To be really honest with my friend about childcare

[mincepiewithbrandy]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but here goes!!
My friend has recently fallen out with her friend who provides a LOT of childcare for her. They are no longer speaking.
She has a cycling hobby (that she sees as a necessity) that involves being out at least twice a day for an hour or two, she pops out when her DH gets home and asks whoever she can for help to watch her DD when she goes a second time.

I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks and I know she's going to ask me to help as I've just handed my notice to be a SAHM and she's recently moved to a 5 minute drive away from us.

She's hinted many times before and I've previously breezed past it but I don't think I'll be so lucky this time!!
The thing is I don't mind if it's an emergency type situation- I would definitely be there for anyone in a situation like that, BUT I don't want to be tied down looking after someone else's child on a regular basis. If I say yes to one day occasionally, she's a lovely CF sometimes!
Thing is I don't know what to say?
I don't have any reason other than, I don't want to.
Part of the reason for me handing my notice is my previous pregnancy was hard and complicated and as we're ttc, I don't want to put myself under any pressure. Thanks in advance!

Do deal with this. If not in about a year's time you'll be making plans for who is going to do "your" day when you go into labour.

Is she is a stay at home mum? She is cheeky asking for favours for childcare when she gets out when her DH is home to. I think I would just laugh at her, she can find a proper childminder or ease up on the cycling. She doesn't need you, she wants you, remember that and it should make it easier to say no. Maybe pry about why her and the other friend fell out. Suggest if she wants to keep her friends she won't lean on them so heavily.

'Eeeeeerrrrrrr no thanks! I've got enough on my plate at the moment! Anyway about that cup of tea.....' would be my response. I think ElizabethDarcys reply is the best. Honest clear assertive but unstuffy and still friendly. Do people actually say 'that doesn't work for me' in real life? It's so standoffish and I've never heard anyone use it except on here.

All you have to say is NO. "Sorry, that does not work for me." You are grown up and need to stand strong for yourself. Her childcare needs are not your problem.

OP the problem is that your friend doesn't sound as if she understands the word 'occasionally'. This is probably why she's fallen out with the other friend. She is making it into an all or nothing situation - not you. You're quite within your rights to say no.

I would just say no, and if pushed, No I don't want to. She is being ridiculous.

Dont be like me....when my kids were younger i got suckered into these kind of arrangements....I still feel irked at the people who took advantage of me.

I like the idea of saying no and giving her details of a paid child carer. Emphasises that what she's expecting to get for free is actually valued, paid labour.

"I don't want to commit to or find myself looking after anybody's child on a regular basis. You'll need to think of something else if you want to go out on your bike. Have you thought about a babysitter?"

"I'll have to leave no room for questioning"

'Absolutely not! I can't give up my recreational time, in order to give you recreational time. I'm amazed you asked.'

Well done for noticing that this request is coming. You'll be nice and prepared to say NO!

Sorry if someone has already said this but I would just say I will help out in an emergency if I am available, but cannot commit to it as a regular/permanent thing. She should be able to realise that cycling is not essential. Why should you give up your job to allow her to continue with her hobby?! People only get away with this shit cos people let them x

I have a similar situation. I never volunteer and, if asked, I might, but it would be on a case by case basis, not a given. We all value our own time. Cycling twice a day isn't a necessity.

🤣 @Anecdoche

Cheeky cow!!! just say no.

Agree you can't leave any room for wriggling, no 'I can't' but 'I don't want to'. If you say "I can't today" she'll ask why and then might offer to solve your problem. Or she'll ask about the next day, or the next. You'll have to say "I don't want to."

Just say "I'm going to say no...but it's not personal, I don't want to look after anyone's kid as a regular thing. I always be here in an emergency though. Maybe you can get a regular babysitter if you want to take the bike out? That's what I'd do."

Did she ever do any childcare for the friend? Why does she see the cycling as a necessity?

Hmm, but it seems that the cf sister on another thread has found a response to "that doesn't work for me."
She said, "Well you'd better start making it work, then!"

The only person I'd do this for is my best friend as I know she'd do it for me too. It we live 150 miles away!

Just say look, I know you like your hobby but you're going to have to find paid baby sitting if you want this because it's really unfair on me

If you want to occasionally ask that's fine, but that's on the agreement that you promise the same for me so I can start running again

Or you could buy an indoor biking system like a lot of triathletes have

Id say no, I cant commit to that as I have stuff to get on with, but have you thought about local teenager who might be interested in a regular babysitting slot

Get in there first and ask how she's going to deal with it. She'll be so disarmed that when you say 'I just can't be relied upon', she probably won't have a lot to say.

I also don't mind helping out but would resent regularly being tied down. Be strong and say no.

Some great answers here! I'm going to have to be really cold and blunt and make it clear that I simply don't want to, end of.

I was worried I would be flamed because if it's for a couple of hours once every week or so it could sound mean to say no, as her family can't help out because she moved to the other end of the country.
I can't imagine her being the most reasonable person if I cancelled last minute.. if I wasn't feeling well or any other reason, hence the fall out with other friend.

Loved the poster's comment about valuing our friendship too much for it to end in the same way the other friend has... and I wouldn't want the same thing to happen etc etc. If she does care about me as a friend she'd accept it, if not then sadly good riddance I suppose!
No idea why she doesn't get an indoor bike or a less stressful hobby!!
Once again thank you all wise Mumsnetters for your help