To want my exh to stop treating me like an employee?

[nigelsbigface]

Communications from my exh re our daughters are becoming increasingly Manager (him) to employee (me) in tone.To date I have managed to find this amusing as opposed to annoyance inducing-(in particular his fondness for ludicrous management speak which always makes me feel lucky that we aren't together any more). However I wonder if I am being unreasonable in starting to getting annoyed?

He insists we have 50/50 responsibility for the kids (in practice I have them 4 nights, him 3, frequently less when he is 'away' or 'out'-which I'm happy with-I'd have them them more if he would agree to it).

This week there is meeting scheduled this evening at school to discuss something re our dd. He has been aware of this since the beginning of term. I reminded him about it last week. He sent me an email on Monday to say ' just to ensure you have this in your diary as I am out'. It's my night with the dd's and, yes I had it in my 'diary' (as I had reminded him of it) and I had planned to go, but had thought he would also attend given his being so keen to have 50/50 responsibility for the kids. I didn't reply other than to say 'ok'.

There was some prep to do for this meeting which I have done, bar one form which he did, but made an error which I will now have to go out of my way to sort out after work on my way to the meeting.

Yesterday he forwarded me 2 parent mail's (which I already receive myself-something he is aware of) to inform us there is a cake competition at dd1's school and a bake sale at dd2's tomorrow. I replied something flippant about it being short notice.Last night was parents evening which we both attended,ending at 6. He said to me afterwards-'have you sorted the cakes out?' I replied that I had been to the shops and bought some stuff but as I hadn't been home, had had no chance to do it-and as he knows, I have a regular volunteering thing I do on a Wednesday (his night with them). I suggested he sort one cake out-buy it-and I'd do the other. He laughed and said 'I don't think I'll be doing that'... at which I was a bit .
Today he has forwarded me an email containing a form in which kids sign up for after school clubs, which again we both received via parent mail yesterday. He had written 'you may want to to do this with dd2 this evening as it needs to be in by tomorrow and I didn't have time last night'. He got in with the girls at 6, they go to bed at 10, not sure what they were doing for 4 hours to rule out filling in the form.

He is aware that I am leaving work early to get the girls from after school sports today, then taking both to the meeting with me, feeding them/homework etc, then apparently making a pair of cakes this evening...as well as needing to catch up on the work I have missed due to the leaving early..( to avoid drip feed dd2 is proving to need someone to pick her up from school at the minute for various reasons, where she used to walk home on her own, and this has been me to date, which is causing some issues at work.He has not offered to assist with this-we both work full time, though I am nearer home-he agrees this is necessary but hasn't offered an alternative suggestion to me doing it daily).

I am apoplectic re his email today...I can't even find it slightly funny. AIBU to be annoyed? Or am I just overreacting due to stress re dd2 and having a lot to do? Genuine question..
And is it even in any way possible to get it through to him that a) I'm
Not his PA and b) having responsibility for the kids means contributing to everything with them, big decisions, meetings, bloody bake sales, not just delegating it all to someone else (me)?

Ok so fair enough if you want to be there for your daughter after school. The problem is that if you look at this time on paper, you're not doing it. You're this invisible helper picking her up on his days , so in paper he's a great dad. While you are sacrificing your career without a husband to support. He needs to either formally acknowledge that he doesn't do those times ( and what concessions will he make) or you not do them.

Agree with what the majority are saying.
a) is irrelevant, and ignore it as you always have done
b) is not. he needs it pointing out to him that as he insists in every other arena that care of the children is 50:50 then he needs to share the responsibility 50:50. If the obligation to do something falls on "his" night (eg cake making/providing or collecting DD2) then he needs to see to it. If there is a general obligation (eg prep for a meeting) then it needs to be shared or alternated. Say that you are not willing to continue with a shared care arrangement without shared responsibility.

And please, for the love of god, tell him to stop forwarding emails to you which you already receive and to stop reminding you about things you already know about. If he had a genuine reason for thinking you don't know about something then of course a reminder is appropriate, but otherwise he needs to stop it.

Jeez Nigel, I read your OP without realising who the poster was and thought Onit needs to read this. She has a lot in common with this poster.

Im sorry its so hard for you. x

I know Cariad...and it's much easier for me to advise our onit, then act on my own advise myself! I'm absolutely my own worst enemy at times.

I know Cariad...and it's much easier for me to advise our onit, then act on my own advise myself! I'm absolutely my own worst enemy at times

I was just sitting here thinking of you. Both of us actually after the week Ive had. It struck me that we can be strong for Onit but we're perhaps not so good on occasion at being strong for ourselves. I think its just human nature and I think we should be kind to ourselves all the while knowing that others can see us through when we are struggling.