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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a holiday without flying?

108 replies

Springersrock · 27/09/2017 09:15

I'm terrified of flying - I'm really claustrophobic and the thought of being trapped in a plane terrifies me (yes, I've tried the fear of flying courses, etc, etc)

I usually get medication from my doctor and force myself, however, I never really enjoy holidays as I'm really anxious in the weeks leading up to the holiday and spend the whole time I'm away shitting myself about the flight home.

We're talking about next years holiday and I mentioned that this year I'd like to go somewhere we can drive/ferry to. That I'd like to look forward to and enjoy a holiday

This is really selfish apparently. DH and the kids want to go to Ibiza again and the whole family shouldn't have to miss out because of me.

I'm really pissed off with them all. Just one year is all I'm asking for. There are lots of lovely places we can drive to, AIBU to think I'm not really asking for much

OP posts:
nottwins · 27/09/2017 10:03

We'll drive up to about 12 hours for our holidays (lots of DC so flying works out v expensive) and with enough snacks, ipads/portable chargers, DVD players etc it can actually be quite a nice family bonding time.

Possibly different with teenagers, but can't they just retreat into their own worlds with earphones in??

Anyway, you probably won't change their minds, and may have to meet them somewhere (travelling alone could be rather lovely Wink), but no you are definitely NBU to want some consideration of your feelings.

JoJoSM2 · 27/09/2017 10:06

I think they're being unreasonable but maybe they'll change their mind when offered a cool alternative?

Could you rent a camper van and drive that around Europe including a few days in the Med? You could sell it as a fun road trip with a bit of beach thrown in rather than a ridiculous journey in a stuffed car.

juneau · 27/09/2017 10:11

Two teenagers calling you selfish? I wouldn't take that too seriously OP, since teenagers are, by definition, selfish themselves! Self awareness doesn't generally strike until a little later than 13 and 16. I'm surprised your DH isn't more understanding though since he clearly knows how much you've suffered in the past to give your family the holiday they want. But if you're happy to travel separately, then do that. You'll get some nice time to yourself and your DH can deal with the kids, airport, hire car, etc. IMO that's a win-win situation for you!

manitz · 27/09/2017 10:14

I don't like flying. There is a bit of fear but also if there are delays it can be really annoying, take time and be expensive - like when there was the volcano in iceland and airport strikes. We once went to the canaries and delays and cheap flights at antisocial hours meant it took about 12 hours and we stayed somewhere really soulless.

The other reason I don't like it is because I don't want them to add a runway in london so I decided 14 years ago not to fly unless longhaul because I don't want to be a hypocrite - so we explore europe by car or train for holidays or the uk. The effect on your carbon footprint of travelling by plane vs car or train is immense so if you are trying to live within a carbon allowance a flight will blow it away. Do your kids care about anything like that? it's their future planet. The journey to ibiza sounds easy by land and would be really fun, you could do a night in barcelona on route.

Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 10:16

Thanks all!

I've suggested campervans and cruises to no avail.

I've had a look at the overland journey to Ibiza and it's quicker and cheaper than I thought so if they're set on Ibiza, me meeting them there is do-able

It's their attitude that's pissed me off more than anything though

They all pipe up with "I want to go here", "I want to go there" and that's Ok

I say I don't want to fly again, can we go somewhere else and I'm selfish

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 27/09/2017 10:16

I do use the train and get it sometimes for Europe, although the weird thing is that I get anxious on trains not the actual travelling but making the connections etc. I get nervous I will get stuck in the middle of nowhere. I appreciate it is not really rational but it is based on some experience..

We used to get the train to Italy regularly when I was child (in the days when it was cheaper than flying!) and use couchettes/sleepers which sounds great in theory but we had a couple of trips go quite wrong which coloured my view somewhat. On one memorable occasion we got the train from Kings Cross to the wrong ferry terminal and ending up missing the connection at Paris , then having to cross Paris to get on the last international train laving that night at 10pm with standing room only to Milan!.

I was about 12 years old and travelling with my mum, Aunt, younger sister and two cousins (one of which was 3 years old) . We also had an elderly relative and their son with us . I still remember the journey to this day (and not in a good way) and I am 52 years old ! .

However generally I will get the train but my main issue is not being able to go further afield easily. Trips to places outside Europe mainly. Also I find that international trains end up being considerably more expensive than flying nowaday, ebven when you take into account getting to and from airports etc - which is ridiculous really

Anyway I think getting the train while they fly might work for you. It would also be an adventure (if you like train type adventures)

Ttbb · 27/09/2017 10:16

Ibiza is a bit of a boring place to holiday. It's not like they are missing much.

Lweji · 27/09/2017 10:18

I bet they'd find the land trip much more interesting.

I'd insist that this is the year you choose where to go.

DamsonGin · 27/09/2017 10:18

It would bother me more that my DH would be calling my anxiety selfish. They're saying they don't want to miss out on a holiday they want but would be happy for you to be unhappy the whole time while there are alternative options?

