AIBU to Expect People To Believe I'm Happily Single By Choice?

[strawberrisc]

Just that really!

I married young and it didn't work out. He's remarried to a lovely girl and we're still friends.

Didn't work out with DC's Dad but he's now married and has provided her with lovely siblings.

One last attempt - a single Dad. Didn't work out but we had a go.

After that a couple of "friends with benefits" who I'm still friends with but cba about the benefits.

I'm single but not alone or lonely. I love the simple things like watching what I (and DC) like on TV, going to bed at 7pm after work if the fancy takes me, listening to relaxation music in bed, stinky candles, total independence.

What is getting tiresome are my lovely friends constantly telling me "don't give up" and "you'll meet someone". They can't understand that I genuinely don't want to! I cba getting to know someone and dealing with a load of crappy baggage. I wouldn't mind but many of my friends are in relationships I truly don't envy!

I suppose it's like the Jennifer Aniston syndrome - she didn't want children but society can't get their head around it.

AIBU that this is finally starting to really annoy me.

I think I will probably stay single forever but I guess never say never...at 42 people don't comment any more, thankfully! Happy with just me and DD. Can live without sex but not orgasms

Oh god. There’s this lovely woman at work who literally can’t stop herself from asking if I’ve met someone. And I have to go through the whole “no I’m fine by myself” every time!

The thing is I’m not consciously trying to not meet someone. I’m just not crying into my Chardonnay every night at the thought of being single.

It feels like you are nobody until you meet a man? It does not seem to come across people's mind that sometimes we just don't want to!
Do we have to be in a relationship?

Too many people think you have to be in a relationship and it irritates the hell out of me.

I can see why someone would be perfectly happy alone . I have Dc from previous relationship and have a partner now but we don't live together yet so I get " when are you going to move in with him ?!?!" Constantly ! Im not I have my own house thanks . people just can't get their heads round it

Some great responses here.

I can't remember who asked but yes, I'm in my 40's.

Some people have suggested I might not be happy. I can tell you I truly am! I know I could have sex if I wanted to (not being big-headed I just have put my "buddy" on the back burner!)

I was in 2 continuous relationships from the age of 15 until I was 30 and the thought of being single terrified me! I felt I was built to be with another person. When my second relationship ended I lived alone (well with DD shared custody) for the first time ever and the feeling of liberation was overwhelming! I had one very, very crazy and naughty year before meeting my third and last relationship.

I find being single easy because I don't just enjoy my own company I crave it when I've had no alone time for a while.

I genuinely don't want to go down the relationship route again but I also don't enjoy the "Shirley Valentine" moments where she ends up being rescued by Dougie and Jeanette from Manchester because nobody was comfortable watching her eat alone!

YANBU I'm happily single too, i love it and, as you say there's so many good things about it. Many people seem to only function well as part of a couple which is fine for them but they project it constantly onto happy singletons.

I was single for 4 years before meeting OH. Had a blast. Holidays, fun, me time etc. But towards the end of that period I did want to meet someone. I like companionship. Someone to do stuff with as and when, apart from my girlfriends

I've been with OH a few years now. We are exclusive but don't live together. We do spend time at each other's homes. We socialise together, and separately too We suit as we both need our space at times and don't feel the need to share living space on full-time basis.

Ive been married before and didn't like living with a man. The domestics and certain routine of it all aren't for me. A balance between me time and man time is all good

I don't understand people who are resolutely single, I just think they've not found their ideal person and situation. But I guess the point is I don't have to understand them. We are all different, and that's fine.

If my single friends started talking about wanting to meet a man, I'd have the conversation. Apart from that it wouldn't even occur to me to go on about them being single to be honest

I find the people who keep going on and on about finding a partner for a single friend the same people who wouldn't eat on their own or go to the cinema on their own etc. They need to be with others it seems.

I'm in my 40s too.

To add, I think that if an attractive, available, kind supportive person came along tomorrow most 'single by choice' people would jump at the chance of a relationship with that person.

Do you. Is that in the same way that most 'childfree by choice' people would jump at the chance to have babies in the right situation?

I don't understand people who are resolutely single, I just think they've not found their ideal person and situation. But I guess the point is I don't have to understand them. We are all different, and that's fine.

I'm in my ideal situation & there are a lot of people I don't understand. But as you say, I don't have to.

As a man, when I was younger I felt a need to be in a relationship. When one ended, I was searching for another very quickly. I think that is sort of inbuilt when younger and in the must find a mate stage. Now I am 50, I am happily single. I can't bear the thought of being with someone anymore. I absolutely love doing what I want, when I want and how I want without anyone telling me otherwise.

Someone would have to be more than just an attractive, available, kind supportive person to tempt me away from being single.

Attractive, available, kind and supportive should be the minimum requirements even for someone who strongly wants to be in a relationship. Even you "oh I'd hate being single" people should realise that being in a relationship with someone who lacked any one of those qualities would be worse than being single.

I won't say there is nobody out there who I would abandon singleness for, but in order to do so they'd have to make my life better. And since my life is pretty good, that means they'd have to be more than just the minimum acceptable partner. I'm not single just to avoid crap men, I'm also not interested in men who are just fine.

