To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

I absolutely agree with PoorYorick

I still haven’t worked out when he’s going to have time to go to the gym? He works full time, has a baby to co-parent and at the moment should be doing the majority of housework/shopping?

I don’t see that anything has changed?

The fact is when you have a child your life changes dramatically. His life has barely changed and that is the crux here.

his life needs to change and if it doesn't you will drown in your own resentment

Gym for four hours?!? That's excessive by any stretch of the imagination. He must look like a gladiator

Oh & don't accept any of this 'I'm working I need a full night's sleep' rubbish either.

Looking after a newborn whilst healing is harder. You both need to take it in turns with sleeping. Ie. You each have a lie-in at the weekend whilst the other takes the baby out ( we used to do this, it was lovely having a good sleep on a Sunday morning)

Bullshit. “I’m not a mind reader”

In your own words when you did ask him for help or cried, he “got narky”, “huffy”, “brushed it off”, “He got immediately very defensive and quite angry”. You’ve already told him what you need. But now he’s trying to say you haven’t. It’s all your fault. He’s not a spoiled selfish baby.

And you’re worried you’re a “nag”. But the problem is he’s now put the responsibility of him behaving like a decent human being, partner and father, squarely on you. You’ve to tell him what to do (he can’t tell, you see). But when you do, you’re made to feel like a nag. (The word nag is telling in itself. It’s only used when a woman asks a man to pull his weight.)

So how do you win?

GoldfishCrackers she can't win.

My serious realistic advice for the OP would be to get through this period as best as possible. Then do NOT have anymore children with this man.

This won't improve

So he's still planning to go to the gym? Tell him that gym visits need to stop completely until 1) you are fully recovered and 2) your baby is sleeping for at least 4 or 5 hours at night.

You are also 'not a mind reader' as you expected him to be a decent husband and father. He sounds extremely selfish.

OP, whatever you do, please don't have another child with this man.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better op and that you got the response you wanted. I lived with a man who was an awful lot like your husband and my gut feeling is that these changes won't last, and he won't get any better in the long term. However, I agree with pp's on here who have said you need to concentrate on getting better and on your baby, and just your put a pin in your marriage for now. Deal with it once you're feeling stronger, but do deal with it. Don't fall into the trap of minimising his behaviour again. Best of luck

Echoing what others have said please dont have another child with this man...................i have a nasty feeling that he will want more children though. These kinds of men always do.

As I've said I think this man is vile. Had he been surportive and nice I think the gym would be fine for an hour wtf is he doing for 4 hours!!! Who is he vin diesel?

I'm glad to read your DH has stepped up a bit.
I thought of this article I read some time ago, which also applies on having a baby. It seems like you both need a change of mindset, he shouldn't be helping you as the baby is just as much his. Anyhow, here's the article:

"A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat and talked about life. At some point in the conversation, I said, “I’m going to wash the dishes and I’ll be right back.”

He looked at me as if I had told him I was going to build a space rocket. Then he said to me with admiration but a little perplexed: “I’m glad you help your wife, I do not help because when I do, my wife does not praise me. Last week I washed the floor and no thanks.”

I went back to sit with him and explained that I did not “help” my wife. Actually, my wife does not need help, she needs a partner. I am a partner at home and through that society are divided functions, but it is not a “help” to do household chores.

I do not help my wife clean the house because I live here too and I need to clean it too.

I do not help my wife to cook because I also want to eat and I need to cook too.

I do not help my wife wash the dishes after eating because I also use those dishes.

I do not help my wife with her children because they are also my children and my job is to be a father.

I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes, because the clothes are also mine and my children.

I am not a help at home, I am part of the house. And as for praising, I asked my friend when it was the last time after his wife finished cleaning the house, washing clothes, changing bed sheets, bathing her children, cooking, organizing, etc. You said thank you

But a thank you of the type: Wow, sweetheart !!! You are fantastic!!!

Does that seem absurd to you? Are you looking strange? When you, once in a lifetime, cleaned the floor, you expected in the least, a prize of excellence with great glory … why? You never thought about that, my friend?

