To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

Get him on the fucking sofa immediately, then kick him out the next day. What a despicable father.

Don't leave him.

Kill him . . .

LTB.

He's not traumatised from the birth. You are. Yet you're still looking after your baby.

Yes, he has always been selfish and you just haven't realised it.

My ex was exactly like this. Life as a single parent was much easier. He's not a dad or a partner, what's the point of him being around?

I think you should follow every step of bitchfromhell's advice.
And I also agree with other posters who've predicted that it won't be long before he's "encouraging" you into trying sex.
Personally, I'd never be able to forgive or forget this.

I had one like this. Only it was his social life, not the gym. It never got better, in fact it just got worse. The only that might shock him out of it is if you just up and leave with your child. Is there anyone you can stay with? That said, it didn't work for me. It shocked him a bit but mainly because all our friends and family were so horrified I had been driven to this. He soon got back to his old selfish self. His behaviour made me miserable for children's early years. What a waste, I cried every day for five years - not exaggerating. Don't wast your children's early years on this shit.

I wonder if he has undiagnosed Aspergers /asd. That's not an excuse but may explain why he seems to lack empathy and possibly can't cope with this enormous change in your lives...therefore he carries on as before because he really doesn't know what else to do.

Obviously he needs to change pronto but maybe someone needs to step in and tell him how. Practical step by step guidance might be more use than rows and recriminations. As some others have said,be very specific about what he needs to do,how and when,even what time. Some men are terrified of the whole 'new baby' thing and are only too happy to escape or hide.

Some serious discussions and some professional support.-midwife,health visitor etc- might help your life to improve,especially if you don't have much family support.

It's not helpful to suggest breaking up a marriage 3 weeks after a birth. It's a hugely testing time for many of us-a complete shock to the system-and you need more help. He needs the deal spelling out but not with a long list of threats.

I really hope things improve for you.

From a very practical point of view surely it doesn't do you any good to not be able to shower or wash when you have such a painful and new injury? He should be able to see that you need help with that practicality if nothing else.

Absolutely this, as a bare minimum you need to be able to keep clean or you're going to end up with an infection.

This is atrocious behaviour.
He sounds like my ex. He didn’t get any better. I wish I’d saved myself the frustration and heartache and left sooner.

Could he be undiagnosed Aspergers? He seems to have no clue about how to act in this new situation and unable to understand how you feel. Keeping to his routines may be part of the Aspergers mindset. I only mention it as I used to work with young Aspergers men who seemed to ok on the surface but any new situation would highlight their difficulties. One lad stormed into his mums bedroom when she was laid low with flu upset because who was going to make his tea if she was too ill to get out of bed? My dad, who I’m convinced looking back was Aspergers, once went to stay with his mum for a week when my mum’s mental health was particularly bad. He genuinely looked puzzled when it was pointed out how inappropriate that was. In fact, I’d say his lack of empathy was the cause of her fragile mental health. Of course your DH could just be a selfish arse but it’s worth considering he may be on the spectrum and needs appropriate behaviour explained and learned without expecting him to pick up on things naturally.

Crossed post Campion!

He's a petulant bully. Stamping his feet and turning on you when you very reasonably ask for some support. He's a pathetic excuse for a man, beyond selfish! 'Men' like him rarely change. Honestly, I rarely say this, but LTB! He's making your life harder at a very vulnerable time for you (can't believe the selfishness of taking the bed and leaving you to the couch in your condition!) You're seeing his true colours, unfortunately.
Btw, those saying you should leave him with the baby. I personally wouldn't trust him. He's capable of drafting mum or sis or whoever in so he can sod off to the gym, by the sound of it.
I feel for you.

If exercise is that important tell him to go for a walk with the baby in the pram for an hour or two so you can have some time to yourself rather than going to the gym... Hell when my sister in laws children comes to visit i quite often take her kids out for a walk to the park so they can have a cup of tea and a catchup for a bit.

Seriously you have given him a child and he is acting like a boy. You need to tell him exactly what you need him to do if he isn't going to do it on his own initiative. He needs to man the f*k up or get the f*k out.

Text your DH and ask him if going to the gym more important to him than his wife and son. He needs to be told that his life has to change now that he is a father.

