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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to Expect People To Believe I'm Happily Single By Choice?

98 replies

strawberrisc · 25/09/2017 02:43

Just that really!

I married young and it didn't work out. He's remarried to a lovely girl and we're still friends.

Didn't work out with DC's Dad but he's now married and has provided her with lovely siblings.

One last attempt - a single Dad. Didn't work out but we had a go.

After that a couple of "friends with benefits" who I'm still friends with but cba about the benefits.

I'm single but not alone or lonely. I love the simple things like watching what I (and DC) like on TV, going to bed at 7pm after work if the fancy takes me, listening to relaxation music in bed, stinky candles, total independence.

What is getting tiresome are my lovely friends constantly telling me "don't give up" and "you'll meet someone". They can't understand that I genuinely don't want to! I cba getting to know someone and dealing with a load of crappy baggage. I wouldn't mind but many of my friends are in relationships I truly don't envy!

I suppose it's like the Jennifer Aniston syndrome - she didn't want children but society can't get their head around it.

AIBU that this is finally starting to really annoy me.

OP posts:
Morphene · 25/09/2017 04:03

IT shocks me sometimes how wedded (pun intended) we are to the nuclear family aspiration...its so embedded in our culture.

YANBU to be pissed off that people can't get their heads around a perfectly reasonable way of life.

numbmum83 · 25/09/2017 04:10

I think the longer we are on our own , the more independent we become and people in rships can't understand this . Most people think we have to be part of a couple to enjoy life.
I've been single 4 years and I can't see me having another rship now. I'm much too independent and can't be dealing with controlling men and always having to think of someone else .

You only have to read the rship boards of this forum to know we ain't missing much and saving ourselves so much heartache and worry .
I can sleep easy knowing no one is lying to me or cheating on me ! What's not to love ?!

Original poster
strawberrisc · 25/09/2017 06:07

Thanks both! I'm very happy and comfortable with my choice but I was starting to wonder if people really thought that under my clothes my body was covered entirely in scales (a la Bridget Jones!)

And the relationship threads on here definitely help cement my feeling!

OP posts:
bottlesandcans · 25/09/2017 06:07

Probably because no one cares that much

Boredboredboredboredbored · 25/09/2017 06:13

I feel like this too. I separated last year from my h of 15 years and he has just announced he is seeing somebody now. Cue lots of....oh it'll be your turn soon....don't worry the right man is out there.....etc. It's like my future happiness is solely dependent on meeting a man when the reality is I'm very happy as I am. Like you I go to bed early if I like, my dc are young teens so I have much more freedom than when they were little. I really like my life!

Original poster
strawberrisc · 25/09/2017 07:00

Ha ha ha bottlesandcans.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrisc · 25/09/2017 07:02

Bored x 5

That's just how I felt after the third relationship. I'd been with partners from the age of 15 and the sense of liberation has never left me!

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2017 07:04

yabu. you are overestimating people's imagination to think htat one could possibly be happy without the fairytale ending.

says more about them than you.

enjoy your lovely single life.

Roomba · 25/09/2017 07:08

YANBU, OP!

I'm in the same situation as you and it drives me mad dealing with the constant assumption that I must really want someone else. No, I really, really don't! Society is utterly obsessed with people pairing off and living the couple dream. When I defend my own views and want I am seen as being in denial. Very odd.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 25/09/2017 07:43

Three years ago, I came out of a 10-year relationship that should never have lasted that long. It made me really appreciate how much happier, healthier & stronger I am single.

Anyone who talks about me meeting someone else is greeted with a look of such undisguised horror that they never say it more than once Grin

Loopytiles · 25/09/2017 07:45

Yanbu and your friends are rude.

Yabu to say "one last attempt" - life can (hopefully) be long and althougg happily single you might, at some point, meet or want to meet someone you want a relationship with.

beCreativeInitiate · 25/09/2017 07:58

I think it is hard to understand how someone can think something so entirely different to you.

I've never lived by myself (parents, halls, student house share, DH) and while I enjoy the odd night to myself, I get bored and lonely very quickly.

I would never call you unreasonable or be as unsympathetic or rude to tell someone happily single that they'll find someone or that there's still time but I can't necessarily understand. I don't think it's too dissimilar to atheist vs religious. It's such a deep and personal thing that you can respect another's choices but never really understand.