I'd go for the train and ferry option and let them know you'll meet them there.

mogulfield · 27/09/2017 10:21

Oh and as someone who also had horrible claustrophobia/agoraphobia I highly recommend CBT, it changed my life. I couldn't stand planes, but also couldn't do lifts/cable Cars - my life was quite restricted... So I had to get it sorted.
I now fly no problem, it's genuinely been a cure for me.
Although it takes time, so for an imminent holiday go with my ferry/train suggestion! Smile I enjoyed it, I met some lovely people on the train.

DamsonGin · 27/09/2017 10:21

Oh, and my DB has done the train down to Barcelona and said it was perfectly comfortable and straightforward.

CardinalSin · 27/09/2017 10:23

In the summer you can get the Eurostar direct to Marseille (or Lyon or Avignon).

But in your case I'd suggest what you've already thought of, let your DH deal with the kids for a couple of days, and take your time on the train and boat, enjoying stopoffs on the way, and loving the peace!

Frazzled2207 · 27/09/2017 10:32

We've had great hols in Brittany in the past. Overnight boat Portsmouth-St Malo is lots of fun and loads of options within a couple of hours' drive.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 27/09/2017 10:33

Damson I love getting the train to Barcelona! We get the Eurostar to Paris, have a mooch around, have a lovely dinner somewhere then board the train at 9ish. Have a couple of drinks, off to bed, then you're there at 7.30am! Lovely way to travel.

Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 10:34

I can't cope with lifts or anything like that either. Even motorcycle crash helmets. I got stuck in my own jumper the other day and panicked. It was awful.

Will look into the CBT, I've done a fear of flying course which didn't help in the slightest.

I am actually quite upset that they can't be more understanding for 1 bloody year. DH especially. The kids know I don't like it, but DH knows how genuinely terrified I am

DH usually has to deal with the kids at airports/on flights anyway. I melt into the background a bit as I don't want to put the kids off. He does get a bit impatient.

I quite liked Ibiza, but didn't enjoy it - I couldn't sleep, anxious about the return flight so I wouldn't mind going back and properly relaxing.

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 27/09/2017 10:35

That's very much what my DB did. Very civilised way to travel.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 27/09/2017 10:37

Springers this is so rotten of them! The train to Barcelona is fab! You see the landscape changing if you get the day train, it's so beautiful. And I can't even imagine how exciting the ferry is, love ferries.

I bet you anything your DC will want to come with you once they realise what fun that's going to be.

FiveShelties · 27/09/2017 10:37

No you are not being unreasonable - a holiday is supposed to be fun. I am at the moment in Dubai airport en route from NZ to UK and flying is just not fun in any way!

You have let the rest of the family decide over the last few years - time for them to let you have a go - who knows they may all have a fabuous time.

DamsonGin · 27/09/2017 10:39

In the nicest possible way, it could be a win win option then if you travel independently, at least while flying is an issue. And just think, you can take your own wine and cutlery onto the train!

NotACleverName · 27/09/2017 10:41

What’s the objection to a cruise? In my mind it’d be perfect. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every one I’ve been on.

corythatwas · 27/09/2017 10:42

Several members of my extended family avoid flying for environmental reasons, not even because they dislike it. They still manage to have great holidays all over Europe. The train is very fast these days, there are ferries not only to St Malo and Calais, but to the north of Spain as well.

The way I would look at it is, there are 4 members of your family, each deserving equal consideration. (and yes, you really have to spell this out to teenagers because this is not the way they naturally think) You have done it their way several times (and suffered in the process), it is only fair that they should do it your way for once. If three members of the family like blueberry tart and the fourth prefers strawberry, that is not an argument for having blueberry every single time because majority vote.

Original poster
Springersrock · 27/09/2017 10:42

I found a lovely house in Brittany (even had a pool). Overnight boat to St Malo then a couple of hours drive.

Journey is longer, but spent asleep - IMO, no different to staying in a hotel near the airport the night before (which we did this year due to an early flight)

I'm relieved the overland journey to Ibiza is perfectly do-able, feel less anxious about next year.

Thanks all!

OP posts:
13bastards · 27/09/2017 10:44

I'm similar in that I'm terrified of flying, I used to take drugs and still spend the whole time away stressed about coming home.

However my want to travel, and show the DC more of the world has made me try and overcome it (I didn't want my fear to pass onto them, I inherited it from my mother)

Have you tried hypnotherapy? It's taken the edge off enough that I can fly without drugs and hysterics- it wasn't that much money really.

TheABC · 27/09/2017 10:45

I now wat to jump on thw train to barcelona! We have the opposite problem here - a DH that struggles to stay still for half an hour and two preschoolers who don't sit down at all! I have reluctantly agreed no flights abroad until the kids are old enough to be bribed. The compromise is DH driving to wherever we go.

You are not being selfish, OP. Take the train.

13bastards · 27/09/2017 10:49

@Springersrock are you getting the Portsmouth- St Malo ferry? It's fab if so.

St Mali is also an lovely little even if you have time to spend there, not sure if I've kissed how old the kids are but there's a fort out at sea and an aquarium that's pretty good.