To want my exh to stop treating me like an employee?

[nigelsbigface]

Communications from my exh re our daughters are becoming increasingly Manager (him) to employee (me) in tone.To date I have managed to find this amusing as opposed to annoyance inducing-(in particular his fondness for ludicrous management speak which always makes me feel lucky that we aren't together any more). However I wonder if I am being unreasonable in starting to getting annoyed?

He insists we have 50/50 responsibility for the kids (in practice I have them 4 nights, him 3, frequently less when he is 'away' or 'out'-which I'm happy with-I'd have them them more if he would agree to it).

This week there is meeting scheduled this evening at school to discuss something re our dd. He has been aware of this since the beginning of term. I reminded him about it last week. He sent me an email on Monday to say ' just to ensure you have this in your diary as I am out'. It's my night with the dd's and, yes I had it in my 'diary' (as I had reminded him of it) and I had planned to go, but had thought he would also attend given his being so keen to have 50/50 responsibility for the kids. I didn't reply other than to say 'ok'.

There was some prep to do for this meeting which I have done, bar one form which he did, but made an error which I will now have to go out of my way to sort out after work on my way to the meeting.

Yesterday he forwarded me 2 parent mail's (which I already receive myself-something he is aware of) to inform us there is a cake competition at dd1's school and a bake sale at dd2's tomorrow. I replied something flippant about it being short notice.Last night was parents evening which we both attended,ending at 6. He said to me afterwards-'have you sorted the cakes out?' I replied that I had been to the shops and bought some stuff but as I hadn't been home, had had no chance to do it-and as he knows, I have a regular volunteering thing I do on a Wednesday (his night with them). I suggested he sort one cake out-buy it-and I'd do the other. He laughed and said 'I don't think I'll be doing that'... at which I was a bit .
Today he has forwarded me an email containing a form in which kids sign up for after school clubs, which again we both received via parent mail yesterday. He had written 'you may want to to do this with dd2 this evening as it needs to be in by tomorrow and I didn't have time last night'. He got in with the girls at 6, they go to bed at 10, not sure what they were doing for 4 hours to rule out filling in the form.

He is aware that I am leaving work early to get the girls from after school sports today, then taking both to the meeting with me, feeding them/homework etc, then apparently making a pair of cakes this evening...as well as needing to catch up on the work I have missed due to the leaving early..( to avoid drip feed dd2 is proving to need someone to pick her up from school at the minute for various reasons, where she used to walk home on her own, and this has been me to date, which is causing some issues at work.He has not offered to assist with this-we both work full time, though I am nearer home-he agrees this is necessary but hasn't offered an alternative suggestion to me doing it daily).

I am apoplectic re his email today...I can't even find it slightly funny. AIBU to be annoyed? Or am I just overreacting due to stress re dd2 and having a lot to do? Genuine question..
And is it even in any way possible to get it through to him that a) I'm
Not his PA and b) having responsibility for the kids means contributing to everything with them, big decisions, meetings, bloody bake sales, not just delegating it all to someone else (me)?

Yes, he is being an absolute pain. I can understand your desire to tell him to take his notification emails and shove them. However, what is in the best interests of your children?

What I would do is make it clear that if a form arrives on his day then it is his job to do it. If he makes a mistake on a form, he sorts it.

By all means have a rant on here if it stops you chucking the cakes at him.

Yes-actually just venting here has helped me calm down considerably...

Tell him 50/50 means exactly that. One buy/make one cake, he does the other.
One week you'll pick up DD mon, tues, Weds - the next week you'll only collect Mon and Tues. He has to do the rest, therefore you are both doing 5 pick ups fortnightly. Or alternate weeks, one week you pick up all week and then next week is his turn.
It makes me laugh how many men insist they have 50/50 rights and access but funnily enough it's mostly when it suits them and mum ends up doing the majority of the running around.
My ex has complained he doesn't like DS's nursery (near my house) and said he wants him to go to the nursery near his home (about 5 miles away) I said that's absolutely fine as long as he pays the bills (he currently doesn't contribute to them) and does all the pick ups and drop offs that I do.
Well no, that wouldn't work as he is too busy... ahhh I see it's only 50/50 on decisions that would only incovenience me

You need to completely ignore all this shit. Don't respond to his emails telling you about stuff you have already received from the school. Similarly, it's not up to you to remind him of events he should attend if he gets the same letters as you do! Both of you need to do the homeworks/fork signing/cake stuff on your own respective nights with DC. Don't respond to his emails anymore. You don't have to. By doing so you are only reinforcing his notion that he is right to contact you with them. He isn't. You already have the information.

Agree with what Nocry said.

'You seem extremely anxious about the school emails - reminding me about an event which I noticed YOU about in advance seems very overanxious - would you prefer it if the emails just came to me if you find them overwhelming? I'm afraid things like making cakes and filling in forms on time come with the territory and really aren't that scary either once you get going 🙂. It's all part of 50/50 as I see it. If you are finding the detail of real parenting too much, we need to officially reassess rather then me picking up all these smaller things in order to carry you. Let me know if you want to discuss'

I do see that in principle. But if I do that all together it will make it hard to have any sort of parenting relationship with him going forwards...he wouldn't take well
to it and I am trying to preserve that for the dd's sake.... if I say no to anything I get a slightly to very arsey response or else it's implied that I am saying no due to how I feel about things that occurred around the end of our marriage (which didn't end well and are ongoing to some degree). I try very hard and mostly succeed in separating how I feel about that from parenting discussions/decisions but because I was very upset initially about certain things (and still am
Although never vocally or in any way visible to h) that feels like it's seen as the reason I might not do as he wants or whatever...does that make any sense?
I'm answering my own question because I know I shouldn't be bothered about what he thinks of me at all...and it certainly shouldn't inform how I respond to him. I'm annoyed at myself probably more than anything...

