AIBU to Expect People To Believe I'm Happily Single By Choice?

[strawberrisc]

Just that really!

I married young and it didn't work out. He's remarried to a lovely girl and we're still friends.

Didn't work out with DC's Dad but he's now married and has provided her with lovely siblings.

One last attempt - a single Dad. Didn't work out but we had a go.

After that a couple of "friends with benefits" who I'm still friends with but cba about the benefits.

I'm single but not alone or lonely. I love the simple things like watching what I (and DC) like on TV, going to bed at 7pm after work if the fancy takes me, listening to relaxation music in bed, stinky candles, total independence.

What is getting tiresome are my lovely friends constantly telling me "don't give up" and "you'll meet someone". They can't understand that I genuinely don't want to! I cba getting to know someone and dealing with a load of crappy baggage. I wouldn't mind but many of my friends are in relationships I truly don't envy!

I suppose it's like the Jennifer Aniston syndrome - she didn't want children but society can't get their head around it.

AIBU that this is finally starting to really annoy me.

Im single for lack of good offers. Had a lot of poor offers.
Being single is very character building i think. Along the way you learn to be on your own, you get used to that, you get used to being the odd single one out.. you get braver going plac3s on yr own.
I think after a good while single the offer needs to be very very good. And it so rarely is.

I'm very happy single. I heard somewhere that single women live longer.

I don't think it has to be an absolute.

Very few people are completely resolutely single in the same way that very few are resolutely feeling that they must be in a couple no matter what the circumstances.

But the varying levels of happiness with being single will affect how much persuading you would need to be in a couple.

It's hard to say it without describing it as "higher standards" and having people in couples be insulted,

IF I fell for someone I think my initial reaction would be "Oh fuck."

And then I'd have to decide whether they were worth giving up the life I love for.

I can't honestly imagine someone who would be.

I've been single almost ten years now, after two less than stellar marriages. I have never been happier.
Unfortunately, no one believes me. I am, apparently in denial, scared to commit, damaged by my past experiences.
Don't give up, they say. They are keeping their fingers crossed for me. One friend, who had been single for five years, told me, pretty darned smugly, the week after she landed a boyfriend - 'If I can do it, there's hope for you too.'
Thanks but no thanks.
I am happy. And fulfilled. I do not cry into my pillow at night. I do not envy my married friends - not even those who are happy.
I am happy too.
Believe me.
Please.

Very few people are completely resolutely single in the same way that very few are resolutely feeling that they must be in a couple no matter what the circumstances.

But the varying levels of happiness with being single will affect how much persuading you would need to be in a couple.

Good point, Trills.

Happily single here too, but I do wonder sometimes whether it's once bitten, twice shy after horrible ex. Am I avoiding a relationship rather than embracing singlehood? But if I deciding my deep down feeling, I conclude that it's more a case of satisfaction with the current state than fear of the alternate state.

There are a few people I wouldn't kick out of the bed for eating crisps, but it does feel like a relationship would mean sacrificing a fair amount of the things I like about my life now.

You think being simply single is annoying? Try being single and fat. I haven't always been fat but have been single my whole teenage and adult life. The amount of people that tell me that I would find a man if only I lost the weight is ridiculously high. Because the only reason to lose weight is for a man. Or anything worth doing. Even my best friend, who has known me from the age of 18, keeps telling me that I would be so much happier if only I allowed a man into my life. It's as if what I want has no meaning.

Hazell, have you ever asked them why they think you need a boyfriend? Actually pressed them to explain?

Empress I'm actually starting to think that we would be very happy together

Dillite that's bloody awful. Your post reads like you're articulate and intelligent and as someone who was a size 8 until the age of twenty one - and I'm certainly not now - that's bullshit! Don't listen to them.

Empress I'm actually starting to think that we would be very happy together

How about as next-door neighbours? Then we each have a front door to close!

Seriously though Dillite, ask your best friend exactly what she thinks you need a man for.

Im slim. Have a good body i spose. Had my heart broken by a man who wanted to be my friend then said as we enjoyed emotional intimacy it'd be nice to enjoy physical intimacy as well. Various other future fakers and liars and users have done a u-turn on their feelings for me. Always complimenting my figure. Always certain of their "feelings".

I dont know what my point is but i dont think being slim is what makes a relationship feel right or stick.

I just cannot be bothered anymore.

Good point that people can ask/wonder which flaw causes you to be single, but it'd be rude to say "why are you still married?". Weird that.

We have had this discussion many times. Apparently being with a man will stop me being lonely and will make me complete. Thing is, I have never complained or even mentioned anything about being lonely. But because she is lonely when single, so is everyone else. I just find it funny these days.

yeh, I don't mean to be condescending towards people (and friends) who are coupled up but many of them just couldn't cope with being alone some of the time, showing up to places alone, running a household alone....... they haven't got to know what sparks their own joy - because they're so wrapped up in being one half of a couple. I'm not saying they couldn't acquire strength and independence and a stronger sense of self if they were to be single but a lot of coupled up people don't know and don't understand how emotionally, financially, practically independent and strong we've become, and how we have had the silence to listen to our inner voice. Lots of people in a couple do know this of course. But you know the types I mean.