I know you don't want to bother his mother due to her illness but I'm sure she wants the best start in life for her grandchild with both his parents being emotionally and practically involved with his care. Try talking to her and your HCPs. You need the right support to recover from the birth injuries.

You deserve so much better than this.

Jesus. My ex was cheating on me whilst he was on paternity leave and even he did his fair share of things with our son. That says a lot imo!

Very possibly Asperger's but FAR MORE LIKELY he's just a selfish bastard.

I think it is very rare for a man who is selfish before kids to become less selfish after kids. Indeed the likelihood of them becoming even more selfish, and leaving all the child/house stuff to their partner is all too common. It is played out here time and time again.

OP it will all get better as you recover physically, i always found that for the first few weeks with a new baby I cared about nothing outside the 4 walls of the house.
Please don't listen to all these bitter mumsnetters saying leave him. I think he's behaving like he is because he is traumatised, feeling helpless and very guilty at how the birth has affected you and desperately worried. The media paints a totally false picture of life with a new baby , unless you are famous and have a full time/night nanny.
On a practical note, I second what campion advises, find someone to talk to him on your behalf, GP, midwife, health visitor, his mum, anyone. Maybe give him a list of tasks - do the washing, clean the floor and when you're tired or need a shower just give him the baby, ask him not to disturb you for an hour or two and leave the room.

This is wrong in so many ways

His behaviour made me miserable for children's early years

My situation was quite different from the OPs, in that I had already left before I found out I was pregnant, but I always knew that if I had stayed with such a lazy, selfish and sexist man, he would have plighted my enjoyment of my baby.

3-4 hours in gym Is he a competing bodybuilder?
That's a really long time at the gym. Hes a father now - he needs to reassess hi life entirely.

OP I don't know if this applies to you, but I was a very nice partner too who accepted all kids of assholery from XP because I refused to believe he would be the kind of person who would actually be such an arse to someone he loved. It must be because of XYZ, not because he was thoughtless, cruel, selfish and uncaring.

Indeed he was. I can't believe how long it took me to wake up and see who he really was. Still shocked about that!

If he has to excercise that much you can get pushchairs designed for running with. Would save on gym membership, get the baby some fresh air and give you time to yourself.

Sweetheart, please don't make excuses for him. He's a father, not a single man. And he is supposed to be the one person in the world who looks after you, protects you and helps you. Is he doing any of that? He's not showing you any human decency here, and I'm struggling to see how a man that is supposed to love you can be acting like this. I hate to say this, but I think he needs a bit of a reality check here. You need to say how unhappy you are and that he's ruining your baby's early days with his selfishness and it can't carry on. He either shapes up or he ships out. And mean it. You deserve better, lovely, and so does your little baby. I hope things get better for you .

I see so many threads like this of people's male OHs just not meeting expectations.
Honestly, in my experience JUST TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO DO. You can hint and say things like 'oh i wish...' all you like, but until you say 'I need you to do this for me, so I can do this' he probably won't listen.
I started doing this to my OH after moving in with him and he just wouldn't take initiative with housework - we are so much happier now that I lay out my expectations and he knows exactly what I think he should do. It's always up for discussion and compromise, but he'd rather a bossy girlfriend than a passive-aggressive miserable one.

Please don't listen to all these bitter mumsnetters saying leave him. I think he's behaving like he is because he is traumatised, feeling helpless and very guilty at how the birth has affected you and desperately worried.

Are you for real?

He is traumatised?! - The OP gave birth not her DH, who albeit unfortunately never made it to the birth so never witnessed what the OP went through! I think the OP has the right to be traumatised, her husband doesn't!

Feeling helpless, guilty and desperately worried?! So he shows that by fucking off to the gym every day for 3-4 hours, allows his DW to sleep on the sofa whilst he sleeps in the bed, allows his DW to remain sleep deprived whilst he has lie-ins despite her pleas for help, doesn't even take care of the baby for long enough so she can take a bath and make sure she looks after her stitches etc!

Fuck me I'm glad my DH wasn't traumatised, felt guilty or worried!

Please please show him this thread OP

Parker231
Why did he miss the birth - was he not with you when you were in labour?

He was probably at the gym.