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Original poster

To want to bedshare with my 3 week old?

107 replies

Lightsoutandawaywego · 29/09/2017 00:09

Posted this in sleep, but also here for traffic...

My DD is 3 weeks old and is currently sleeping in a Moses basket next to our bed. DH has gone back to work this week after paternity leave so is spending weeknights sleeping in the spare bedroom (he has the sort of job that would be dangerous if he was overtired so we agreed that I would take care of the baby at night during the week and he would join us back in the bedroom at weekends until DD can sleep for longer periods).

DD wakes up every 2 hours for a bottle (she’s ff) and struggles to get back to sleep after that, so I feel like I’m awake almost all night with her. Sometimes I place her next to me on top of the duvet (the duvet is pulled up high on the bed and tucked in, so there’s no risk that she’ll suffocate) and she sleeps much better, until i then move her to the Moses basket and then she wakes up. I’m considering bed-sharing whilst DH isn’t in the bed, but im so scared that something will happen to her cos there’s a lot of info online about bedsharing and SIDS. For info, I don’t smoke, drink or take drugs, and im a light sleeper (I also sleep with the bedside light on so I can keep checking on her throughout the night), so I feel like I’m probably in a good position to bedshare.

Can anyone give me some tips on how to do this safely? There’s so much conflicting advice online that I don’t know what to believe. TIA x

OP posts:
highinthesky · 29/09/2017 07:29

She's 15 now and I still sometimes miss it.

I'm 44 and when my mum stays over she gets straight into bed with me...allegedly to "save on the washing".

Ohwoolballs · 29/09/2017 07:32

Congratulations on your new baby!
I swore up and down I would have a cot sleeping and happy baby, what I got was a silent refluxy, clingy wonderful newborn. I think our mammal instincts do take over and we want to kind of 'curl up in our den' type thing.
I ended up Co sleeping on day three probably. I kept the baby to the outside of the bed, so no risk of him being trapped in between, then I used to keep my duvet wrapped and tucked under me like a sleeping bag. In hindsight I wish I'd just dug a sleeping bag out. Baby had his own sleep sack/ blankets on but he was definitely close enough to smell me, my milk and we could hear each others breathing.
I was an absolutely broken woman sleeping in hour long bursts until we conslept.
Have a look at getting a side along cot if you like the idea of being close but having a designated baby spot. That way you could feed, wind and then lay baby down still drowsy but keep your hand on her tummy or holding hand so she has some reassurance you're there.

Good luck!

NerrSnerr · 29/09/2017 07:33

Has anyone who has called the research about feeding and cosleeping rubbish actually read the ISIS link? People are not saying it to have ago at formula feeders, they are just sharing research. It pisses me off that you can't mention bedsharing and feeding and SIDS and breastfeeding without people (who clearly haven't read the research) getting offended.

Please do not use a pool noodle in bed though Shock

ModernFamily2017 · 29/09/2017 07:33

For example if you bf and bedshare the bond is so strong that if baby wakes up hungry or just moves so much as a finger, then you being so linked also wake to see to baby

Claiming this only applies to bf babies is absolute bull shit! Take no notice OP.

Remove the duvet as it is a risk and wear warm PJs with a blanket. Good luck!

BayLeaves · 29/09/2017 07:38

It's not bullshit, there is evidence that FF babies are at greater risk, the science of breastfeeding is quite complex and involves a whole host of hormones and secretions meaning that yes, there is a totally different physiological bond between BF babies and their mothers.

I came onto this thread to say yes, co-sleep with your 3 week old, but as soon as I saw you're FF I would not advise it. I love co-sleeping but there's no way I'd co-sleep with my baby if we were formula feeding.

The BF/FF "debate" and insecurities around feeding choices should not come into this, it's about safety.

Ohyesiam · 29/09/2017 07:40

Get Barbra Jackson's Three in a Bed from Amazon. A great co sleeping book.

TanginaBarrons · 29/09/2017 07:41

Modernfamily seriously, read the research and stop being a dick. It is irresponsible not to point out the evidence. It doesn't mean someone bf loves their baby more than someone ff. It is not a value judgement. It is simple science.

ConciseandNice · 29/09/2017 07:41

NerrSnerr is right and people can be offended all they like. I wouldn't bedshare with a formula fed baby. The risks are too high. By saying that women aren't as 'in sync' with their babies is not somehow saying they love them less, it's saying that they have lost that instinctive response to their babies feeding cues. There is plenty of research on it. Bf mothers sleep much lighter and modify their sleeping positions in response to their babies, ff mothers don't.

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 07:43

Bertie if the boxes mentioned were unsafe they would not be on the market. Even Side sleepers have come loose and babies died in them. They are still a reasonable safe option wth a tiny chance of risk.

It's wrong to say if you can't sleep safely without a box don't sleep with the baby. No one knows if they are a safe sleeper before they've done it. I have serious sleep apnoea. I'm on a mask now but I wasn't when I had my babies as I was still undiagnosed, it would not be advised by any HCP to cosleep, however I was waking hourly with the baby and I was a real risk for falling asleep on a couch with them which would have been very dangerous. The baby box enabled me to sleep safely with my children and for me to get some sleep. It's important to give people information. It it's not one sized fits all and people can choose to do what works with them and calculate the risk for themselves

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 07:47

Op one thing that also worked for me was a normal cot pulled up to the bed so I could put my hand in the cot. Side sleepers won't last you very long and can be expensive so it might be worth looking in to

BertieBotts · 29/09/2017 07:53

Taco, you use whatever you want but it's simply not true to say that products which increase risk are not allowed to be sold. And yes I am aware of the tragic case in which a baby died using a co sleeper cot - the parents had unfortunately been using it without the instructions, which is why it's important to rely on official advice rather than forum based advice.

