To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

Shocking behaviour. What a very selfish man he is. To watch his wife struggle with pain and not help at all is awful.

You sound like you are coping with an amazingly difficult situation. My suggestion would be to be crystal clear and direct with telling him what he needs to do next. For example, I am going to take a shower now, you will need to watch the baby for 30 mins. Dont say I havent washed in 2 days and expect him to join the dots as he clearly cant do that. Say you are on baby duty for everything tonight from 9pm until 6am, here are the bottles and here are the nappies, and then go to bed and put ear plugs in, if he wakes you early, say no. He is behaving like a toddler, so treat him like one.

If he used to be a genuinely nice and caring guy and it has all gone out of the window, he might be traumatised by seeing you go through such a horrid birth experience, its not an excuse, but that might be the reason he is 'escaping' to the gym and sleep. Unfortunately, you dont get to escape and it actually happened to you, and you are being left holding the baby as well. To try and get him back, does he have any good friends that he could go round to their house and just talk. He might need to get his worries off his chest and doesnt feel he can talk to you as he doesnt want to burden you. Maybe call the friend and ask him to call your DH.

So sorry you are going through this, sending

I take your point about the SPD and the sofa actually being more comfortable - though you do mention that you wanted to sleep in the bed and he turfed you out of it.

But I'm also getting a picture of a man who, while not exactly resenting the baby, is possibly a bit jealous of it. he tells you you are 'beautiful' and wants to dance with you (dancing is supposed to help you how, exactly) rather than giving you any practical help. I think he will be 'suggesting' sex quite soon.

Please do talk to your HV and see what additional support you can get.

God almighty he needs a serious reality check.

How can he live with himself knowing he is free-loading with you so much. Do you have any family nearby? Has no one- a friend, mother, brother, sister, in law, said to him that his behaviour is beyond awful??

He is being absolutely cruel to the person he is supposed to love most in the world? How does that work?

I had a fourth degree tear. My dh was in the final year of a medical residency at the time so doing a one in three call. He took a week off work and did everything. He asked his mother to come over to help me. When she was here I stayed in bed with the baby, she took him away after feeding (and yes I also struggled to establish feeding) and then I would come out to a lovely cooked breakfast. She would take the baby in the middle of the night after I fed him so I could go back to sleep. DH did the same even though he was as knackered as I was.

And call me heartless but I wouldn't give a shit whether he is coping or not. This isn't about him. It is about you the mother - you are the one in most danger of a serious post partum depression - not him, who is going to the gym every day, going to work, and getting a full nights' sleep.

He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I am actually boiling with rage reading this. I would be so so tempted to tell him ditto for you and you will be going out for four hours every evening. Honest to god, shite men use breastfeeding to trap women. If you were formula feeding you could just hand him the baby and say sorry buster but it doesn't work like that.

I appreciate you are probably too exhausted even to deal with this but you will have to. I suggest you confide in your health visitor and also someone in real life - a good friend or sister or mother, ideally one with a partner who understands, has been with this and who might be able to have a fuck it man you are ridiculous, shape up conversation with your dh. Someone needs to explain reality to him before his marriage is over.

I'm not sure I could recover from this myself. I know what a difficult birth was like and the recovery. I could not have done what you are doing without ending up with mh issues.

This is one of the most shocking posts I've read on here OP, he sounds truly selfish and uncaring. Words mean nothing when the actions don't back it up... he thinks telling you your doing a great job every now and then is enough, that's his helping done. He's saying these things to keep you off his back. He needs to see this thread so he knows how bad it is.

Your husband is disgusting. I'm so angry and upset on your behalf.

Wow, I'm sure most people would treat a stranger better than your husband is treating you, this is absolutely horrible!

So sad for you OP this man is a prize arsehole, there is no excuse for this whatsoever. I'm just going to repeat two things that have already been said - 1 what was he like before, how come this has turned out like this, has he ever seen other couples with babies? and 2 can you get your MV, HV or GP to speak to him. This is a nightmare, do you have your own parents or friends etc who can help?

When I was having a real low day the other week he put on the music channel and got me up and made me dance with him.

What a complete fool this man is.

