To be really honest with my friend about childcare

[mincepiewithbrandy]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but here goes!!
My friend has recently fallen out with her friend who provides a LOT of childcare for her. They are no longer speaking.
She has a cycling hobby (that she sees as a necessity) that involves being out at least twice a day for an hour or two, she pops out when her DH gets home and asks whoever she can for help to watch her DD when she goes a second time.

I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks and I know she's going to ask me to help as I've just handed my notice to be a SAHM and she's recently moved to a 5 minute drive away from us.

She's hinted many times before and I've previously breezed past it but I don't think I'll be so lucky this time!!
The thing is I don't mind if it's an emergency type situation- I would definitely be there for anyone in a situation like that, BUT I don't want to be tied down looking after someone else's child on a regular basis. If I say yes to one day occasionally, she's a lovely CF sometimes!
Thing is I don't know what to say?
I don't have any reason other than, I don't want to.
Part of the reason for me handing my notice is my previous pregnancy was hard and complicated and as we're ttc, I don't want to put myself under any pressure. Thanks in advance!

Surely she will have to move her cycling to fit when her DH is home?

there was a mum at school who was known for piss taking. she phoned me the night before she needed her dd picking up. i said, yes absolutely i'll do it tomorrow. but no way can i do it on a regular basis. strictly emergencies only. silence. but i held my ground. and she didn't ask again. she wasn't a friend though.

you're right that your friend will keep pestering you if you help once. you have to say no right from the start. you could preempt it by saying how desperate you are to rest. if you could negotiate a hard hour for hour reciprocal arrangement that might benefit you, then do it. otherwise a flat no. don't feel you have to give explanations.

i LOVE anecdoche's response. that's what i'm always thinking...

Why on earth doesn't she get one of those cycle cars for her dd then she can take her biking with her , Don't do it OP it's a real piss take !

Smile really nicely and say, 'I thought you'd ask that and I'm afraid the answer is no, I can't. I really don't like the idea of becoming someone's regular childcare. I gave up work to spend more time with X and right now he/she is my main focus and I'm not going to commit to anything else. I hope you find a good babysitter'. If she asks, nags, wheedles, begs just say, 'Please don't keep asking because I'm not going to change my mind and I don't want it to get awkward'.

Tell her no the reason you've become a sahm is to look after your own child not hers or anyone else's cheeky mare

Just say "I can't really commit to a regular thing and I'd hate to be letting you down all the time. Sorry."

Just seen that you are a sahm. That's the only 'excuse' you need. You want to have this time just you and your dd and why doesn't she get a bike seat so her dd can go with her?

These thick skinned types always manage to make us feel the difficult ones rather than them. This woman is a cheeky f. Why can't her DH look after her kids. I'd tell her you've turned down your sister for childcare and so can't do it for her. I'm always for the feeble excuse rather than meeting the problem head-on.

I wouldn't have given this more than a moments thought, if she asked I'd just say that I'm sorry but I don't want to help out. Ther would be no agnsting and no wishy washy'ness. If she persisted I'd just repeat myself.

Start with laughter and blurt out "God no!" Follow up with "No way am I committing to that. Get a babysitter you loon! Fancy another coffee/what are you doing for Christmas? etc"

I think you need to be honest. If she asks, perhaps try "I'll watch DC tomorrow as a one off, but I just want to be clear I don't want to do regular childcare. Realistically, you're going to have to find some formal childcare if you need someone to regularly have [DC] so you can get out to ride."

Don't say "I can't" - because you could if you wanted to, you don't want to, so say "I don't want to".

Cheeky fuckers are great at finding 'solutions' to why you can't do what they want you to do. "I don't want to" is much harder to argue with.

(And if she dares question why you don't want to, just say "because I don't like looking after other people's children, and don't see why I should.")

oh and it's worth saying "I'll do it as an one off, but not regularly" when she first asks, because I bet she won't ask "Will you have XXX every day for an hour every week day between Y and Z time?" she'll ask "Are you ok having XXX tomorrow?" then again and then again... she won't come out and say "it's goign to be X number of days a week every week", but will ask for each favour as if it's a one off.

Can't she get one of those cycle trainer things set up in her garage and pedal on it after her DD has gone to bed?

I would say - look at the strain it put on your friendship with x, I value our friendship too much to risk that so if you have an emergency then feel free to ask or as a one off but I think you need to organise some paid childcare if you're going to continue your hobby as you have been.
Or I'd like to think I would anyway

Just say, no sorry I cannot comitte myself. She can ask, it's your right to say no. It's a hobby, not an emergency situation. If she cannot get childcare she cannot do it as often. She shoukd do it when her partner is around.

Or she should get a babysitter to look after her child, not expect free childcare.

Doe a Phoebe Buffet and say "I could but I don't want to"

Just remember - she can't make you do this.

Some great advice on this thread - we so often tread on eggshells around rhinoceros hide types, when they do not deserve the courtesy.

If she has the brass neck to even ask this, then you are perfectly entitled to just say 'no' right back.

She has no right to be offended, and if she is offended, then it's probably a signal to call time on the friendship.

sorry "I wish I could but I don't want to"

Just say no. She has a husband, let him do it.

So she had soneone doing lots of free childcare for her and now they've fallen out. Taking advantage too many times tends to lead to that.
Just say you've got quite a lot planned so can't help. A childminder is best for regular childcare.

I'd use "it doesn't work for me" and, if pressed, say "I prefer not to make reciprocal childcare arrangements with friends, unless there's an emergency".

A passive aggressive reminder to her that favours should be reciprocal!

You really don’t need to make an excuse. Once you get in the habit of being polite but clear and truthful it can be so liberating and leaves no door open for cf’s to argue with you.

Just be straight with her. She is taking the piss by asking for regular free childcare to carry on her hobby so that you can’t do any of your own. There are some good honest polite answers already suggested by others, pick one and practice saying it out loud so that when she asks it just rolls off your tongue.

I'd say something like "I'm not available I'm afraid but I can let you have the details of X who I use for babysitting, she's £10 per hour"

More helpful than just "no" but also reminds her she's being a CF in asking for free babysitting

This reminds me of when a relative kept doing things they didn't want to, and I said you need to learn my response if you don't want to do something.
'No'
I don't know why you thought you would get flamed. You are a sahm to look after your children. Not provide free childcare.
I am a sahm too and I am actually quite happy to help my friends out, but not on a permanent basis and I know they would help me if I asked too.