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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Look away now if you don't want to read an AIBU Christmas thread.

82 replies

Fedupface · 25/09/2017 12:25

Any moment from now I am going to get the Christmas call from my MIL. My DH says IABU over my attitude or rather he agrees with me but doesn't want to be the bad guy.

My in-laws think that because my parents are no longer around they have a free pass to spend every Christmas with us. My argument with my DH is that if my parents were around, we would see them at least alternate Christmases, sometimes a bit less than this if we are going away. I don't see why they have to be here every Christmas which usually includes Christmas Eve until late Boxing Day. My second, much bigger issue with this is that my DH is not an only child. He has a sister who is one year younger than him, so that makes her mid 40's. She is a fully functioning adult, with a decent job, own house and a long term partner. PIL and SIL take it for granted that she and BF are invited to our house at Christmas. So basically, I am having everyone over at my expense and labour most years. My SIL has never once offered to have PIL for Christmas and I don't think she ever will as she seems to relish the baby of the family role and thinks this excludes her pulling her weight with her parents in their late 70's. Whenever we have gone on holiday they all decide not to bother.

I have told my DH that he needs to tell his sister that from now on it is time to "take turns" to host PIL for Christmas. He doesn't want to say it, but the alternative is me getting really fed up and saying something in anger. Is there an alternative solution? I have tried to change things such as ask them to bring a dessert but they said it was too much hassle so just bought a ready made one from the supermarket.

Who IBU here? I need some tips on how to manage Christmases of the future which is fair to everyone, including me.

OP posts:
badtime · 25/09/2017 12:28

I would just tell them it wasn't going to happen, but I always struggle to understand why MNers can't just say what they mean.

If you can't just make a stand, then go on holiday over Christmas, and then make it clear that you will be hosting Christmas every other year at the most.

Shoxfordian · 25/09/2017 12:29

I think you need to call her and say you're not happy to always host Christmas so can she do it this year

Alternatively book a holiday over Christmas and break the pattern yourself

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 25/09/2017 12:29

Dh needs to tell her you are having a quiet Christmas at home this year just you and him (Dc?) but if sil hosts them this year you will next year.
If he won't then you should just text her. Less chance she can shoot you down mid conversation. .
Remind him he made vows to you not his dm!!

badtime · 25/09/2017 12:29

Oh, and if your husband won't tell them, you should tell them.

hidinginthenightgarden · 25/09/2017 12:31

Your DH is being unreasonable but seems as he obviously has no intention of telling them, I think you need to go it.

RuggerHug · 25/09/2017 12:31

If they don't do Christmas when you're not around tell him that's how it will be for everyone if he doesn't tell her it's her turn.

Moanyoldcow · 25/09/2017 12:35

Just take control. Call SIL and say you want to sort out Christmas and would like to be spared the responsibility of hosting this year. That it's a lot of work and you think it makes more sense to alternate going forward.

If she declines then I would say 'that's a shame - well, have a lovely day as I'm really not willing to host this year so DH and I will go away instead.'

No need to leave it to your husband if he won't get on and sort it.

sunseptember · 25/09/2017 12:54

such as ask them to bring a dessert but they said it was too much hassle so just bought a ready made one from the supermarket

well....isnt that bloody charming. Serve them all macdonalds and say making xmas dinner was too much hassle.

The problem is - people are busy with their own lives, and fall into a pattern very easily, sometimes very sensitive people do think of others and what they are going through but sadly this is not the case most of the time, esp if the son - your dh cant speak frankly and openly to his dp which is sadly oft the case.

So no one is thinking of you - just themselves which is why you need to wedge your needs in here, none of them will make that space for you.

Just say to Mil, I am so sorry but we cant do it this year

KC225 · 25/09/2017 12:55

Moanyoldcow has the right measure, call your SIL and say you want to talk about Christmas. Have. All your ammo ready, how many years you have hosted it and all the work. Say you feel you need a break and Christmas off every other year. Throw in the your are 40 have a lovely home and a responsible job if you have to.

Do it now with plenty of time

Babyblues14 · 25/09/2017 12:58

Just tell them that your not doing it this year. I'm having the same problem. My family usually come to ours for Christmas day but we have recently had a baby and my MIL wants us to go to her house.
I told everyone straight away that my mum would come to mine for lunch and then we would go to MIL for tea.
If it caused arguments I would just cancel it altogether and just have Christmas with kids and dh.
If they don't like it they can always have Christmas on their own and you can do your own thing too xx

Original poster
Fedupface · 25/09/2017 13:04

We can't afford to go away this year otherwise we would. Yes, I am sure I am going to end up dealing with this myself.

I don't think his sis will offer to host. His mum may offer instead and we will be expected to go there and spend a very low key Christmas with them all together as a family because if MIL doesn't have her family around her she will get upset.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 25/09/2017 13:06

Why not give them a list of NICE ready-made things you would like them to bring? Also chocolates, booze etc? Do something basic and easy to feed them (people are always going on about how Christmas dinner is 'just a roast' - I have no idea how to cook a Christmas dinner but I'd just give everyone posh sausages).

