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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To move away from my husband

96 replies

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 02:34

My husband left me 4 weeks ago. He had a breakdown, is on antidepressants and is signed off work. BUT he's seeing another woman, he's lied about who she is (told me that he met her in work, but she's actually a mutual friend and the mother of one of my son's ex friends - although she does work in the same company, that's not how he knows her. In fact, when her marriage broke up, I was an idiot and asked him to keep an eye on her, because she had been crying on my shoulder about her abusive husband! 😡) And the real rub, is that he doesn't want to support me and the kids financially, as he wants to get his own place. Now, I've been to a solicitor and she has said that I will be entitled to at least 1/2 the equity in the house, plus maintenance and a good share of his pension. If I sell the house here, I can afford to buy a decent sized house, elsewhere and be completely mortgage free. I don't want to spend the equity on paying rent, which would be far more expensive than my current mortgage, but I can't take the mortgage on in under my sole name, either.

OP posts:
Lenl · 27/09/2017 11:36

Child maintenance calculator says if your gross income is 5k a month and you pay for more than 3 children and have then stay 1 or 2 times a week, then maintenance amount would be 169 a week (or 732 a month)
I'm sure he knows and won't want you to go through cms

DistanceCall · 27/09/2017 11:39

Lawyer. Mediation is for amicable splits. He seems to see mediation as a way for you to agree to be paid less (i.e. as a way to shaft you).

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/09/2017 11:54

there is a legal matters section on Mumsnet which is frequented by quite a few solicitors including family lawyers where you might get better responses to the technicalities.
BUT answering some of your questions:

  1. YOU can divorce him
  1. He is lying about the level of maintenance he would have to pay
you via CMS.
  1. In a mediation both parties are supposed to come to the table
having made full disclosure about finances.
  1. In a situation where on parent has given up employment to car for
children the split is frequently higher than a 50/50 split.
  1. To be frank quite often firms that offer the free half hour quite often use trainees to conduct this interview and then they go away to look up/discuss your situation and it will go over the free time etc. In my opinion you are better off going to someone more senior initially as they can answer your questions straightaway. This doesn't necessarily mean someone expensive. There a legal executives whose charge out rate may be a lot lower than a partner's rate but have just as many years experience.

Please bite the bullet and seek proper advice.
It certainly looks like he is trying to shaft you.

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/09/2017 11:54

Please excuse all my typos!!!

ItsOutThere · 27/09/2017 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shallichangemyname · 27/09/2017 12:08

Family lawyer here.
Some completely wrong advice being given.

International relocation: I know you are not intending to go abroad, but the PP who said if you did you'd face custodial sentence and lose "custody" (not called custody since the 1980s, it's called "residence") of the children, that is wrong. Theoretically it's a criminal offence but it wouldn't be pursued in this way - you'd be brought back pretty swiftly under the procedure/law set out in the Hague Convention on International Child Abduction - often you make it a condition of agreeing to come back (which you do if you have no defence, and the defences are extremely limited) that no criminal complaint will be made etc. In any residence case, the court would look at who is best placed to care for the children, you wouldn't automatically lose them for having gone.

Internal relocation (ie within the jurisdiction of England/Wales): theoretically he could stop you taking the children, not stop you going yourself (as a PP pointed out this effectively stops you going). If it ended up in court, it would look at what is in the children's best interests. have a look at these cases:
www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed153303
www.leavetoremove.info/latest-relocating-children/uk-relocation-not-abduction
The last one was where W just upped and went with no notice and H did not succeed in bringing the children back.
There is plenty of information if you google internal relocation.

If you are serious about this you need to try to avoid any sort of shared care arrangement, and to restrict H to alternate weekends and possibly a midweek (which is really the minimum these days) - he strengthens his position if there is a shared care arrangement.

Your solicitor should be able to advise you about this.
You'd need to have a good reason for wanting to relocate, and not just financial - eg some connection to that area, old friends, family etc who would provide a support network etc.

Maintenance: not sure how you've been advised you're entitled to 50% of his income. Maintenance is assessed on need. You could get more than 50% or less, there's no magic formula.

In fact, there is no magic formula at all, either for income or capital. The starting point after a marriage of any length is 50%, but need is a primary factor, and the welfare of the children, so you could justify a need for more than 50%, particular where H is a high earner and could get a mortgage. Every case turns on its unique facts, so don't be persuaded by a friend of a friend who says "well I got X" because there may be something about her case that made it very different from yours. Sometimes there is a "Mesher" order, which means that after the children are grown up and gone, you have to sell and repay a proportion to H so that you end up with 50:50 in the long run. Sometimes if W just gets a shade over 50% you wouldn't bother with a Mesher. Sometimes you can also choose to offset the pension entitlement, leaving H with his pension and taking more of the value of the home as a quid pro quo. There are lots of different options.

