To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

AF, I would help any women in these circumstances (I would like to think my husband or son would too) and I don't think it fair to make it conditional upon her leaving him. This reinforces the idea that she is somehow responsible for his behaviour. She needs help. I'd give it if she were my friend/colleague/relative. That she wouldn't need the help if the father of her child wasn't an inadequate and cruel fool is his problem, not hers.

www.different-together.co.uk
Useful site for those with partners on the spectrum. There’s no way of any of us posters knowing whether your OH is Aspergers or just self centred but I do know that expecting someone on the spectrum to change in response to sharing our emotions with them, be that anger or disappointment, is doomed to failure. Tends to leave them more confused and tense. I’ve seen the correct strategies transform the lives of young men with Aspergers and those who live with them, Most people I’ve met with Aspergers are desperate to do the right thing, they just don’t have a clue what that is. You have enough on your plate just now and need to put you and baby first but sometimes understanding why someone acts the way they do might lessen the pressure till you’re in a stronger place to make your relationship the focus. Had I known such a thing as Aspergers existed, this was the 70s, I might have found a way to understand and love my dad, not been relieved when he died in my teens. As I’ve said though, your oh might just be a selfish arse, in which case don’t expect him to change unless you make clear what you want and stick to it.

Please tell us it wasn't a long gun session that made him miss the birth?

Gah - gym not gun!

I'm so sorry op. You must feel dreadful

He's being an arse

I get your point, pallisers. This woman needs help. But letting him off the hook and letting him keep his cushty selfish lifestyle at the same time just perpetuates the problem

The shitwork gets done. By women. And he doesn't give a fuck

Men like this need throwing out into the cold. He wants the single life ? Give it to him.

OP, can you check out the homestart website and see if they have people near you? They can come and help out a bit so you can get a bath or a nap.

Fucksake the Aspergers comments are depressing and offensive.
Funnily enough women with Aspergers manage to step up to motherhood even if it's very challenging at times for them - but it's a free pass for men?
Bollox bollox bollox.

Nothing to add really other than to say my heart goes out to you, you poor thing. 💐💐💐

Ifonlylifewassimple Having Aspergers and behaving like a 'selfish arse' sometimes seem like one and the same.
The latter isn't always an indication of the former...but it sometimes is.

What really made me wince (and cross my legs) is that he made her dance with him. Like dancing is a really good way to mend a 4th degree fanjo tear. What an unimaginative knob.

You I don't know ANYONE who spends 3-4 hours a day at the gym. I know someone who goes and does two hours Evey Saturday and does a full body workout using weights. It doesn't take longer than that.

DS1 is 11 and has Aspergers but is the least selfish person I know. He's kind, he's generous and he's sweet-natured beyond imagination. Aspergers isn't a get-out clause for dick behaviour.

OP you need more support. Be upfront with your HV that you're not getting the support you require at home. Do what you think it right with your DH but don't break yourself trying to hold him together. He should be the glue supporting you after such an enormous trauma.

Agree that conflating being a selfish knob with Asperger syndrome is massively unfair to all the generous, kindly and caring individuals out there with an Aspergers diagnosis, of whom I have known several.

If this man is 'desperate to do the right thing but doesn't have a clue what that is', why has he totally failed to benefit from OP's direct communications regarding his excessive gym time and her need for a full night's sleep?

Wow he has done a fucking number on you hasn't he OP!

I would suggest you giving him this thread to read but I'm sure he will just tell you how much more of a super mum you are than the rest of us so obviously don't need as much help as a normal human!

OP my DH missed the birth of his eldest by half an hour.

He was brilliant in the early days and continues to be so. Missing the birth is NOT an excuse for being a selfish uncaring asshole.

Also him saying nice things to you, although very nice, is NOT going to help you rest and heal.

I'd be very very tempted to kick him out and invite my best mate over and take it from there.

I'd be so disgusted with him and filled with rage. You are doing SO well by the sound of it. Speak to your HV about all this.

If my DH behaved like this; he’d be an ex as soon as i had the energy to start a divorce. He’s behaving like an utter knob.

Right so....

Ignorant of someone else's BASIC medical needs.

Entitled behaviour

selfish, self centred and egocentric

Indifferent to direct pleas and distressed clear request for assistance /action

Refuses to apologise or acknowledge incorrect behaviour

ANGRY defensive response to correction

I don't believe that these are the hallmarks of ASD - more like BPD.

My father is ASD spectrum - the most kind, thoughtful, considerate, unselfish person I know. Sometimes he misunderstands and misreads things - people mainly, and there are all kinds of ASD issues - lists, literalism, rituals, fear of change, etc etc. There's no resemblance to this man at all. I think this man is just a selfish arsehole.