In fact the most popular of those products - I think the bed nest but can't be sure I've recalled the name - was banned in Europe, although this was due to concerns about the foams used rather than co sleeping safety.

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 07:56

I never said they don't increase risk, I said they aren't unsafe. Everything increases risk. I said it depends on the person if a specific thing increases risk. As I explained that undoubtably decreased my risk.

Not having a perfect energising diet increases risk. But it's a tiny one, they really couldn't sell then if they were baby killers.

Original poster
Lightsoutandawaywego · 29/09/2017 07:56

i understand the bf vs ff debate with regards to bedsharing, and to safely share a bed with a ff baby I suppose is going to be an individual thing. I know my own sleeping habits - I’ve always been a light sleeper but particularly since DD has been born I’m constantly waking to check on her, and I’m not so sleep deprived that I think I would fall into a deep sleep and would not be aware of anything happening next to me (I do manage to fit in a few naps throughout the day which helps!). Maybe for others the risk would be too great, but I am a natural worrier anyway so I think I’ll manage to stay relatively alert during the night.

OP posts:
NicolasFlamel · 29/09/2017 07:56

I would be completely ashamed of myself if I was encouraging a mother to ignore advice and bed share with a newborn ff baby. You realise you're risking the safety of that baby just because you're feeling a bit defensive over formula feeding right? That's gross. Harp on about how unfair it all is but when it comes down to something as serious as this you need to suck it up and familiarise yourself with some research. You don't get to pick and chose the bits you like.

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 08:00

Also the bed nest is the side sleeper. And it is banned in America and Canada

Bouncingbelle · 29/09/2017 08:01

I had to do this and invested in a sleepyhead pillow. I cleared the bed on one side & put baby in the sleepyhead. It has a hard base and the high sides mean you cant roll onto baby. Its breathable and approved for overnight sleeping. My baby still sleeps in his but in the cot now.

eeanne · 29/09/2017 08:03

Besides the fact that there is research and evidence supporting it, it should be apparent to anyone that having an infant attached to your nipple throughout the night is going to make you more aware of its location and presence in the bed, and keep you from sleeping as deeply as a result.

Personally despite being a BF mother I never bed shared as I was far too worried about the risks and the anxiety that I could hurt my baby wasn't worth the effort. For upcoming DC2 I have purchased a Chicco Next2Me cosleeper which I hope will help me get a bit more rest while also maintaining a separate sleep surface which is advised as being more safe.

astoundedgoat · 29/09/2017 08:07

It wasn't hugely comfortable without being snuggled up in a duvet as I usually am, but I did this with dd2 for months, until she started regarding me as the local All Night 24 Hour Always Available Milk Bar and by 5 months was just latched on from about 10pm until 6am.

The only odd thing that happened is that I woke up with a start one night and the room was silent. Didn't know what was wrong until I realised that she wasn't breathing. Lay there frozen for what seemed like ages staring at her before I poked her and she took in a HUGE gasp and started breathing normally again. Obviously there is absolutely no way to know that she wouldn't have started up again if I hadn't poked her, but it gave me a fright all the same.

Crumbs1 · 29/09/2017 08:12

One all slept with me initially. It meant we all slept and they ended up being able to feed without me even really noticing. The boys basically latched and remained latched all night through.
I did this until the were ready to go through the night without feeding and for sleep training at around 9 months.

whoopitywhoopitywhoop · 29/09/2017 08:13

The other thing I hate about these sort of debates is the 'but you are risking your baby'. Massive pearl clutch and general bossiness. Everyones situation is different. We are adults and can read the research and understand how it applies to our situation. It is only in the early days people get quite so black and white about things. But really, carrying your baby has risks, driving your baby in a car has risks, even meeting your family has risks! But it is about being proportional and using your judgement. Just because someone has had a baby it doesn't mean they can't do that! Obviously there are things that you definitely shouldn't do and things you should but there is a whole world of grey in the middle and this falls into it.

ElizabethShaw · 29/09/2017 08:16

I'm not sure I'd risk it with a formula fed baby tbh.

If you do do it, make sure the baby is on a firm mattress and not sleeping on top of or under the duvet. And ensure she can't fall between the bed and the wall.

A three sided cot right next to the bed might be a good comprise, so she has her own space but you can touch her?

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 08:31

Op, have you got your baby's proper cot bought yet? Try what I said up thread about pushing it up to the bed and see how you get on tonight first of all. That might be in itself enough. You can keep a hand through touching her

bellaboo101 · 29/09/2017 08:37

I co slept and my baby was formula fed.

She slept right through the night from 4 months. She sleeps 7-7 everyday now.

If it's done safely then it's fine!

Only1scoop · 29/09/2017 08:44

Yabu

It's dangerous IMO

Don't honestly know how I'd get a wink of sleep through fear of suffocation etc.

Only1scoop · 29/09/2017 08:46

But I'm a bit Odd

didn't even allow a teddy or a pillow until almost 2 Blush