To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

I've never said this on Mumsnet before but seriously... LTB!!!

You're practically doing it on your own anyway, and you'd get more free time if he had the baby even just at weekends!

You're emotionally and physically fragile at the moment and he is treating you like a maid / nanny and not his partner.

I honestly don't know what you could see in him now.

Where is his mother and could you get her to talk to him? Or talk to the health visitor and get her to spell it out? Sometimes they need to hear it from an outsider.

Many men think that having babies is just something women "do". Get the health visitor to tell him you are heading for a breakdown and see if that makes any difference.

When I was having a real low day the other week he put on the music channel and got me up and made me dance with him

That^ is the most patronising thing I've ever read. I really think you need to let him read this thread, it might open his eyes. Please, please stop putting up with this shit. You need to TELL him what you need. Tell him when he comes home that you're going for a bath/early night and he's in charge. If he tantrums, throw the useless bastard out.

God, this takes me back to the horror of my newborn DD and my severe PND and recovery from a C-section. And my DH was a million times more helpful than yours is being, but even he had switched off from DD (and tbh that switch off lasted more than a year). Severe nausea and vomiting with antibiotics and he wanted me up and feeding her in the middle of the night. Me sleeping downstairs with her and him not doing a single night wakeup for months (then conveniently forgetting that fact.) Men can be wangs. But yours is a complete dickhead.

I know it's incredibly hard when you're under such strain, but if you can voice all that here, you can voice it to him. No asking, just telling.
"I need you not to go to the gym until I've fully recovered."
"You need to change / bathe DS while I have a shower / rest / drink / snack" (delete as applicable)

NO ASKING. Don't get drawn into arguments. This is what needs doing. YOU (he) needs to do it. Period.

Where in the world are you, OP? I'd happily come and be your advocate (and look after little'un so you could have a snooze!) if we're nearby.

YY to contacting your HV. As PP have said, you're being set up for PND here. Things need to turn around.

Lenl - this is exactly what we do if there is a job to be done - one holds the baby and the other does the job - teamwork. OP your husband needs to get on board!

Firstly you should be in bed with the baby next to you and if he needs a full nights sleep he should be on the sofa. Secondly he should be waiting on you hand and foot. I know you don't feel like speaking up but you have had a traumatic birth and need to be cared for physically and emotionally.
Does he have some old fashioned notion that caring for a baby is woman's work? I think you should outline what you expect of him and be very clear. He can come home after work to make dinner and help out then go to the gym later if he is that desperate. Or go in the morning on the way to work.
It's really awful behaviour. So sorry.

What a knob. My exh was like this

I would be screaming at him and lay it on the line. Be absolutely blunt and don't worry about upsetting him. I mean wtf does he think he's playing at

nothing to add really from what the others have said. This sounds awful poor you

If you are SW I would happily come help

Why did you have a baby with such an arsehole?

I don't agree that you should LTB, although he is being a total dickhead. You need to stop being a martyr and be more direct and assertive.

You need to tell him exactly what to do and when. Not just "Please make up a bottle", but "Please make up a bottle, feed the baby, wind him and then clean the bottle afterwards". You shouldn't have to do this. In an ideal world he would know, but you at least need to give him a chance to improve his behaviour.

Make a list if it helps and go through everything that he needs to do on a daily basis. And no more napping and going to the gym FFS!

You need practical support/partnership, not platitudes.

That's not really helpful DiegoMadonna - from the OP it sounds like he was fine until the baby arrived. A lot of men don't show their true colours until under pressure.

OP - I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, but when was his DM diagnosed with cancer ?

Why post that Diego? It's a stupid , pointless question just posted to make yourself feel smug and the Op feel shit. Have a word with yourself.

I'm so sorry OP, you're doing an amazing job. Nothing further to add but I would be screaming at him right now, literally screaming until it got into his thick skull. Not mature or sensible or a good way to communicate but I'd be at my wits end.

OP I haven't even managed to make it to the end of your post, my blood is boiling!

Firstly, Congratulations on your new baby, you are doing an amazing job especially given the birth experience you have had.

Next, I'm sorry OP but your DH is a selfish, dick of a husband. How the hell you haven't kicked him out I don't know. I can only imagine it's because at the moment you're feeling very vulnerable and would rather him be around than not at all which is completely natural.

I am so shocked at his complete lack of consideration, his incredible degree of selfishness and disregard for you. One thing I can assure you is if things don't change you will grow more and more resentful as each day passes.

STOP being such a doormat! You have just had a baby, you have a wound that needs to be bathed daily and kept clean and YOU are the one nursing, looking after your baby's needs, HE should be sleeping on the sofa YOU should be in the bed.

You often read on MN about dads taking paternity leave and treating it like a holiday for them, but sodding off to the gym for 3-4 hours, having a lie-in, moaning that you want to sleep in the bed! I am shocked you would tolerate this!

He's not a single man, he's now a husband and a father! His needs do not come first! His hobbies do not come first! His fucking pampering himself does not come first!

Seriously OP, you are married to one selfish dick and if you don't change your attitude and stop accepting his behaviour then you are in for one rough ride and parenthood is going to be bloody handwork and lonely because you are flying solo my love.

I'm not having a go at you OP, I'm 100% on your side and so angry for you!

Before the baby was born he did have quite selfish tendencies mainly regarding the gym. Nothing can ever get in the way of it. It's almost like he has OCD or some sort or compulsion where he can't skip a day or go for any less than 3 or 4 hours at a time. He's been like that since I can remember.