FWIW, I wish I was happier in my own company doing nothing. I enjoy individual sports (surfing, bike riding (motor, mtb and road) and running but for other things I like company.

"I'm much too independent and can't be dealing with controlling men and always having to think of someone else."

If only some men weren't controlling, eh?

"You only have to read the rship boards of this forum to know we ain't missing much and saving ourselves so much heartache and worry.
I can sleep easy knowing no one is lying to me or cheating on me!"

The relationship boards are for people with problems. Do you understand the issue and biased data?

They do say cynics are just brokenhearted optimists. Don't pity people in relationships or act smug and superior.

IrenetheQuaint · 25/09/2017 08:05

YANBU. I am single by choice, have a delightful life and find pitying looks infuriating.

I have some friends in marriages which genuinely do work very well, and it's lovely to see them so well suited. Others less so.

ScrabbleFiend · 25/09/2017 08:09

You just haven't been single long enough OP. 10 years down the line and I don't get those sort of comments any more but I did for the first 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure whether people believe I'm truly happy or not (I am), but nor do I care. I do know a couple of people who seem to have good marriages but the majority of people I know put up with an awful lot of crap for the sake of having a partner, not for me, been there done that, never again.

NotTheCoolMum · 25/09/2017 08:29

If all your friends are in couples they probably just don't understand.

RollingGreenMarble · 25/09/2017 08:49

Same here. Only a year single and the comments...

"Give it time"

Ok.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 25/09/2017 12:51

They do say cynics are just brokenhearted optimists. Don't pity people in relationships or act smug and superior.

I know plenty of people who are blissfully happy in relationships. My parents still hold hands after nearly 50 years together & getting together with her partner is obviously the best thing that's ever happened to my best friend.

I just also know myself well enough to know that it's completely wrong for me.

Trills · 25/09/2017 12:56

I think a lot of people stay in unhappy relationships because they cannot imagine that it's possible to be happy and single.

raisedbyguineapigs · 25/09/2017 13:03

becreative Op sounds quite optimistic to me, and not cynical at all. She sounds confident and happy in her own body, as are many people who are happy in their own company. The bigger problem is the amount of people who crash from one relationship to another because they are so scared of not being part of a couple. How can you possibly know who you are if you are constantly having to compromise by being in a relationship, as you surely always do. I am happily in a relationship and have been for 15 years, but I was single before that for a long time. It teaches you to be independent and to like yourself without needing to be validated by someone else loving you.

BR62Y · 25/09/2017 13:08

Trills

A lot also stay because they can't afford not to. Financial independence should be taught to students. It is key to making good life decisions.

beCreativeInitiate · 25/09/2017 13:16

raisedbyguineapigs

That comment was to numbMum83 who I'd quoted, not the OP.

Sorry it was unclear.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 25/09/2017 13:17

YANBU. I may be weird, but I find the whole idea of finding a partner as the big life goal bizarre. I just don't get why everyone seems to thinks it's everyones priority and those who are single must be miserable!

I've never been interested in trying to 'find someone', I don't do casual sex either. There's much more to being human!!! If I happened to meet someone that's different and may be nice, but I have zero interest until I do actually stumble across someone which is a very rare occurance!

Why do others have such a hard time believing that and thinking we must be sad, lonely and desperate?

formerbabe · 25/09/2017 13:20

I'm not single but I've always said if I ever split up with Mr formerbabe (hope that won't happen), I'd stay single. I have lots of friends who are dating and the stuff they have to go through just doesn't seem worth it! A quick look through the relationships board on here would put you off too!

TheSparrowhawk · 25/09/2017 13:28

I agree entirely that there's too much focus on being in a relationship and that people stay in relationships because they're afraid to be single.

However, generally when you are genuinely happy with a situation, people can see that and they don't comment much. Also, when they do comment, it just flows off you because you don't care.

The fact that people do seem to comment to you fairly often and you are annoyed about it would seem to suggest that you're not entirely happy with the situation.

Being in a good relationship is amazing - the comfort and happiness from having a truly supportive partner who loves you is hard to surpass. But it's very very hard to find that sort of relationship. And it's fantastic to be able to be happy without it.

So, my advice would be, don't write love off. When people make well meaning comments, take it for what it is, which is a desire for people who care about you to see you in that lovely supportive relationship. And in the meantime enjoy the great life that you have.

opheliacat · 25/09/2017 13:29

I think I would be very, very lonely tbh.