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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Look away now if you don't want to read an AIBU Christmas thread.

82 replies

Fedupface · 25/09/2017 12:25

Any moment from now I am going to get the Christmas call from my MIL. My DH says IABU over my attitude or rather he agrees with me but doesn't want to be the bad guy.

My in-laws think that because my parents are no longer around they have a free pass to spend every Christmas with us. My argument with my DH is that if my parents were around, we would see them at least alternate Christmases, sometimes a bit less than this if we are going away. I don't see why they have to be here every Christmas which usually includes Christmas Eve until late Boxing Day. My second, much bigger issue with this is that my DH is not an only child. He has a sister who is one year younger than him, so that makes her mid 40's. She is a fully functioning adult, with a decent job, own house and a long term partner. PIL and SIL take it for granted that she and BF are invited to our house at Christmas. So basically, I am having everyone over at my expense and labour most years. My SIL has never once offered to have PIL for Christmas and I don't think she ever will as she seems to relish the baby of the family role and thinks this excludes her pulling her weight with her parents in their late 70's. Whenever we have gone on holiday they all decide not to bother.

I have told my DH that he needs to tell his sister that from now on it is time to "take turns" to host PIL for Christmas. He doesn't want to say it, but the alternative is me getting really fed up and saying something in anger. Is there an alternative solution? I have tried to change things such as ask them to bring a dessert but they said it was too much hassle so just bought a ready made one from the supermarket.

Who IBU here? I need some tips on how to manage Christmases of the future which is fair to everyone, including me.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/09/2017 13:24

Offer to host a get together on Boxing Day (buffet, SIL and PIL to bring dishes).

Tell them you're going out for Christmas Day lunch, or invited to friends, or whatever.

Angelicinnocent · 25/09/2017 13:27

Yanbu.

We alternate where we get together every year but DM always cooks regardless of whether it's my house or my brother's. She rights a list of everything needed for the meal and divides it between us. She brings turkey, ham and veggies etc. The host gets frozen stuff, fancy stuffing etc and the other gets crackers, wine and anything else easy to transport (2 hour journey between us).

Don't think I could handle being the host every year even with everyone contributing. You still have all the mess and rubbish to deal with.

Hissy · 25/09/2017 13:30

I'd be letting everyone know that I'd not be hosting. this year or any others tbh...

KC225 · 25/09/2017 13:31

You need to decide what you want to gain. Do you want to go to PIL? Why does she get to be upset on Christmas day? Who has cared about you all these years? Say no. Suggest a boxing day/new years day buffet and say toy will send out lists of what is needed nearer the time

Take Christmas back fedupface you've bloody earned it. Practice what you are going group say and then take them by surprise........ As the poster uptrend said, what is the worst that can happen?

Angelicinnocent · 25/09/2017 13:32

Omg writes not rights! I did have an education I swear.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2017 13:34

YABU for minding that they bought a ready made dessert. Who cares?

I imagine it's more the excuse about cooking one solitary pudding being too much effort. Which is a bit rich when the OP shops, pays for and cooks the entire thing every single year, plus does all the bed changing, washing up, tidying, making space etc with sod all thanks or financial contributions.

The only way to be a decent guest at Christmas is to turn up with an over abundance of food and drink offerings and gratitude for the massive effort it takes to host the bloody thing. Sounds like SIL still expects to be treated like the baby of the family, as if her presence alone is gift enough. Despite being a 40 something educated employed woman who ought to know and behave a bit better.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/09/2017 13:34

OP, this year will be different, because you are going to let them know that you are having a quiet Christmas at home, and that you have made a firm decision to start the New Year off, with a family lunch, at yours !
Or why not have Christmas dinner, in a nice restaurant, everyone pays their way.
Please be kind to yourself, it's high time for change, just do it ! 👍🏻😄

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 25/09/2017 13:35

If mil does host, send cardboard cut outs of you and dh and actually have a Christmas YOU want at home. .
If she gets upset that you don't go then too bloody bad! Wouldn't that be a quiet 2018 for you then??

Skinnydecafflatte · 25/09/2017 13:35

No it's not fair on you at all.

Just wondering, do you work op? Is it that they think (completely unfairly) that you have plenty of time to sort this.
Do you have children, do they assume the DC want to be at home?
How much does your DH do to help at Christmas? If let to him would he change his mind about who hosts?

I've been hosting both sets of parents for the last 8 years now, it's bloody hard work but neither set of parents could accommodate everyone. And distance too much of a factor. Year on year it has become easier and now we get monetary help to cover some of the costs and also help with preparation too.
In your case their doesn't seem to be any reason that you are hosting other than the fact that it easy for everyone except you. Shake it up a bit this year! I feel for you...

kissmethere · 25/09/2017 13:41

OP you have to say no and start now. Don't get involved in getting his sister to host just say you want a break from hosting. Won't they understand? If you really don't want to do it don't be guilted into it or keep obliging. Like you said no one gives a damn about how you feel about Christmas. They won't start consistently you make a stand.

ittakes2 · 25/09/2017 13:41

My parents live overseas so all my husband's family come to our house for Christmas each year and it's all funded by us. I can no longer stand my m'n'law, but I don't resent them coming as I do it for my hubby and not her. I also try and remember how in the past my hubby's family have been helpful or generous - it stops me feeling resentful about how Christmas is hard work and expensive. That said, we do try and go overseas every 3-4 years for Christmas so I can have a Christmas without my m'n'law. I know you said you can't afford to go away this Christmas - may be strike a deal with your hubby that you'll have them again this year as long as he promises you can go away next year? You might also want to check last minute deals especially ski resorts. We got an amazing ski deal once and it's because they can't guarantee snow that time if year. By the way, I can't ski - but there was something nice about Christmas in the snow. So another option is to ask your sis'n'law to have them saying you want to keep Christmas free in case a good cheap last minute holiday package comes up.

