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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to Expect People To Believe I'm Happily Single By Choice?

98 replies

strawberrisc · 25/09/2017 02:43

Just that really!

I married young and it didn't work out. He's remarried to a lovely girl and we're still friends.

Didn't work out with DC's Dad but he's now married and has provided her with lovely siblings.

One last attempt - a single Dad. Didn't work out but we had a go.

After that a couple of "friends with benefits" who I'm still friends with but cba about the benefits.

I'm single but not alone or lonely. I love the simple things like watching what I (and DC) like on TV, going to bed at 7pm after work if the fancy takes me, listening to relaxation music in bed, stinky candles, total independence.

What is getting tiresome are my lovely friends constantly telling me "don't give up" and "you'll meet someone". They can't understand that I genuinely don't want to! I cba getting to know someone and dealing with a load of crappy baggage. I wouldn't mind but many of my friends are in relationships I truly don't envy!

I suppose it's like the Jennifer Aniston syndrome - she didn't want children but society can't get their head around it.

AIBU that this is finally starting to really annoy me.

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 25/09/2017 13:37

To add, I think that if an attractive, available, kind supportive person came along tomorrow most 'single by choice' people would jump at the chance of a relationship with that person. So it's more like 'avoiding crap relationships by choice' which is a very sensible thing to do!

splendidisolation · 25/09/2017 13:40

I'm not single but becoming single wouldnt bother me.

Of course I would miss DP and be very upset if we broke up, but there is a lot of good in being single.

Are you in your 40s? I ask because ive noticed this trend in people I come across: women in their 40s being single and feeling fantastic, and men in their 40s being single, down the pub and broken. Its interesting.

Trills · 25/09/2017 13:55

The fact that people do seem to comment to you fairly often and you are annoyed about it would seem to suggest that you're not entirely happy with the situation.

I disagree.

raisedbyguineapigs · 25/09/2017 13:55

formerbabe I agree. If I ever became single, Id not bother with the dating scene. Partly because I'd not want another man in my house with my children and partly because I CBA to go through all that rigmarole again with the added complication of children and being over 40. I'd be perfectly able to function on my own.
splendid Yes, Apparently most men who are divorced or widowed go straight into another relationship, whereas thats less the case for women. I suspect women's lives are much easier when on their own, whereas mens lives are more difficult.

beCreativeInitiate · 25/09/2017 14:11

" I suspect women's lives are much easier when on their own, whereas men's lives are more difficult."

Care to elaborate?

Eolian · 25/09/2017 14:14

YANBU. I am happily married but if I ended up single again for whatever reason, I'm pretty sure I'd stay that way. I have an old friend who is single and has never married. It wouldn't occur to me to go on at her about finding a partner.

Eolian · 25/09/2017 14:17

I suspect women's lives are much easier when on their own, whereas men's lives are more difficult.

Yes, I'm sure I've read that it is (or was) true statistically that longevity and health are higher for men if they are married but higher for women if they are single.

splendidisolation · 25/09/2017 14:21

@beCreativeInitiate

I assume as a general rule women find their food bills and laundry/dishwashing times drastically reduced whereas men find themselves wasting away on buckets of KFC under mountains of dirty clothes in cold, spartan flats.

Trills · 25/09/2017 14:25

Women are (in general, there are of course many exceptions) better at meeting their emotional needs with friends and family. Men tend to rely on their partners for this.

Toxic masculinity etc - another example of the patriarchy being bad for men too.

beCreativeInitiate · 25/09/2017 14:29

ha ha splendid

trills

We really do need an eyeroll 'smiley' don't we.

guilty100 · 25/09/2017 14:33

I'm at risk here of sounding like another one of your annoying friends, but... you actually don't sound happily single.

I mean, don't get me wrong, you don't sound unhappy either. It's not like you're sitting in your bedroom clutching a wedding dress and crying or anything. But there's a huge difference between saying "Actually, I am meant to be single and far happier in this state than I'll ever be in a couple" (perfectly possible) and saying "I can't be arsed getting to know someone and dealing with a load of crappy baggage". It's like the difference between me saying "I just don't fancy chocolate at all right now" and "I really, really want a bar of chocolate, but it'll mean I have to go for a run and I cant be bothered coz it's raining".

Now you might well feel that your situation is actually more like the first of these - going off the very idea of chocolate - but the way you're presenting is the second - you'd quite like chocolate, but you think it'll be too much hassle. And I think if you send out a message that you're kind of making do, then people are likely to say "Hey, chin up, don't give up, plenty of fish" and all those cliches, whereas if you say something a bit more positive and affirmative, they might change their response.

Also, not all relationships have to be a load of work and hassle. There are guys out there who are like calorie-and-guilt-free chocolate to be around.

NachoAddict · 25/09/2017 14:48

I have found the opposite at the moment. I am single and everyone around me is telling me to stay that way and leave dating and relationships alone. I do go from one disaster to another though.

I am taking good advice and enjoying being by myself for awhile again.