Maybe because for you, the macho culture has shown that everything is her job.

Perhaps you have been taught that all this must be done without having to move a finger? Then praise her as you wanted to be praised, in the same way, with the same intensity. Give her a hand, behave like a true companion, not as a guest who only comes to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs … Feel at home. In his house.

The real change of our society begins in our homes, let us teach our sons and daughters the real sense of fellowship! “

Disgusting and unacceptable. You are expecting and demanding far too little. Please don't accept this, keep spelling out to him clearly what he needs to do and that if he doesn't support you, your relationship will be over before your child's first birthday as you will grow to hate and resent him for not having your back at this massively life changing time.

Definitely take advantage of his apparent 'stepping up' while you can, because I doubt it will last. But in the meantime, you will be able to heal faster and feel better if you get some more rest and more support. You can see how you feel about the marriage once you are stronger.

I hate to sound negative but your DH sounds far too selfish to be capable of changing. I hope I’m wrong but if I’m not, the sooner you leave him, the better. Otherwise I cannot imagine the level of resentment you will feel towards him.

I could have written this post twice in the last 2 years.

OP, I fully sympathise although I was lucky to not have a tear to deal with.

He's being a shit and he knows it. You'll throw a strop and he'll say 'I'm not a mind reader, you should have told me' but you shouldn't have to tell him.

You need to be firm and assertive. Tell him that it's not on and whilst you don't begrudge him a hobby it is just that- a hobby. It is not essential and therefore needs to be done when it is convenient for everyone, not just him. You need at least one lay In a week so schedule for him a designated lay in, and yourself a designated lay in. Tell him that washing up, and something else is now his responsibility and that it's not something you're going to ask him to do. When he's not working the next day take it in turns to get up with the baby. If he's going to the gym for 2 hours make sure you have two hours to yourself without the baby.

His selfishness is not on.

Incidentally, I found steroids hidden away from my partners supps. If you notice any change in how behaviour keep an eye out

I'm wondering whose mind the OP couldn't read to figure out how to mind a baby? Who did she complain to? Did the baby lie there with a dirty nappy unfed while OP waited to be told what to do by the grown ups?

If he had said "I'm an ass, there is no excuse, things will change, I'm so sorry" fine. But "it's your fault because you didn't tell me how to behave like an adult" Fucker. Good luck OP.

So for anyone still interested...I have an update

DH appears to have bucked up his ideas. I ended up losing my shit with him and told him just what a useless c*nt he was, how I would always remember how he had treated me when I needed him most and how I had lost all respect for him.

This was just over a week ago and seems to have put a rocket up his arse somehow. That evening he ran me a bath with candles, big bar of chocolate and glass of wine with a new book he bought me and told me he was taking the baby. That night he did the first set of feeds and changes and I took over half way through the night as he had been at work all that day.

Since then I have had a daily bubble bath, DH will just take DS off me for hugs and we have alternated the feeds throughout the night. Some nights as he's still working I don't wake him and just get on with it myself to let him rest before work but that's because it's my choice to do so and I catch up on sleep the next day as and when I can.

Today he took the baby while I went and met a friend for coffee then when I was home he went to the gym for a couple of hours which I felt was fair. When he came home he washed and sterilised the bottles ready for the night shift.

He does still need to be encouraged to change nappies but he does do them when asked.

I know it's early days but I am cautiously optimistic

Oh wow! Truly wasnt expecting that OP!

Good for you for standing up for yourself and long may your DH's attitude continue.

Thats an improvement LetItRain. I hope its not just something he thinks he can do for a couple of weeks and then slide back.

And i hope he didnt just leave a dirty nappy on your DC while you were out. He shouldnt need to be asked.

Well done for losing it and telling him exactly how you were feeling. I really hope for your sake that it continues, and he doesn't gradually slip back into old habits.

I hope things continue to improve OP.

He was so far below what you might expect from a partner particularly when you were so physically injured that he has a LOT of making up to do. Don't be grateful for a below normal performance just because it's so much better than he was. Not saying he is behaving below normal now, but it's something for you to watch out for.