Children's Consent

[mamatobabes]

AIBU to expect my mother and other relatives to comply with my request to only hug or kiss my child if SHE wants them to?

DD is 18 months. I read a very interesting article online a year or so ago about teaching children from early on that their body is theirs, and that they can say no to any unwanted physical contact at any time from anyone. After a childhood growing up having half my face kissed off by my relatives (nothing untoward!) and feeling uncomfortable about saying 'I don't want you to' in case I upset someone it made sense to me. So OH and I decided that we'd be respecting our child's decisions on hugs, kissing, tickling etc.

She is now at an age where sometimes she says no to cuddles and kisses. Even if it's me or OH, if she says no we don't do it. However, my mother plus a few other (well meaning) relatives are really put out when we say 'she said no, please don't kiss her if she doesn't want to'. It's all 'ooh Grandma will have to steal a kiss then' and 'oh Aunty is sad now, go on, be a good good girl and give me a cuddle'.

I don't think for a second that any of them are any sort of risk or threat. They are caring and loving. But I do think they should allow her to make the decision. Cue lots of huffing, comments of 'there are exceptions for grandparents, surely, it's ridiculous', 'what's the harm?' etc etc etc.

AIBU?

YADNBU. I too had a childhood being made to kiss ancient relatives, and people at church - one old boy always had a dewdrop on the end of his nose. YUK. However my DM did 'sort out' one of the Church Elders when his kissing became inappropriate........

This is not new.
There have always been people who think children are there to provide unlimited affection when they demand it.
But there have always been people who think its wrong to force children to kiss/be kissed/cuddle/be cuddled

My eldest kid are in their mid 20s and they were never forced to do it.

There is a difference between someone looking a bit downcast or being a bit humpy because a child wont cuddle them and someone trying to make them comply.
We cant do anything about the former. Not everyone finds it easy to back down and a surprising amount of grown adults are emotionally immature. If they don't press the point we just have to accept they are the way they are.
Something trying to make a child give affection should be challenged.

This may be something you need to spell out more explicitly?
I think it's a perfectly reasonable boundary to enforce though! I don't have much experience with kids, but recently spent time with my cousin's toddler and I was struck by how her parents ask her if she would LIKE to give aunty a hug etc etc. But thinking about it - it's excellent! I hated being mauled for hugs and cuddles by random relatives as a child and it's nice to see them boosting the toddler's agency.

And again, when she is tired or cranky or doesn't want to give aunty a kiss, she settles for a high five or a wave. So I think the kid is unfailingly polite, but she decides when she wants to kiss and hug someone else.

I can imagine older adults feeling resentful of it though - it seems like we all imagine kids should just be up for cuddles whenever we are? So might take some explanation from you for them to get it.

I'm very much of the respecting humans wishes regarding their autonomy. My DM & DF thought it was bonkers and once I'd explained it they really got it. MIL, FIL, SIL etc not so much. I still have to explain that no means no 🙄

'oh Aunty is sad now, go on, be a good good girl and give me a cuddle'.

Brilliant message. Emotional blackmail, equating 'good' with 'compliant' and all neatly packaged in 'your feelings aren't important, you're naughty if you don't service my needs'.

The trouble is these messages have been so internalised for so long that people say this kind of crap without thinking or realising what it entails. It needs to be called out, especially for girls.

I'm 50/50 on this one. Its ok to say no but I've found my child was practically impossible to reason with at the hairdressers, doctors, dentists etc. To them they said 'no' and I was no longer agreeing with them like I did with Nannys kisses and supporting their choice not to be touched.

Ive compromised with subsequent children and family get a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug on arrival but thats it, no continuous repetative hugging, cuddling etc unless its asked for. I've also had to ensure they absolutely can be touched by a doctor, dentist etc as long as I am with them.

I agree with you.

I hate the thought of a child having to do this.

However, I would remember that 18 months is still very young and maybe your well-meaning relatives are just enjoying showing affection to your DD because she's at such a cute age.

