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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away from my husband

96 replies

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 02:34

My husband left me 4 weeks ago. He had a breakdown, is on antidepressants and is signed off work. BUT he's seeing another woman, he's lied about who she is (told me that he met her in work, but she's actually a mutual friend and the mother of one of my son's ex friends - although she does work in the same company, that's not how he knows her. In fact, when her marriage broke up, I was an idiot and asked him to keep an eye on her, because she had been crying on my shoulder about her abusive husband! 😡) And the real rub, is that he doesn't want to support me and the kids financially, as he wants to get his own place. Now, I've been to a solicitor and she has said that I will be entitled to at least 1/2 the equity in the house, plus maintenance and a good share of his pension. If I sell the house here, I can afford to buy a decent sized house, elsewhere and be completely mortgage free. I don't want to spend the equity on paying rent, which would be far more expensive than my current mortgage, but I can't take the mortgage on in under my sole name, either.

OP posts:
LondonLassInTheCountry · 27/09/2017 02:42

Do it. You must think about your self

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 02:50

Can he stop me?

OP posts:
NotTheCoolMum · 27/09/2017 03:00

His maintenance payments must surely be taken into account if you did want to keep the house and take over the mortgage?

Don't let him shaft you and the DC. Get that maintenance. Fight all the way.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2017 03:17

Can he stop you? Possibly. He can't stop you personally, but he can theoretically stop you from taking the children, which would of course, in effect, stop you. My BFF had a clause in her divorce prohibiting either parent from moving the children out of the county without the other's permission.

Now, he can't stop you from moving with the children before any court papers are filed. But if you need the proceeds from the sale of the house in order to move chances are there will be some type of child access agreement in place.

You need to speak to your solicitor about this specific issue.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 03:19

I'll fight for the maintenance but as I understand it, the bank won't take it into account as income, nor benefits, so while I could afford to make the payments, the bank won't let me take over the mortgage, unless he is on it, but neither will they let HIM take out a second mortgage while he remains on the family home. And he wants his own place, so I may have no choice but to sell

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 03:22

*may be able to afford the payments, depending on how much he pays - he's saying £260/ month 😳
He earns £5,000/ month! 😡
We have five children, all living at home right now, but only two still in school. I can charge the oldest two rent to stay with me, but a) I'd prefer not to (or not a great deal anyway - they already pay something and save towards their own deposit for a home) and b) they don't want to stay at home forever, and I don't think they should be forced to, in order to support ME and the younger children. That's HIS responsibility, not two kids on minimum wage!

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 03:30

acrossthepond
I wasn't talking about going abroad, just a couple of hours away. It would no doubt make contact more difficult for him, but then he could just pay a decent amount of maintenance.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2017 04:09

You can't just take the kids abroad. That would be child abduction, which holds a maximum penalty of 14 years. You would lose custody at the very least. Stay in your house. He has to pay the mortgage otherwise it will be repossessed. You don't have to agree to take his name off the mortgage. Only the courts can make you sell the house. The best way to protect your children financially right now is to stay put and go through the official channels for maintenance payments. He's not offering enough considering his earnings.

Shadow666 · 27/09/2017 05:16

It sounds like selling up would be best for both of you. Why not have a chat with Ex and suggest you sell up and split the equity? He might readily agree.

How old is your youngest child? It seems like they are older so visitation should be less of an issue. I mean, if they were 3 and 5 then moving so far away would make contact awkward but if they are teenagers then it is really up to them to sort out visitations. They can get the bus/train to see their dad, but there's also the possibility they might want to stay in the town they are and that might make things difficult. I assume the older ones have stuff going on, jobs, partners, social life? I can't imagine they will all be pleased to move away.

