To move away from my husband

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

My husband left me 4 weeks ago. He had a breakdown, is on antidepressants and is signed off work. BUT he's seeing another woman, he's lied about who she is (told me that he met her in work, but she's actually a mutual friend and the mother of one of my son's ex friends - although she does work in the same company, that's not how he knows her. In fact, when her marriage broke up, I was an idiot and asked him to keep an eye on her, because she had been crying on my shoulder about her abusive husband! 😡) And the real rub, is that he doesn't want to support me and the kids financially, as he wants to get his own place. Now, I've been to a solicitor and she has said that I will be entitled to at least 1/2 the equity in the house, plus maintenance and a good share of his pension. If I sell the house here, I can afford to buy a decent sized house, elsewhere and be completely mortgage free. I don't want to spend the equity on paying rent, which would be far more expensive than my current mortgage, but I can't take the mortgage on in under my sole name, either.

Last question (for now anyway) if he doesn't send me details of his pension, payslip etc today, is it worth going to solicitor anyway?
The last one said she needed these documents to go into any detail, and I don't want to waste money running round the houses?
Can they take legal action to get hold of those details?

Be wary of taking legal advice from strangers on the internet. People mean well, but often don't have the knowledge to give you the correct advice

youhavetobekidding
I'm not holding anyone to anything, just want to garner some opinions really.

Go and get more legal advice. You can proceed without payslips etc. I thought that was what the Form E was for. Go and talk to some more lawyers.
You will probably have to try mediation - which if it works will save you money, but unless he massively changes his attitude it will be a waste of time. So then you can go to court.
It really isn't his decision - he had children and married you, the children have to be provided for and you have a right to the Marital assets (which include everything you shared for the last X years)

Please steel legal advice. At the minute your OH is wanting it all, new life, new woman and to shed his responsibilities to you and his children. Ain't going to happen, he doesn't have a choice about support.

My understanding is that he can't force the sale of the house whilst you have children in full time education. If you are the parent with care he can't take any capital from it during this time. You can continue to live in it but must be able to support you and the children, including from his maintenance, any tax credits etc. You are not allowed to move in a partner under this agreement and at this point the agreement would stop.
However you may choose to sell and agree a financial settlement so that you can both move on. With a very controlling ex, I took that option even though it meant downsizing. I was much more interested in the freedom of a 'clean break' including a larger share of the assets of the marriage at the point of divorce rather than a share of his pension in 30 years time. The threat of my ex moving back in with me, our children AND his OW was enough for me to take my share and run. I moved about 45 miles away.

Your OH doesn't call the shots here but really neither do you (said in a nice way!) There are rules and laws that protect everyone. I realised that no one is interested in the cause of the break up, much to my initial distress. I wanted the legal to make a judgement, - you have committed adultery, you have less rights- but it just doesn't work like that. But it was a fair process, in the end and quite clinical; spreadsheet like! - tot up all of the assets of the marriage, take off all debts, gives a total. Examine the circumstances, responsibilities and income of both adults, agree a percentage share based on this- some bartering!; divide the assets by the percentage to share out.
My solicitor also advised that we shouldn't divorce until the financial settlement was in place.

You need advice and you need time. He needs to learn that he isn't in charge and doesn't get to demand!

Sorry typo seek though maybe Freudian - steel some legal advice woukd be so much better!

Obviously see a lawyer and then move and be mortgage free. That would be brilliant.

Totally agree you should think about yourself. He hasn't considered you in any of this. Do what is best for you.

Find a good solicitor OP, take their advice.
Get everything you, and your children are entitled to.
Strike whilst the iron is hot, don't wait for him to recover, or for the tables to turn. Keep on keeping on, then you can carry on with your life.
He may, or may not be stalling you, for his own ends.

He wants mediation because he thinks he has more likely of getting his unreasonable demands if lawyers are involved.

Lawyers may seem expensive but they're much cheaper in the long run than losing what you're entitled to.

Definitely get legal advice - mediation only worked for me and Ex-H because we had the grand sum of fuck-all to share out (rented house, no savings etc) and even then he stopped the agreed child maintenance! Even the CSA/CMO or whatever they call themselves now will say he needs to cough up more - I get 90 a week which equates to about 20% salary after tax etc. Don't let him dictate the pace, def see a really good lawyer or several, and get hard - you are fighting for a future for both yourself AND your children.

Yes shop around solicitors; the initial consultation is free and honesty about your circumatsnace could lead you to getting possibly a discounted fee (don't quote me on that) but please please please please please please please get a lawyer.

