To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

I'm sorry OP but calling you beautiful doesn't make up for being a selfish prick. Tbh he's probably being so nice to you so that you carry on doing everything and he can fuck about at the gym and lie in bed.

It made me feel sad to read your post. You are doing a bloody brilliant job to be holding it all together with no help from your DH.
I think you need to be straight with him and tell him exactly what he needs to do.
I spent well over a year sleeping downstairs on the sofa with DD while husband was in the double bed upstairs, please don't end up like me! Except my DH was on his phone or computer rather than at the gym.
You shouldn't need to do any more than ask for help but I found with my DH that unneeded to give very specific instructions like "please sort the washing and put a white wash on" or whatever.
I still hold a lot of resentment from the early days and didn't have the 4tg degree tear and feeding issues to contend with. for you, you are bloody awesome.

I could not, and would not, stay with someone who cared so little about me.

OP do you have friends nearby that can help out?

He wouldn't be living there any more if he was mine. Please get rid of this nasty piece of work. You'll notice no difference in workload and you'll get your bed back! I had to stop reading before the end, my blood was boiling on your behalf.

It sounds like he isn't coping well with the reality of having a baby and is dealing with it by escaping. I agree with a PP, instead of telling him you are tired tell him you need a nap for a set time, instead of saying you feel dirty tell him you need a shower and he needs to hold the baby. I also think he is behaving like a dick but if he is your support network at the moment it is worth working on him to hopefully make him better.

it is worth working on him to hopefully make him better.

Yeah cause that is what every woman with a fourth degree tear and a newborn needs - a new big project of changing a grown man into a decent person.

Not having a go at you Ellie it is probably good advice but jesus this drives me crazy - instead of actually being a help, this man is just another tick on the poor woman's already brutal to-do list. I just couldn't imagine every wanting sex with him again if I were OP.

The thing is OP you can and probably will muddle through, heal up eventually, baby will start to sleep through, maybe later rather than sooner but they will and everything will be easier again.

However what won't change is the resentment you will feel towards your dh, that he could sit back and watch you suffer like this without even trying to help. You will get stronger back to your old self and be angry at yourself for standing for it.

This will be the end of you as a couple whether you leave him now or in two years unless you can get him to change his behaviour.

YANBU OP.
Sorry but he sounds like a total callous waste of space.

Order a firmer mattress. You can get excellent ones like eve/Caspar etc on interest free for 12 months.

Then go back to bed with your baby.

Order an online shop of easy foods that you can keep by your bedside.

Put the Moses basket on the bathroom floor once per day and have a bath/shower.

Call your best friend, mother, sister, whoever and ask them to come around and clean the house. Whilst they are there show them this thread and ask if they would be able to give you a few hours here and there to help.

Once you feel well you can think about next moves with your baby's father.

I think mindutopia's point that he's either selfish or not coping is important. I am very lucky to have a wonderful DH but after the birth of our first child I remember feeling surprisingly alone and that we 'weren't really in it together'. My DH helped lots when he was there but he also threw himself into work. Years later we talked about it and he got upset and said that he'd found that time very difficult. I had a postpartum haemorrhage and he probably experienced some mild post traumatic stress. I'm not saying this is your DH but it's worth keeping in mind if he says he's going to the gym because he's stressed.

This aside though, you do need help. Could you be more assertive about what you need? e.g. 'when you get home from work I'll have a bath and you can take DS for a walk'. Could you say 'I realise you need to go to the gym sometimes to destress but I also need to find time to relax and rest. How can we make this work better together?' Does he have any dad friends who might give him another perspective? Do you have any family who could help as well?

Your OP really upset me.

I seriously want to come to your place, tidy up for you, make you some food and let you shower/nap. I think a lot of people reading this thread would.

His behaviour is appalling. Sweet talk is cheap, and I'd be offended that he thinks he can win you over with a few words and then fuck off back to the gym.

Make him read this thread. Make him see he is a horrible selfish bastard and its not just you saying that. He is a fathrr he needs to step up.

Christ almighty, this thread is making me so angry.

You've had some good advice so far, OP.

"Dear" husband needs to shape up fast, or fuck off.

You sound like an amazing mum and your baby is so lucky to have you.

Not having a go at you Ellie it is probably good advice but jesus this drives me crazy - instead of actually being a help, this man is just another tick on the poor woman's already brutal to-do list. I just couldn't imagine every wanting sex with him again if I were OP.

Absolutely this. You can't stick flowers into an arsehole and call him a vase

When husbands have been this bad, and it's not uncommon unfortunately OP, even when things get better and mums feel stronger and better able to cope, they never forgive their husbands for letting them down so badly when they desperately needed them. I'd find it impossible to forgive how he has behaved these weeks.

Sending you big hugs. Do not be shy asking for help from Parents/Friends, but ultimately it should be your husband who is being most supportive. Birth is traumatic enough when it goes well and its sounds to me like you've had a really rough time. I really hope he gives you the support you deserve and need; he seriously needs to rethink his priorities.

