Ignoring pregnancy- rude?

[MamaOfTwos]

So I'm pg with DC2, after a very traumatic and difficult time with DC1, who is the most happy, chilled baby going. It's a surprise pregnancy but a very happy one, we always wanted a small age gap. We've only told very close family due to previous losses. Recently spoke to SIL & told her, her and DB have been trying for a while for DC2 but she smokes, drinks and is out all the time whilst her DC1 is constantly babysat. She's ignored my texts, saw her yesterday at a family BBQ and she was chatting to me fine, but threw me a cold stare and walked off when I rubbed my stomach (completely subconscious)
I've not mentioned it to anyone but DH noticed and thought she was so rude, but I know she's supposedly 'trying' for a second and we've got pregnant easily (although we've obviously not discussed this)

We're meant to be spending Xmas with them when I'll be noticeably pregnant, not to mention family birthdays and gatherings before then, WTF am I supposed to do?!

She's been vile to me before over pretty stupid things like booking to see a pantomime & who's DC would be in the better school?! She's weirdly competitive but I'm not bothered! Any idea how to handle this?

• grown-up about things.

her and DB have been trying for a while for DC2 but she smokes, drinks and is out all the time whilst her DC1 is constantly babysat

YABU

You sound like the rude one. And insensitive - if she is trying to conceive and can't, it might just be a bit difficult for her at the moment, being around you, when you conceived by accident, when you weren't even trying.

For all you know OP she may have just suffered or still be going through a miscarriage.

In which case surely she can understand that her SiL may be feeling really shitty and be finding the whole 'ooh look I'm pregnant again really quickly' really upsetting and difficult to deal with.

I had mc after mc when trying ttc my 2nd child (plus had a nasty one previous to my first) and know all too well what it's like when you are struggling and feeling in the depths of despair. It's HARD to jump up and down and feel happy for others, even if you really try. And to be honest the SiL probably knows that the OP judges her lifestyle, so wtf would she expect her to be jumping up and down with joy?

Just leave her alone OP.

Sorry Backie..just realised you meant the SiL may have been having a bad time/mc etc.

My bad..apologies for misquoting you.

I knew her and her husband were ttc, I didn't make anything of being pregnant but honestly the fact she never mentioned it hurt like hell as did the fact she wouldn't even look at my new baby.

I promise you that she was hurting more. You can't imagine it's nice to be feeling so upset that looking at a friend's baby brings pain rather than joy?

No worries dave!

Don't rub your belly. That's just annoying to everyone.

I felt bad but she's completely ignored the fact I'm pregnant after nearly dying during birth of DC1

I genuinely can't see how this is relevant or how she is even supposed to bring up your difficult labour the first time? 'Lovely news - let's hope the birth goes better this time around?'

You sound horrible. I don't like you already and I've only read three of your posts. You need a lesson in humility. It will be painful when you get it.

OP, you have everything that she wants. You can afford to be gracious and understanding. It will cost you nothing to cut her some slack and make allowances for her pain. For all you know, she would gladly risk death to have the chance of another baby.
These days people probably assume that I'm the type of woman who gets pregnant every time their husband looks at her, but it took eight years, several rounds of fertility treatment and a handful of miscarriages before my first live birth. Other people's pregnancies (especially unplanned pregnancies) were agony for me and I probably didn't handle them well. I wanted to and I tried, but it tore me up inside to even look at a baby.

I did ivf. I subconsciously used to protect my tummy and then possibly give it a rub idk. I do remember rubbing it at some stage. How do strangers know if isn't possible to do this subconsciously? A commonly repeated action will become subconscious. How do people think they are able to function let alone drive?

My sil started to screaming at me because she thought I judged her. She was confusing my mother and me, as I didn't at the time. And she felt she could scream at me not her. Damn right I judge her these days. Especially after she screamed at my dd the day of dds grandads funeral and dumped her kid on my mother (widow) and disabled me (stepdd).

I'm pregnant after 3 losses myself, so hardly lacking empathy!

It's amazing how many times women who have been through struggles conceiving seem to totally forget what it's like when you're still in the middle of it. You ought to know better op.

Sounds like (for whatever reason) the two of you historically haven't been friends and unlikely will be... It sounds like you both have had your shares of difficulty having children and have reached a point of inwardly resenting the other or feeling that they are less deserving of children than you.

At this point, rather than feeling wronged in some way, i would quietly, privately celebrate your news but try to put effort into putting aside your criticisms of her, empathising with her difficulties and generally wishing her well. Hopefully your little bean will have another cousin on the way soon. You really can't kill with kindness and she might just need a bit of space and subtlety from you right now.

She's probably feeling a bit melhoncoly inferior to you and understandably envious, and Then you stand there rubbing your stomach, which might look to her like you're saying. "Ha ha I'm pregnant and you're not', but. No you're not insensitive.

No you DO NOT have empathy for her you have a case of ME-ITIS. But hey as long as everyone around you goos and gaas over your pregnancy what do you care what others are actually thinking or feeling. This has to be one of the most self centered posts I have come across. If as you say you had a hard time getting pregnant the second time and had a hard time at birth with your first the surely you have SOME knowledge of how she is feeling jeesh

I know people subconsciously do things like rub belly, but I'm currently 5 months pregnant and my closest friend a couple years ago lost her baby around the same time. So I make a conscious effort to not rub my belly! (Not that I do, at most I've done it after other people have done it if that makes sense) I actually feel quite sorry for your PIL since when did being fortunate enough to have supportive family who don't mind babysitting become a negative?

Sorry meant to say SIL

I think saying the OP is horrible is going too far, she is insensitive and smug, though probably without realising it. But you rubbing your tummy would have annoyed me too, OP.

And I do feel for your SIL; I suffered infertility myself, whilst having to cope with the judgiest SIL ever, she means well but I just wanted her to shut up! I was bitter about the fact that she had her fifth DC just before I went through IVF.

I think pregnant women who haven't gone through infertility have absolutely no idea how painful it can be when they go on about their pregnancies. The day after my IVF failed a pregnant friend went on about the progress of her pregnancy. She had no idea how she was making me feel.

I promise you that she was hurting more. You can't imagine it's nice to be feeling so upset that looking at a friend's baby brings pain rather than joy?

Well that's ok then, as long as you're feeling terrible it's absolutely fine to make those around you feel terrible too.

I know I'm guilty of forgetting what it can be like going through infertility now that I have my DDs. But we can all be like that, too self-absorbed to realise how we appear to others.

Some of the posters on here are as guilty as the OP of being judgey and horrible, actually. But people do get carried away on here, some of you should read back your own posts.

Your sil sounds like a spoilt brat throwing a strop cause you have what she wants. How childish

Well you clearly don't like her, so why do you want her to like you? I wouldn't expect someone who didn't like me to start fawning over my pregnancy. Just leave her be and when you see her talk about the weather instead of getting into parenting/schools/conceiving as it sounds like you two just want ammunition to fuel your dislike of one another.

OP, you sound like a drama queen, starved of attention and full of jealousy.
Like everything has to be about you and you be the first point of consideration in anything anyone else does or says.

It sounds like you are the 'competitive' one.....trying to make out you're a 'better mother' than her and judging her lifestyle.
Then gloating in front of her face because you got pregnant before her

Why are you so invested in how your DB and sil live their lives?
You're db obviously has no issue with it and it works for them.
Why can't you just be happy for them?

I think most women find that family and friends show much less interest in their second pregnancy compared to the first

If you rubbed your pregnant belly subconsciously in front of the woman who you know is trying to conceive, how do you even remember doing it?

You actually sound like you're loving this tbh. And judgemental to boot.