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Original poster

To be really honest with my friend about childcare

131 replies

mincepiewithbrandy · 29/09/2017 18:43

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but here goes!!
My friend has recently fallen out with her friend who provides a LOT of childcare for her. They are no longer speaking.
She has a cycling hobby (that she sees as a necessity) that involves being out at least twice a day for an hour or two, she pops out when her DH gets home and asks whoever she can for help to watch her DD when she goes a second time.

I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks and I know she's going to ask me to help as I've just handed my notice to be a SAHM and she's recently moved to a 5 minute drive away from us.

She's hinted many times before and I've previously breezed past it but I don't think I'll be so lucky this time!!
The thing is I don't mind if it's an emergency type situation- I would definitely be there for anyone in a situation like that, BUT I don't want to be tied down looking after someone else's child on a regular basis. If I say yes to one day occasionally, she's a lovely CF sometimes!
Thing is I don't know what to say?
I don't have any reason other than, I don't want to.
Part of the reason for me handing my notice is my previous pregnancy was hard and complicated and as we're ttc, I don't want to put myself under any pressure. Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Abbylee · 30/09/2017 19:00

My advice to newlymarrieds is the same to you: keep a handy unpredictable illness available: migraines, ibs, etc. Anything that has gruesome symptoms is also goid for privacy.

It lets spouse off and in laws and friends may be suspicious, but really cannot dispute your need to rest/read/ watch tv with headphonesWine.

Lovingit81 · 30/09/2017 19:05

What a cheeky cow! I know it's hard but she's taking the mick and you need to stand up for yourself! I know it will be hard but just say no, tell her the truth. If she's a proper friend she will understand. "Sorry mate I wish I could but I've got loads on my plate with ttc and I just don't want to commit." If she strops she's a child and you're well rid x

expatinscotland · 30/09/2017 19:07

Practice what Elizabeth said. OVER AND OVER! And it has to be NO because people like that don't understand occasionally, in fact, your last post makes you wonder why you are friends with this person. She's rude. And she fell out with the last person because she ripped the piss out of them and they got sick of it.

DopeyDazy · 30/09/2017 19:43

my motto is a friend in need is a feckin nuisance. Tell her no way ever or every day will be a new emergency

Lillyringlet · 30/09/2017 19:48

You know you could law it up if you are in the UK! There's a law that says if you aren't family or a registered child minder (whose being paid) that you can't baby sit another child on a regular basis.

Basically you can't do it for longer than 17 hours combined for the whole year so you can say you have a real legal foot to stand on if she really tries to push it. 17 hours goes you enough emergency times but not enough for a regular thing.

Tell her that "I can't, I don't want to risk it as my friend got caught for it recently"

twilightcafe · 30/09/2017 19:53

Under no circumstances say you'll help in an emergency. Those 'emergencies' will be coming thick and fast, otherwise.

FaithAgain · 30/09/2017 20:02

I think I'd phrase it as 'Given the amount if childcare you require, you need to look at a registered childminder.' Lilly makes a good point about the law.

permatiredmum · 01/10/2017 03:15

You only need to be register as a cm if you are being paid and it is more than 2 hours per day

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2017 04:04

Good luck. I've done a lot of looking after friends kids, and sometimes I've found it a real strain looking after friends' kids! I think it is just best to say no, it's not convenient and go broken marriage. Don't go into details and don't make up excuses etc. The more you say the more can turned back onto you as a reason you may be able to do it.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2017 04:05

broken record!! Auto correct!

AnotherLegoBrick · 01/10/2017 06:31

Not sure Lily has her facts correct there, in fact I'm almost certain she doesn't - keep it simple just say 'no, sorry I can't do it'.

AngelaTwerkel · 01/10/2017 06:47

"There's a law that says if you aren't family or a registered child minder (whose being paid) that you can't baby sit another child on a regular basis."

LOL. Our babysitting circle would be totally BUSTED if this were true!

Collaborate · 01/10/2017 07:08

There is absolutely no reason on earth why she can't ensure that the second time she goes out is also a time when her husband is available. That is such an obvious solution to her. If her own husband can't be arsed putting himself out to look after his own kid and help his own wife, or she can't be bothered with the faff of changing the time of her second cycle of the day, how does she expect someone else to be bothered enough to help?

Ploppie4 · 01/10/2017 07:14

''Sorry I don't have the stamina. I'm feeling too run down''

''I really don't want to be tied down to any arrangements at the moment. it's such a relief to stop work and I want to enjoy the DC's freedom fully''

I can understand the cycling being a necessity for mental health by the way. But she needs to pay someone or do an exchange of sorts.

Collaborate · 01/10/2017 07:14

LOL. Our babysitting circle would be totally BUSTED if this were true!

It is true, but not if you care for the children of one or more friends in your own home or someone else’s home:

  1. if no money or payment changes hands
  2. for three hours or less per day, and some payment is made.

Payment is defined as a ‘payment of money or money’s worth’ but does not include the provision of goods or services; it means payment for or towards the costs involved in the childcare, such as a contribution to heating and lighting, or paying for food or repairs to the place where the childminding happens.

Probably unlikely to apply to a loose arrangement between friends for looking after each other's children now and again in exchange for a small contribution to expenses.

Ploppie4 · 01/10/2017 07:16

''Sadly it would be too much for me to look after them weekly. Have you thought about getting an indoor bike?'

So turn it back on her

Flyingbellycopters · 01/10/2017 07:18

If you like running then you could come to reciprocal agreement but not every day just once a week or fortnight say you'll swap kids so she can have hour on bike and you can have hour running.
BUT only if all your children together get on and you like hers. Nothing worse if you loomafter other people's kids and they are annoying!

pictish · 01/10/2017 07:24

I can also totally understand her desire to get her bike out and pursue her interest there...it's very difficult for parents to find the space and time to indulge these things. However, that's the way it goes....you don't look to someone else to reduce their leisure time looking after your kid, so you can increase your own.

"Sorry I don't have the stamina. I'm feeling too run down''

Don't bother saying anything like this...it's an explanation...an excuse...and none is required. Just, "no thanks, it's nothing personal but I don't want to commit to any regular babysitting."

pictish · 01/10/2017 07:25

P.s Unless it's family or someone else who wants to look after your kid. Then it's fine.

whiteroseredrose · 01/10/2017 07:30

Again, I found that honesty can be the best policy.

We've taken a big hit financially so that I can spend time with my DC. Not so that I can be free childcare for someone else.

LML83 · 01/10/2017 07:38

Totally understand why you would say no. I would be the same.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 01/10/2017 07:40

I expect I'm missing the point and probably haven't read the whole thread properly but who on earth goes out on a bike twice a day?!
How old is this child?
I know that exercise is fab and people get really enthusiastic about cycling but I think I would genuinely be concerned about a friend who needed to spend that much time out of the house on a hobby. I'd have to wonder if she was either avoiding her child or "medicating" with cycling.
I know that's probably inappropriate of me and not your issue though.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 01/10/2017 07:47

Just tell her what you've said here. You don't need to make lengthy excuses. Offer to help her look into a nursery/childminder instead? Relying on friends for childcare seems precarious if she's liable to fall out with them.

Spudlet · 01/10/2017 07:51

Suggest she gets a bike seat / trailer / tag along and takes the kid with her for added resistance training. Or a turbo trainer.

She sounds like a cheeky madam so for goodness sake, don't leave her any wiggle room to try and beat you down!

Inertia · 01/10/2017 08:13

So why can't she leave the children with her husband every time she cycles?

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