To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

It's funny too, I mentioned the sofa and heating argument to OH yesterday in passing and he got really huffy. As if it hadn't been him being do selfish and it was on some way unfair of me to mention it! Seriously why do we let them get away with murder? Why.do they allow us to? I don't know if I'm just having a bad day with the no sleep, but imsuddenly raging for the OP and a little bit for myself...

'I want to get to the bottom of what's going on with him, I do hope it's not just that he is a completely selfish man and I've been blind to it all these years. '

But you have, by your own admission, you've said he has 'selfish tendencies'. This is not going to get better, OP. He's your best friend? He treats you the way most people wouldn't treat a dog.

Could he have some form of post natal depression perhaps? How long was your labour? Why didn't he have chance to get there? Does he have any close friends with babies who could maybe also have a word?

Why post that Diego? It's a stupid , pointless question

You're right, I apologise. It's just frustrating to read thread after thread each day by women who are married to/having kids with really horrible men, and then wondering why they're unhappy.

Mumsnetters, you deserve better. OP, you should demand better.

Copy and paste your OP and email it to him as a letter. He needs to know how he is behaving.

My DH was very similar at the start. He had good intentions but no idea about actually following through. Eventually came to a head and he got an almightly bollocking and he was much better after that. I gave him specific jobs to do as he said he just didn't know what to do and felt out of his comfort zone with a small baby (only child, no cousins so no experience at all).

Could you sit down and work out a timetable of jobs? I know it sounds a bit like living with housemates but it worked for me. My DH liked doing bathtime and that was 'his' job. He would also let me sleep in one day at the weekend (we got one sleep in each). He had other jobs but can't remember now as dd is 11 now!

My DH wasn't trying to be a dickhead, he just hadn't really thought it through so needed it spelling out.
Should note - even if he does improve he may still need it spelling out again at times like when you go back to work as some men just don't understand parental responsibilities!

Set your standards now, otherwise it will just get worse.

It's interesting to note the OP points out he doesn't have friends. Why not? Hmm.

Mine did this. It is the main reason we only had one child.
I echo others, LTB. He is showing you the person he really is.

Tell him you are thinking of moving to America with your mum and the baby as you can’t contemplate going on like this with no support.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Congratulations on the baby, sounds like you are doing a great job.

My DH wasn't even a tenth as bad as yours when we first became parents, and after a few weeks I was fuming with him and ready to walk out. He wanted children more than me initially (also together for 7-8 years before) and I made it clear before I fell pregnant I would do 50% of nights, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school stuff etc and not one iota more. Well, talk was cheap and in the early days I was too exhausted to protest and became a door mat. He went off to play football, he played with his new camera, new computer etc. Meanwhile I didn't have time to brush my teeth or make a cup of tea. No sleep. No chance to heal and recover and actually enjoy my baby. It was like having two bloody kids.
I had the biggest go of my life with him after a while. I was ice cold, just laid it out for him what the consequences would be if he didn't change. And I meant it, I was totally ready to walk. A big part of my love for him died then, that's the sad truth. I'm still incredibly hurt 8 years later that I had to spell it out for him; drag him more or less kicking and screaming into being a responsible parent and partner.

Nobody who hasn't spent 8 hours alone with a baby will ever know what it's really like. I suggest you make him do that. If he doesn't start appreciating you and doing his f*cking duty after that I think you should leave him.

Diego - it's nice, and rare, to see a poster come back and apologise. I do feel the same as you though when posters go on to have another DC or more with a selfish DP/DH - I do have to sit on my hands on those occasions.

OP I hope your text helps - I found when DS was young that I got emotional when speaking to DH so I didn't get my point across properly - and then the minute I cried he felt he'd won the argument (although he was nowhere near as bad as your DH and to be fair in the end did 50% of night duty), so emails actually helped me to communicate a lot more clearly.

I'm probably going to get hounded for saying this, so I just want to put it out there.In your circumstances where you've had a really hard birth, and I know from experience just how hard mixed feeding can be, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to give up on breastfeeding. It would mean you could quite literally close the door of the bedroom, lock it so he can't get in, put in some earplugs and leave him to it for a full night.

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I repeating someone else but I had a very similar situation and 13 years later still do. I cannot leave the children with my husband, they are better off looking after themselves. He is totally selfish. I thought like another poster has already mentioned that it was because I breast fed and he had to get up for work when they were little, so my job was to look after the children. But I have never been able to confidently go out in the evening, spend an afternoon shopping on the weekend or perish the thought a night away. We both work and I do everything. So I would say get out of that relationship fast. Go to America with your mum, he will find it hard to get your baby back from there. You can have a nice life with someone who wants to have a family WITH you.