Actually fizzy the bones of what you said there might be a good way of opening the discussion with him-Thankyou

Though he'd go wild if I said he didn't do any real parenting. His ego wouldn't allow that one to pass...

I'm not sure why you just meekly replied "ok" rather than saying "of course - I reminded you about it a few days ago. It's a shame for the girls that you won't be there" or whatever. You don't need to be pissy but you can be assertive.

He is an arse but actually it may be better for you to be in charge of forms etc as you will decide sensibly.
Isn't it strange that when we split up with someone we are upset they still do the things that made us leave. I don't know why we expect them to change!

Then you need to tell him that you really appreciate how much he is involved with the dcs
And that you are also aware that he really wants a 50/50 time with the DC as well as 59/50 responsibility.
Therefore you will, form now on, treat all dealings with the school etc as a 50/50 responsibility.
Which means it's his responsibility as much as yours to have a cake coming to school, to be there on time for meetings etc...
And the leave him to it.
DONT answer his emails about 'remember', it's a way to move the responbility from him to you.
DONT answer emails about meetings he doesn't attend anyway.
But DO ensure that you keep your side of the bargain (so let's say the school is asking fofor r tow cakes, bring one etc...)

Atm you are actually covering up for him. If he wants 50/50 responsibility, then he needs to step up and do his side of the bargain. Let the school tell him he didn't fill the form properly rather than running around for him. Let the school or your DC mention that he didn't bake any cake for the school etc...

It's not that he is treating you like an employee. It's that he wants ll the good bits of being an involved father wo doing any work at all. Don't it for him!

As a lifetime expert in avoidance, I would go with NoCry's technique. Just reply to the e-mails that are important.

As for cakes, the cake competition can only really be done with the parent the child is staying with the night before, and do you really have to supply a cake for the bake sale? Surely they need people to buy them too or just donate the money for the ingredients - probably more than they would sell the cake for.

If you take out the 'real', I think it's totally apt.

Do remind him you get the emails. Dh and I both get emails from ds1's school and wouldn't dream of forwarding them to each other. There's enough rubbish comes directly without adding to it.

Yes, as someone has suggested, if he wants them 50/50 then he should do a meeting if it is on his night, also a cake if it is on his morning etc. etc. If he doesn't want the 50/50 then maybe he should be paying a bit more maintenance.

He sounds like a right piece of work.

Does it really matter what motives he ascribes to your decisions?

You say no to something, he gets pissy and says you're being awkward to spite him and should get over whatever it was. And you say? "That doesn't work for me". He accuses you of being petty. "I'm not sure what you mean? No, I can't do xxxx. Sure you'll work it out".

He sounds like a patronising bully with a god complex and fuck all to back it up. You don't need to let him behave like your boss and when you do - doing all the school picks ups, making all the cakes, sorting all the paperwork, going to all the meetings! - you let him think he's a 50/50 parent when he's not. So fuck him.

You don't owe him anything do you? And if any relationship is only amicable when one person does all the accommodating while the other takes the piss, then it's not really amicable is it. It's working for him and not you.

Atm you are actually covering up for him. If he wants 50/50 responsibility, then he needs to step up and do his side of the bargain. Let the school tell him he didn't fill the form properly rather than running around for him. Let the school or your DC mention that he didn't bake any cake for the school etc...

Yep. And it's a good example to your daughters to see you picking up the slack like this when their father is perfectly capable. I assume if it was a form for work he'd either get it right first time or sort it our himself if he ballsed it up.

Leave him to it. It'll be good for him.

I'm going to suggest you keep a diary of when he actually has them, when he is supposed to and when he ducks out, including any communications from him. Also copies of all the twattery.
Just in case you ever need it.

It is missing...these things did used to annoy me when we were married...thinks it's now added annoyance at the song and dance he makes about 50/50 parenting...

And thanks to all other pp-I do need to be more assertive and less bothered about what he thinks...

Good grief, how irritating for you.

Ignore everything you can and stop behaving like his PA. You’ve years of this ahead of you if you don’t stop now.

And everything AnnelovesGilbert said. With bells on.

(I get massively annoyed with XH’s faux parenting, so I do sympathise OP!)

He laughed and said 'I don't think I'll be doing that'.

OMG how did you keep your cool. I'm furious for you! What a wanker.

Just stick to the 50/50 thing. "OK, 50/50 means I'll do half of these forms, here's your half." "We should split the cakes 50/50 as that's how we're parenting. I'll get X, what will you get?" Just carry on like that. If he's shitty just say "But we agreed 50/50, that means doing half the stuff that needs doing for the kids". Ultimately you could say "Don't you want to do your half? I could have the kids more days if you prefer."

The managerial emails, just reply "This is 50% your job as we agreed."

He is an ex for a good reason.

These things are annoying, but when you let them annoy you, you are giving him power over your emotions. Did he like to jerk you around when you were together? Talk down to you? Is this a way for him to continue treating badly after splitting up?

I think that NoCry was spot on. Any response from you lets him know that he still has power over you. Like any bully, when he realizes that he isn't having an impact on you, he'll find someone else to bully. Ignore all communication from him that you can, when you do have to communicate, go "gray rock."

Here is a quote about the Gray Rock method:

"Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit you bore him and he can’t stand boredom."
From lovefraud.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Sounds like my wanker-twat of an ex. I texted him one day to ask him to pick up DS from a schoolfriend's house rather than mine, sent the house number and street name. His reply: can you send me the postcode? No, look it up yourself you stupid arsewankering idiot

If he's suddenly trying to make out that he does 50/50 parenting, watch that he's not also angling to reduce the amount of maintenance he pays.