JumpingJellybeanz · 25/09/2017 13:43

I think you need to make them work when they're at yours. No sitting around waiting to be served while you run around like a frazzled headless chicken.

I always have extra round at Christmas and everyone mucks in. They all know it's expected and just crack on. I put a list on the fridge of every job that needs doing, in the order they need doing and the time they need doing. Everyone just takes the next job. It works really well because everyone seems to quite like feeling involved.

sonlypuppyfat · 25/09/2017 13:43

There's the expression, " you flog a willing horse" if you are prepared to do it all , they will let you. Does your husband expect you to be some sort of doormat

Butterymuffin · 25/09/2017 13:45

Tell them you're not cooking this year, it's someone else's turn. I would propose that you do one year at yours, one year at SIL's, and one year all going out to a restaurant. And tell your DH he doesn't get to hide behind you on this when he is putting everyone else's feelings ahead of yours.

Hayesking · 25/09/2017 13:45

Just say you don't want to do it any more!

chocatoo · 25/09/2017 13:47

I would send by email if they read emails as that way both SIL and MIL will read the same and you can choose your words with care. I would say that it's only fair that everyone takes their turn at Christmas and that this time it must be SIL or MIL. However, don't be disappointed when they don't make it as special as you would like.
An alternative is to say that you would be happy to go to a hotel or a restaurant.
If they usually stay over I would say that your house is out of bounds this year as you will be mid decorating so will need one of them to step up.

RhiannonOHara · 25/09/2017 13:47

Anne, I don't disagree, but I just thought the shop-bought dessert was the least of the OP's worries! I can see that it's sort of emblematic of their attitude though.

Chocolatecake12 · 25/09/2017 13:49

Take back control. Phone them before they have a chance to phone you.
Tell them that you are not hosting this year. Decide if you want to go to their house, and if not then firmly tell them your plans.
Have you decided what you would like to do instead? What your perfect Christmas would be?

RhiWrites · 25/09/2017 13:49

OP, your husband isn't going to want to rock the boat. So start by writing an email to the in laws and get him to read it.

Dear family,
This is advamce notice that we won't be hosting Christmas this year. We feel we've got into a bit of a habit of hosting and catering every year and it's not as fun as it should be. So this year we're going to do something different just the two of us (or more if you have kids). We do want to see you all so how does everyone feel about meeting at [restaurant] for a New Years lunch? We'll bring your Christmas gifts and can have a proper catch up then.
Love DH name

Amend as needed but seriously anyone who pitches a fit in response to that needs to give their head the proverbial wobble.

MaxPepsi · 25/09/2017 13:50

If they do come, serve up a one pot meal. So spag bol or chilli.
Yes, you will miss out on something you enjoy but may be worth it.
Just tell them it was to much hassle this year. Run out of wine/nice goodies etc.
Maybe then they will realise the costs involved both monetary and time wise.

I went to my brothers last year, I took the cheese board and desserts plus copious amounts of booze. The cheese alone cost over £30 and I'm a very savvy shopper no way would i have expected them to pay for everything.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 25/09/2017 13:50

Just send a very pleasant round robin email saying that from now on you would prefer it everybody shared the responsibility for Xmas - if everybody hosts once every three years it spreads the load and cost.
Which of them would like to host this Xmas? You'd be happy to contribute X and Y.

Textpectation · 25/09/2017 13:50

I've done this. It's hard the first year but you have to do it and be specific.

Don't wait for the email from your mil, send a message to your SIL and MIL today. State that the routine of the Christmas arrangement isn't working for you and you will be spending it on your own with DH. If you are up for hosting Boxing Day then invite people for a buffet then and ask that they bring desserts and you will provide savories (or whatever). I love seeing and people and hosting but only on my terms.

You've suited everyone else for years, so do what you want without fear, obligation or guilt. Why is you mil being upset more important than what you want for once?

I had to get my DH on side. I was so cheesed off that I just stated it was changing. I said it was ok for him take DC to ils at breakfast time or after dinner but I didn't want to. I was also happy to host an alternative. It's lovely when we get together, it's never on Christmas Day.

I hate the routine of alternative Xmas day, whether it's hosting or attending. So I don't anymore. It's only one day.

TammySwansonTwo · 25/09/2017 13:52

I used to love Christmas. Now it's the most bloody exhausting time of the year. This is your husband's circus, let him deal with his monkeys. Not you! Otherwise tell him it's his job to cook and to pay for everything.

Redglitter · 25/09/2017 13:54

Our family Christmas dinner is always either at my mum's or my brothers. I don't host because I don't have room. Wed be sitting in the living room with dinner on our laps - not ideal for Christmas dinner. Having said that no-one actually minds but then I do contribute to the meal. Last year I made the starter and supplied the dessert and Prosecco Smile

We all pitch in and help though. If we're at mum's I'll help her with dinner then my brother and I wash up. If we're at his my mum invariably ends up in the kitchen and I wash up assisted by my niece

Hosting shouldn't mean doing all the work. If they're coming to you tell them to supply a starter/main course etc When they're there say you need help in the kitchen or once dinners over ask who's on washing up duty.

But you need to put your foot down one way or another

Mamabear4180 · 25/09/2017 14:00

Yanbu I don't spend xmas day with anyone but my kids (and partner if I had one). I don't mind xmas eve or boxing day but for xmas I like to have my kids to myself. I think in the last 15 years I've spent 3 xmas's with family, 1 at my house and 2 at my sisters.

It's definitely you SIL's turn and I wouldn't go to the PIL's either. Just make a stand on it. It might be hard but you can't go on like that forever.