Look away now if you don't want to read an AIBU Christmas thread.

[Fedupface]

Any moment from now I am going to get the Christmas call from my MIL. My DH says IABU over my attitude or rather he agrees with me but doesn't want to be the bad guy.

My in-laws think that because my parents are no longer around they have a free pass to spend every Christmas with us. My argument with my DH is that if my parents were around, we would see them at least alternate Christmases, sometimes a bit less than this if we are going away. I don't see why they have to be here every Christmas which usually includes Christmas Eve until late Boxing Day. My second, much bigger issue with this is that my DH is not an only child. He has a sister who is one year younger than him, so that makes her mid 40's. She is a fully functioning adult, with a decent job, own house and a long term partner. PIL and SIL take it for granted that she and BF are invited to our house at Christmas. So basically, I am having everyone over at my expense and labour most years. My SIL has never once offered to have PIL for Christmas and I don't think she ever will as she seems to relish the baby of the family role and thinks this excludes her pulling her weight with her parents in their late 70's. Whenever we have gone on holiday they all decide not to bother.

I have told my DH that he needs to tell his sister that from now on it is time to "take turns" to host PIL for Christmas. He doesn't want to say it, but the alternative is me getting really fed up and saying something in anger. Is there an alternative solution? I have tried to change things such as ask them to bring a dessert but they said it was too much hassle so just bought a ready made one from the supermarket.

Who IBU here? I need some tips on how to manage Christmases of the future which is fair to everyone, including me.

Rhianon I feel it wasn't the shop brought cake it was the words with it, I am sure op would have happily accepted the cake with different words than anything else was to much effort.

Op that's even worse if non of you get on. We don't host Xmas for in laws, it would never be good enough for them. I find it totally mars my Xmas even popping in one day to see them. They depress me, the way they do Xmas depresses me. Constantly talking about money and cost. Dh and I penny pinch all year Xmas is one time I like to have excess!

I just can't imagine people I disliked expecting me to slog away and host them.

I like the flogging horse mentioned earlier. You are allowing yourself to be flogged.

Come at it from a non negotiable but breezy angle.like pp email. Breezy light heatered but do it soon so all angst out of way now before Xmas.

sounds awful. insist on sil's place for just one day and get through it by consuming alcohol.

If they can't be bothered to bring anything (which is lazy and rude, imo) then can you ask them to contribute financially? Eg my mum and dad give either me or my sister (whoever's hosting) the money for a turkey as well as bringing nibbly bits, booze etc. The sister who's not doing the hosting then agrees to bring other items that are requested eg dessert (doesn't have to be home made) or something for starter (pate, prawns etc), booze, chocolates etc.

As a compromise, could you suggest every other year you all go out for Xmas dinner at a local pub?

OP it's all very well strangers telling you

• to take control,
• if DH won't tell them you have to,
• you should refuse to cook

But what would your DH say if you did? Would he back you up?
You say he doesn't want to be the bad guy, many men with domineering mothers don't, but you also say that actually he agrees with you.

If you took one for the team and said something to them, would he stand by you, or when his mother got upset would he turn it back on you that HE was very happy with the arrangements as they've always been and it was mean, nasty Fedup who was selfish by trying to change things and spoil it for everyone?

Well if DH ain't happy that OP took control then he can organise Christmas himself

Hand it all over

Presents cards wrapping food shopping church if you go, visiting and visitors - tell him he's welcome

What does your DH do?

Fedupface, in the light of you all disliking each other, I can definitely understand why you don't want to have them over for Christmas.

I suggest you do as others have said and tell them as soon as possible that you will not be hosting this year. You could suggest that you all go for a meal before Christmas, pubs and restaurants do Christmas menus which are cheaper than Christmas Day, and in view of their unpleasantness you would be free to leave as soon as you like afterwards and not suffer them for a whole day. You would have done your duty as they would have seen you and DH, but Christmas Day will be just for you two. Of course if they decline the eating out with you, well, you tried. DH needs to see this as a way out of more miserable Christmasses in the future. I presume he tolerates Christmas as it is because he's afraid to rock the boat?