This is heart breaking to read

Who doesn't want to care for and help a partner who's had a traumatic time and fourth degree fucking tear?! If I've had a hard day at work my Dp trips over himself to run me a bath and there's no WAY he'd be letting me sleep on the couch with those sorts of injuries.

Do you have any other relatives or friends nearby who can help OP? I know you said the mums are out. Even if it's just for a rant on the phone. Can you afford a cleaner?

You need to spell out in black and white how much his lack of care and thought hurts. Words and compliments are just that, they don't actually physically HELP you do they. Point out you could end up with full blown PND, or a serious infection.

My son's dad was selfish and shit and I didn't realise until we had a child together. I took me so so long to realise he'd never change and I wasted years with him, feeling hurt and disappointed and like me and DS were an inconvenience. I now am with a lovely man who adores me and my child and will do anything for either of us.

Reach out to him and explain sure, and tell him what you need, but also reach out to anyone else you can be it midwife, HV, GP, friends, neighbours, relatives. Don't be embarrassed or feel you are bothering people, most people would love to help if they can and everyone needs help in these early days especially if they've had a tough birth.

Please don't do that "poor him he missed the birth, he might be very upset" bit. Who gives a shit? It's not even the tiniest fraction of what you endured and you're not disappearing for 3 to 4 hours a day.

Get back in your bed. Babies cry, your DH can put up with that like every other parent. You need a partner, not a second child.

Jesus OP. I have never, ever said this before on MN, but if I were you I'd be thinking very hard about whether or not I wanted to stay married to this prick.
My DH wasn't great when our first was born - we somehow fell into these 'traditional' roles which pretty much echoed what you're saying. I never quite let go of the resentment tbh, and have never forgotten how it felt to have a non-sleeping baby, to be so fucking exhausted I was on my knees, and still expected to do everything else as well. I actively hated my DH for most of DD's first year. And he was nothing in comparison to yours. If I were you I'd be so angry I'm honestly not sure I could ever look at him again, and if he'd tried to make me dance with him it would have made me want to kill him.
You are so, so NOT unreasonable here. You literally could not be more reasonable. You sound lovely, and you also sound at the very end of your rope. Completely understandably.
If I were you, i'd take the tack others on here have suggested - don't hint, ask outright, or better yet, tell him what will happen and what you need from him. "I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed. You need to take DS for at least 6 hours so I can get a proper rest. Don't disturb me. If he cries, try xyz." "I'm going to have a bath. Bottles are here, changing stuff here, I'll be an hour or so. Stick a wash on and run the sink for the dishes while I'm up there please."
I got better at this with my second - I used to go out a couple of evenings a week for an hour or two, and I made a conscious effort to never apologise for it or act like he was doing me a favour. He's their parent just like me, he can fucking cope with an hour of crying - nothing compared to what I've dealt with!
And if he won't agree/step up even once you explicitly tell him what he needs to do, I would honestly consider leaving him. It is easier to do it on your own, because you don't have the resentment and hurt of the person that should be there to support you, watching you struggle and not giving a fuck.
for you OP.

And yes I agree on the ASD thing.

Even if he is on the spectrum it's no excuse for being such a selfish areshole. He's holding down a job and a very time consuming busy schedule so he's high functioning enough to KNOW.

My child has autism. He's almost 13 and not classed as apsergers or high functioning to give you an idea of his level of understanding, and yes he can be thrown by things but he's still a loving and caring person who doesn't want me to feel unwell and offers me help. And he's a CHILD with autism. Really upsets me when I see posts suggesting aspergers as an excuse. It might be part of a reason a person is struggling with change but it's not an excuse to be an absolute dickhead to your partner.

Stop demanding so little op. This man will make your life miserable and he is a crap role model for your child.

How do you think he would react, OP, if you say to him 'You are being so unhelpful that I am seriously considering throwing you out. If you don't change and make an effort, I am going to divorce you.'
If he really is 'just' thoughtless, he will apologise and start giving you the support you need.

But, from what you have posted, I'm afraid I don't think that's going to happen. He will either boohoo a bit about how you've hurt his feelings, come up with a lot of meaningless guff about how you're 'still beautiful' and 'the one for him' but not do anything to help you - or he will get angry and possibly even aggressive.
(Men who go to the gym a lot are sometimes steroid-heads, which can lead to potentially dangerous levels of aggression).

I think your next moves really need to be: getting help from other people (health visitor, friends, a nanny or cleaner if you can afford it) and getting in place the information you need to end the marriage and get rid of him. I really can't see him changing into a decent partner and parent, and the stress of living with a selfish man is so bad for you.