You can't do this yourself. Your DH sounds like he could play shitball quite easily and ON PAPER it doesn't seem like you're being a grabby venge bastard or blatantly unreasonable; just someone who's acting in gone best interests of DC and wants a clean break.

Weird question; if your older DC are of age, would they be going to Uni/College away from home and would that influence your decision about where you'd move your family?

Please can people stop touting the myth that he can't force the sale of the house or take any of the capital. This is simply not true. You have to get a very specific order to be allowed to stay in the house until the youngest is eighteen, it's called a mesher order and they are hard to come by. Because regardless of the situation both parties should be allowed to move on with their lives. Mesher orders are generally only granted in extreme circumstances but you would need to speak to your solicitor re this and you would also need to decide whether you really want to be tied to him financially for the next ten years. Generally a clean break really is best even if you don't see it at the time.

Get legal advice. The court can force financial disclosure of income and pension if he won't provide the information. I would see mediation as a necessary step to get to court if he won't agree to a reasonable settlement. He should be paying around 25% of his income in child maintenance as you have 3 dependant children and you may be able to get spousal maintenance on top for a few years. £260 a month in maintenance is a joke when you could be entitled to five times that amount in just cm! Go back to the solicitor.

Do you have any bank statements that show his salary going into a bank account? It doesn't have to be the same account that he has now, especially if you can find a recent bank statement.

Don't listen to him. Greet everything he says with a pitying smile and 'You'll be hearing from my solicitor.' It's not up to him what happens regarding the house, maintenance etc. He has a legal obligation to provide for his children.
I wouldn't bother with mediation, either: he'll just whine and tantrum and it will be a total waste of time. Get a good lawyer and try not to rise to any of the XH's nonsense. Best of luck.

Yes do it. Get advice from a solicitor. Have you been the main carer up until now?

I really can't advise legally, sometimes a husband might get a prohibitive steps order. However unless you had 50/50 or he's the main carer, it would be unlikely to I think to stop you. Also, I think you do have to think of the kids and your ability to cope/parent. It's vital and more important than the Dad hanging on, more for control I think as if you had the kids best interests at heart you wouldn't undermine their main parents ability to parent.

I moved to get support from family and because I couldn't cope financially anymore. I stayed for 3 years though as I wanted to be kind to his dad - wish I hadn't. Three awful years struggling, no social life at all. Stressed with parenting and Ex was rubbish and horrible. When I moved it was the best thing ever, for me, and our child.

Be prepared to do some traveling though. Not all!

Ok enough of the "he says" "he says" OP - he is trying to "He says" you to shut up and do as he wishes.

You also say you are bad with money and you don't want to spend on a solicitor.

Your STBXH is a high earner, your have 5 DC and 21 years of marriage. YOU NEED A SHL (shit hot lawyer) if anyone in the world does. And they will be worth every penny.

This is your lesson for today - money spent on your lawyer will be money well spent.

Are you absolutely sure he has had a breakdown and is signed off and it's not just his way of leaving you and be with OW?

I think you're looking at this the wrong way because you shouldn't be thinking about him at all but what is best for the children.

How would they all feel about being uprooted? Have you talked to them?

You cannot afford to believe anything he says OP, you really can't.

I saw threensolicitors. The first two said 50/50 , the third said 60/40 maybe more.
In the end I got 72/28

He thought he got shafted. He was only earning £100k a year in Dubai! Diddums!

You can get a forensic accountant involved to find details of his finances. He would be expected to disclose these as part of the divorce proceedings.

Get a shit hot lawyer involved first. Someone that has your back. Get maintenance claim in as well via the CMS given that he has taken you off the joint account. Does he have any savings etc?

The clever people on the legal board here might be able to better advise. But you do need that lawyer!

Sorry, shouldve said I went with the third.
Yes it was expensive.£7.5 k but
Even though it was painful , do answer solicitors letters promptly. I was a mess, I was all over the place and had no mumsnet to hold my hand, so I probably inadvertently dragged things out.
I was probably in the middle of a breakdown and just did enough to get by.
So, be the best version of yourself as you can be. Be honest and upfront.
Judges like that
Not slimy toe rags.

You don't seem to be thinking about how it might affect the children to move them 100 miles away from their other parent. You seem to be acting in (understandable) anger.

There's a calculator here to work out how much he should pay. I've just put your figure of £5000 a month into it and it says £220 a week

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y

I took over the family home from my ex last year and maintainence absolutely did count as income. I didn't give him any of the equity either but we weren't married and he agreed this as I paid the deposit on the house originally.

Get some good legal advice OP and best of luck