Not read all replies on this yet, but this made me want to barf:

He is very sweet to me with the things he says. When I was having a real low day the other week he put on the music channel and got me up and made me dance with him.

FUCK THAT!!!!!! Get the useless cunt to actually step up and offer some actual proper help..it's HIS child too..Jesus wept. What use is soppily dancing with you..does he then pop back out to the gym when the song is finished??

Sorry OP..I know I'm being harsh but you sound at the end of your tether. I had nasty tears with my first child too and remember all too well the physical pain as well as the mental anguish (I had PND). If my partner had been a massively useless selfish bastard, I don;t know what I would have done.

As some other people have said - fun adult activities stop - where they have to be done out of the house. Our first proper day out was a wedding when LO was 8 weeks and my parents looked after LO for 2 nights - bliss! (Although the expressing was a nightmare!)

OP for you, I'm sorry your husband isn't stepping up to help. You are going to have to get tough. What time is he due home tonight? I would hand him the baby as soon as he gets in and go and have a bath.
What worked for use in the early days was that I would go to bed around 9pm my DH would do the late feed around 11pm I would then get up overnight and since DH was getting up for work he would feed DC around 6-7 am usually I would be awake anyway so I had chance to shower.

Yes of course he is, but you have to be very clear about what you want from him and demand it.

"i could do with a bath" - no, "please will you run me a bath?".

lots of men don't get hits or cant cope and so avoid helping - you need to be really clear with him about what the requirements are from him as a father. try to do it without getting upset (I know its hard).

think if him as a private and you as his commanding officer, and dont wait around or get resentful of him not volunteering - its fruitless.

He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

And where the fuck is your release?
He is a selfish entitled dickhead.

At first I thought maybe he's hands off because the birth scared him.

But no. He hasn't thought about you or the baby once. He didn't say those things to be nice. He said them to appease you and to shut you up. You need to two card him. He either ships up and sorts his shit out. Or he packs up his shit and GTfO because seriously OP what does he do for you? Solely for you? That doesn't benefit him at all accept for making the woman he loves life a bit easier?

FFS. Your husband is a shit. My DH used to come straight home from work and send me for a nap for MONTHS. And when I woke up he'd make us dinner and then stay up with me til 11pm when the baby went down for the night. And then he'd get up at 5.30 every morning when the baby woke up for the day because I'd been up at least 4 times through the night and he wanted to make sure I got a bit of undisturbed sleep. That's what good dads and husbands do. Not piss about going to the bloody gym! You need to ask him when the hell he expects to start parenting his child

How awful for you. He is being a total and utter bastard.

With both my babies my DP had this weird energy after. A sense that he bloody well would carry on with life the same as normal to the point he did his own stuff even more than he did before. He was nowhere near as bad as your DH though, he did plenty with both of them, nappies and cuddles etc but I did have to be really quite direct and tell him what he needed to do and give him the baby. E.g. "I need a shower. Here you go" and pass the baby to him and go straight up. I think he was scared the first time, didn't know what to do and me just making him do it built his confidence and within a few weeks he was the normal person I knew.

I was surprised when he was similar with number two, but this time it was fear of dealing with two kids at once (our first is only 2) so again I was very direct and clear in what I needed. Our second is now 3 months and all is good.

I am not excusing your DHs behaviour, he really needs to step up, but I suspect he is scared. My first labour was very difficult and long with a third degree tear and it was quite traumatic for DP, which I think contributed. Perhaps he's quite shaken by your birth. It's not ok and it's not fair - you've been through worse and you've had to just get on with it. But I do think it's worth telling rather than asking. If he's laying in, take baby in and say you need a shower, and give him the baby. Your baby will be fine for 15 or 20 mins with him and it'll force him not to be a dickhead. Say that the kitchen sides need to be wiped down, does he want to do it or does he want to hold the baby while you do? Be clear.

I think saying to ltb isn't really useful. I wouldn't have the strength to do that with a few week old baby and awful tears. But you probably do need to be more assertive. It is possible for men to experience depression after a baby arrives, and also a suffer stress from the trauma of powerlessly watching their partner. Perhaps he needs to see his GP.

Sorry you're experiencing this

I feel so sorry for you and alsomfor your baby. He's going to wonder who this big thing is that pops in and out of his room once in a while and then comes the huge hero once baby is bigger and no longer needs hourly feeds and changes and is fun with a football.

This needs to stop today otherwise baby blues are going to seem like nothing.

If you're near me I will help you.

I think you need to spell it out for him, including the health risks for you of not being able to recover properly. Maybe say that if he cannot look after his child and his home properly on an everyday basis, perhaps it would help him to have scheduled times when he has full responsibility for all of the above. Say that he needs to come up with a timetable that allows him to be at home more to fulfil his reponsibilities there, but that also allows you equal leisure time. For every hour he has at the gym, you have an hour to yourself. Ideally more initially since you are unwell. Get him out of his denial. Make it clear he is failing in a disgraceful way, and that you may not be able to forgive him. If he doesn't step up right now, he could be destroying his marriage right here.