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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not wanting MIL to come stay with us?

94 replies

CheesecakeAddict · 30/09/2017 19:55

I had a thread a while back really upset with my MIL. Basic backstory is that she was a complete bitch to me when I went to stay with her and she manipulates everyone around her to do exactly what she wants and constantly complains about my domestic capabilities.

Anyway, just found out that my MIL has just booked a one-way ticket to come and stay with us, 2 days before my due date. We live in a 2 bedroomed flat, so she assumed she could come live with us, but the second bedroom (box room) is currently my office/crap room and in 6 months time will be DC's room, so I have no where to put her. I've told DP she will need to stay in a hotel (as I have told my parents). But AIBU to not want her around? She will be the grandmother after all and maybe I am just seeing this like this because of the way she treated me when I was in her home. I just know she will be here 24/7 trying to take over childcare, judging the way I run my home (I am not untidy, my flat is spotless, I just make her DS do his fair share of the cleaning, laundry and cooking - we work like a team).

And maybe I am being selfish, but I wanted time to adjust to having a baby just me, DP and DC and enjoy baby being with us without visitors constantly popping around.

OP posts:
littlebird7 · 30/09/2017 22:47

One hour. That's it.
That's the rule. If you must allow her to do this ( and I wouldn't just to be honest) no way!
By the time you have made the tea ( put the bins out, fed the cat and tidied up) that's it hour up. You need to thank her for coming, but you need to get on with things/ appointments/ resting.
Alternatively (and my most chosen course) just tell her you are staying with a friend for the last part of the pregnancy and will be having a baby moon with dh for a few weeks after, you will be in touch when the baby is born. End of. She deserves nothing more and is abusive.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/09/2017 22:48

And next time - don't tell her when you are due . . .

Aeroflotgirl · 30/09/2017 22:50

Omg no no no. Absolutely not at the birth. You choose who you want. What a loony she is! Good on you for setting strong rules and boundaries, you need to!

AuldHeathen · 30/09/2017 22:54

I’m guessing MIL might have different cultural expectations from many of us in the UK? In that case you have to grow a very thick skin and lay down those boundaries ASAP. I think you, OP, need to speak to her yourself, explain what’s acceptable and what’s not. So many men find it so hard to disagree with their mothers. Poor dears. Hmm But really you need to deal with it so you know what’s been said on either side.

littlebird7 · 30/09/2017 22:56

Daisydrip

What a lovely wise post. You are completely right. The bonding and quiet moments are imperative to a good start with a newborn baby.

AuntieFester · 30/09/2017 22:59

Sounds she wants to be at the birth only to tell you you are pushing too little/too much, she did it much better, she didn't need any drugs etc. etc. Definetely block her from the delivery room, nobody needs added stress during childbirth Flowers

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 30/09/2017 23:08

OP has MIL got a key...if so?. Change it quickly for an uncopyable one ASAP, DON'T NOT GIVE A COPY TO HER.

rainbowduck · 30/09/2017 23:17

My MIL wanted to be there at the birth too! I didn't have the backbone to stand up to her, but my doctor did. He told her only one person could be in the delivery room, and I could choose DH or her. Obviously no competition.

Thankfully, her ticket wasn't one way, and DS1 was 12 days late, so he was delivered as she was on the plane back home... whoop!

Mittens1969 · 30/09/2017 23:53

Oh dear, what a nightmare! I'm glad your DP is onside with you on this, he needs to be! Your MIL is just so cheeky, both for booking the one-way ticket and for wanting to be at the birth.

It's a good thing you don't have the space so you can't find yourselves being badgered into giving in and letting her stay.

Stay strong! Flowers

PickAChew · 30/09/2017 23:55

Not unreasonable. Not selfish. The only people you want around you, with a newborn, need to be both lovely and useful.

PickAChew · 01/10/2017 00:07

Like DaisyDrip :)

M&S cooked all our meals for us.

Ninabean17 · 01/10/2017 04:59

What does your dh think about his mum being at the birth? Cant believe she thinks she can just invite herself along

Laserbird16 · 01/10/2017 05:13

Bonkers. Tell her no way and if she kicks off remind her that if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren she should be mindful of her relationship with their parents I.e. You. This is not the time to protect her feelings. She obviously hasn't given a second thought about yours so lay some ground rules. if she goes ballistic perfect! She can enjoy her temper tantrum by herself while you and do enjoy your baby

CommonFishDiseases · 01/10/2017 07:00

OP I have to say I am curious as to whether your MIL is from a different culture or is White British? Understand if you don't want to overshare though.

SouthWindsWesterly · 01/10/2017 07:03

My MIL tried this. She's white British plus a nurse. It took some time for DH to stand up to her and has taken many years to repair the relationship.

Ploppie4 · 01/10/2017 07:06

Write in capitals that your mil is not to be present while in labour or giving birth.

Ploppie4 · 01/10/2017 07:07

On your birth plan. Tell the midwives verbally too

Ploppie4 · 01/10/2017 07:09

In labour it might also be a plan to slip away quietly under the guise that labour has stopped and you're nipping to a friends house to kill some time while DH does a food shop

bimbobaggins · 01/10/2017 07:23

With any luck she'll have booked through Ryanair.

CakesRUs · 01/10/2017 07:40

I couldn't stand my MIL or even My own DM living with us. They're both lovely. I need my space, it'd drive me nuts.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 01/10/2017 07:52

I think in situations like this you have to be honest about the capabilities of personality involved.

Is Mil thick skinned and pushy? Can dh face to face..
Manage her? I am sensing no so do it with distance between you know.
Oh the goats we also had pills there after hospital re arranging our home, chucked so much out, moved everything I had set up for after... I couldn't find anything I was disorientated, sil moved furniture to far better places Hmm df wouldn't leave and bugger off.

Second time he wasn't welcome and we didn't tell in laws. They stepped over every boundary you could think of. Had no care for me at all. Infact they treated me with contempt. I have tried to get over it, I have tried to forgive Mil but she still traipse over boundaries and behaves in arrogant fashion so I can't. And I have to accept that.

Justanothernameonthepage · 01/10/2017 08:01

I normally advocate using words and being straightforward.....but if you know that won't work....next time you talk to SIL/MIL can you mention that you're going to be resting up at your DM's from a week before the due date so not to worry if they don't hear anything (terrible phone signal there) and are really looking forward to inviting both families round once baby is here and you've all recovered from the birth.

Original poster
CheesecakeAddict · 01/10/2017 08:20

Thank you, there has been some really good advice on this thread and also some nice words.

MIL is not British, but southern European and apparently everyone (aunts, random cousins etc.) are invited to the birth, so she assumed. DP will be having a word with her today and will be telling her that under no circumstances will anyone but him and my midwives have access to the vagina show.

DP also agrees on set visiting times once we get home and boundaries will need to be set. I know she will want to do a lot And tbh this is my first, I have no idea how I am going to be once I get home and may relish the help, but I also need chance to bond with my child and if she begrudges me that, she'll be spending a lot more time in the hotel room.

We are not sure how long she plans to stay but we know she expected us to host Christmas so probably right into January. We have told SIL that we had plans to go up to DM's house for Christmas as we spent last Christmas with MIL and that was always going to be the plan and that I will not be hosting Christmas. We will be extending the invite to her, she is family after all and it might be a nice opportunity for the two families to meet for the first time.

OP posts:
Inertia · 01/10/2017 08:30

Of course yanbu.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 08:53

That does explain your MIL's pushiness to a certain extent, and why she might expect to be able to descend on you without an invitation as well. But she must know that the UK isn't like Southern Europe, and by the sounds of it your DH isn't happy about it either.

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