The amount of people that tell me that I would find a man if only I lost the weight is ridiculously high.

Dillite that is absolutely disgraceful Let me guess, these would be the same people, who, if ever challenged, would have the audacity to be offended and then spout off a whole load of waffle about 'just being honest' and 'having good intentions' and 'only thinking of you!'

It's total crap. They tell themselves they're just being truthful, kind, caring friends who are looking out for you, when really, all they are doing is using that as a guise to cover their smug, spiteful superiority. It's their issue, not yours. If they are going to such lengths to drag you down and make you feel bad, it usually means there is an emptiness inside their own lives, and something about you or your circumstances somehow feels threatening to them. They deal with this by trying to make Swiss cheese of your life - poking holes in it, finding fault with it, making you feel like there is something wrong with you, etc. My guess? You lead a happy, single life and they don't know how to:

1. Respond to it.
2. Understand it.
3. Respect it.
4. Deal with the strange sense of envy they feel because of it.

And I would honestly put good money on them being a little envious, even if they maybe don't realise it themselves. You have achieved something outside 'the norm'. You have found safety, stability and happiness on your own. For a lot of people, these are things that are achieved as a couple. Settling down, finding your match and getting hitched are so often perceived as THE life goal. It's a 'it's just what people do!' kind of thing. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. They're wonderful goals and dreams - if it's what you want. But not wanting that, not wanting to share your life with another and being content on your own, it almost earmarks you as the donkey in a stable full of racehorses, doesn't it? It makes people single you out at times, makes them scratch their heads in confusion. Some folk just don't get it - and never will!

With regards to your best friend, I would nicely (but very, very firmly) explain to her that the entire female population does not suffer from Bridget Jones Syndrome, and therefore, could she please keep her comments to herself. Better yet, ask her what is going so terribly wrong in her own life for her to feel like she has to pick yours apart to feel better about herself.... and Everybody is different. She needs to stop forcing a reflection of her own acceptability onto others. It's very short-sighted of her.

hazell42 I have been through every 'stage' of how people perceived my single life imaginable.

It started with this really bizarre sympathy You'll find somebody. There's somebody out there for everyone. The right man is just around the corner! You're only young - don't give up hope!

Then it morphed into all out pity, the 'there's a lonely spinster in the making there' kind.

Then people started questioning my preferences - are you gay, Vino?

Then it became admirable - I really admire how strong and independent you are, Vino. It takes balls to go it alone. I wish I had been more like you when I was in my twenties. I wish I had done things differently - been more like you.

Now I'm accepted. People no longer bat an eye. I'm not gay, I'm not lonely, I'm not waiting for the one, etc. I've simply chosen a different way. In fact, as time has gone on, people's perceptions of my singlehood have evolved right alongside their own relationship views. My friends are no longer the twenty-something, sparkly eyed romantics who once thought I was nuts for opting out. They've been married for a few years, the shine has worn off a little, and I would say at least half of them are already very unhappy And because they're unhappy, my choices are suddenly more ... understandable. There's a sense of appreciation over my choices now that simply wasn't there 5-10 years ago. It's ever so strange!

I'm actually really surprised by these responses. I don't know anyone in my RL who feels like I do so thank God for MN (and believe me that's not a sentence I EVER thought I would utter!)

YANBU, I'm 55 and single by choice and I'm sick of the matchmaking and reassurance I'll be "lucky" and find someone one day.
i don't want to share my space, I'm happy on my own, I don't need or want a man.

YANBU I was always with someone from a young teen until my marriage ended almost 8 years ago . I wasn't interested in another relationship until I worked out why I had allowed myself to be badly treated by men most of my life and to make sure I would never do so again. By the time that process was complete I realised I much preferred being single and have remained so ever since.

Occasionally a friend will say have I thought about finding someone but otherwise people don't comment probably because they can see I'm happy. I too have friends who are in marriages where the shine has long since worn off but there is no intention of doing anything about it and it's almost like they are now just marking time. I also have a small number of friends who have really lovely marriages and I get the odd pang and wish my marriage had turned out differently.

As others have said our society is so geared up for people to be in a couple but I think maybe I escape the kind of comments the OP and others have had because of my age -51.

I wouldn't mind what my Mum calls a gentleman caller 😆 if I met them in the course of my life but I won't be out there looking. As to living together that will never happen I absolutely love the total freedom of choice being single brings from the tiny decisions of what I'm going to eat tonight to whether I want to sell up and travel or move away now my DC are older.

Vino wait til they all start getting divorced and become single again, then you can start the cycle with them - "ooh, I'm sure you'll meet someone else nice soon!"