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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not wanting MIL to come stay with us?

94 replies

CheesecakeAddict · 30/09/2017 19:55

I had a thread a while back really upset with my MIL. Basic backstory is that she was a complete bitch to me when I went to stay with her and she manipulates everyone around her to do exactly what she wants and constantly complains about my domestic capabilities.

Anyway, just found out that my MIL has just booked a one-way ticket to come and stay with us, 2 days before my due date. We live in a 2 bedroomed flat, so she assumed she could come live with us, but the second bedroom (box room) is currently my office/crap room and in 6 months time will be DC's room, so I have no where to put her. I've told DP she will need to stay in a hotel (as I have told my parents). But AIBU to not want her around? She will be the grandmother after all and maybe I am just seeing this like this because of the way she treated me when I was in her home. I just know she will be here 24/7 trying to take over childcare, judging the way I run my home (I am not untidy, my flat is spotless, I just make her DS do his fair share of the cleaning, laundry and cooking - we work like a team).

And maybe I am being selfish, but I wanted time to adjust to having a baby just me, DP and DC and enjoy baby being with us without visitors constantly popping around.

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 30/09/2017 21:32

My ex MIL (& weak willed FIL) completely ruined taking my twins home from hospital.

I will never forgive her for what she did, or ex for being such a walkover.
It ruined what should have been a special time, I was so desperate to be at home with my babies...

Hell, I'm upset tearful just recalling it.

So be firm now, agree clearly with OH and spell it out for your MIL.

Binghasalottoanswerfor · 30/09/2017 21:34

WTAF?!?!?! Op, please pick up the phone and nip this in the bud now. The longer you put it off the harder it will be.....

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 30/09/2017 21:35

Yes I did read what you said.

Op it's going to be very hard for you if your parents are disrespectful as well.
If dh can't try and get her to change her dates how, before the birth, over the phone or by email, how will he do this, face to face with pushy granny and pushy in laws when he may have been up with you for nights, and been through a trying time... As well as exhaustion, exhalation. If he can't manage them now you have to accept that they may worse at birth. And after.

Usually one side is decent its unfortunate both sides can't respect boundaries. Good luck op.

Binghasalottoanswerfor · 30/09/2017 21:36

Stripey may I ask what I happened? X

AtSea1979 · 30/09/2017 21:37

I just make her DS ..... no, no, no! Don't MAKE him do anything. If he doesn't want to be part of the Team without nagging then send him to the hotel to live with him mum.
misses point of thread

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 30/09/2017 21:37

The other thing is the competitive spirit between grannies, if one wants to be in the room etc you can bet the other one will

CanIBuffalo · 30/09/2017 21:37

As DH is on side, get him to tell her that you will not be having visitors in your last week of pregnancy and that she is only to visit when invited. End of. He to be blunt and 100% no nonsense. No entering into discussion with her at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2017 21:38

MIL has just booked a one-way ticket to come and stay with us, 2 days before my due date Shock Who does this?

SonicBoomBoom · 30/09/2017 21:38

Ummm, Whaaaaaat?

DeadDoorpost · 30/09/2017 21:40

Cheesecake hell no is that gonna happen! Please also make sure your midwives know you DO NOT WANT HER THERE so that she can't barge in. Cannot believe she thinks it'll be ok...

mummabubs · 30/09/2017 21:42

God she sounds like a nightmare!! (Sorry OP!) No way should she assume she can just be at the birth or that you'd be happy with her staying?! So utterly self-centred and rude. Get DH on putting that straight asap!

SheepyFun · 30/09/2017 21:45

You'll probably be feeling pretty vulnerable for a while after the birth. I definitely agree with others on fixed visiting hours, and possibly only when he is present? Then he can deflect her when necessary.

BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2017 21:53

Your DH needs to ask her to change her travel plans entirely. I can't even imagine what would possess someone to invite themselves to the birth! Entitled much? She shouldn't be allowed to be in the same postcode!

