To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

Ok, in the short term, can you afford to buy in some extra help? Cleaner for the house, au pair to hold the baby whilst you shower, online shop for some nice ready meals so you can eat?

Long term - make plans to leave. This man does not love or respect you, your body is healing and sore from birthing his child and he still does not give enough of a fuck. Get your ducks in a row

Oh, come on. I cannot believe anyone is making excuses for this man.

He can let his wife have a lie in when she is obviously exhausted. He can get off his lazy arse and clean the house. He can stick the baby in a pram and take it for a walk and give his wife a break. It's not rocket science. He obviously just doesn't see these things as being his responsibility and that is awful.

What a selfish . 4 hours at the gym?!?!? Cleaning is exercise too!

Go with your mother!! :)

Exactly shadow. I'm not an L.P. but a divorced parent (partly because of behaviour not too unlike the OP is describing - I didn't have the horrific injuries to myself that the OP has but a very sick baby who would feed the entire night -shes now 9 and fine so detailing in to that topic ).

Last night after I'd finally got the kids to bed I sat up working til 1 on my paid job. Then I got woken by little one at 3.30 (I was fool enough to have a second with him) and was awake for a bit and then up for work a 6.30.

You just do cope. Being a bit tired at work is not so terrible. Especially for someone like the OP's H who would probably get a rest the next night anyway.

I mentioned my ex was similarly checked out during our 24 hour waking DC1 (she slept while being pushed in a buggy). It was so galling because I knew that before baby he had frequently gone to work after sitting up late working or going out drinking - as we all did, he and I had same job at the time. Now suddenly he would be "sued for negligence" if he didn't get his full 8 hours.

On his next day off leave him with the baby for the day. Go out anywhere and leave him to it.

This, but don't go just anywhere. Go to a nice hotel with a fancy shower and a nice bed.

Your husband is being a complete shit. He needs a reckoning and if it continues like this you need to leave.

Can you go and be with your mother for a while? Is that possible?

From a very practical point of view surely it doesn't do you any good to not be able to shower or wash when you have such a painful and new injury? He should be able to see that you need help with that practicality if nothing else. He is a selfish twat

I second what someone else has said - can you print this off and show him the reactions.

I know it's really early days etc, but his behaviour is seriously awful.
Yes - you are not working - but you have just gone through a really serious experience. How he can not see that and step up to the plate is truly beyond me - where do these men come from???

Yes it needs to be a hotel you go to, or what's the point?

I also agree in the short term that cleaner and some kind of mother's help. Or a night nanny. They are expensive but needs must! Even if only for a couple of nights.

He might say nice things but talk is cheap/actions speak louder than words etc.

Sit him down and tell him that the current situation is unacceptable and must change. If he is insistent on still going to the gym as much as ever then fine, but you get the same amount of time to yourself: if he spends an hour there before work each day then you get an hour when he gets home. You can have a nice bath, sleep, read, go for a walk etc but whatever you do it is your time and you are not to be disturbed. If he protests calmly ask him exactly why he thinks he is entitled to an hour to himself but you cant have the same. If he says he is stressed, say 'so am I'. If he pulls the 'but I go to work' crap say 'so do I, I am doing full time childcare'. Do not let him belittle you.

In terms of nights tell him you will do night waking while he works, i.e. Sunday night - Thursday night and early morning Monday to Friday but he must do the night waking Friday and Saturday night and early mornings Saturday and Sunday.

Work out a fair way to split the cleaning/household chores and tell him that's what is happening.

If he whinges about any of it just keep repeating that you both became parents when DS was born and if he won't pull his weight you will have to give serious thought to the future of your relationship. And mean it.

Those paid for things shouldnt be necessary if habeas pulling his weight. But if he refuses to do that then he has to pay for the help!

Father of 3 here, including twins. Echo what pretty much everybody else on this thread has said already, and OP, you can tell him from me to start acting like a grownup, roll his sleeves up and get on with it. No excuse whatsoever for this dereliction of duty as a parent, under any circumstances, and no amount of "babes you're doing such a GREAT job" will make up for that. And as for all this "oh but I'm stressed and it's my only release" - fuck off. You're a dad now. You have other priorities.

Grrrrrr. Sorry.

My ex (many years ago) was similar after the birth of our DS after 3 years together. He had always been selfish but he dramatically changed after the birth of our DS, he really resented not being the main focus of my attention.
Luckily I had no lingering health problems after the birth, but my (notD)P did nothing for his son at all, as well as acting as a complete TWAT in every way possible. Luckily it was my flat so I kicked him out when our son was 3 months old.
It was honestly easier being a single parent and having to do everything myself ( with a little help from my family - his couldn't care less) rather than living with someone and begging them to help and the awful upset when they did nothing and just watched you struggle.
I never asked him for any child support (long story for another time) and he never saw his DS from the age of 6 months til he was 14 ( my ex's choice not mine).
By not helping when our DS was born he was really showing me that he had no feelings for either me or heartbreakingly for his DS either.
I never regretted LTB and met my now husband when my DS was 3 years old, we have since had a DS together and he is a totally hands-on dad.

scrommidge I forget dads like you exist.
Can I send you to DDs dads house?