Have my first LTB. I am actually speechless. I dont care how many compliments he pays you, he doesnt deserve you or your child. What an appalling father as well. Do you want your LO growing up with that as a role model?

I agree with the pp who said show him what you've written (and the range of responses) but if that doesnt immediately result in improved behaviour I would seriously ask him to leave. You're basically a single parent anyway.

Hugs. I've got a 12 week old and it is bloody brutal WITH a supportive husband. I hope you get some help soon.

Wow, what a cunt. I don't know you and I would give you more help than this.

I think you need to get back to the marital bed, could you perhaps go to bed early so he does the night feed and then you take over in the morning? You must be exhausted and this will not help with the baby blues. Do you think you could have PND? You cannot continue the way you are. What a disappointment your DH is.

I very rarely think it would be a good idea for the person mentioned in a thread to see it, but honestly, I'd show your husband the responses here, OP.

It's not just women, either. I showed my DH and he was

Just leave the house with him and the baby in it. Don't ask permission or even inform him. Just go. Take yourself to friends, family or a hotel and sleep. Andctake as much time as you need.

You are struggling with a mixture of things and letting him check out from being a responsible adult (yes I know he should just be doing this but he isn’t and priority is to get you into a coping situation not fix him, once you are coping then you can decide if you want to fix it or walk away).

You need to 💯 put you first. If you aren’t well then neither will baby be.

First, move you and baby into the bedroom - his choice, stay in with you or sleep on the sofa. Just having a set sleep space will help you and baby form a better routine.

Get yourself a good shower - if you have a bouncer chair or Moses basket put it in the bathroom whilst you are showering. Baby will be fine to cry for that short amount of time.

Try and get out with baby every day - just a walk round the park is good for your own routine.

Be assertive with him. “I’m going for a shower, you are on baby duty”....your feed turn this time..... I’m going to bed 10pm bottle is yours then bring baby to bed. Some men do genuinely struggle to know what to do with baby, especially if they’ve seen the partner have a traumatic birth and a bit of firm directing can help.

It’s a really tough phase this one and yours is being made worse by him not stepping up. Give yourself a break and take the pressure off yourself!

It would be great if HV or another professional could have a word about how it's not good enough and make crystal clear the need for you to rest and recover as much as poss - both for your mental and physical health.

Can they do this? Or are they so overstretched they can't, or it's not in their remit or whatever? It should definitely be someone's remit to give blokes like this a kick up the arse!

I'm a lone parent. There are many days I go to work after having very little sleep. That's just how life is when you have children. He can't seriously expect his life to not change at all now you have a baby.

Hideously selfish behaviour. He sounds like a man child. No use or ornament. You need to nip this in the bud now - I appreciate you don't have the energy for an argument, but perhaps show him this thread instead?

It's very interesting that the only positive thing you mention about this man is that he says nice things. Words mean nothing. Talk is cheap .

Any idiot can spend 5 minutes fluffing you up and telling you what a great job you're doing. Notice how he's not actually DOING anything though? He's not offering you the bed and taking the sofa. He's not feeding the baby. He's not even able to take the baby for a full night. He's not doing the housework. He's not even looking after his own kid long enough to allow you to have a shower.

As for the gym - what the fuck is he stressed about? He's getting a full night's sleep, going off to work and doing very little when he comes home. Stressed my arse.

Your husband is a lazy arsehole. You have two choices: Tell him in no uncertain terms that life is different and that he needs to step up - which includes accepting the fact that fucking off to the gym is a non-starter. Or boot him out.

OP I'm going to try and be constructive here.

We had 4 DC and my DH never got up in the night with any of them. This was because I was breastfeeding so there was no point in him getting up too, but even if I had asked him, I don't think he would have been able to cope with it beyond the odd one-off.

The only time I ever left him alone with a baby under about 8 months, he let him roll off the bed! I just didn't have the confidence to leave him again.

We never slept in separate beds though - he used to just snooze through.

Basically, I don't want to sound like I'm masking excuses, but I think many (most) men just have NO idea when it comes to small babies. DH didn't know how to interact with the babies for more than about 2 minutes. Literally the only thing he was useful for was walking round with one in his shoulder to get them to doze off. He did change nappies though if necessary. Also he hired a cook to "help" me with dinner and ramped up the cleaners hours.