Lunde · 30/09/2017 21:54

DH needs to ring her ASAP and relay your family boundaries - you need to make sure she understands the situation in advance as you do not want to have this argument at 40 weeks

  • she is NOT attending the birth . make sure that you tell the midwives that she is not to come into the delivery room even if she turns up at the hospital
  • she is NOT staying with you and needs to sort out her own hotel room
  • she is welcome to visit for short periods - but she will NOT be living at your flat from 8am-10pm, you will not be hosting and waiting on her

If she wants to throw a tantrum and decides not to come - then this is OK too Grin

llangennith · 30/09/2017 22:01

As Lunde says!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 30/09/2017 22:03

The fact that she didn't even ask to visit / being at the birth would mean she gets a month ban, I would tell her you're over due then make her wait few weeks
When you do Meet, meet at outside venue so you can leave immediately she says anything shitty

DameGlitterSparkles · 30/09/2017 22:04

WTAF?!

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/09/2017 22:05

You need a game plan now OP otherwise you'll be stressed about her, your DP will be trying to manage her instead of supporting you and all of that could put a spanner in the works labour wise, you need to be relaxed (well you know what I mean!) and feel safe/chilled or it can inhibit your labour.

ohthegoats · 30/09/2017 22:11

Just come straight out with how you want it to be.

I had to do the same, it was awkward and awful saying it, but in the end I just had to do it. Partner 'backed me up' by not saying anything either way, other than 'it's her decision'. Not idea, but better than nothing.

In the end they were at our house when we got home from hospital - I was furious, but it did give me chance to get upstairs and sort out our bedroom/sort myself out a bit. Then came downstairs, put baby in a stretchy sling, drank a quick G&T and went to bed with my daughter - where we stayed pretty much for the next 3 days. PIL stayed in a hotel and popped in the following day, but left quite quickly.

The following two weeks were good.

I wouldn't want to have had anyone in the house while I was in labour either - that's very personal.

AuditAngel · 30/09/2017 22:13

My MIL also booked a ticket to arrive 2 days before my due date. To be fair, they weren't planning on staying with us. 3 months earlier she had been in the delivery room when my nephew was born (SIL's 4th child, 2nd with BIL). She made it quite clear she was expecting the same with my 1st child.

I don't believe DH ever manned up and to,d her it wasn't happening. Fortunately my waters broke and DS was induced, born 203 days before due date!

I also managed to have DD1 2.5 weeks before due date, date before she arrived (Planned CS).

With DD2 she waited until my CS was booked. I had EMCS 6 days earlier.........

AuditAngel · 30/09/2017 22:15

That should have been 3 days before due date....

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 30/09/2017 22:22

What!!

How did you find out she plans to be there at the birth!!? over my dead body would this ever happen.

Bluetrews25 · 30/09/2017 22:26

I hope DP is able to get some inner strength to protect you and his child, OP as it sounds like he is used to being severely pushed around by this nasty piece of work.
I'd be tempted to send message back via SIL (as she has not seen fit to even ask you herself, so why do you need to bother to speak to her?) that she will not be welcome until invited. And you will throw her out for good if she oversteps the mark. Sounds like you need to at least reduce contact.
How sneaky of her to arrange things without asking you! Obviously done so as you do not get the opportunity to refuse! And how stupid of her to be so rude to you previously! She needs reminding that not only will you 'own' her grandchild, but you will also be choosing her nursing home.....

DaisyDrip · 30/09/2017 22:34

I'm a DM a Mil a DD a Dil and a granny Smile I say no, no, no in all capacities. The birth of a child is a magical but exhausting business and the new parents need to be left alone to meet their new baby to bond and to establish feeding.

Your mil must be told to back off. When my DD had their babies, I stayed at home and waited for the invitation to visit. I admit I was pacing with excitement but remembered how I felt when my first DC arrived and how I felt. My mil arrived at the hospital the day after my DD was born, counted her fingers and toes and tried to take her out of my arms. (It didn't happen). My own mum lived hundreds of miles away so couldn't interfere.

I asked if they would like stuff cooked for them to freeze and they were grateful for that, so when I went to visit DGC I took the food, popped some in the freezer, some in the fridge for that day and had cuddles around feeding and mums paranoid PFB glances Grin

Please, please don't allow anyone, mum or mil to spoil those first precious days. Time to spend with the DGC come later for grannies when mum and dad can't wait to have a afternoon/evening/night of peace, then we become invaluable.

Congratulations and be strong.

Ttbb · 30/09/2017 22:43

YANBU. I had my MIL to stay when first baby was born. It wasn't terrible but I didn't leave my bedroom the whole time.

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