To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

I cant believe there are people on here saying he might be traumatised - my DH was at the business end and still cant talk about the birth apart from 'horrific' - he did everything I could/did for his child save whacking a boob out. Gym and napping whilst you struggle is not on.

I agree with those saying get someone to talk to him.

WhatWouldGenghisD - agree with you 100% I had no idea and we learned together

What a totally selfish, self-centred arse!!!! I simply can not imagine how utterly dreadful you must be feeling right now.
You need to spell it out to him LOUD AND CLEAR!
It doesn't sound like his selfish little life has changed one bit.
Arsewipe

He might be traumatized tick

He might have PND tick

He might have Asperger's ^ticWhat absolute bollocks

I don't believe he is "exercising" at the gym for 3-4 hours several times a week either.

Oops messed up the 3rd tick

You get the gist

Practical things to help you, despite no help from your do.

Get yourself a sling for the baby if you don't have one so you can stick him in it and have your hands free to make food. Get things like cereal bars etc you can just grab.

Don't change nappies in the night unless he has pooed or they are massive. They don't need them changed every time they have a bottle. Then it stops them being roused awake as much and it's quicker.

Go in the room and say here watch the baby I'm going for a shower/bath. You know how to change a nappy and feed him a bottle don't come disturb me until I come down. Repeat also for a nap.

I had to express for my first daughter as she was pre term and wouldn't latch. I know how exhausting it is. It was far more tiring than breastfeeding I found personally. I managed for four months. I look back on that time and I'm sad that so much of it was taken up by stressing myself out expressing, sterilsing, feeding, expressing. I should of just gave in sooner. If you are struggling, it's okay to go 100% bottle feeding. It doesn't make you a failure !

He's a full on prick. Check yourself into a hotel for the night.

And show him the thread

I think he's behaving like he is because he is traumatised, feeling helpless and very guilty at how the birth has affected you and desperately worried

ha ha ha. OP, I think you should leave him and send him off to hjublen - she's the woman for him.

Fair point from Anyfucker about the length of time at the gym too. Unless it is an hour's commute each way, just what is he doing there - or wherever he spends those 3 hours.

And no, OP can't move to america. But she could go and pay a visit to her mother for a month once her mother is settled back in.

Could he be undiagnosed Aspergers?

Some people are just twats. We shouldn't try and explain twattish behavior by diagnosing people with HFA/aspergers.

AnyFucker I don't believe he is either. That's where my ex supposedly was whilst I was at home with our newborn. In fact he was shagging OW. Luckily I had a gut feeling he wasn't. Checked his phone and hey presto! All the evidence in black and white!
It's loads easier doing it on your own when you're single than doing it on your own when you're in a relationship.

3-4 hours at the gym? I go to the gym most days, I have never seen anyone stay there that long (even the big bodybuilder types only stay for a hour or hour and half max). I suspect he is going somewhere else? Or just making excuses not to come home.

I slept on the sofa with my dd for the first few weeks whilst my dh sleep in the bed, let's just say he's no longer my dh.

Gottoget, a sling might not help the OP while she is still healing up. I found the weight of carrying the baby made my incontinence worse (sorry if tmi!)

OP what has he told you he does at the gym and how long does it take him to get there?

I can believe he's at the gym for a couple of hours if he has a workout, then a swim, a sauna or steam etc...and then takes his time in the shower, gets dressed etc...I would be fuming to think he's pampering himself and taking his time rather than helping you and giving you time to pamper yourself, YOU deserve it he doesn't!

Please don't listen to all these bitter mumsnetters saying leave him. I think he's behaving like he is because he is traumatised, feeling helpless and very guilty at how the birth has affected you and desperately worried.

Bollocks.

And the same to any mention of Aspergers.

I'm sorry OP. He's not your best friend. Mere acquaintances would treat you better than this.

Can your mother say something? Or your health visitor? Does Home Start still exist? You are, in effect, a single parent. If he carries on without listening or changing, you'd best make that a reality because you can't carry on with such a selfish, horrible man-child.