OP - why are you so concerned about him???!!!
He's as healthy as a horse! You're the one suffering. I'm really concerned that you're all about him and his needs, with so little priority placed on you, and your physical, psychological trauma and the welfare of your baby... These can be the hallmarks of a person on the bad end of an emotionally abusive relationship (not saying they are though). Good luck 🍀

I agree with others that you have to be really, really clear with him.

• I'm shattered. I need to sleep do you need to take care of the baby downstairs. Do you know where the bottles are? And the nappies? Great please don't wake me to ask me anything unless you think she's dying. She cries with me so if she cries with you, just try everything like I do. I'm setting my alarm for x time.
• Could you tidy up, put a wash on, dust and Hoover please and hang out the washing when it's finished. The state of the house is getting me down.
• Please don't go to the gym today, I really need your help.

Yes to seeing if your Health Visitor is prepared to talk to you both.

Okay, time out! People who suggest the OP go to America with her mother, you do realise that unless she's a US citizen she can't just move there and there's the other small issue that the baby can't, either, needs a passport to travel and if the husband says no, a mother cannot remove the child to America. There's a reciprocal treaty in place between them and the UK regarding child custody.

Basically, I don't want to sound like I'm masking excuses, but I think many (most) men just have NO idea when it comes to small babies

I had no fucking idea either but just had to get on with it!! OP I honestly don’t think I could ever forgive this behaviour. Babies and parenthood are hard work, and one needs to suppress your own wants for a lot of the time. Sounds like he’s not doing that even for a second.

I had a traumatic birth experience with DD1 some 22 years ago. My DH was horrified watching it, and was as helpful and supportive as possible afterwards. He fed DD sometimes, changed some nappies and did make most of the drinks and food. OK, we lived on sandwiches for weeks, and cups of tea, but I didn't really care about that. He was there and willing, and I got some breaks.

If my DH had been as selfish and fuckwitted as yours is being then I really don't like to think what might have happened.

You need to lay it on the line here. If your SPD is now less of an issue then see how you go getting back into bed. If you are comfortable there then you stay, with the baby. Your DH has no right to force you out, and do not let him if he tries. If he can't hack it with you and the baby in the same room then he can go elsewhere.

Why wasn't he with you during your labour? I'll hazard a guess that he went to the gym and got back late. I hope that isn't the case though, as it would be selfishness in a league of its own.

Oh, and remind him that your child has two parents, of whom he is one.

He needs to step up and start doing much more. Going to the gym is not parenting.

He's been going to the gym like this the entire time they've been together and has already told her he will not stop, despite her asking.

I've posted upthread already but just had another thought...

Instead of asking him start telling him! For example when he's enjoying one of his lie-ins and you've already been up for a few hours, run yourself a bath, make him a cup of tea and take it in to him and wake him up (bear with me this is going somewhere!), then go and turn your bath off, pick up baby and take baby in to him and tell DH "I'm getting in the bath, baby is all yours for the next half an hour" and walk away and get in your bath! If he calls you or says he needs you simply reply with "I'm in the bath".

Same with going to bed, tell him you need a proper nights sleep you've had enough of being on the sofa, you're in this together and it's his turn, and go to bed about 8pm so you're in bed before him.

Wow, I feel really bad for you. I totally understand how you're feeling, such desperation when you need all the help you can get and the person who should give it not willing to do it.
Sounds to me like he needs a wake up call.
Is there anywhere where you can stay for a few nights with your DS?
Having to do it all by yourself is easier when there isn't someone in the house who is supposed to help you but won't.
And ofcourse, go out for yourself too and let him take care of HIS DS.
Can you spend an afternoon at a friend or something?

Good point expat where are your friends? Has he made himself your only friend? Because that ain't healthy either...it's controlling/abusive to isolate another. Did you have friends before your married?

How awful OP. I really hope he gets his head out of his arse.

He doesn't realise that he stands to lose too.. either in a loveless marriage where you focus on your child as you've lost all respect for him.

Or you leave him full stop.

Not to mention missing out on a meaningful relationship with his son. Who could respect a dad like that.

Let us know how the txt goes. Hoping for a good response for you. Also hope you have real life support - his mum is out but are there any other relatives/friends who can support you?

(most) men have NO idea when it comes to small babies

This is absolutely true - and nor do most women, at the point of giving birth to their first child

But women are expected to learn pronto, despite all the disadvantages of being exhausted, injured, bleeding and hormonal at the time when they're learning. If a man was in that state, he would expect to take to his bed while his partner picked up all the slack!

He needs a fucking slap