HOWEVER, as they got older, he found his groove with them and he's fine now. It was as if he didn't have the confidence or the capacity when they were little, but now he can actually DO stuff with them, it's all good.

So talk to your DH. He may have no concept of what what to do. Don't give up yet though.

OP YOU had a horrendous birth experience YOU are the patient with a 4TH DEGREE tear AND YET you are the parent doing all the night feeds, day feeds, crying -soothing, nappy changes, housework & cleaning.... He is not a good partner.
He is not a good father.
His ACTIONS are those of a cruel, selfish man. Actions speak louder than words! Please OP get outside help.

He sounds awful. I wouldn't have managed with my baby (horrendous colic, C section, wouldn't breast feed without vast efforts for months, PND from lack of sleep) if it hadn't been to my husband doing 50% of everything while also working his job. I didn't know having a baby would be so hard but I did know my husband was a very caring and nurturing person before we had my son, so I guess I subconsciously expected him to do a lot, and didn't question whether he should be or not.

What was your husband like before? Unfortunately it sounds like he is very selfish (only exception I could see would be that he is suffering from mental health issue from failing to bond with baby as he sounds so disconnected - even then he should be seeking help). I think you have to lay it on the table - I need help. Otherwise you might as well not be here. How he reacts to that will at least tell you what he's really like and may save you time in the future.

You were having a low day and he put on some music and made you dance. He didn't give you a break, cook you a meal, hold the baby whilst you had a long bath, clean the house.

Really he needs a reality check.

I think you need to be tough on this, he is being selfish, he could be doing with an honest conversation about the situation.

With regards to the gym you need to come to a compromise with him, be completely clear that you are both parents and you need him to take more a turn, therefore he needs to fit in the exercise around his home life, not the other way around. If he needs to cut down on exercise for now, so be it.

Stop sleeping on the sofa, that is not a good sleep, just get back into the bed, moses basket next to you, have bottles ready to go for through the night and feed then straight back to sleep, if possible no lights on so baby gets the idea that night time is sleep time and there is nothing exciting happening. Upfront agree with DH when his turn will be and wake him up, don't give in, if he is at work during the day then it makes sense for you to do the majority of the night wakings but he does need to give you a break too.

I found reading this very upsetting. It breaks my heart to hear there are women in situations like this. Clearly, LTB is not helpful right now. However, I think you should, at the back of your mind, think carefully about your long term future with this person.

In the short term, can you show him this thread? You've written down the challenges for you very clearly and maybe that will help him see.

Agree completely that you need to tell him that here's the baby you're off for a shower or whatever and just go. Don't wait for him to offer. By doing that, you're accepting that it's your responsibility to look after the baby and that any help is optional and gratefully received. That is not how it should be. He needs to be in there helping you equally. Ditto, hand him the baby at 8pm and go to bed. Even if he then does wake up at 2am, you'll have had a few hours sleep. Incidentally, I don't understand why one of you has to have sofa and one the bed and then that's it for the night. In the early newborn stages, DH and I played changing beds all night every night. One of us would take baby to spare room, sleep there. Then the other one would take baby downstairs. The original person might land up on the couch. So this idea that he can't be moved from the bed or you from the sofa seems ridiculous to me.

Did you join an ante natal group? We had a similar (but much less hectic) version of this with one of the dad's in our group. One of the other couples arranged lunch with the first couple and the two women went for a 30 minute massage while the men stayed with the babies. The man who was being an (inadvertent dick) got a quick friendly talking to from the other dad who had planned it carefully and didn't get confrontational. As I Understand it, he simply talked about how his wife was finding it hard and how he's found that coming home and taking the baby for a few hours so she can sleep (or whatever example) was absolutely key. Do you have a friend or ante natal person you can rope in to do this kind of talking to?

On a practical level, hire a cleaner. Tell him if that impacts your budget he'll have to give something else up. You need the house to be less disgusting.

Really hope things get better. I'd also say talk to your HV or midwife. They can help.