I was really taken aback by your OP and pretty unimpressed. Reading through the thread I think the 3-4 hours of gym time that have always been set in stone may be an indicator that your DH is not NT, if this is every day it is not usual. Your DH needs to understand that with a small baby there simply isn't the time for this particularly at the start. I think sitting down going through all the tasks, the time they take and the support that you both need and deserve may help, draw up a clear timetable and responsibilities. Of course you shouldn't have to do this and your DH as a grown man should realise that you need time to shower and to rest but as he doesn't you need to spell this out clearly and simply for him. He will have to be flexible, my DH had a jogging pushchair for our pair and he found running around with them good excerise.

Go back with your mum to the States. Honestly he needs a boot up the backside and a reality check.
If you can go back with your mum for a holiday then do it. And make it clear it's because he has let you down in every way possible.
I understand why you're grasping for reasons he's like this because it's just too painful to consider that he can be this selfish. But don't delude yourself about what he is doing.
He's telling you the gym is more important than your health, facing his responsibilities and having a bond with his DC.

I also don't believe it's aspergers or any 'condition'. Having a baby puts such a different perspective on a relationship. It thrusts men in to a situation where they really do have to put their DW (or DP) first and look after their needs before their own, even if it's just for a few months. It really does sort the men from the boys. Unless you've been unfortunate enough to experience a really debilitating illness you've probably never had to lean on your DH or ask for help like you do when you've had a baby and unfortunately if you are with a selfish arse it does seem to bring this in to the open.

It's also interesting how many respondents are suggesting that op asks other women (her mum, his mum, cleaners yes most often women etc) to step up in his place

Fair comment of course. But only if she leaves him. If I were one of those women I would be thoroughly pissed off at doing what is his responsibility while he strokes his biceps (or whatever) at the "gym" then coming home to a clean house courtesy of appeasing females

I am so sad for you OP. I'm worried that in trying to reconcile his behaviour with the lovely man you think he is, you'll keep make excuses and allowances for him while completely ignoring your own needs.

Why do you think he is 'loving'? How is it a 'great relationship'? It takes no effort to say nice things and call you beautiful. A loving partner would not ignore your distress, your needs, your birth injuries. A loving partner demonstrates that with their actions, their consideration of your needs, their sacrifice of their own time/sleep/activities. So he might be traumatised - you definitely are! And even in your exhausted injured state, you're trying to consider him. He's not bothering to do that for you. This should be the time when you are most supported and treated with care - as a real loving partner in a great relationship would do. You deserve so much better than this.

I feel for you. I had an awful 36hr labour, requiring forceps & episiotomy and a massive blood loss requiring theatre to remove placenta once baby was born. I was so bruised and sore. My DH was brilliant and waited on me and and foot whilst he was off and came home every lunch time for the first few months. He also loved playing squash and going for a run - he hasn't had a game of squash for 10 months now but will go for a run and has got into cycling now that things are easier. He understands he can't play squash of an evening because I need help with the baby, he's been totally accepting of it. Your DH needs to put on his big boy pants and start acting like a father and DH. I hope things work out for you and please speak to your HV about your blues

Oh my fucking god. He is negligent! You'd be better off without him. He probably causes more work than help. You've tried telling him, crying at him and he's not changing. I'm so sorry, it must be so hard for you. I don't what to suggest you do. Can you get one of your family members to have a word (as you said his mum is ill etc.)?

Go to America with your mum!!!

Right so he's useless (a lot worse than useless actually) so he's going to need TELLING what you need. Not asking. Not suggesting. Telling. Accept that you will probably fall out and he will be narky. Tough shit. You are in the right here.

He needs to take your baby for defined periods, no bringing baby to you during that time. He handles all feeds or poo emergencies. Go out if you think he won't take it seriously.
Showers and bathing are important for your wounds, recovery and general self care. He looks after baby for this time every day on top of above.
Reclaim your bed and take the Moses basket with you.
He cooks and cleans at least an equal amount to you.
And yes he needs to either sleep a lot less or go to the gym less - it's either or.

Fucking hell I'm fuming for you. Fuck the stress he's under, trauma or whatever. He's no right to claim that in these circumstances- he's got off lightly.
And no don't show him the thread - he'll claim we all hate men. We only hate men that duck out of parenting and supporting their partners.