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Original poster

To move away from my husband

96 replies

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 02:34

My husband left me 4 weeks ago. He had a breakdown, is on antidepressants and is signed off work. BUT he's seeing another woman, he's lied about who she is (told me that he met her in work, but she's actually a mutual friend and the mother of one of my son's ex friends - although she does work in the same company, that's not how he knows her. In fact, when her marriage broke up, I was an idiot and asked him to keep an eye on her, because she had been crying on my shoulder about her abusive husband! 😡) And the real rub, is that he doesn't want to support me and the kids financially, as he wants to get his own place. Now, I've been to a solicitor and she has said that I will be entitled to at least 1/2 the equity in the house, plus maintenance and a good share of his pension. If I sell the house here, I can afford to buy a decent sized house, elsewhere and be completely mortgage free. I don't want to spend the equity on paying rent, which would be far more expensive than my current mortgage, but I can't take the mortgage on in under my sole name, either.

OP posts:
Yummymummy159 · 27/09/2017 07:06

I'd still go see a solicitor for advice before mediation so you know where you stand and he cannot then do you over and only give you half of the equity in the house when you could be entitled to more. From my experience if it's in the interest of the kids he could be responsible for paying for the mortgage and bills (and possibly spousal maintainance to you as wel as the kids?) as he needs to keep you all in the same lifestyle as before he left and it would be in the best interest of the kids not to be disrupted. His housing issue is not yours if he's that bothered he can move into his skanky new girlfriends house the dirt bag

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 07:11

The law is very much focussed on the rights of the kids and what's best for the children and that appears to guide things .
And the general vibe will be a stable home and a stable parent and stable income flow
Yes there will be a financial hit for both of you OP . As 2 houses will cost more

Read that book and start to get a diary and finances in order

You will survive this and taking positive actions and educating yourself will give you a sense of control

I am sorry through its painful painful painful Flowers

LadyLapsang · 27/09/2017 07:13

Your husband should not get to set the agenda here. He is mentally unwell and committing adultery. Think about divorce / separation and seek really good legal advice. You don't mention how many hours you work and your income, but on his salary I would be expecting a lot more than 260.00 pm for house, feed, clothe and care of 3 dependent children, and 2 semi-dependent young adults; plus spousal maintenance (unless you also earn 5k). I agree with TheBakeryQueen, my inclination would be to stay put in the family home until the youngest enters HE or work - he will have to pay you and live in rented. All actions have consequences and he now has to face his. Once he realises this, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to return - be prepared.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 07:16

yummymummy
She's living with a friend, after leaving her husband. I do wonder if that's what's behind the rush. (He told me that he didn't think he needed to pay any spousal maintenance even though we've been married for 21 years!) Apparently I would be unreasonable to expect him to support me! 😡

stop fuckingshoutingatme thanks for the book recommendation, I'll take a look

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 07:18

stopfuckingshoutingatme I can't find the book on iBooks

OP posts:
MonsieurBing · 27/09/2017 07:24

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned but I took out a mortgage with Halifax a couple of years ago as one of the few mortgage providers that count benefits and maintenance as income

LadyLapsang · 27/09/2017 07:25

Don't take your legal advice from him about spousal maintenance, get a SHL. You are the mother of his five children, unless he has parented equally (I don't get that impression) it is likely your career has taken the hit. The children need continuity and you need money. Don't be browbeaten. If he earns 5k a month, why don't you have access to money for legal advice? Don't tell me he has all the savings.

Bekabeech · 27/09/2017 07:28

Get a SHL!
Are you in England? If so the solicitor you talked to seems to be coming up with a very low figure for your share of equity in the house. (If you are in Scotland that is a starting point but you could get more).
He needs to support the three children in full time education. Don't forget his pension etc. in splitting assets.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 07:35

monsieurbing that's so helpful, will look into that, thank you 😘

The solicitor I spoke to, told me at we wouldn't accept a penny less than a straight 50/50 split, i.e. half his wages, half any savings, half the house and half his pension, but will probably be more.
He's won't even contemplate anything like that. The more I think about it, the less I like the idea of mediation.

