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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a holiday without flying?

108 replies

Springersrock · 27/09/2017 09:15

I'm terrified of flying - I'm really claustrophobic and the thought of being trapped in a plane terrifies me (yes, I've tried the fear of flying courses, etc, etc)

I usually get medication from my doctor and force myself, however, I never really enjoy holidays as I'm really anxious in the weeks leading up to the holiday and spend the whole time I'm away shitting myself about the flight home.

We're talking about next years holiday and I mentioned that this year I'd like to go somewhere we can drive/ferry to. That I'd like to look forward to and enjoy a holiday

This is really selfish apparently. DH and the kids want to go to Ibiza again and the whole family shouldn't have to miss out because of me.

I'm really pissed off with them all. Just one year is all I'm asking for. There are lots of lovely places we can drive to, AIBU to think I'm not really asking for much

OP posts:
Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 10:51

Thanks!

I've never really put my foot down and spelled it out to the kids. I've always tried to fake it till I make it, as I really don't want to terrify them. I hate it, that fear feels like it's going to choke me and I've always tried to keep it away from them

I'm pissed off that DH (who knows full well how I feel) has never said, actually Mum's right, let's try something else this year. My fear shouldn't affect the rest of the family - he's right, it shouldn't, but I've taken it on the chin, kept quiet and done it their way for years and I've had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 10:56

13bastards. Yes, the journey I was looking at was from Portsmouth. We live near Portsmouth so it would have been so easy.

They don't want to go though. Will keep trying to persuade them though, it looked lovely and the journey would have been much less stressful than flying

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 27/09/2017 10:57

Another vote for Portsmouth to St. Malo. It's a very pleasant boat trip and a big choice of coastal destinations.
I don't blame you for avoiding flights if they are not necessary. The whole business of airport parking, security checks, uncomfortable seats etc is a real pain.

13bastards · 27/09/2017 11:01

@Springersrock well done for making it through my typos- reading my post back it sounds like I'm drunk!! Bloody iPhone.

Hope you convince them, the ferry is a big adventure on itself.

MaderiaCycle · 27/09/2017 11:04

We took the train to Venice last summer and it was ace and cheap - felt like a real adventure. Early morning (10am) Eurostar to Paris, we had lunch and a bit of a sightsee, then got the sleeper train to Venice overnight. It's comfy, if there are 4 of you, you'd have the room to yourselves, they have a restaurant and bar onboard, and you wake up right in the centre of Venice!

Purplemeddler · 27/09/2017 11:04

The Channel Islands are lovely for a holiday and there is plenty to do for teens (and adults). You can either do a short flight from Southampton (30 minutes or so though the plane is very small so if you do have a phobia it's probably not the best option despite the short time) or get the ferry from Poole or Portsmouth. Or you could go to St Malo and get the ferry over to Jersey for a day trip from there.

Verbena37 · 27/09/2017 11:06

When you say they won't do that trip by rail and ferry, why won't they compromise? You're going on their hot hol to Ibiza so they should help you get there and go with you!

Or go to Scotland, Cornwall, Copenhagen, Iceland, Greece by ferry etc
There are tons of places you can go without flying.

I never fly....ever!

MrsSkeletor · 27/09/2017 11:09

I think it would be selfish to deprive everyone of a much-loved sun holiday due to your phobia. Meeting them there sounds ideal.

FoonaBaboona · 27/09/2017 11:10

We've just been to Normandy (took our dog too so got the Portsmouth to Le Harve ferry as they have dog friendly cabins).

The coastline between Honfleur and Caen is beautiful. Loads of stylish resorts like Cabourg and Deauville/Trouville and miles and miles of golden sand.

Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 11:10

I'm not sure I can sell them on the ferry adventure - we have to use them all the time, but it would certainly be a million times easier than flying.

I'm definitely up for the overland journey if they're deadset on Ibiza again though - peace and quiet, good book - I can't wait actually Grin

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2017 11:13

Oh OP I'm glad you've found a solution (in fact doing that journey alone sounds rather bloody marvellous. Time alone! An adventure! Excellent!) but I can totally get why you are hurt by their attitude. Especially DH

When we go on the overnight ferry to Holland btw (from Harwich) it's a really exciting start to the holiday. We love it

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2017 11:14

I think it would be selfish to deprive everyone of a much-loved sun holiday due to your phobia.