KimmySchmidt1 · 25/09/2017 15:07

God knows - I'm married, so I would hate to be single, but then I have found someone with whom i am willing to work knackeringly hard to make a relationship work. I think some of my friends just don't trust other people that much - they are inflexible, they don't see the benefit of compromise, and they don't get any joy out of being a unit.

If you don't see the glory in the humanity of other peoples' ridiculous shortcomings (and in having someone know all about your own), and in growing and changing with someone, then a long term relationship is not for you.

Sienna333 · 25/09/2017 15:28

Don't get me started on this. Lost count of the number of times people have tried to set me up and told me there is a perfect guy waiting for me. They don't seem to realise that not eveyone needs to be in a relationship. I am very happy being single and love my independence. It really irritates me when people say this can't be possible. How depressing that some only believe having a partner in your life can be the only route to true happiness. It's insane.

Mia1415 · 25/09/2017 15:29

Are you me OP?

I'm in a very similar position (married too young and still friends with ex DH). I've had a few failed relationships and I'm very happy being single.

I think I've been on my own too long now and can't imagine being in a relationship. I do feel sad for my DS though as he has no father figure in his life.

Tameagobairanois · 25/09/2017 15:34

NObody even says ''don't give up'' or ''it'll happen when you're least expecting it to'' to me now. I wonder if when you're 47 it's just assumed that it will never happen now.

I would like to meet somebody and perhaps I'm a broken hearted optimist but I don't envy everybody in a relationship. I get the feeling that a mere 35-40% of women are in good long term relationships that add more to their life than the loss of freedom(s) takes away.

Sienna333 · 25/09/2017 15:38

I think it's more 70-80% of marriages are happy from my experience but it's still not for me

Trills · 25/09/2017 15:41

You are sounding very smug there Kimmy. Using the word "glory" tends to have that effect.

Did you mean it to be more "different people like different things" rather than "you are just stupid and wrong and selfish if you can't appreciate how having a partner is the best thing ever"?

gorygloria · 25/09/2017 15:48

After divorce I wanted to regroup in my head and focus on my kid so I spent some years single. Friends used to say "just when you least expect it, someone will come among" and I'd reply "is that a threat?"!! I am in a happy relationship now but if it ended tomorrow, I'd be happy to be single again too.

Tameagobairanois · 25/09/2017 15:50

Kimmy, that post is not mindful of the reasons a lot of marriages fail. I had similar little pep talks (mostly from my mother's generation) along these lines,but the truth is, you can only be reasonable on behalf of yourself. You can't induce an unreasonable man to be reasonable. And when you're already making all of the compromises and it isn't working what is your suggestion? To ''glory'' in another person's selfish uncompromising intransigence?

I wouldn't want to have to work knackeringly hard at a relationship ever again though. I did that and it was truly soul destroying. If I'm ever in a relationship again it will be because it feels right and it feels easy. I know I'm a generous person (with time, and affection and resources) so if it's not working it's not because I'm not compromising or giving. It's for some other reason, in which case, the best thing is to stop ''knackering'' myself trying to push water uphill.

Single people aren't single because they're waiting for a perfect person!! That is a really simplistic interpretation!

BitchQueen90 · 25/09/2017 16:00

Meh. I'm single for selfish reasons. I can't be arsed to put the effort required into a relationship right now. I have DS, a new job, an active social life with family and friends. I'm not averse to relationships, I just don't want one for a while.

Eolian · 25/09/2017 16:47

I wouldn't want to have to work knackeringly hard at a relationship ever again though.

I've never had to work knackeringly hard at a relationship. Having a partner should surely make life easier and more enjoyable, not knackeringly hard. If you have to work knackeringly hard at a relationship, surely there must be something fundamentally wrong with it.

Scaredparent · 25/09/2017 17:02

I enjoy being single, I have my child and I just don’t see myself bringing anyone in.

As for sex or relief it’s just to messy now not interested in it like the op, bed by 8pm and do what i like

ChristmasFluff · 25/09/2017 18:07

This thread made me realise that this is the 5th year I have been single, and it is only this year that friends have stopped trying to persuade me to let them set me up with their husband's mate who'd be 'perfect' for me etc. So if you can fend them off for 4 years, people accept you genuinely want to stay single :-D

charleyfarleysaunt · 25/09/2017 21:16

ChristmasFluff... I was just thinking that it took about 5 years for people to quit with all the 'oh you'll find someone' ' when the time is right...' and my personal favourite: 'it'll happen when you aren't looking / when you least expect it'

Ugh, it used to really annoy me as it was like they were telling me I didn't know my own mind. It was single friends as well as those in relationships, but the worst was a previously independent friend who got married in her late 30s and was adamant I couldn't be happy single as it turned out she never had been and had just been putting on a brave face! (Oh and she is the one friend I know who never calls her husband by his name in any conversation... always hubby/my husband)

So... after all that waffle - I just want to say hang on in there OP, hopefully they will eventually pack it in!

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