At least add "interesting" to the list, you low-expectation-having people!

To add, I think that if an attractive, available, kind supportive person came along tomorrow most 'single by choice' people would jump at the chance of a relationship with that person.

I think it's this kind of assumption that annoys the OP (and me). That its a 'you just havent met the right man' idea.
I have met men who would be great matches if I wanted to go down that road, but I don't. And that has nothing to do with them. I just appreciate my own space and independence too much and don't want to give it up for anyone, no matter how lovely. It's my life and I'm choosing to live it as single because that's what I want.
I'm well aware that sometimes karma comes along and kicks you on the arse for making that kind of statement so maybe I'll meet someone and be desperately in love before the year is out.
But it's certainly not something I'm seeking and I know enough about myself, my feelings and what I want from my life to say that it's extremely unlikely.

I just think they've not found their ideal person and situation. But I guess the point is I don't have to understand them. We are all different, and that's fine.

But we have found our ideal situation. Not everyone needs or wants a live in partner, why is that so difficult to believe?

I find being single easy because I don't just enjoy my own company I crave it

yy to this^

Interesting most of us seem to be in our 40's too.

This gets me as well . Some people just don't seem to get that you are happy alone . If I met someone in the future then great but it's not the be all and end all .

If you don't see the glory in the humanity of other peoples' ridiculous shortcomings (and in having someone know all about your own), and in growing and changing with someone, then a long term relationship is not for you.

What a load of nonsense. People do not change behaviour much after the age of 25, nor do you grow into a relationship. Most men my age are still looking for 'chemistry' when seeking a new partner.

OP, YANBU. You sound content and happy. Well done - and don't let others upset your contentment.

I'm the same!

I won't say there is nobody out there who I would abandon singleness for, but in order to do so they'd have to make my life better.

I think if I met a woman I'd actually consider abandoning singleness for, it would have to be because I couldn't not be with her. I'd have to be that desperate.

Scrabble it's not difficult for me to believe. I really don't think to even question single friends as to why they're single. Or even suggest they want/need a man. I'm in my ideal situation which won't be for everybody but different folks different strokes that's all.

MistressDeeCee your situation sounds really interesting! If you don't mind me asking, do people ever question you about why you don't live together (or when you're moving in together?) Some people just feel more comfortable when they've pigeonholed others off into socially acceptable boxes!

I'm very happily single, but there is one thing I'd like to have a partner for - so I could go to very expensive restaurants regularly in company. (My friends don't have the cash to do this and don't like me paying.) Given that's the only thing I feel is missing from my solo life, I'm not terribly fussed to pair up!

I meet lots of attractive, available, kind, supportive people, and they make good friends - so long as they have plenty of other good qualities to go alongside those.

TravellingFleet my absolute favourite tapas restaurant now delivers. How about ordering food in and treating your friends? Just say it's a dinner party!

For restaurants there are always meet up groups.

I cannot see the benefit to acquiring a boyfriend. I am in my fifties and they generally wear up a lot quicker than us women do. So I would only have an old age of caring for somebody who was ill or not at their best.

I don't want a younger man either.

I prefer being single and that is the way it is going to remain for a very long time. Though it might be easier when ds is 18 - he is 12 at the moment and I don't have the inclination. I know I am not missing out on anything!

@TravellingFleet

I eat out at Michelin restaurants a lot through Meetup. There are some great foodie groups on there. If you want to PM me, I'd be happy to send you some suggestions.

I don't understand people who are resolutely single, I just think they've not found their ideal person and situation.

I don't understand this line of thinking, Mistress. At all. It seems a little condescending and ignorant. I say that gently, not nastily.

I could meet Prince Charming himself tomorrow and I would still send the perfect bugger packing! I am blissfully content with my single life. Being single is my ideal. I am neither waiting on anybody or actively trying to find anybody. I have been single for ... over 10 years now (my entire 20's going into 30's). It is genuinely wonderful. I'm relatively intelligent, I don't look like a foot and there is nothing 'wrong' with me. I'm certainly not single for a lack of offers. I'm single because every offer made has been met with a resounding thanks-but-no-thanks. I am simply not interested. I am independent, strong-willed, and I know my own mind. I am not some simpering, Austen-inspired fictional damsel waiting around for Mr. Right to ask for my hand and secure my future.

I love being selfish. I can be a ragey, moody bitch without anyone calling me on my bullshit. I can hop into bed at night, pretend to be a starfish and smugly think: This is all fucking mine! I can make every decision without needing to compromise. My house is clean and tidy, and I don't have to pick up after anybody/moan at a man for making any mess. My mess is fine. My child's mess is fine. Other people's? NOPE. I can go and do as I please, without needing to check or check in with anybody. My time is my own and I can follow my hobbies and interests without needing to consider the possible impact on the ball and chain a relationship. The list of plus points is endless!

I'm stubborn. I'm set in my ways. I like things how I like them. That's not to say I don't fully appreciate, understand and respect other people's desire to settle down. I find the notion of 'finding the one' lovely and warming to the soul - it's beautifully romantic. But it's not something that affects me personally - it's not something I myself am chasing. My dreams and aspirations lie elsewhere, in my big bed, starfishing the shit out of it ... solo