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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Look away now if you don't want to read an AIBU Christmas thread.

82 replies

Fedupface · 25/09/2017 12:25

Any moment from now I am going to get the Christmas call from my MIL. My DH says IABU over my attitude or rather he agrees with me but doesn't want to be the bad guy.

My in-laws think that because my parents are no longer around they have a free pass to spend every Christmas with us. My argument with my DH is that if my parents were around, we would see them at least alternate Christmases, sometimes a bit less than this if we are going away. I don't see why they have to be here every Christmas which usually includes Christmas Eve until late Boxing Day. My second, much bigger issue with this is that my DH is not an only child. He has a sister who is one year younger than him, so that makes her mid 40's. She is a fully functioning adult, with a decent job, own house and a long term partner. PIL and SIL take it for granted that she and BF are invited to our house at Christmas. So basically, I am having everyone over at my expense and labour most years. My SIL has never once offered to have PIL for Christmas and I don't think she ever will as she seems to relish the baby of the family role and thinks this excludes her pulling her weight with her parents in their late 70's. Whenever we have gone on holiday they all decide not to bother.

I have told my DH that he needs to tell his sister that from now on it is time to "take turns" to host PIL for Christmas. He doesn't want to say it, but the alternative is me getting really fed up and saying something in anger. Is there an alternative solution? I have tried to change things such as ask them to bring a dessert but they said it was too much hassle so just bought a ready made one from the supermarket.

Who IBU here? I need some tips on how to manage Christmases of the future which is fair to everyone, including me.

OP posts:
Vandree · 25/09/2017 14:00

Its really hard isn't it, dealing with others expectations. I had to bite the bullet twice. After dh lost his parents his siblings(7 of them) were scattered around the globe and they used to come home to the parents house at christmas. It was the expected of us to carry on the tradition a month after getting the keys on our new house. I didn't mind the first year, offered to do stephans day dinner for everyone thinking that hosting would be alternated . It wasn't! Seven years that went on for until we booked a flight to New York for 1am boxing day night and siblings who were staying with us had to go stay with their sister. I felt bad for about 5 minutes. Passive aggressive I know though. Now we meet up a weekend before christmas and go to a local hotel for a meal and its lovely. No stress for anyone and everyone enjoys it. I do feel bad that they are all to the four winds over xmas because they dont have the family home to go to but thats just how it is right now when the kids are young.

My parents then assumed we would go to them for christmas day while my brothers were allowed off to different girlfriends houses. Last christmas when our children we 9,7&2 we sent a group facebook message which basically said we were staying in our own home this christmas and anyone was welcome but we were staying home. It wasn't taken well at first. Sticking to our guns for this year as well. We spend xmas eve and stephans day with my family anyway and its getting way too much.

You need to just send a group message now, include all the inlaws and your dh saying that it would be great if xmas dinner could be alternated and this year you and dh are having a quiet day to yourselves but would love to meet up for a meal over xmas in a local hotel.

NerrSnerr · 25/09/2017 14:07

Just tell them you won't be hosting this year and let them sort themselves out.

eddielizzard · 25/09/2017 14:10

'how about we go to sil's this year?'

'gosh i need a break from hosting every year! how about yours' or sil's?

i sympathise. all that work, expected of you year in year out with no reciprocation. no thanks!!

guilty100 · 25/09/2017 14:15

YANBU.

I suggest that you push for a rota: every other year you spend Christmas by yourselves and see PIL another day over the festive season. Then, in the alternate years, it goes one year at yours, one year at SILs. Means you do it once every 4 years, once every 6 if your PIL also take a turn.

XJerseyGirlX · 25/09/2017 14:24

Can you say something like

" oh are we having it at our house again this year?, I was hoping someone would take the pressure off this year and return the favour"

Swiftly followed by.. How about we come to yours instead?

XJerseyGirlX · 25/09/2017 14:25

Or tell your DH to cook and host himself and let you know what time to arrive home for xmas dinner :-)

Gentlygrowingoldermale · 25/09/2017 14:33

Or tell your DH to cook and host himself and let you know what time to arrive home for xmas dinner :-)

This and others similar. Or, as I posted on another thread,

DH = DickHead

Kintan · 25/09/2017 14:37

This makes me so mad on your behalf op. How dare your husband and his family have no regard for you having a nice Christmas. So disrespectfu and entitled. I agree with the pp - let your DH take care of Christmas this year if he won't tell them that this year you are going actually enjoy Christmas for once and not be the Cinderella of the piece!

JennyWoodentop · 25/09/2017 14:37

I agree with sending an email saying you won't host this year.

What would be a good outcome for you? Are you happy to spend Christmas with them but just want to alternate hosting everyone? If so, say that and make it clear it's SIL's turn this year.

Or do you actually want Christmas on your own?

Also what are the distances involved - do people live close enough to visit for lunch or a buffet supper, or is it so far that overnight stays are involved? I think that makes a difference in terms of what you can offer and how it will be received.

pallisers · 25/09/2017 14:38

If I were you I would send a text to all the in laws and your dh saying

"just giving you a heads up that we aren't going to host xmas this year as we do nearly every year. Planning a very quiet christmas at home by ourselves. I know it is early but should we plan a family dinner out before or after xmas? If so, lets agree a date so someone can book in time"

I'm all for including people at christmas but your in laws have had a good run of it and your SIL is just a freeloader. Let them have christmas together. And so what if your mother in law gets upset if her family isn't around her. YOU get upset if you have to host them. Why does her upsetness trump your very reasonable upsetness?

fizzandchips · 25/09/2017 14:45

YANBU
If you think SIL will refuse and you don't want to ask MIL then this year you have two choices assuming you do want to spend the day with them.
You could ask SIL to bring the crackers, wine/beer/soft drinks, Christmas cake and the cheese & biscuits she doesn't have to make any of it and ask MIL to make a pudding and bring a bottle of champagne/sherry/port.
Make a simple cold starter and whatever you usually have for main in the knowledge that everything else is bought.
Or
Alternatively do an online order including all of the above plus ingredients for lunch and ask MIL for a third of the cost and SIL for another third.