Does anyone know if it's worth speaking to several solicitors, as they all seem to do a free first consultation, and then decide which one to actually use?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/09/2017 07:45

You need a lawyer. Sounds like it might also benefit you to become employed again, too, if you are not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2017 07:46

Don't you have joint accounts? If you don't have access to cash, he's being financially abusive. I think he wants mediation because he thinks he will get a better deal. With children and a stunted career, you will very likely be awarded more than 50% of the house. Can you get family to lend you money? Or find a lawyer who will take fees from assets once awarded? If he's (you both) well off, I imagine they exist.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 07:53

I'm working part time, and have just stared an Access course, so I can go into the teaching profession. I'm chasing overtime (no extra hours available right now) and have signed onto a teaching support agency, within the college.

We DID have a joint account, but it's been changed to his name only now. His wages go into that, mortgage and bills get paid from it. I got housekeeping money weekly. Which I'd admit was a joint decision, not just his, because I'm really bad with money - better learn fast 😢

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 27/09/2017 07:55

I have also taken out a mortgage with maintenance and tax credits counting as income, with Nationwide, but went to an independent mortgage advisor it was by far the easiest part of my divorce.

Get yourself a lawyer, whatever you pay now will be worth the return in a better settlement for you, do not let your ex dictate what happens now mine tried this and still tries to but do this at your own pace.

And mental breakdown my arse Hmm

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/09/2017 07:57

When the other party is begging you not to use a solisitor it is usually because they want to pressure you and bully you

MrTrebus · 27/09/2017 07:59

Haven't read the whole thread but OP YES YOU CAN use maintenance and benefits as acceptable income for a mortgage. Please find a decent broker on unbiased.co.uk and see a solicitor and get yourself sorted Flowers

MrTrebus · 27/09/2017 08:01

OP you need to complain to whoever you banked with. You need both customers signatures and permission to change from joint to sole on an account. Get complaining!

Maria1982 · 27/09/2017 08:01

Yes, do seeseveral soliciotrs! Use their initial free consultation to learn more.
Also different solicitors may have different views - it all helps you learn more.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/09/2017 08:05

Hi OP, yes I would speak to several lawyers and go with the one that you feel you can work with. Write down the basic information about your family, financial situation etc and take it with you so they don't spend the whole 1/2 hour asking for all this so you get more out of it.

Another point to note is that your ex cannot use a solicitor that you have already spoken to due to conflict of interest and vice versa. So get in first so you have first choice.

Wishing you well

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 08:12

Thanks for all the help guys!
Can I ask those who got a mortgage based on benefits and maintenance payments, did you remortgage your family home in your name alone? Or downsize? If remortgaging, did you have to agree to give your spouse any of the equity? Did it affect the maintenance payments (make them lower) or your claim on his pension?

OP posts:
MonsieurBing · 27/09/2017 08:14

Actually, thinking about it, my mortgage is with nationwideBlush

DownTownAbbey · 27/09/2017 08:15

My ex wanted to go through mediation to keep costs down. What he meant was he wanted to control the situation and bully me.

IMHO mediation is a bit shit generally and would be no good at all when dealing with an unreasonable arse like your ex.

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 08:17

I'm still waiting (4 weeks on) for his pension statement and payslip to be forwarded to me, without those I can't calculate anything 😡
Think it might be time for a visit to the solicitor again!

OP posts:
LakieLady · 27/09/2017 08:18

What a bastard! Sorry you're having to go through this, OP.

My experience of mediation was pretty poor. There was a point where the mediator could really have made a difference and my ex was teetering on the brink of accepting less than £90k (I has the house long before we married), but she failed to nudge at the open door. Pretty poor, considering it was £350 per session.

I thought you had to go through mediation before court these days.

(A few days after the mediation, I had to go to CAB with a client, and the mediator was volunteering there. I had to show her how to use the benefit calculation software, because she was useless at that too!)

usualGubbins · 27/09/2017 08:23

Have a good look around Wikivorce -
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ Don't be pushed into any decisions by your husband, be led by your solicitor. Certainly his offer of £260 a month is laughable - there are some calculators on the Wikivorce website, have a play with those.

RB68 · 27/09/2017 08:40

My advice is go in hard - he is looking to shaft you anywhich way by the sounds of it and just walk away with no responsibility taken. Your youngest is only 8 - there is another 10 yrs of sharing the support of a child minimum. You would be entitled to more than the min 50% on the house for sure, and you should look at clean break with child maintenance - which would mean you could be talking 70% plus of house esp after 21 yrs and if you have done most childcare and not progressed career as result.

System is a complete mess and I would def advise being on the ball in terms of your own knowledge and not rely on him, friends or even lawyers who after all can be good and bad