But generally he's very loving and I thought we had such a strong bond and great relationship. We were (are?) best friends. I think that's why I am so upset too, it's come as such a shock that he can see me like this and seemingly not care.

Sadly he missed the birth through no fault of his own. He got there 4 mins after the baby was born, the hospital and level of care was horrific and they wouldn't listen to me about how far along in labour I was and they completely ignored me telling them I am going to have the baby now!!! Until it was too late. So I think that may have had an effect on him. It was traumatic for both of us (me more obviously) but he completely missed the experience of seeing his first born baby being brought into the world. I think it may have affected him more than he's letting on.

Leaving him really isn't an option, I don't want to. It's out of character for him to be acting like this and I want to get to the bottom of what's going on with him, I do hope it's not just that he is a completely selfish man and I've been blind to it all these years.

I've sent him a long text just now- think it's better he reads what I'm saying as otherwise he will be back on the defensive and arguing and butting in and my point will get totally lost. Will let u know what happens xxx

I agree with everyone else that this is unacceptable. Two practical ideas that might help:

• You should be in your bed with or without him.
• As you are formula feeding, go to bed early. 8/9pm. He does the 11pm ish feed and you do the night one so nobody has to stay up all night. This saved my sanity!

And nobody should be spending that long at the gym!

3-4 hours is waaaaay too much. It's not actually going to be of benefit, spending that much time in the gym either, especially with the lack of rest days. He could have an exercise addiction that he needs help with.

But I still don't understand how you can let your 'best friend' sleep on the sofa after a traumatic injury, and not be absolutely desperate to help out and care for them. It just doesn't compute...

I haven't read the other posts, but my partner was the same. Honestly you can do this. You can and you will prove how strong you are. Yes it's shit, but some men just can't cope with little babies. Personally I found expecting / hoping or asking for help made things worse when he didn't ( due to the disappointment) Men can get baby blues too.

My partner is much better now our " baby" is one and walking etc. And baby loves his daddy.

Personally - I'd send him your opening post in email form.

Your world has evolved - his hasn't, he is just continuing as was...

I'm sorry (mostly for you) that he wasn't at the birth but this should not affect his behaviour now. lots of men miss the birth and a couple of generations ago no fathers were present. I was adopted. Neither of my parents were at my birth and 50 years ago my father worked and my mother stayed home and they still took it every second night to get up with me when I had colic.

In fact if he was at the birth, you might be saying "well it was very traumatic, maybe that affected him". Stop trying to figure it out and look at what is actually happening instead. Basically for whatever reason, he is being selfish, unkind, unloving and really really horrible. HE needs to sort this out asap or he will not have a marriage at the end of it. I appreciate you want this to work but no woman could watch a man be this unkind and oblivious to her needs and continue with a normal relationship afterward - he is scuppering his marriage. Is the gym worth that much to him?

I do think the text was a good idea. But don't for a minute think this is entirely your responsibility.

But some men just can't cope with little babies.

what a pity these men keep reproducing.

Oh OP what a fucker. I was feeling sorry for myself this morning as OH doesn't seem to understand how sleep deprived I am - but he's a fucking saint compared to your 'D'H. Seriously you need to have a short sharp word with him. Tell him straight that you will be sleeping in the bed from now on, with baby in with you - he can either stay in and help you with night feeds (with s good grace, I might add) or piss off to the sofa.

I did the sofa martyr thing with baby for the first two weeks - it was January and OH moaned about me having the heating on at night because the noise of the water in the pipes disturbed his sleep in the bedroom!!! looking back I can't fucking BELIEVE I didn't just tell him to do one. But it's such a vulnerable time, and you don't feel like you know what you're doing, and all you want in the world is for someone to love you, take care of you and appreciate how tough it is - when you don't get that, it hurts so much, and it feels so degrading to have to spell out in words of one syllable what you need by way of support from someone who (a) is supposed to love you and love the baby you now love more than anything in the world and (b) is supposed to be a fucking equal parent

Huge hugs to you OP xxxx

Why did he miss the birth - was he not with you when you were in labour?

I think you should follow the advice you have been given by other posters. When he is not in work he needs to be at home parenting and doing the housework. The gym can wait until the baby is older. How would he cope if you went out for 3-4 hours and he didn't to care for the baby?

I hate men who don't parent their own children. They are rubbish partners and parents.

So sorry to hear about your horrible birth experience, it sounds deeply traumatic, and nobody could possibly blame you for needing time to heal both physically and mentally. I hope you're getting some help from your health visitor etc in processing everything that happened.

It must have been particularly difficult without your other half by your side, and I can understand why you would both be finding this hard to come to terms with now. Maybe not being there means he doesn't fully understand just how difficult it was for you - I don't think anyone could truly imagine unless they see firsthand, though of course that's never an excuse for lack of empathy.

As others have said, this is his time to step up to the plate. You need him, and he's not there for you, or the baby right now, and that must just be so hurtful, especially from your best friend and partner. Writing down your thoughts and feelings is a really good idea, it's cathartic and gives you both space to process things to help avoiding things escalating into an argument. I hope this does the trick and he comes to his senses soon and you manage to talk it through and improve things.

Oh, and you have my total sympathy on the pump/formula routine, I did the same with my DD (thankfully only a couple of weeks), it's gruelling. Be kind to yourself, hang in there, everything get's easier with the passing of time. Your body slowly begins to feel like one you recognise, your baby will smile at you and become a little person and sleep will come eventually (with a bit of luck and time). I hope things get better soon.