As she gets older, I would put your foot down more firmly with unwanted physical affection.

However, I would remember that 18 months is still very young and maybe your well-meaning relatives are just enjoying showing affection to your DD because she's at such a cute age

18 months or 18 years does not matter. Everyone has the right to say no to unwanted affection.

I don't think she's sat there at 18 months thinking 'hey, my body autonomy just got undermined there!' She's a toddler.

It's more about ingraining the message from a young age for me - for DD and other people.

I think if you (generally) start explaining to people that is about a toddlers bodily autonomy you will get eyebrows and people thinking you are a bit of a twat. They will not take anything you say seriously and have you down as a hippy dippy loon.

Explaining that you don't want him/her to be made to cuddle people if he/she is uncomfortable should be enough.

I don't disagree with you but these comments are all making this sound way more creepy than it actually is. Why can't a grandparent show a child affection without their permission? I'm not asking you to allow creepy Great Uncle Albert to kiss them on the lips but turning away from hugging Grandma is just rude. Children get to make choices and you can teach them all about stranger danger but allowing a close relative to hug your child isn't going to damage them.

Children get to make choices and you can teach them all about stranger danger but allowing a close relative to hug your child isn't going to damage them.

Yes because close relatives never abuse children! Most child abuse victims are abused by family/friends. Abuse of children by strangers is very rare.

Not creepy in the slightest.

"Give Grandma a big kiss!"
(Toddler) not going to them, showing clearly in face and body they don't want to right now, or saying "No"

Forcing it says clearly to the child, adults choose, not you. It's a little thing but as the OP says, it's ingrained, subliminal messaging.

Young kids in my wider family are often shy or grumpy when they first arrive and haven't seen relatives for a few weeks. Given a while to warm up they're free enough with the cuddles and lap sitting, but why would I want to force it on them? They're people, not dolls.

Why is turning away from someone hugging you rude?

So you send the message that you don't have to let anyone touch your body unless it's grandma or uncle so and so.. Basically you have autonomy over your body unless it's going to seem impolite, then you must let people touch you.
Risky.

we taught her that her body is private and to say 'respect my wishes' I'm really proud of her when she says / shouts it!

Politely turning down cuddles and being assertive is fine. But that ^^ is just being horrendously rude.

I'm an aunt and conscious of this with my nephew and nieces, though DSis wasn't bothered. So now I say "do you want a hug, a kiss or a wave?" when I'm leaving. That way they get a choice but are still acknowledging my leaving (DSis insists on something, so we agreed on a wave as a non-contact option). TBH, most of the time they want all three, which is extra special because it is THEIR choice.

Putting the boot on the other foot @MargaretTwatyer, would you not consider it horrendously rude if someone said to you, as an adult, 'give me a kiss then' - and when you said.no they grabbed you and kissed you anyway?

If that's not ok to do to an adult and would be considered rude/unacceptable then why is a child quite firmly asserting themselves saying 'No!' poor form? Because it makes the adult look/feel bad?

@PinkFlamingo888 I don't think my child hugging relatives will damage her. It melts me when I see her going into Grandma for a lovely big snuggle.

What I don't think is right is making her do that when she doesn't want to.

mama that's a load of balls. Because if an adult was to turn down a cuddle with Granny by yelling 'Respect my wishes' in her face they'd probably get sectioned and wouldn't find themselves very welcome amongst their relatives anymore.

Part of growing up is learning that there are norms of behaviour. That would include not yelling at relatives who love you and care for you and do nice things for you just because you happen to be in a bad mood or having a tantrum or are just a spoilt unpleasant child who expects to get their own way all the time.

If a child can do it politely that's fine. But teaching a child that it's okay to yell at their relatives if they aren't doing what they want is pretty fucking horrible. I think that child is probably going to have to respect a lot of her older relatives decisions to cut her and her parents out of their wills...