It sounds like he is either selfish or he is truly not coping and avoidance is his coping strategy. Or a bit of both. Having a baby is a life changing experience. It turns everything upside down. It sounds like his way of dealing with that is to carry on as if nothing has changed. But everything has changed. And his lifestyle and life choices need to reflect that, just like yours do.

When our daughter was born, we had no semblance of normal life. We didn't see friends for months. We existed in this no separation of night and day state and just got through it all. But we survived it because we did it together. I think you need to have a really serious talk with him about what's normal and what isn't. His behaviour isn't normal. He either needs to change it or he needs to get some psychological help if he is depressed and can't cope, so that he then can change it.

To give you an idea, when our dd was born, my husband was home for the better part of 4 weeks (2 weeks paternity leave, a week of annual leave, and then some unpaid leave because I got really sick with mastitis and literally couldn't care for our daughter myself, so he took some extra time off). During that time, if I wasn't feeding her (also had a lot of bf issues), he was holding her so I could get a break or express or sleep. We did the nights in shifts. He took her 7pm-1am, with a break for a feed around 10pm when he brought her up to me (he'd sit down in the lounge and watch tv while I slept in the bedroom). Then we'd switch and I'd be up with her from 1am until the morning. She literally wouldn't sleep without being held. We did that the first 6 weeks. Then she would sleep next to me without physically being held. He still had her from the moment he got home from work until bedtime since I'd been with her all day. He held her or wore her in a wrap if he needed to be hands free. He did bath time every night (and still does, our daughter is nearly 5 now). He was up every night feed helping me (changing her, holding her, getting a bottle once we switched to bottles, etc.) until she stopped her night feeds at 9 months. He was working full time plus also working evenings to start our business, so working like 50+ hours a week. They really can function quite well on little sleep just like we can! When we needed to, we just went to bed early to get caught up on sleep.

There was no gym, no fun activities away from home in the first few months. After that, he started to eventually have some time to carve out to see friends or for a night away for a friend's birthday or something. But that comes in time. In the early days, it's just about surviving and getting through everything until it gets easier. You need his help and he owes it to you to be there and I think you need to tell him this very directly. Because this isn't normal behaviour and it's not healthy. There's no reason you should be struggling, especially when you are still physically recovering.

Seriously!!! Leave!!! Better a single Mum to a baby you adore than a single mum to a lovely baby and a fully grown excuse for a man!

My ex was like this and it never got better - he just tested the boundaries with more extreme behaviour.

So so sorry you have had such a traumatic birth and now have no support

This is my ex husband. It won't get better. Go.

I was going to say LTB. But that is not helpful. You seriously need to consider your future with this man. You are clearly in pain and he appears to be ignoring the matter. My husband is very hands on and when I asked for a full nights sleep early on when I went back to work, I camped out on the sofa (baby was sleeping in crib in our room at that point) and I had what I needed. If he cant be bothered now is there anything he has done to show he improve - grasping at straws. When I went back to work FT I stopped going to the gym as I knew my DH would be at home looking after little one. Now LO is one we have both agreed single nights each out during the week that are OUR nights free of LO - about 3-4 hours when LO is (almost) asleep anyway.

We found it helpful to discuss childcare whilst I was pregnant and I wonder if you ever discussed this? Setting out expectations is so important and if (as it seems) he doesnt wish to be bothered with it now, I cant see how he would in future :(

I just don't see how the trust every comes back when someone has treated you this badly. Unless they willingly make a massive effort to redress the balance and demonstrate their love.

He's a cunt and he's sweet to you so that he can have nice long lie ins and hours at the gym. Get him to fuck.

OP you deserve better. That's the bottom line.

Look at his actions not his words. Words are cheap. His actions are saying he believes childcare and looking after the house are your concern. And only yours. He is saying that he is entitled to live the life he wants at you and your baby's expense. Just think about what that means.

How long do you want to live with someone who thinks like that? As others say it is unlikely to get better because this would take a monumental change of attitude.

When a man tells you what he's like, believe him (to wantonly adapt Maya Angelou there!).

OP you poor thing, I can't imagine doing this alone, you need so much more support than that. I agree with a previous poster that being alone would genuinely be better than this. ♡ I hope you're ok

what a fuckwit. OMG. Mine is usless too but yours take the prize. So sorry for you. Get him out or get yourself to your mums/ Rellies for help. otherwise you'll finish up in a mental breakdown ( i almost did) Good Luck love x

As you said yourself, you're being a doormat. Tell him you're angry at him sloping off all the time. You say he makes a bottle but 'he doesn't offer to do the feed' - TELL HIM YOU WANT HIM TO DO IT. Yes, he should offer but he clearly isn't going to, so tell him what you want him to do. This is a necessary first step to improving things for yourself.

oh dear! i feel for you but you should not be going through this. Please move yourself and baby back in to the bedroom. Let him sort himself out elsewhere. How totally wicked of him.