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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my exh to stop treating me like an employee?

80 replies

nigelsbigface · 28/09/2017 14:16

Communications from my exh re our daughters are becoming increasingly Manager (him) to employee (me) in tone.To date I have managed to find this amusing as opposed to annoyance inducing-(in particular his fondness for ludicrous management speak which always makes me feel lucky that we aren't together any more). However I wonder if I am being unreasonable in starting to getting annoyed?

He insists we have 50/50 responsibility for the kids (in practice I have them 4 nights, him 3, frequently less when he is 'away' or 'out'-which I'm happy with-I'd have them them more if he would agree to it).

This week there is meeting scheduled this evening at school to discuss something re our dd. He has been aware of this since the beginning of term. I reminded him about it last week. He sent me an email on Monday to say ' just to ensure you have this in your diary as I am out'. It's my night with the dd's and, yes I had it in my 'diary' (as I had reminded him of it) and I had planned to go, but had thought he would also attend given his being so keen to have 50/50 responsibility for the kids. I didn't reply other than to say 'ok'.

There was some prep to do for this meeting which I have done, bar one form which he did, but made an error which I will now have to go out of my way to sort out after work on my way to the meeting.

Yesterday he forwarded me 2 parent mail's (which I already receive myself-something he is aware of) to inform us there is a cake competition at dd1's school and a bake sale at dd2's tomorrow. I replied something flippant about it being short notice.Last night was parents evening which we both attended,ending at 6. He said to me afterwards-'have you sorted the cakes out?' I replied that I had been to the shops and bought some stuff but as I hadn't been home, had had no chance to do it-and as he knows, I have a regular volunteering thing I do on a Wednesday (his night with them). I suggested he sort one cake out-buy it-and I'd do the other. He laughed and said 'I don't think I'll be doing that'... at which I was a bit Confused.
Today he has forwarded me an email containing a form in which kids sign up for after school clubs, which again we both received via parent mail yesterday. He had written 'you may want to to do this with dd2 this evening as it needs to be in by tomorrow and I didn't have time last night'. He got in with the girls at 6, they go to bed at 10, not sure what they were doing for 4 hours to rule out filling in the form.

He is aware that I am leaving work early to get the girls from after school sports today, then taking both to the meeting with me, feeding them/homework etc, then apparently making a pair of cakes this evening...as well as needing to catch up on the work I have missed due to the leaving early..( to avoid drip feed dd2 is proving to need someone to pick her up from school at the minute for various reasons, where she used to walk home on her own, and this has been me to date, which is causing some issues at work.He has not offered to assist with this-we both work full time, though I am nearer home-he agrees this is necessary but hasn't offered an alternative suggestion to me doing it daily).

I am apoplectic re his email today...I can't even find it slightly funny. AIBU to be annoyed? Or am I just overreacting due to stress re dd2 and having a lot to do? Genuine question..
And is it even in any way possible to get it through to him that a) I'm
Not his PA and b) having responsibility for the kids means contributing to everything with them, big decisions, meetings, bloody bake sales, not just delegating it all to someone else (me)?

OP posts:
magoria · 28/09/2017 20:18

You are only getting on because you allow him to take the piss.

He doesn't care about getting on. He cares about getting his own way.

He doesn't care how that affects you or if his not doing something means he would let your DC down.

You need to start pushing back to the 50/50 and let him fail the DC or have his tantrum.

Don't cover to the DC. Simply a 'yes I am sorry your dad didn't sort it out' and leave it at that.

FoxyinherRoxy · 28/09/2017 20:21

Magoria - not my thread but spot on.

SandyY2K · 28/09/2017 20:27

My response would have been. "Oh Gosh. ...I hope you aren't developing amnesia. ..I reminded you about it the other day"

Starlight2345 · 28/09/2017 20:31

How old are your DD's?

What commitments do you have the 4 of you have to attend? because unless it is a school meeting then none of this is true.

You do need to tell him you will continue to sort out your nights but he needs to sort out childcare for his nights.

You need to not remind him of any appointments if he fails to attend his problem.. Not only does he need to not treat you like an employee but you need to stop been his secretary.

Look at pr those are joint decisions the rest you decide for your home.

PashPash · 28/09/2017 20:32

At the moment you are rolling over to him about everything in order for 'stability '

Take a longer view......

In 20 years time will your dds be more empowered, rounded human beings with a healthy attitude to relationships (Especially their relationship with you and with their future partners) if they see you capitulate on everything and behave like a downtrodden employee? Or will they observe you setting healthy boundaries, even in the face of some short term unpleasantness?

I think a little short term unhappy stability is well worth sacrificing here.

Original poster
nigelsbigface · 28/09/2017 20:53

You are all right I know...and yes mimi I'm slowly training myself to respond more slowly to his emails and texts...spot on there...

If I jack the job in I will be able to finish my retraining quicker so there is one advantage-next year when dd2 is at high school with her sister life will be immeasurably easier I hope. So it's a year of being poorer, but finish my retraining, and be there for dd2 who needs one of us home around school times. So not all bad and I do have a longer term career plan even if it's a bit risky and I'm being pushed into it a bit by circumstance.

I don't usually bother with anything but bought cake for the bake sale...but dd1's is some sort of cake contest and as she's only just started year 7 she is still keen Smile. I only ever meant him (or me) to buy the ruddy bake sale buns for dd2...

Re commitments for the girls- school stuff, outside of that they do a sport which there are a lot of fixtures and training to manage. We always have Christmas and their birthday s together (so far)...nothing else really...

