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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - not wanting MIL to come stay with us?

94 replies

CheesecakeAddict · 30/09/2017 19:55

I had a thread a while back really upset with my MIL. Basic backstory is that she was a complete bitch to me when I went to stay with her and she manipulates everyone around her to do exactly what she wants and constantly complains about my domestic capabilities.

Anyway, just found out that my MIL has just booked a one-way ticket to come and stay with us, 2 days before my due date. We live in a 2 bedroomed flat, so she assumed she could come live with us, but the second bedroom (box room) is currently my office/crap room and in 6 months time will be DC's room, so I have no where to put her. I've told DP she will need to stay in a hotel (as I have told my parents). But AIBU to not want her around? She will be the grandmother after all and maybe I am just seeing this like this because of the way she treated me when I was in her home. I just know she will be here 24/7 trying to take over childcare, judging the way I run my home (I am not untidy, my flat is spotless, I just make her DS do his fair share of the cleaning, laundry and cooking - we work like a team).

And maybe I am being selfish, but I wanted time to adjust to having a baby just me, DP and DC and enjoy baby being with us without visitors constantly popping around.

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 08:54

Whoops, I meant DP not DH, sorry!!

RaisinSmuggler · 01/10/2017 08:58

She sounds like Marie from everybody loves Raymond. Nightmare. He firm, hold your ground!

thegreylady · 01/10/2017 09:07

My dil is Turkish and invited me to be there when she had the baby. She had an elective caesarean so only ds in with her. However, at the hospital, outside the surgery, were aunts, uncles, grandparents (hers) , cousins, siblings, dil's parents me and dh!!
When the baby was born she was shown at a window with a card stating gender and weight. After about half an hour the doctor brought her out and asked,"Who is babanne?" This means father's mother. The baby was handed to me first then to dil's parents. They do things differently there. They were all disappointed that I went home 3 weeks after the birth!
When my dd had her first child I waited for a phone call saying the baby was born and I could go to the hospital.

ememem84 · 01/10/2017 09:24

Oh hell no! Make sure you tell midwives that she is not to be let into the delivery room.

I had ds last Sunday. And although there were minimal complications I still would not have wanted anyone other than dh and the medical professionals there.

I was asked whether I wanted my mum to be outside the room, but said no as coukdnt plan for when ds arrived. And also wouldn't have wanted anyone to see me immediately afterwards.

CommonFishDiseases · 01/10/2017 09:38

Ok... cross cultural family - This can be a delicate situation (I speak from experience!!). MIL could potentially be very helpful, with cooking etc. Depends on your relationship with her. But OP, if you plan on breastfeeding (and for bonding generally), try to tactfully not let MIL and lots of other relatives hold and carry your baby all the time, you need plenty of skin to skin and cuddle time with baby. That is the priority. They could help with pretty much everything else!

CommonFishDiseases · 01/10/2017 09:48

Sorry OP I just read your original post again. It sounds like it is very necessary to put some boundaries in place, e.g. not staying with you. Her previous actions and behaviour have consequences. This is not someone you need staying with you when you are in those vulnerable days post-partum. Please take care of your mental health. I can't share in detail here, but I have been through a very similar situation and it caused me lasting damage, emotionally and mentally.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/10/2017 10:23

DS1 was 12 days late, so he was delivered as she was on the plane back home

Come on - admit it!

You Araldited your cervix closed, didn't you?

Binghasalottoanswerfor · 01/10/2017 10:26

I think you just need to ban her completely. Go NC. She sounds horrendous

ItsNachoCheese · 01/10/2017 10:30

Id tell her to get lost tbh she sounds awful

SeaCabbage · 01/10/2017 10:32

Personally I would suggest you cancel her visit altogether and say you will invite her when you have settled at home and as you don;t' know the date of birth or how you will be feeling, that date is as yet unknown.

Having a difficult person around at that time even for two days could be very dangerous for your mental health. An open ended ticket? Just no.

Oriunda · 01/10/2017 10:35

Sounds like what happens in Italy. My SIL gave birth in summer. I was there when her waters broke, mopped them up and saw them off to hospital/bade them good luck and said I'd see them the next day. The rest of the family all rushed to the hospital (at 10pm) to await the birth. Husband wanted to take my 5yr old but I refused and so he went on his own.

Next day we went to visit and there were over 20 members of family/friends milling around her bed/room. SIL looked exhausted. We chatted then remained outside - for hours, as no one wanted to be seen to be first going home. Baby meanwhile was kept from her mother in the nursery where I watched the poor mite cry and have a nurse stuff a dummy in her mouth to silence her.

My MIL (who is also SIL MIL) had the monopoly of the room, including holding the baby to the boob to help her breastfeed. She tried to do this to me when my DS was born, touching my boob, and I shrank away in horror. Apparently it seems to be one of their jobs to manually assist in breastfeeding!

thegreylady · 01/10/2017 11:51

I must admit I felt more comfortable with the UK birth and I know my son would have preferred it too . On the plus side he was encouraged to stay the night with ddil and baby and a camp bed was put in her room for him. He stayed with her for two nights then brought them home.

Original poster

CheesecakeAddict · 01/10/2017 13:14

Oh gosh Oriunda, that sounds very intrusive >.<

DP just spoken to MIL and explained that only he will be in the birthing suite and she will be invited to come see the baby during visiting hours once I'm on the ward. He's also arranged it with SIL that MIL can stay with her (she is very excited about this), which is about an hour away. He will also be on leave for a month and wants time for us to settle in. So way less stressed this morning about the whole thing :) She'll get to see baby, and I will get some alone time with DC.

OP posts:

CommonFishDiseases · 01/10/2017 13:18

Well done OP, it's not easy to do

AuldHeathen · 01/10/2017 13:35

Good. That sounds better all round. And l hope it all goes well for the remainder of the pregnancy and thereafter.

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/10/2017 13:52

Fab news and far better to deal with it all ahead of instead of worrying about it

Tentomidnight · 01/10/2017 14:02

So glad your DP is on side and has dealt with his mum.
My MIL arrived after DC's birth and announced that she would be staying for a week. I told DH that I wasn't coming home until she had booked into a hotel. A difficult conversation for him to have with her, but he did it, despite her tears.

littlebillie · 02/10/2017 02:24

YANBU it's your home and baby my MIL was very dominant during the birth of my DC and it's ruined our long term relationship. You need space and also to determine when you visitors

LoveProsecco · 02/10/2017 21:27

Yay! Well done

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