feeling childish about her coming over when I know she will spoil DC when she is here.

But yeah, quite annoyed that she didn't even tell us (it was DP's sister that actually brought it up), and that she just expected us to be able to put her up when I have just passed a bowling ball out of my vagina.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 30/09/2017 21:19

It's so refreshing to hear your DP agrees. I'm glad. Well done, both.

ToadsforJustice · 30/09/2017 21:24

Just because she might be nice to your DC, doesn't mean you have to put up with her. I would go NC right now. It will save a lot of angst in the future. You know you are going to fall out. You know she will try to take over and manipulate you and DH. Nip it in the bud now.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/09/2017 21:25

Is DPs sister helpfully tipping you off or just shit stirring? If she's on your side tell her that this absolutely isn't happening and ask/hope that she feeds this back to mil.

Original poster
CheesecakeAddict · 30/09/2017 21:28

Right ok, just found out the reason two days before EDD is because she expects to be there at the birth. Like in the room when I'm stark bollock naked, out of my head on drugs and pushing the baby out. Who would genuinely think they had the right to that?

OP posts:
matpayworries · 30/09/2017 21:30

I can't believe she invited herself to the birth Shock some people are out of their fucking minds Shock I'd be moving and not telling her the address if I were you Grincan you tell I have a very low tolerance for people

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/09/2017 21:32

I hope you put her straight! Don't even pretend you will consider it!
I wouldn't have even wanted my own mother around for that bit!