Maintenance and mortgages: in my experience (personal and professional) maintenance is counted as part of your income by mortgagees - I had to produce a copy of my court order in my last mortgage application and my maintenance was counted as income for the purposes of assessing how much they'd lend.

shallichangemyname · 27/09/2017 12:16

Sorry, one more thing - legal fees.
Legal fees is a genuine element of an interim maintenance need (ie what you get between now and the final settlement). So you are entitled to say you need X per month (or X from any savings/capital) to fund your legal costs.
I also meant to say don't let on to him you may move unless you're advised to by your lawyer, because otherwise he'll use staying as a bargaining chip by making offers conditional on it, and getting a clause put in the settlement that you can't move away.

EDSFI · 27/09/2017 12:46

Honestly yes! Give your children the stalibitly of a family home which can not be taken away from you. If he's at all bothered about his kids he could move closer as well, maybe somewhere in the middle he could commute to work from but that little closer to his kids. I doubt he would do this through as he's shown zero respect for you or his children.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 14:19

Update, he's sent his payslip and a pension valuation (although not an official one, just a figure on an email)
He's told me that he's now in a relationship with this woman.
Now the fight starts!

OP posts:
shallichangemyname · 27/09/2017 14:25

Get full financial disclosure and proper detailed legal advice prior to mediation. You can't mediate if you don't know what your entitlement is, and your best/worst case scenario.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 14:35

OP, genuine query, divorce battle asdie, wats the rationale for moving 100 miles away? I am just thinking the to uproot the kids from their school kight be very upsetting for them and will add to the burden for you. Cant you stay where you are, and get somewhere smaller cheaper.

Likewise, he is still their dad and acess is going to very hard 100 miles away . I always read about people having to drive their kids to see their other parents etc

just curious

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 14:43

stopfuckingshoutingatme
It's quite simply a multitude of factors, I've felt for a while that I've "done" here and always hankered after returning "home" to South Wales. (We were actually planning to go together in two years) My family are all there. Housing is far cheaper there, than here. Here I could just about afford to buy a two bed flat, with the equity I would have. There I could have a four bed, detached house with a large garden.
I don't want to stay on this house without him, I never liked it when we bought it, but it was the best we could afford at the time.
I'll stay until my son leaves 6th form, and goes to university. I'm hoping to go to university in South Wales myself next year - only a few places offer the course I want to study.
My youngest daughter, will still have a year before she goes to comp.
My oldest son is intending moving out and going to South Wales himself, next year. My older daughter has been planning the move with us, for the last 6 months - and may even end up moving to London to study. My second son, is a plasterer and at the moment works here and is happy, but is intending going self employed in two years whatever happens.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 15:06

that makes such sense, I was anticipating wee primary aged babies but as you say, they are growing up, and it all seems to fit

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 20:45

Having heaved a huge sigh of relief after finding that DH is now happy, and I don't have to worry about his mental health (or not too much anyway) I decided to put my horns on tonight and have some fun!
As I say, his new "friend" was a friend of mine, but some time ago blocked me on Facebook and has been avoiding me for a long time. When he still refused to tell me who she is, I told him that I actually know anyway, that I've always known, that I just wanted him to say her name aloud to me. He didn't believe me, so tonight, I messaged a mutual friend asking for her mobile number 😈
This mutual friend WILL know all about the relationship between this woman and my husband, without any doubt. I've had a panicked message back, saying that she can't give out mobile numbers (despite the fact that I am supposed to be her friend and claimed to have just lost the number) and that their social lives were really busy right now and they couldn't possibly go out for a drink with me 😈😈
Little things, please little minds when the devil drives!

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 27/09/2017 23:20

It sounds like you have a better idea in your mind if what you want to do. I'm sorry this happened to you. Best of luck!

SonicBoomBoom · 28/09/2017 00:08

This mutual friend is not your friend, OP.

I'd cut that friendship entirely.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 28/09/2017 05:28

Thanks all

OP posts:
RarelyInfallible · 28/09/2017 05:48

Just be careful how much of your strategy you give away on here, in case any of these unfriends are mumsnetters.

LindyHemming · 28/09/2017 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/09/2017 07:17

I agree to fuck that mate and fuck the mind games . It will ONLY hurt you in the long run

The best way to avenge is to educate yourself in the legal issues (and whilst this thread is a good place there is a lot of
Misinformation )

Save texts save emails and be one step ahead

It's hurtful but you will be better of back at home FlowersFlowers

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