Really? Just once? After the OP has effectively deprived herself of any sort of real holiday at all for years for their sakes?

guilty100 · 27/09/2017 11:29

I know someone who has been terrified of flying his whole life. And I mean petrified. He's at the top of his field, yet he's never been able to go and enjoy the accolades he gets at conferences etc. because he hasn't been able to get on a plane.

He's finally had treatment for it - now he's retired - so that he can go and visit a family member who is emigrating a long way away. He had exposure therapy and it's REALLY worked. He's now flying long haul for the first time. (I also know someone who was petrified of spiders who actually held a tarantula after the same therapy).

I do think your DH should be more understanding of your issues. He really needs to listen. BUT (harsh as this may sound) I also think it's your responsibility as a grown adult to take reasonable steps to try to mitigate the effect of your phobia on your life and everyone's around you. If you've already tried every therapy in the book and are still terrified, that's a totally different scenario from being terrified and not confronting it. (

NinonDeLenclos · 27/09/2017 11:31

YANBU - they're the ones being selfish.

Brittany is nice, but if you want to convert them to France I'd go to the south. Brittany won't be as hot as Ibiza.

The ferry from Portsmouth takes so long it would be quicker to drive to Dover and go through the tunnel.

Alternatively get the train to London and you can go straight from St Pancras - Avignon straight in the high season with no change at Paris (About 5 hours?) Then hire a car.

ArcheryAnnie · 27/09/2017 11:40

It's pissed me right off that they've called me selfish - I've put myself through it for years for their benefit

This would piss me off, too, OP. You haven't had a proper holiday in years because of this.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 27/09/2017 11:51

What's their reason for not cruising? So many good ones from Southampton!

Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 11:51

I have had some therapy, but not CBT - my doctor referrered me to a counsellor but it was just general counselling. They suggested some things (like putting an elastic band round my wrist and pinging it when I felt anxious) but it wasn't much help. I had a few sessions of hypnotherapy a few years ago and I did a proper fear of flying course, but they didn't help. A friend of mine is a pilot and he's taken me all over a plane and gone through everything with me. I understand how it all works, I'm not actually worried about us crashing. It's being inside something I can't get out of.

I've coped with drugs and gritting my teeth on short flights

I will go back and ask about CBT, I've never thought of it and the gp didn't suggest it.

I just want to go on holiday like a normal person - I want to go to New York, visit friends in New Zealand and Australia. The fear pisses me off but it just takes over

OP posts:
Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 11:55

Not sure why they don't want a cruise. They (the kids mostly) just want villa/pool/beach holidays I think.

I'd never been keen but my Mum went a few years ago and loved it so I wondered about giving it a go.

OP posts:
guilty100 · 27/09/2017 11:58

Springer - I apologise, you've clearly tried loads of stuff to no avail. Flowers

I wonder if you need a specific therapy, not for flying, but for claustrophobia. Because no amount of explaining how a plane works is going to help if what you're actually afraid of is enclosed spaces!

Have a look at exposure therapy - this is what the two people I know had, and it was very effective indeed. I think you want something specifically for phobias, and not general counselling.

manitz · 27/09/2017 12:02

just out of interest what drugs help? your thread has reminded me that I'm being forced to fly next summer for the first time in 15 years. I can not get out of it without long term consequences.

Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 12:16

guilty no worries! I'm happy to try anything to be honest. It's getting worse to the point getting stuck in my own jumper made me cry

Most people seem to look at it as a fear of flying and treat it accordingly. It's not really addressing the root cause

manitz - diazepam

OP posts:
manitz · 27/09/2017 13:46

Thank you very much

13bastards · 27/09/2017 15:29

@manitz I was prescribed Lorazepam when the diazepam stopped working. It could be worth an ask to your GP. I've weaned myself of them now- I've done 2 long hauls and 4 short drug free in the last year so it's not a permanent crutch 😍

A fear of flying is hideous but it can be overcome, I find long haul so much easier than short so your dreams of NZ may not be impossible @Springersrock when I went for Hypno I was very cynical but I do think it's helped- I can watch planes on tv now without coming out in a cold sweat.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 27/09/2017 16:07

YANBU. I'm not scared of flying but I find it boring as hell and hate the checking in hours before, usually at silly o'clock. Next holiday I have will be done via the Eurostar, mainland trains and ferries as at least the journey will be interesting and it's great being able to relax and get a feel for the country whilst getting to the destination. As you said, you can meet them there.

NinonDeLenclos · 27/09/2017 16:08

Cruising's for when you're nearly dead.

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