To be really honest with my friend about childcare

[mincepiewithbrandy]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but here goes!!
My friend has recently fallen out with her friend who provides a LOT of childcare for her. They are no longer speaking.
She has a cycling hobby (that she sees as a necessity) that involves being out at least twice a day for an hour or two, she pops out when her DH gets home and asks whoever she can for help to watch her DD when she goes a second time.

I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks and I know she's going to ask me to help as I've just handed my notice to be a SAHM and she's recently moved to a 5 minute drive away from us.

She's hinted many times before and I've previously breezed past it but I don't think I'll be so lucky this time!!
The thing is I don't mind if it's an emergency type situation- I would definitely be there for anyone in a situation like that, BUT I don't want to be tied down looking after someone else's child on a regular basis. If I say yes to one day occasionally, she's a lovely CF sometimes!
Thing is I don't know what to say?
I don't have any reason other than, I don't want to.
Part of the reason for me handing my notice is my previous pregnancy was hard and complicated and as we're ttc, I don't want to put myself under any pressure. Thanks in advance!

I always say I can just about handle the one I've got, which is why I've only got one!

I remember one year someone asking me what I was doing Christmas Eve, thinking they were going to suggest doing something nice together with the kids I said 'nothing' ... foolish me, she then says could I watch her children as she had to work! I Just said 'Can't, got Christmas prep to do'. Now if another parent asks what I'm doing I say 'I'm not sure I'll have to check my diary, why do you ask?'

"While I would of course step up if you needed help in an emergency, e.g. Accident, I am not becoming a SAHM to go into the childminding business. [local babysitter] might be able to help you out. She charges £X an hour."

End of conversation!

Lillyringlet post reminded me of this www.theguardian.com/politics/2009/sep/28/government-orders-review-babysitting-police

Two police officers who were taking care of each others children whilst the other worked, they got into trouble over it.

You have some excellent advice here .

Just another point - if she really wanted to do her hobby one day a week she could offer to make a reciprocal arrangement with a friend. For example, Friend takes her children every Tuesday for a couple of hours and she looks after friends kids on a Thursday.

As long as both parties are reliable, these types of arrangements can work well.

I'm not suggesting that YOU do this, just pointing out that's what's a reasonable and non CF person would do. The fact that she's not even tried to make such an arrangement speaks volumes.

I was about to link to the same thing. My friend was going to go into a child care swap thing and this is what stopped her - she didn't want to risk it! £5000 is a lot of money to be fined!

Reciprocal arrangements where no payment (in cash or in kind) changes hands are exempt now.

www.devon.gov.uk/cypsfactsheet-disc6-childmindingbetweenfriends.pdf

Obviously that doesn't mean that you should do it, op!

Don't do it. I was asked in a similar situation by neighbours when we moved on to our road. It was tricky saying no - I said I had some occasional work that comes up once or twice a month and couldn't commit to them. And that going forward my plans might change so I couldn't have them relying on me. I was asked a few times (to do school run and to mind for a few hours on ad hoc basis) it s really difficult to say no, and I have helped out on days when they suddenly found themselves without childcare but I ve also refused or been vague when asked in advance kindof to put them off and have them feel I m not their reliable fall back babysitter. Funnily enough the one time I said I d grab the bull by the horns and ask for a favour back they were unavailable !!!

Not wanting to do something is a really valid reason for not doing it.

And she could put her child in a trailer on her bike.

just tell her no, she can like it or lump it

and you prob have guessed why she fell out with the person who always gave her free childcare, maybe they grew a pair too

If you are worried you will give in, think who is "paying". It will be your own child (spontaneity gone, forced company every day), yourself, your DH.

Many of us are a bit soft when a chancer steals or own resources. Most of us are capable of defending our kids' resources. Don't take your child's time and hand it to a grown up with a frivolous hobby she cannot do without randoms giving up their time.

Reminds me of WORKzilla

Fil cycles lots, he has a bike stand thing so turned a normal road bike into an exercise bike. Surely that would work. Or getting a Burley trailer

I would get in before her and be a real CF (morning school drop off, plus collect and keep for an hour or so every day) so there is no way she would say yes, then she won't feel able to ask you for help. If she bring it up in the future just act as though you think she means swapping for what you needed help with and helping each other out

anechdoche

Ohyesiam - I agree with you

i love the "God no it's bad enough with my own kids...: tinkly laugh, response.

Or the calling her a loon whilst thinking she is joking, one.

Keeps it light hearted but gets the message across.

If she's thick skinned enough to ask then she's also thick skinned enough to be told no.

"No, I'm giving up work in order to spend more time with my own children."

A friend of mine wanted me to look after her DS while I was on maternity leave. She, too, wanted it on a regular basis. I told her it'd cost her £20 an hour and £10 for each half hour thereafter.

The look on her face was priceless, and she never asked me again.

I had ds2's best friend here after school every day from the age of 5 to the age of 11 and also his sister (four years younger) from 4 to 7. It suited me as they get a lot of homework in the Belgian system and it motivated ds2 to get on with it so they could play. They were delightful children (and are now lovely adults) and the only reason I said to their dm that I would no longer be able to do every day was because ds2 was starting to need a more focussed approach to school work. Her reply was "Well what am I going to do with them? I'll have to put them in after school study class. You have to pay for the week so I'll send them every day." I said she could do that but that I would be very cross if she told them I didn't want them there anymore, that they were more than welcome three days a week and that it would be a shame to deprive the dcs of spending time with my dcs just because she wanted to be petty. She swallowed her pride and they continued to come.

I had a friend that kept wanting me to look after her kid in the mornings before school, so she could work. I did it for months, but it was a massive pain in the arse, as all my kids have ASD and so did hers, and he kept trying to get me to not make him go to school, and it was really unsettling for my middle boy, because mornings are always our most stressful time of day anyway. It also seemed to be the case that whenever I asked her to look after mine, she would have something on.
I eventually had to tell her that it wasnt working for me, because I loved her and her DS and I wanted to keep it that way.

She actually bloody told him that I didnt want him to come anymore. The child actually confronted me about it in the playground a few months later. Awkward.
Why the hell would anyone think i, as a parent of 3 kids with SEN, would just be ok with having another one in the mix every bloody day. I like to be able to help people out where I can, but sometimes its a complete pisstake and you have to be really assertive

Just tell her no and be done with it. She's a CF.

I've found that a good answer is, "no thank you". It makes it sound like they have asked if you want something and you have replied very politely, calmly and to the point.

What you need to do is look at it like this: you know the arrangement will not work and, further down the line, telling her so is going to be extremely awkward. Far more so than just telling her no in the first place. In a similar situation, I would just say I couldn't commit to all that as I go out a lot and would not want to let her down. Actually I would start avoiding her if I thought shed ask me until she'd found some other sucker

Would it be too rude (but appropriate) to tell her 'on your bike, mate!'?