OP posts:
Original poster
nigelsbigface · 28/09/2017 20:56

The dd's absolutely never hear me complain about him, or my workload as opposed to his...so I don't think they are aware of any inequality in the division of labour or if they are it's just how it's always been...
Other than this eve actually as he hadn't sorted dd1's form out properly and she was worried about handing it in and called him to ask him herself as she knew he was doing that part..

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 21:21

Your dds do know. That's why she called him. It's not a bad thing that they see some of this. What would quitting your job do to your finances? I think if you did you would definitely continue to do all his work as well as theirs because you'd think oh he has work and I don't. This is a bad thing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2017 21:39

It sounds as if he earns well. Can you negotiate an increase in maintenance to offset a decrease in pay? You are again rolling over and doing his job as his job is to be there for his kids on his evenings, not rock up af 7 pm and later. Why can't he pay for someone to pick up your dd?

EverythingWillBeGreat · 28/09/2017 21:58

look giving up your job so that you can do what YOU want (retraining, earning more etc) is one thing.
Giving up the job to keep him quiet and have an easier life with your ex is another.

I would advice some counselling for yourself. I think you are keeping the roles you had when you were married. He is the boss and everyone does as he says. You roll over/Keep,all the plates in the air/have the peace keeper role.
The thing is you are now separated and you CAN drop that role. It's important you drop that role. For your own self esteem actually.

Original poster
nigelsbigface · 28/09/2017 22:22

I could manage for a year with some part time Lower grade than mine now work...but it would be tight. The principle
Reason for it though is that dd is having a few issues and needs a parent (me really) around. So even if he would up maintenance or pay someone to pick her up, I'm
Not sure that would be best for her. (I dont think he would be willing to do either anyway).

OP posts:
Original poster
nigelsbigface · 28/09/2017 22:26

I've been having counselling for the best part of a year and a half...believe me this is a vast improvement on what I was when I started the process....still a ways to go...

I guess the point of the thread was to see if I was being unreasonable in being annoyed...(if my feelings about other stuff to do with our marriage break down was making me irrational about the workload discrepancy). At least I know it's fair to be a bit fed up with how things are-and I've been given some ways of broaching that with him to think on-so I'm glad I started the thread and Thankyou all for your comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
nigelsbigface · 29/09/2017 07:39

In fairness he did text this morning to day thanks for sorting the cakes out-to give him his due-and he doesn't often do that...

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 29/09/2017 07:51

You do realise he's only after 50/50 so he then doesn't have to pay you maintenance?
He wants you picking up his slack (at your own expense) and he still gets to exert control over you/your life.

DON'T agree to 50/50 when you're already doing 60/40...tell him to go via legal route to increase his 'access' to his dc if he is actually serious about it.

blackteasplease · 29/09/2017 08:34

My blood is boiling for you OP but I agree with the PPs who have all said you need to completely change the way you deal with him. You've probably spent years trying not to upset him but this no longer needs to be the case. You can send fizz's email or something like it and keep calling him out when he isn't doing what he should be.

blackteasplease · 29/09/2017 08:46

And I agree he is one of the growing band who want to say 50:50 so as to avoid maintenance and look like a good Dad without actually doing 50:50.

Don't let him have an email trail that supports his pov either. Keep a diary of whenever you pick up the slack.

SandyY2K · 29/09/2017 09:57

I don't suggest creating hostility and responding harshly.

Just remind him you receive school notifications and don't need him to resend them to you.

Funny enough my Dsis complains That my BIL does this... forwarding messages from the school that she already has. She just forwards the same message back to him...and they are not divorced. It's him trying to make out he's on top of things.

Original poster
nigelsbigface · 29/09/2017 10:13

The maintenance and child care split have been agreed and I dot think he is after changing it at the minute...it's only just been finalised...with his current job he couldn't have the kids anymore than he does anyway...So I'm not so concerned re that...

The forwarding of the emails etc to make it seem like he is on top of things and not me does slightly worry me though. He will often text to reiterate arrangements we have already had in place but write as if he is instigating the discussion for the first time which I've always found odd, now viewing with a degree more suspicion-one to keep an eye on anyway...always good to be alert I suppose...

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 29/09/2017 10:23

Have you tried putting your out of office reply on while the kids are with him? Smile

Original poster
nigelsbigface · 29/09/2017 10:59

No-by I might Grin

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 29/09/2017 11:36

Oh I love the out of office reply idea!! Absolutely brilliant.

MerryMarigold · 29/09/2017 11:39

In fairness he did text this morning to day thanks for sorting the cakes out

Patronising. I expect he thanks his secretary for buying his mum flowers for her birthday too.

Original poster
nigelsbigface · 29/09/2017 11:41

Probably...but there has been a distinct lack of manners from him lately so it's a move in the right direction.

OP posts:
FoxyinherRoxy · 29/09/2017 11:44

Oh nigelsbigface are you seriously grateful that he texted you to say thanks for doing what he should be doing?! He’s only doing that to keep you sweet and make himself look good.

It’s all smoke and mirrors. He isn’t actually doing anything you aren’t doing yourself, and he isn’t doing anything more than the bare minimum.

As my ex used to say to me ‘why have a dog and bark yourself?’

All I see here is manipulation.

Original poster
nigelsbigface · 29/09/2017 11:53

Not grateful particularly-just less annoyed marginally because at least he's shown some manners which he hasn't for a while....

OP posts:
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