It's not just the assumption you'll host, but the lack of acknowledgement how expensive and time consuming it is that's probably what's really annoying.
Either way as soon as lunch is finished pour yourself an enormous glass of wine and announce your going to sit down and leave the washing up to everyone else.
I suspect everyone will continue to come to yours, but at least it won't be so expensive and you'll feel more in control.

ChocolatePHD · 25/09/2017 14:51

OP you've got to stand up for yourself here. They are taking the piss and it's leading to huge resentment for you. It's not fair to be the host every year, who can be arsed with that shit? If your dh doesn't want to rock the boat then fuck it, you say to them you're not willing to host yourself. Life is too short.

letsdolunch321 · 25/09/2017 15:01

Call both the MIL & SIL and tell them this year you are having Christmas on your own.

It's used to be the same each year when i was married. no more of that for me - spending time with people I don't want to be with - no thank you

SingingMySong · 25/09/2017 15:08

What do you actually want? Only to see them 50% of christmases, or to see them every year but your SIL to host half the time, or to have them come to you but with them contributing more and your DH doing the main cooking?

Getting that clear is your first step. Would you actually enjoy going to your SIL's? I'd rather host and be in my home with more control, but my DH does most of the christmas meal.

Nikephorus · 25/09/2017 15:48

Dear family,
This is advance notice that we won't be hosting Christmas this year. We feel we've got into a bit of a habit of hosting and catering every year and it's not as fun as it should be. So this year we're going to do something different just the two of us (or more if you have kids). We do want to see you all so how does everyone feel about meeting at [restaurant] for a New Years lunch? We'll bring your Christmas gifts and can have a proper catch up then.
Love DH name
This ^^ or Pallisers. All very pleasant, doesn't make it optional, and makes the point (without aggro) that you've been put upon. DH won't do it because he'll get hassled by MIL & if he's told that not doing it will mean he organises it it'll still be OP who ends up doing it because she still wants a decent Xmas for herself. So bite the bullet now & cancel family Xmas completely & make it your own relaxed one Grin

AngelsSins · 25/09/2017 15:58

God it's depressing to see that in this day and age, so many men leave their wives to cater for their own bloody family. It's HIS family OP, how has this become your job? Fuck that. Tell him that either he does all the work, or you cancel and have Christmas alone (where he should still be pulling his weight).

Eliza9917 · 25/09/2017 16:12

I have tried to change things such as ask them to bring a dessert but they said it was too much hassle so just bought a ready made one from the supermarket.

What a fucking cheek. I would tell them that it's too much hassle to shop & cook and host them and that they won't be let in if they turn up on my doorstep.

Original poster
Fedupface · 25/09/2017 16:15

Thanks for all the great and helpful responses.

What I want is to only spend 50% of Christmases with them and when I am with them SIL and I alternate hosting.

We actually all seriously dislike each other. I find it hypocritical that on Christmas Day we are all expected to act like we all get along when secretly SIL is hoping I choke to death on a Ferrero Rocher.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 25/09/2017 16:17

RhiannonOHara Mon 25-Sep-17 13:06:53
YABU for minding that they bought a ready made dessert. Who cares?

I think she's got a point if she's cooking the xmas dinner from scratch. How hard is it to knock up a basic cake at least?

Would they think the same if they were served ready meal xmas dinners?

thatdearoctopus · 25/09/2017 16:18

And would it make it any more palatable to you if your dh shared the load of hosting? Or does he already, and I've missed it?

RhiannonOHara · 25/09/2017 16:23

Eliza, yes, I've already addressed that in my reply to Anne.

TheNoseyProject · 25/09/2017 16:37

You've been really clear there op and that's good, you know what you want.

So tell them! We've been thinking about Christmas and we're going to start having every other one as just the 2 of us. Happy to share the hosting with sil/mil alternately on the other years. Having hosted for the last X years on the trot I'm rather hosted-out - not to mention the expense!

paq · 25/09/2017 16:42

OP I had almost exactly this scenario. Christmas was dictated by in laws. I didn't mind hosting but I did mind that the timetable, activities and menu were all designed to suit them. I put my foot down, said "this is how I want my Christmas from now on".

They went along quit, weren't necessarily happy but were polite enough to be gracious about it.

ChocolatePHD · 25/09/2017 16:48

IF you're all not even keen on each other then that's even more reason to say no! God why do we all feel we have to keep up the pretence just for a day where we eat food and give presents out? You do not have to see them, enjoy some time with just your own family and I bet you'll feel so relieved and have a great time.

Gammeldragz · 25/09/2017 16:50

I got around this by having our family Christmas dinner on Christmas eve. No one else in the family wants to do this, so we have it to ourselves and I spend Christmas day relaxing (after the obligatory in laws visit in the morning as they absolutely must see the DCs open their presents). Perfect...