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/09/2017 05:24

I would assume you can move anywhere within the UK without any sanctions. Doesn't sound like he'll be too bothered in any case Sad

Phillipa12 · 27/09/2017 06:10

When my ex and i divorced i moved 200 miles away. Ex went to see a solicitor to see if he could stop me and our 3 young dc moving and the answer was no because i was moving to be near family support (was none where we were living). I would go and see a solicitor just to be on the safe side.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 06:11

I'm not talking about taking them abroad
I want to go somewhere cheaper, maybe a hundred miles away
My youngest is 8

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 06:13

I'm think I'm tied until 2019 really, when DS3 finishes school, as DH has told me 😡 that my DS can't live with him, and he needs to complete his A'levels, but I could then go before my DD2 starts comp.

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Shadow666 · 27/09/2017 06:28

I think it's all very raw at the moment. I understand totally why you want to move away but you both might feel different with time. Your Ex may also feel different if he stays on his meds and gets over the depression. I think you both need to give it more time for the sake of the kids.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 06:31

So do I, shadow66 unfortunately he's on a speed train to get himself a new place of his own and can't see anything else. I'm trying everything I can to stall him 😢

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GreenRut · 27/09/2017 06:33

Sorry if I've missed a detail but you need to divorce him to force the house sale and get the equity out, which you can then do what you want with. If he didn't agree to you moving then I think you can still put a case forward and if the judges were convinced it was in the best interests of the children then they might over rule him. Could be a very long expensive process. If you really are talking about 2 hours away though and you committed to facilitating the contact I can't really see what that's got to do with him though.

Decorhate · 27/09/2017 06:35

I wouldn't rush into making a decision. It's early days yet & you are still adjusting. Please do see a solicitor. My understanding is that he can't make you sell the family home while the children are young. If he earns £5k per month he can pay maintenance and rent somewhere himself.

PoorYorick · 27/09/2017 06:35

Move wherever you need to (legally). What sort of cunt earns £5k a month yet refuses to support his own children after cheating on their mother? Protect the kids, this worthless pig won't.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 06:36

So he can't force the sale of the house and has to pay the mortgage, unless I divorce him? But what if he doesn't pay? I've been told that HE can't divorce ME

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 27/09/2017 06:41

I think you need to be guided by your solicitor here. With 5 kids you will probably be entitled to a greater percentage of the house.

Get on to the CMA - I think they have a calculator on there. Your H will still be liable for mortgage payments in the meantime.

Do you work?

Sorry he's such a bastard op.

TheBakeryQueen · 27/09/2017 06:49

Maintenance will be a lot more than £260 a month on his salary. You'll be absolutely fine financially. I would stay put. His choice to leave. Tough shit if he can't get another mortgage. You don't have to sell until youngest leaves full time education (think that's right) and I would be staying right where you are. Stability is best for the kids.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 06:55

He would like to go to mediation, rather than solicitors, if possible to keep costs down. I can't decide whether that's a good idea or not. I don't have the money to pay for solicitors, but I'm not sure I can round a table with him right now - and I kind of want someone who is fighting for ME (kids) rather than for him as well, if that makes sense.

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stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 06:57

It's a win actually

You lose the abusive husband and you have carte blance to leave him and start afresh

I know it's horrible painful and daunting but he is off your responsibility list

Leave , make a new and happier life Flowers

Mary1935 · 27/09/2017 06:58

OliviaBenson will her husband be responsible for the mortgage payments if he's left? Hi OP did your solicitor say he'd have to pay any spousal maintainace to you. To be mortgage free would be lovely and take a burden from you. 100 miles isn't far - I think you usually meet half way from what I've read on here. Sorry your going through this and it is still very early for you - if mortgage payments become difficult talk to the mortgage company and let them know your situation. They can be helpful. He's a fool if he thinks he can just walk away and leave it all to you.? I hope you have some real life support.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 06:59

If you have a kindly download a bestselling book about family law (Marilyn Stowe)

It's worth investing some time to read and educate yourself and not be 100% reliant on the lawyer

Mediation works if it's 2 kind and sensible people

But if he likely to turn raging bull .... lawyer better x