RhiannonOHara · 25/09/2017 13:06

YABU for minding that they bought a ready made dessert. Who cares?

But otherwise YANBU. Does your DH do any of the work at Christmas? If not, tell him he can have them over if he likes, but you will not be getting involved in planning/shopping/cooking/cleaning. You might be surprised at how quickly he finds a backbone.

I wouldn't call SIL. I couldn't be bothered getting that involved. It's his family at the end of the day.

lasketchup · 25/09/2017 13:07

This is so frustrating to read. Your DH is being unreasonable as he should be able to tell his parents its not fair to put all the Christmas pressure on you, but surely they should see that. We start our casual discussions about Christmas from now in our family and it’s usually sorted by November. We take it in turns. Because we’re not lazy and selfish!

When they call say you’re not doing Christmas this year, you done it last year, someone else’s turn to host you guys. Or suggest booking a restaurant to have lunch?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2017 13:07

Don't wait for her to call. It'll only stress you out and she might catch you off guard.

Call PIL and SIL soon, with a pre-prepared spiel, or send them all an email, however it usually works, and tell them you're not hosting this year. What's the worst that can happen, they get in huff and don't want to see you for a bit? Saves you the hassle either way.

Interesting, though not surprising, that DH expects you to host and leaves you with all the work. If he gives you any shit about telling them you're not doing it and putting an end to the assumptions, please remind him they're HIS family and he never does any of the cleaning, tidying, cooking, prep.

Put your foot down. It's your Christmas too.

tigerlil6571 · 25/09/2017 13:11

Either get your DH to contact your SIL to suggest that she hosts Christmas or suggest to your PIL that you all go to theirs on Christmas day and all help with food etc.

Original poster
Fedupface · 25/09/2017 13:11

sunseptember, you are absolutely right. I don't want to sound like a Princess but seriously, no one gives a flying one abut what kind of Christmas I have and I really look forward to it. It is a lovely and special time of year.

OP posts:
Juicyfruitloop · 25/09/2017 13:12

YANBU. Sounds like a nightmare. I would be honest and say no. Even do it by sister in law give her a call. She knows well what she is doing freeloading, some people will continue to take as long as it's offered.

You'll feel so relieved once it's out there, Christmas is not convenient for us this year, we are doing our own thing, do it sooner rather than later then they have plenty of notice. Otherwise invent a long horrible contagious illness mid December.

Yukbuck · 25/09/2017 13:12

Just say you can't afford it. If you are happy for them to come then reiterate that you can't afford to feed everyone so could they contribute x amount.
My grandmother has been at every Christmas since I was born well over 20 years ago. I treasure those memories and she's very old now so I know we won't have too many more.

5foot5 · 25/09/2017 13:16

Does your DH do any of the work at Christmas? If not, tell him he can have them over if he likes, but you will not be getting involved in planning/shopping/cooking/cleaning. You might be surprised at how quickly he finds a backbone.

^This!

Tell your DH you expect him to speak up to his family and make different arrangements and if he fails to do so leave him in no doubt that he will be the one picking up all of the extra work when Christmas comes.

Lionroar · 25/09/2017 13:19

We had this, we were expected to alternate between my family and dhs family every yeaso never got to just be at home with dc for Christmas, so a couple of years ago we told both families that we were not going to either and would be at home, the fall out was mostly over dramatic statements about ruining their Christmas etc. with no thought to our own. We have now spent the last 2 and plan to this year be at home, after the initial fall out its generally been ok since.

You just need to bite the bullet and ride out the crap storm

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/09/2017 13:20

Really DH should call and fix alternate years starting from this year at their house. Obviously that will fail, and you can't go away so on 23rd (sat) have a traditional christmas dinner for your immediate family. On the 25th something not tradtional (aka minimal outlay, prep, cooking etc) at a push claim it is traditonal somewhere in the world.

Lucisky · 25/09/2017 13:21

You will just have to be firm and say no, and that you want a quiet Christmas to yourselves. How about softening it with an invite for lunch between Xmas and New year, either at yours, or take them out somewhere. I know where you are coming from, I did it for years (until death intervened!), and I got very resentful of spending almost the entire time in the bloody kitchen cooking, and then there's all the bed making up and washing after. I was always stressed and exhausted and couldn't wait for them to go (so I could curl up on the sofa with a bottle of wine and not have to make inane conversation.)

becotide · 25/09/2017 13:22

Okay listen. Even if they all turn up, nobody can hold a gun to your head and make you roast a turkey.

Just after I hjad Ds1, some of exp's relatives let themselves into my flat and sat in the living room waitng to be entertained. Normally I would have resentfully done so but I was hormonal and tired, and I informed them coldly that I was going to bed with my baby. And I did.

I heard them let themselves out after about 20 minutes (when they realised I was serious, I think) and I learned an important lesson - other people's expectations don't have to inform your actions.

WeeMadArthur · 25/09/2017 13:23

Tell them that it needs to be a rota going forward, with MIL then SIL (or SIL then MIL) taking the next two years before your next go. It's not fair that all the work, not to mention expense falls on your shoulders.

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